Kennedy Cent-ah Hon-ahs :
Last night CBS aired the annual Kennedy Center Honors from Washington, DC. Honorees this year included Mel Brooks, Dave Brubeck, Robert DeNiro, Bruce Springsteen, and Grace Bumbry who unfortunately had to come straight from the veterinarian's office.
From Russia, With Elbow Grease :
The Russian government has announced plans to destroy an asteroid which may or may not be hurdling towards Earth. Training is already under way to find the brave Russian man or woman who can heave a Vodka bottle the highest.
Double Trouble :
In a story seemingly from a bad movie, two identical twin brothers were arrested this week for running a $2 million dollar investment scam. "YES!!!" replied Jeremy and Jason London.
Meet the Mets :
All-star left fielder Jason Bay was picked up by the New York Mets yesterday and already seems eager and excited to contribute to the team's spirit and traditions. In other words, he'll get injured, under achieve, and undoubtedly fade into oblivion.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
HEADLINES
Neither a Road Nor an Island :
The state government of Rhode Island has decided to earn some extra revenue by auctioning off unclaimed properties on Ebay. The government of Delaware took notice, and has decided to boost state morale by joining Adult Friend Finder.
Jackassery :
A live Nativity scene in Colorado went awry last week when two donkeys broke away from their handlers and began running the streets. Staying true to the the original Bible story, the three wise men chased down and sedated said donkeys, as the Virgin Mary had a cigarette and the Baby Jesus shit himself.
A Time to Chill :
Authorities in Southern California seized a teddy bear from a toy store last week which was stuffed with a substantial amount of marijuana. There is still no word on what Levi McConaughey received in its place.
Do the Doggy Bounce :
The American Kennel Club has voted Snoopy from The Peanuts as the most famous dog in popular culture. It's widely assumed that Goofy ruined his chances after the release of his controversial coke fueled sex tape earlier this year.
The state government of Rhode Island has decided to earn some extra revenue by auctioning off unclaimed properties on Ebay. The government of Delaware took notice, and has decided to boost state morale by joining Adult Friend Finder.
Jackassery :
A live Nativity scene in Colorado went awry last week when two donkeys broke away from their handlers and began running the streets. Staying true to the the original Bible story, the three wise men chased down and sedated said donkeys, as the Virgin Mary had a cigarette and the Baby Jesus shit himself.
A Time to Chill :
Authorities in Southern California seized a teddy bear from a toy store last week which was stuffed with a substantial amount of marijuana. There is still no word on what Levi McConaughey received in its place.
Do the Doggy Bounce :
The American Kennel Club has voted Snoopy from The Peanuts as the most famous dog in popular culture. It's widely assumed that Goofy ruined his chances after the release of his controversial coke fueled sex tape earlier this year.
Monday, December 28, 2009
HEADLINES
A Sphincter Says, "What" :
A British man was given an artificial sphincter last week and his bowel movements are now controlled with a remote control. The device is a huge technological breakthrough for medicine, it does however result in quite a mess when his dog gets a hold of that remote.
White Collar, Red Stool :
Bernie Madoff required medical attention this weekend for what the press has described as "dizziness and shortness of breath" - or as inmates described it, "an ass raping."
A Case for the Ed Hardy Boys :
Controversial reality television dad, Jon Gosselin's posh Manhattan apartment was trashed and robbed this weekend while he was in Pennsylvania for the holidays. Police are seeking anyone who might have negative feelings toward Jon Gosselin, and they've already narrowed their list to everyone.
New Year's Green Eve :
The annual New Year's celebration in New York's Time Square was given an eco-friendly makeover this year. The crystal ball will be lit by LED lights, confetti will be reused, and Dick Clark will be outfitted with a recyclable diaper.
A British man was given an artificial sphincter last week and his bowel movements are now controlled with a remote control. The device is a huge technological breakthrough for medicine, it does however result in quite a mess when his dog gets a hold of that remote.
White Collar, Red Stool :
Bernie Madoff required medical attention this weekend for what the press has described as "dizziness and shortness of breath" - or as inmates described it, "an ass raping."
A Case for the Ed Hardy Boys :
Controversial reality television dad, Jon Gosselin's posh Manhattan apartment was trashed and robbed this weekend while he was in Pennsylvania for the holidays. Police are seeking anyone who might have negative feelings toward Jon Gosselin, and they've already narrowed their list to everyone.
New Year's Green Eve :
The annual New Year's celebration in New York's Time Square was given an eco-friendly makeover this year. The crystal ball will be lit by LED lights, confetti will be reused, and Dick Clark will be outfitted with a recyclable diaper.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Little League Baller :
A 5th grader in Indiana got in trouble this week for bringing $10,000 in cash to school which he had taken from his grandfather's safe. Unfortunately he couldn't go through with his after school plans of making it rain on Chuck E. Cheese waitresses.
Eeeeeevil Womaaaaan :
A 54 year old woman in Minnesota has been arrested for pulling a man so hard by the genitals that he required medical attention and several stitches. The woman is expected to get probation, unless of course she gets a male judge in which case she's looking at death by lethal injection.
First Time Long Time :
President Barack Obama surprised listeners yesterday by calling into a Washington DC talk radio station as "Barry from DC." Listeners were even more surprised when he begged for OzzFest tickets.
Vagi-gills :
A man was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday for attempting to smuggle endangered fish into the United States. Authorities were quick to react when they noticed an odd odor, and have already issued an apology to an innocent female bystander for questioning her feminine hygiene.
(Yup... That's what I'm leading into my MERRY CHRISTMAS with)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
A 5th grader in Indiana got in trouble this week for bringing $10,000 in cash to school which he had taken from his grandfather's safe. Unfortunately he couldn't go through with his after school plans of making it rain on Chuck E. Cheese waitresses.
Eeeeeevil Womaaaaan :
A 54 year old woman in Minnesota has been arrested for pulling a man so hard by the genitals that he required medical attention and several stitches. The woman is expected to get probation, unless of course she gets a male judge in which case she's looking at death by lethal injection.
First Time Long Time :
President Barack Obama surprised listeners yesterday by calling into a Washington DC talk radio station as "Barry from DC." Listeners were even more surprised when he begged for OzzFest tickets.
Vagi-gills :
A man was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday for attempting to smuggle endangered fish into the United States. Authorities were quick to react when they noticed an odd odor, and have already issued an apology to an innocent female bystander for questioning her feminine hygiene.
(Yup... That's what I'm leading into my MERRY CHRISTMAS with)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
HEADLINES
Winter Wonderland :
In the early hours of Sunday morning a spontaneous snowball fight broke out in Time Square involving hundreds of people. It was all fun and games until a snowball hit the MTV building, and old man Kurt Loder called the police.
The Stork is Coming... and has Syphilis :
Media outlets are reporting that troubled reality star Tila Tequila will act as a surrogate mother for her brother. This couldn't come at a better time, as US Magazine is reporting that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is the new Autism.
Spending Time with Tiger :
Amidst current controversy, Tiger Woods has lost his endorsement deal with watch company Tag Hauer. It's not all bad news, however, as he did acquire a new deal with their raunchy affiliate "Tag A Whauer."
Lethal Weapon V :
Hollywood actor Danny Glover has scrutinized President Barack Obama for not doing enough to help black people. Barack Obama fired back with three words, "Operation - Dumbo - Drop."
In the early hours of Sunday morning a spontaneous snowball fight broke out in Time Square involving hundreds of people. It was all fun and games until a snowball hit the MTV building, and old man Kurt Loder called the police.
The Stork is Coming... and has Syphilis :
Media outlets are reporting that troubled reality star Tila Tequila will act as a surrogate mother for her brother. This couldn't come at a better time, as US Magazine is reporting that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is the new Autism.
Spending Time with Tiger :
Amidst current controversy, Tiger Woods has lost his endorsement deal with watch company Tag Hauer. It's not all bad news, however, as he did acquire a new deal with their raunchy affiliate "Tag A Whauer."
Lethal Weapon V :
Hollywood actor Danny Glover has scrutinized President Barack Obama for not doing enough to help black people. Barack Obama fired back with three words, "Operation - Dumbo - Drop."
Monday, December 21, 2009
HEADLINES
Keep the Change You Filthy Animal :
A man in Ohio left a $72 tip at a Taco Bell this weekend for a .99 cent taco, simply saying "Merry Christmas." The man left an even bigger tip an hour later when buying $30 worth of toilet paper.
Biker Wangs :
Protesters who had planned on riding their bikes naked through Manhattan on Saturday to protest the closing of bike lanes, cancelled their plans due to over a foot of snow and temperatures in the 10s. It was initially reported that three female die-hards still made it out, but upon closer inspection, they were just very cold males.
For a Better Day's Trip :
Vick's Dayquil has recalled 700,000 bottles which accidentally were shipped to stores without child proof caps. "What Vick's Dayquil?" asked 700,000 11 year olds, tripping balls.
Blue Me :
The big winner at the box office this weekend was James Cameron's highly anticipated Sci-Fi adventure, Avatar. The big loser at the box office, was Michael, the 37 year old, obese, virgin who showed up in a costume.
A man in Ohio left a $72 tip at a Taco Bell this weekend for a .99 cent taco, simply saying "Merry Christmas." The man left an even bigger tip an hour later when buying $30 worth of toilet paper.
Biker Wangs :
Protesters who had planned on riding their bikes naked through Manhattan on Saturday to protest the closing of bike lanes, cancelled their plans due to over a foot of snow and temperatures in the 10s. It was initially reported that three female die-hards still made it out, but upon closer inspection, they were just very cold males.
For a Better Day's Trip :
Vick's Dayquil has recalled 700,000 bottles which accidentally were shipped to stores without child proof caps. "What Vick's Dayquil?" asked 700,000 11 year olds, tripping balls.
Blue Me :
The big winner at the box office this weekend was James Cameron's highly anticipated Sci-Fi adventure, Avatar. The big loser at the box office, was Michael, the 37 year old, obese, virgin who showed up in a costume.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
CENTENNIAL HEADLINES
That's right guys. This is my 100th blog entry. This blog has changed a lot since I started it in early 2008, but my mission has always been the same; make you guys laugh. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback, offended a few (who I didn't like anyway), but most importantly I've had a really fun time doing it. I spend 30 minutes to an hour everyday trying to be funny, and the fact that you guys take the time to read it is really cool. Thanks, and here's to 100 more!
Nice Headlights :
A female teenager in New Zealand was hit by a car this week while flashing oncoming traffic. Luckily the young woman was not hurt, as her airbags were deployed.
Beer Flows Like Wine :
To fill the stands this past weekend, the NBA's Sacramento Kings offered a special $1 beer promotion - or as fans came to call it, a 6 month suspended license promotion.
Night Putting :
The neighbors of Tiger Woods have told the press that the troubled golfer has been seen and heard out hitting golf balls at odd times during the night. This scenario sees highly unlikely, however, as Tiger's wife has his balls in a noose.
You ARE the Father :
This week the former mistress of Senator John Edwards is expected to reveal that her child is actually his and sue him for as much as $17,000 a month in child support - or as Edwards calls that, "haircut money."
I Now Pronounce You Man and Machine :
A Japanese man legally married a female video game avatar this week. The honeymoon was going great till the man accidentally inserted his memory stick into her floppy disk drive.
Earth.0 :
NASA scientists have discovered a new planet 40 light years away that is nearly identical to Earth in size, chemical makeup, and general appearance, yet there is no sign of life. The planet has aptly been named "Frank Stallone."
Christmas Links -
24 on 34th Street
Hall and Oates
"Shitter was Full!"
Nice Headlights :
A female teenager in New Zealand was hit by a car this week while flashing oncoming traffic. Luckily the young woman was not hurt, as her airbags were deployed.
Beer Flows Like Wine :
To fill the stands this past weekend, the NBA's Sacramento Kings offered a special $1 beer promotion - or as fans came to call it, a 6 month suspended license promotion.
Night Putting :
The neighbors of Tiger Woods have told the press that the troubled golfer has been seen and heard out hitting golf balls at odd times during the night. This scenario sees highly unlikely, however, as Tiger's wife has his balls in a noose.
You ARE the Father :
This week the former mistress of Senator John Edwards is expected to reveal that her child is actually his and sue him for as much as $17,000 a month in child support - or as Edwards calls that, "haircut money."
I Now Pronounce You Man and Machine :
A Japanese man legally married a female video game avatar this week. The honeymoon was going great till the man accidentally inserted his memory stick into her floppy disk drive.
Earth.0 :
NASA scientists have discovered a new planet 40 light years away that is nearly identical to Earth in size, chemical makeup, and general appearance, yet there is no sign of life. The planet has aptly been named "Frank Stallone."
Christmas Links -
24 on 34th Street
Hall and Oates
"Shitter was Full!"
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
HEADLINES
We Snortin' :
Jamaican reggae star Buju Banton, was arrested this week and charged with possession of 11 pounds of cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that Banton didn't have a steel drum band, it was just his teeth grinding.
McWiFi :
Fast food giant McDonald's, has announced plans to offer wireless Internet to it's customers starting sometime in 2010. Good luck explaining that special sauce stain on your keyboard to your friends.
To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Barack Obama :
The press is reporting that Barack Obama has sent a personal letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il in an attempt to alleviate the tension between their two nations. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden sent a singing telegram to Hugo Chavez.
The Tiger King :
Today the Associated Press named Tiger Woods "Athlete of the Decade", narrowly beating out Lance Armstrong. The two men had similar careers this decade - Armstrong overcame cancer and Woods came over cocktail waitresses.
(I apologize for two seamen jokes ... won't happen again)
Jamaican reggae star Buju Banton, was arrested this week and charged with possession of 11 pounds of cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that Banton didn't have a steel drum band, it was just his teeth grinding.
McWiFi :
Fast food giant McDonald's, has announced plans to offer wireless Internet to it's customers starting sometime in 2010. Good luck explaining that special sauce stain on your keyboard to your friends.
To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Barack Obama :
The press is reporting that Barack Obama has sent a personal letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il in an attempt to alleviate the tension between their two nations. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden sent a singing telegram to Hugo Chavez.
The Tiger King :
Today the Associated Press named Tiger Woods "Athlete of the Decade", narrowly beating out Lance Armstrong. The two men had similar careers this decade - Armstrong overcame cancer and Woods came over cocktail waitresses.
(I apologize for two seamen jokes ... won't happen again)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
HEADLINES
I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas :
A town in Italy is outraged about a public nativity scene which portrays Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as black. The town spokesman has apologized for the controversy and is set to display new figurines with olive skin, tank tops, and scally caps.
Titanic 2.0 :
James Cameron's much anticipated film Avatar will be released this weekend after nearly 10 years of planning by the director. The Sci-Fi community expects the film to be a definitive piece of cinema mixing the best of live action with groundbreaking CGI effects. The non Sci-Fi community expects it to be a three hour cartoon.
Mother of the Year :
A Colorado woman and her son are receiving recognition as business moguls for the success of their out of home business which grows and distributes medical marijuana. Like all business moguls, they drafted a mission statement, wowed investors, then sat around eating Pop Tarts and watching Nick Jr.
Year of the Poon :
Almost 3,500 Chinese people were arrested this week as part of a government sting to shut down illegal pornography sites. No word yet on where the people of China will turn now for their Caucasian fetish porn.
A town in Italy is outraged about a public nativity scene which portrays Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as black. The town spokesman has apologized for the controversy and is set to display new figurines with olive skin, tank tops, and scally caps.
Titanic 2.0 :
James Cameron's much anticipated film Avatar will be released this weekend after nearly 10 years of planning by the director. The Sci-Fi community expects the film to be a definitive piece of cinema mixing the best of live action with groundbreaking CGI effects. The non Sci-Fi community expects it to be a three hour cartoon.
Mother of the Year :
A Colorado woman and her son are receiving recognition as business moguls for the success of their out of home business which grows and distributes medical marijuana. Like all business moguls, they drafted a mission statement, wowed investors, then sat around eating Pop Tarts and watching Nick Jr.
Year of the Poon :
Almost 3,500 Chinese people were arrested this week as part of a government sting to shut down illegal pornography sites. No word yet on where the people of China will turn now for their Caucasian fetish porn.
Monday, December 14, 2009
HEADLINES
Granny Get Your Gun :
In Massachusetts a 100 year old woman has been arrested for killing her 98 year old nursing home roommate. The woman is likely to spend the rest of her life in prison - that's right, the entire week.
SAT 2 1/2 :
A test prep business in New York City is now offering tutoring to 3 year olds in preparation for the entrance exam to upscale kindergartens. The first lesson they teach is, don't shit your pants during the exam.
Panda Bear-y White :
Zookeepers in Australia are attempting with limited success to have two pandas in captivity mate. Every time they appear to be getting close the female panda gets a headache.
Heroine Sheiky Friday :
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan has begun auctioning off her old, used clothing on her website - so if you ever wanted high end clothing covered in cigarette ash, ejaculate, and cocaine residue, your prayers have been answered.
In Massachusetts a 100 year old woman has been arrested for killing her 98 year old nursing home roommate. The woman is likely to spend the rest of her life in prison - that's right, the entire week.
SAT 2 1/2 :
A test prep business in New York City is now offering tutoring to 3 year olds in preparation for the entrance exam to upscale kindergartens. The first lesson they teach is, don't shit your pants during the exam.
Panda Bear-y White :
Zookeepers in Australia are attempting with limited success to have two pandas in captivity mate. Every time they appear to be getting close the female panda gets a headache.
Heroine Sheiky Friday :
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan has begun auctioning off her old, used clothing on her website - so if you ever wanted high end clothing covered in cigarette ash, ejaculate, and cocaine residue, your prayers have been answered.
Friday, December 11, 2009
HEADLINES
Amster-Damn You! :
A man in Amsterdam is in hot water for calling the authorities to report that someone had stolen his stash of ecstasy pills. The man will likely be put on probation which will limit him to two hash brownies and one prostitute a day.
Number One with a Manischewitz :
A chef has released a recipe for the Jewish favorite latkes, using ingredients entirely from the fast food chain Wendy's for the Hanukkah season - or as they will undoubtedly be called in the deep south, Deep Fried Jew Burgers.
Band on the Hop :
In an interview this week Paul McCartney admitted that his marriage to Heather Mills was a big mistake. Many thought it was obvious from the get go, that the marriage didn't have legs.
Contact Your Caddy for Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours :
While women continue to come forward and claim sexual encounters with Tiger Woods, Tiger continues to lose his countless endorsement deals. Luckily the troubled golfer is in talks with Pfizer to create an erectile dysfunction pill tentatively called, "Tiger Wood."*
*Submitted by my father.
A man in Amsterdam is in hot water for calling the authorities to report that someone had stolen his stash of ecstasy pills. The man will likely be put on probation which will limit him to two hash brownies and one prostitute a day.
Number One with a Manischewitz :
A chef has released a recipe for the Jewish favorite latkes, using ingredients entirely from the fast food chain Wendy's for the Hanukkah season - or as they will undoubtedly be called in the deep south, Deep Fried Jew Burgers.
Band on the Hop :
In an interview this week Paul McCartney admitted that his marriage to Heather Mills was a big mistake. Many thought it was obvious from the get go, that the marriage didn't have legs.
Contact Your Caddy for Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours :
While women continue to come forward and claim sexual encounters with Tiger Woods, Tiger continues to lose his countless endorsement deals. Luckily the troubled golfer is in talks with Pfizer to create an erectile dysfunction pill tentatively called, "Tiger Wood."*
*Submitted by my father.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
HEADLINES
Pee-U-I :
A Wisconsin man was sentenced to a year in prison this week for urinating on a police officer when he was pulled over for a DUI last year. The man has a whole year of confinement to think about what he did, and laugh hysterically.
Shore Thing :
Many sponsors have pulled their ads from MTV's "Jersey Shore" due to coming attractions which show female cast mate Snookie getting punched in the face by a man. One sponsor which is standing strong - "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts.
Oral Exams :
As reported yesterday, a female Spanish teacher, and female French teacher, were immediately fired from a New York school when they were caught having sexual intercourse in a vacant classroom. The school board has now turned its investigation to a suspicious pizza delivery boy and cable repair man.
Washington v. Redskins :
The United States government is set to pay Native Americans over $3 billion to settle a lawsuit filed in 1996. Due to the dire economic times, payment will be made in alcohol, Mohegan Sun chips, and tainted blankets.
A Wisconsin man was sentenced to a year in prison this week for urinating on a police officer when he was pulled over for a DUI last year. The man has a whole year of confinement to think about what he did, and laugh hysterically.
Shore Thing :
Many sponsors have pulled their ads from MTV's "Jersey Shore" due to coming attractions which show female cast mate Snookie getting punched in the face by a man. One sponsor which is standing strong - "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts.
Oral Exams :
As reported yesterday, a female Spanish teacher, and female French teacher, were immediately fired from a New York school when they were caught having sexual intercourse in a vacant classroom. The school board has now turned its investigation to a suspicious pizza delivery boy and cable repair man.
Washington v. Redskins :
The United States government is set to pay Native Americans over $3 billion to settle a lawsuit filed in 1996. Due to the dire economic times, payment will be made in alcohol, Mohegan Sun chips, and tainted blankets.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
HEADLINES
The Truth Was Out There :
Due to economic hardship, the the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense opted to shut down it's UFO unit last week. This could mean bad news for the UK's Sasquatch and Loch Ness Monster departments.
Walk Toe to Tar Heel :
A North Carolina woman was arrested this week for selling moonshine out of her day care center. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they noticed her pupils inability to hopscotch in a straight line.
No Country For Old Perverts :
A 100 year old sex offender is set to be released from federal custody later this month in New York. So lock up those innocent, impressionable, 65 year olds.
Hot For Teacher :
Two female high school teachers in New York are in serious trouble for engaging in sexual intercourse with one another in an empty classroom. The women were reported to the school by a suspicious janitor as soon as he washed his hands.
Due to economic hardship, the the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense opted to shut down it's UFO unit last week. This could mean bad news for the UK's Sasquatch and Loch Ness Monster departments.
Walk Toe to Tar Heel :
A North Carolina woman was arrested this week for selling moonshine out of her day care center. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they noticed her pupils inability to hopscotch in a straight line.
No Country For Old Perverts :
A 100 year old sex offender is set to be released from federal custody later this month in New York. So lock up those innocent, impressionable, 65 year olds.
Hot For Teacher :
Two female high school teachers in New York are in serious trouble for engaging in sexual intercourse with one another in an empty classroom. The women were reported to the school by a suspicious janitor as soon as he washed his hands.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
HEADLINES
I Love You, 911 :
A Tennessee man was arrested this weekend for drunk dialing 9-1-1 just to talk. The man will be given a free pass, as he and 9-1-1 recently ended a pretty long and serious relationship.
North Korean Tuxedo :
A company in North Korea has just started distributing a posh designer jean; the first of its kind from the country's limited fashion industry. Unfortunately the jeans are designed for North Koreans, however, and need to be advertised to Westerners as designer jorts.
The Daly News :
Troubled PGA golfer John Daly, told ESPN this week that he really wants to produce a biopic about his rough and tumble life, and he says he wants Kevin James to star. The working title of the project is "King of Whores."
Zhu Zhu Horror :
It was first reported yesterday, that this years hottest holiday toy the Zhu Zhu pet, a motorized gerbil, may contain a hazardous metal which can pose serious health risks. In related news, Richard Gere's colon is in critical condition.
"John the Greek" -
Last night I had a vivid dream that the New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers in this years Super Bowl. If this comes to fruition I will direct you back to this entry. If it does not... well, you'll never see this again.
A Tennessee man was arrested this weekend for drunk dialing 9-1-1 just to talk. The man will be given a free pass, as he and 9-1-1 recently ended a pretty long and serious relationship.
North Korean Tuxedo :
A company in North Korea has just started distributing a posh designer jean; the first of its kind from the country's limited fashion industry. Unfortunately the jeans are designed for North Koreans, however, and need to be advertised to Westerners as designer jorts.
The Daly News :
Troubled PGA golfer John Daly, told ESPN this week that he really wants to produce a biopic about his rough and tumble life, and he says he wants Kevin James to star. The working title of the project is "King of Whores."
Zhu Zhu Horror :
It was first reported yesterday, that this years hottest holiday toy the Zhu Zhu pet, a motorized gerbil, may contain a hazardous metal which can pose serious health risks. In related news, Richard Gere's colon is in critical condition.
"John the Greek" -
Last night I had a vivid dream that the New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers in this years Super Bowl. If this comes to fruition I will direct you back to this entry. If it does not... well, you'll never see this again.
Monday, December 7, 2009
HEADLINES
Governing Hot Bodies :
Governor Charlie Crist of Florida has apologized for accidentally forwarding calls from uninsured parents to a phone sex line instead of a state sponsored toll-free number. The glitch has been corrected, but the parents are still going to be screwed.
Cock Flight :
A man from Guatemala was arrested at Dulles Airport this weekend for attempting to bring $4,000 worth of cocaine into the US, hidden in a cooked chicken. Authorities became suspicious when the cooked chicken escaped from a bag and ran in circles for 14 hours.
Monkey See, Monkey Upload :
Nonja, an orangutan in an Austrian zoo, has become a Facebook sensation due to her ability to take pictures, which are then uploaded onto her Facebook page. One person who's not amused is Be-Bop, the tweeting rhino.
The Wonderful Thing About Tigers :
The newest woman to come forward and claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods is an adult film actress. Needless to say, Tiger had no trouble on that hole.
Governor Charlie Crist of Florida has apologized for accidentally forwarding calls from uninsured parents to a phone sex line instead of a state sponsored toll-free number. The glitch has been corrected, but the parents are still going to be screwed.
Cock Flight :
A man from Guatemala was arrested at Dulles Airport this weekend for attempting to bring $4,000 worth of cocaine into the US, hidden in a cooked chicken. Authorities became suspicious when the cooked chicken escaped from a bag and ran in circles for 14 hours.
Monkey See, Monkey Upload :
Nonja, an orangutan in an Austrian zoo, has become a Facebook sensation due to her ability to take pictures, which are then uploaded onto her Facebook page. One person who's not amused is Be-Bop, the tweeting rhino.
The Wonderful Thing About Tigers :
The newest woman to come forward and claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods is an adult film actress. Needless to say, Tiger had no trouble on that hole.
Friday, December 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Kitty Life :
A company is marketing a new "Cat Cam" which will allow cat owners to watch their cats when they are not home. This will be the first time you can look at a pussy on your work computer without getting fired.
Totes Tying the Knizot :
A Maryland man has under come scrutiny for updating his Facebook status from the altar during his own wedding last week. The man is expected to make similar headlines when he tweets from his annulment this week.
Alabama Slamma 2.0 :
An Alabama man was arrested yesterday for hiding in a Walmart after it had closed and attempting to rob the store's cash registers. The man has been arrested and charged with stealing ideas from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Tommy J :
A graduate student who was cleaning out the library at the University of Delaware this week was astonished to find an original letter composed by the third President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. The title of the letter was, "52 year old white man seeking some brown sugar."
A company is marketing a new "Cat Cam" which will allow cat owners to watch their cats when they are not home. This will be the first time you can look at a pussy on your work computer without getting fired.
Totes Tying the Knizot :
A Maryland man has under come scrutiny for updating his Facebook status from the altar during his own wedding last week. The man is expected to make similar headlines when he tweets from his annulment this week.
Alabama Slamma 2.0 :
An Alabama man was arrested yesterday for hiding in a Walmart after it had closed and attempting to rob the store's cash registers. The man has been arrested and charged with stealing ideas from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Tommy J :
A graduate student who was cleaning out the library at the University of Delaware this week was astonished to find an original letter composed by the third President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. The title of the letter was, "52 year old white man seeking some brown sugar."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Tiger in the Rough :
More women are continuing to come out and allege sexual affairs with Tiger Woods following his car accident earlier this week. It's now clear why there are so many dimples in his balls.
Pea-Cock of the Walk :
The media giant Comcast has purchased a controlling stock in NBC for an alleged 30 billion dollars despite the networks rating struggles. Comcast decided to purchase NBC after being turned down by ABC, CBS, Fox, BET, QVC, The Game Show Network, and the Catholic Channel.
Blame it on the Henny :
Troubled NBA star Ron Artest admitted yesterday to frequently drinking Hennessey during halftime of games earlier in his career. This makes sense, as an audio investigation of his famous melee in Detroit reveals him saying, "Ima let you finish, but Pacers fans are the best fans of all time!!!"
Nipped in the Butt :
As reported earlier this week, the former Ms. Argentina tragically passed away while undergoing elective surgery for a butt lift. Luckily for the doctors involved, the victim's family has decided to turn the other cheek.*
*RIP
More women are continuing to come out and allege sexual affairs with Tiger Woods following his car accident earlier this week. It's now clear why there are so many dimples in his balls.
Pea-Cock of the Walk :
The media giant Comcast has purchased a controlling stock in NBC for an alleged 30 billion dollars despite the networks rating struggles. Comcast decided to purchase NBC after being turned down by ABC, CBS, Fox, BET, QVC, The Game Show Network, and the Catholic Channel.
Blame it on the Henny :
Troubled NBA star Ron Artest admitted yesterday to frequently drinking Hennessey during halftime of games earlier in his career. This makes sense, as an audio investigation of his famous melee in Detroit reveals him saying, "Ima let you finish, but Pacers fans are the best fans of all time!!!"
Nipped in the Butt :
As reported earlier this week, the former Ms. Argentina tragically passed away while undergoing elective surgery for a butt lift. Luckily for the doctors involved, the victim's family has decided to turn the other cheek.*
*RIP
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
HEADLINES
Throw the Facebook at 'Em :
This week 3,500 sex offenders from the state of New York were stripped of their Facebook and Myspace accounts in accordance with a new state law. It looks like it's back to the park bench!
Open a Tab :
A researcher has announced that a shockingly high number of children ages 1 to 18 swallowed the tabs from soda cans this year. This means your grandfather's assertions were right; children are stupider these days.
Yahoo Yahoos :
The Internet search engine Yahoo! announced today that the three most widely searched topics for 2009 were "Michael Jackson," "Twilight," and "WWE." That's right, it took a decade, but Yahoo! finally cornered the racially ambiguous, pedophile, pre-teens, who live in a trailer park, market.
Baby's Got Back :
In sad news, former Ms. Argentina died this week during elective surgery to get a butt lift. Medical examiners are hopeful and say they found a big crack in the case.*
*Bravo, John.
This week 3,500 sex offenders from the state of New York were stripped of their Facebook and Myspace accounts in accordance with a new state law. It looks like it's back to the park bench!
Open a Tab :
A researcher has announced that a shockingly high number of children ages 1 to 18 swallowed the tabs from soda cans this year. This means your grandfather's assertions were right; children are stupider these days.
Yahoo Yahoos :
The Internet search engine Yahoo! announced today that the three most widely searched topics for 2009 were "Michael Jackson," "Twilight," and "WWE." That's right, it took a decade, but Yahoo! finally cornered the racially ambiguous, pedophile, pre-teens, who live in a trailer park, market.
Baby's Got Back :
In sad news, former Ms. Argentina died this week during elective surgery to get a butt lift. Medical examiners are hopeful and say they found a big crack in the case.*
*Bravo, John.
Monday, November 30, 2009
HEADLINES
The Evolution of Paper :
An original Charles Darwin text has been discovered in a London home and is expected to make millions in an auction later this month. The text, written approximately 150 years ago, is currently walking homo-erectis and making tools.
The Mutants of Wal-Mart :
A Long Island woman has been arrested after leaving her two year old child in a running car outside of a Wal-Mart as she ran inside to shop. The woman will likely lose custody of her child, but on the bright side she does have a 50 pack of Scotch Tape.
Water/Tree Penalty :
Golfer Tiger Woods was involved in a single car accident over the weekend when he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree while leaving his driveway. While the cause of the accident is still uncertain, all signs point to his being half Asian.
The Pale Revolution :
For the second weekend in a row, Twilight: New Moon dominated at the box office, making over $40 million. In related news, for the second week in a row a disproportionate amount of middle schoolers got to second base.
An original Charles Darwin text has been discovered in a London home and is expected to make millions in an auction later this month. The text, written approximately 150 years ago, is currently walking homo-erectis and making tools.
The Mutants of Wal-Mart :
A Long Island woman has been arrested after leaving her two year old child in a running car outside of a Wal-Mart as she ran inside to shop. The woman will likely lose custody of her child, but on the bright side she does have a 50 pack of Scotch Tape.
Water/Tree Penalty :
Golfer Tiger Woods was involved in a single car accident over the weekend when he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree while leaving his driveway. While the cause of the accident is still uncertain, all signs point to his being half Asian.
The Pale Revolution :
For the second weekend in a row, Twilight: New Moon dominated at the box office, making over $40 million. In related news, for the second week in a row a disproportionate amount of middle schoolers got to second base.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
HEADLINES
No Sons in the Champagne Room :
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.
Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.
Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.
Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.
Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.
Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.
Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.
Monday, November 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Kiss-mas Ban :
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.
2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.
The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.
GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.
2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.
The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.
GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.
Friday, November 20, 2009
HEADLINES
Toddler, M.D. :
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.
Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.
Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.
Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.
Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.
Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.
Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
HEADLINES
Old School :
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.
It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.
Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"
He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.
It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.
Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"
He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
HEADLINES
Hamsters Not Included :
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.
Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.
Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."
The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.
Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.
Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."
The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."
Friday, November 13, 2009
HEADLINES
Give a Dog a Bone :
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.
Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.
Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.
Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.
Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
HEADLINES
Come-on-Down.com :
Reuters reported today that plans are in the works for the creation of an online auction site for millionaires to auction off extravagant items such as yachts, luxury cars, and vacation homes. The items will go to whoever bids closest to the actual retail price without going over.
Piss Be with You :
The sudden rise in cases of swine flu throughout Europe has led an Italian man to invent an electric holy water dispenser for Catholic churches; because nothing says welcome to church like the feeling of God pissing on your hands.
Face-Book 'Em Danno :
A Brooklyn man avoided a jail sentence this week by proving that he could not have participated in an armed robbery because at the time he was updating his Facebook status. The Facebook status in question, read "Going to commit armed robbery... back in time for The Hills."
Have You Seen This? Have You Heard About This? :
The young woman who had an affair with ESPN's Steve Phillips has come out to defend her honor after she saw Jay Leno make a joke at her expense on his show. That's right, a woman who wants to be respected watches The Jay Leno Show.
Reuters reported today that plans are in the works for the creation of an online auction site for millionaires to auction off extravagant items such as yachts, luxury cars, and vacation homes. The items will go to whoever bids closest to the actual retail price without going over.
Piss Be with You :
The sudden rise in cases of swine flu throughout Europe has led an Italian man to invent an electric holy water dispenser for Catholic churches; because nothing says welcome to church like the feeling of God pissing on your hands.
Face-Book 'Em Danno :
A Brooklyn man avoided a jail sentence this week by proving that he could not have participated in an armed robbery because at the time he was updating his Facebook status. The Facebook status in question, read "Going to commit armed robbery... back in time for The Hills."
Have You Seen This? Have You Heard About This? :
The young woman who had an affair with ESPN's Steve Phillips has come out to defend her honor after she saw Jay Leno make a joke at her expense on his show. That's right, a woman who wants to be respected watches The Jay Leno Show.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
HEADLINES
Teenage Hindu Deity Turtles :
A small Hindu village in India is refusing to hand over an endangered species of turtle because they believe that it is the reincarnation of the God Jagannath. It's an honest mistake, as Jagannath was the God of extreme laziness.
I Do :
A New Jersey woman was amazed this week when her lost engagement ring was returned after being found amongst tons and tons of garbage in a large dump. Or more simply put, an engagement ring was found in New Jersey.
Dopin' :
After pictures surfaced of him looking strangely pale, former MLB great Sammy Sosa has adamantly denied reports that he underwent a skin lightening procedure. If history is any indication, this means that Sammy Sosa most certainly underwent a skin lightening procedure.
Go Ahead... Make my Day :
A judge in New Jersey has upheld a ruling to allow a quadriplegic man to own a gun for self defense. So if you're robbing a quadriplegic man in New Jersey and leave him enough time to voice activate his wheelchair in the direction of a gun, pivot, wheel at you, position the gun just right in his mouth, and pull the trigger with his tongue... Well you're shit out of luck.
A small Hindu village in India is refusing to hand over an endangered species of turtle because they believe that it is the reincarnation of the God Jagannath. It's an honest mistake, as Jagannath was the God of extreme laziness.
I Do :
A New Jersey woman was amazed this week when her lost engagement ring was returned after being found amongst tons and tons of garbage in a large dump. Or more simply put, an engagement ring was found in New Jersey.
Dopin' :
After pictures surfaced of him looking strangely pale, former MLB great Sammy Sosa has adamantly denied reports that he underwent a skin lightening procedure. If history is any indication, this means that Sammy Sosa most certainly underwent a skin lightening procedure.
Go Ahead... Make my Day :
A judge in New Jersey has upheld a ruling to allow a quadriplegic man to own a gun for self defense. So if you're robbing a quadriplegic man in New Jersey and leave him enough time to voice activate his wheelchair in the direction of a gun, pivot, wheel at you, position the gun just right in his mouth, and pull the trigger with his tongue... Well you're shit out of luck.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
HEADLINES
Gum Shoe :
Police in Connecticut have reported a substantial rise in the number of chewing gum thefts in convenient stores statewide. The authorities have no leads at the moment but hope to get some answers by water boarding a 1st grader.
Dream Off :
Reports are circulating that Steven Tyler will officially leave the band Aerosmith. "Oh no!" declared 1978.
Philly Blues :
Quarterback Michael Vick has stated that he's unhappy with his position on the Philadelphia Eagles and was not told that he would be used only in wildcat formations when he was signed. Said Vick, "If I wanted to get rear ended I would've stayed in prison."
Open Sesame :
The children's television program "Sesame Street" marked its 40th anniversary this week with a celebration including celebrity guests, classic sketches, and a much overdo intervention for Cookie Monster.
I'm working for a new website... Check it out --
outofcontext.com
Police in Connecticut have reported a substantial rise in the number of chewing gum thefts in convenient stores statewide. The authorities have no leads at the moment but hope to get some answers by water boarding a 1st grader.
Dream Off :
Reports are circulating that Steven Tyler will officially leave the band Aerosmith. "Oh no!" declared 1978.
Philly Blues :
Quarterback Michael Vick has stated that he's unhappy with his position on the Philadelphia Eagles and was not told that he would be used only in wildcat formations when he was signed. Said Vick, "If I wanted to get rear ended I would've stayed in prison."
Open Sesame :
The children's television program "Sesame Street" marked its 40th anniversary this week with a celebration including celebrity guests, classic sketches, and a much overdo intervention for Cookie Monster.
I'm working for a new website... Check it out --
outofcontext.com
Monday, November 9, 2009
HEADLINES
950th Times a Charm :
A 68 year old woman in South Korea passed her driving test this week after 950 previous failed attempts. She is now legally able to drive the shoulder, at 10 miles per hour, with her blinker on and her head dangerously close to the wheel.
Carnival 101 :
A female student in Brazil was suspended last week for dressing inappropriately after showing up to school in a pink mini dress. The student has apologized and has agreed to come to school in a bikini and sparkly feathered head dress like the rest of the girls.
Reading for Pleasure :
A teacher in Manhattan has been suspended after assigning his 11th grade class a short story about masturbation. Now that the assigned reading has been nullified, the 11th graders can spend more time masturbating.
Tear Down this Wall :
This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. In that 20 years there have been 5 United States Presidents, countless changes in the economic and social climate of Europe, and 22 cases of alcohol poisoning for David Hasselhoff.
A 68 year old woman in South Korea passed her driving test this week after 950 previous failed attempts. She is now legally able to drive the shoulder, at 10 miles per hour, with her blinker on and her head dangerously close to the wheel.
Carnival 101 :
A female student in Brazil was suspended last week for dressing inappropriately after showing up to school in a pink mini dress. The student has apologized and has agreed to come to school in a bikini and sparkly feathered head dress like the rest of the girls.
Reading for Pleasure :
A teacher in Manhattan has been suspended after assigning his 11th grade class a short story about masturbation. Now that the assigned reading has been nullified, the 11th graders can spend more time masturbating.
Tear Down this Wall :
This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. In that 20 years there have been 5 United States Presidents, countless changes in the economic and social climate of Europe, and 22 cases of alcohol poisoning for David Hasselhoff.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
HEADLINES
Jesus Christ! :
A Tennessee man is claiming that the face of Jesus Christ is continually appearing on the window of his truck. Even more amazing, Mary Magdalene is on his mud flaps.
Man Alive! The Man's Alive! :
Mourners were shocked yesterday when a Brazilian man showed up to what friends and family thought was his funeral after falsely identifying a corpse. There was rejoice, laughter, and the awkward task of ditching a stranger's corpse.
Take a Stab at It :
A Denver man who works at a Blockbuster reportedly stabbed himself this week and blamed it on skinheads to get out of work. The man has been arrested, and more importantly the good reputation of skinheads remains intact.
Miss Cali-Porn-Ia :
The former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who was suing the pageant committee for allegedly taking away her crown due to her views on gay marriage, dropped her lawsuit after the committee supposedly threatened to leak a sex tape of her. Prejean said if she wanted her sexuality exploited, mocked, and judged, she would join another beauty pageant.
A Tennessee man is claiming that the face of Jesus Christ is continually appearing on the window of his truck. Even more amazing, Mary Magdalene is on his mud flaps.
Man Alive! The Man's Alive! :
Mourners were shocked yesterday when a Brazilian man showed up to what friends and family thought was his funeral after falsely identifying a corpse. There was rejoice, laughter, and the awkward task of ditching a stranger's corpse.
Take a Stab at It :
A Denver man who works at a Blockbuster reportedly stabbed himself this week and blamed it on skinheads to get out of work. The man has been arrested, and more importantly the good reputation of skinheads remains intact.
Miss Cali-Porn-Ia :
The former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who was suing the pageant committee for allegedly taking away her crown due to her views on gay marriage, dropped her lawsuit after the committee supposedly threatened to leak a sex tape of her. Prejean said if she wanted her sexuality exploited, mocked, and judged, she would join another beauty pageant.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Lieutenant Calf :
A calf in New Mexico who lost its hind legs in an accident several months ago was fitted with two prosthetic legs this week. The calf can now walk under its own strength to the slaughterhouse to become delicious veal.
Gloria in Excelsis Fido :
A Presbyterian church in California is now allowing its parishioners to bring their dogs to mass. This despite the well known fact that dogs are firm believers in transubstantiation.
Sesame Street Meat :
The famous children's educational series Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on air this week. "&*%^#$@!*&^%$#!" proclaimed Linda.
Brotherly Love :
Barack Obama's half-brother Mark, who has admittedly only met the President a handful of times, is releasing a tell all book about his relationship with his famous brother and their abusive father. The book will aptly be titled, "Ka-Ching!"*
*Onomatopoeia
A calf in New Mexico who lost its hind legs in an accident several months ago was fitted with two prosthetic legs this week. The calf can now walk under its own strength to the slaughterhouse to become delicious veal.
Gloria in Excelsis Fido :
A Presbyterian church in California is now allowing its parishioners to bring their dogs to mass. This despite the well known fact that dogs are firm believers in transubstantiation.
Sesame Street Meat :
The famous children's educational series Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on air this week. "&*%^#$@!*&^%$#!" proclaimed Linda.
Brotherly Love :
Barack Obama's half-brother Mark, who has admittedly only met the President a handful of times, is releasing a tell all book about his relationship with his famous brother and their abusive father. The book will aptly be titled, "Ka-Ching!"*
*Onomatopoeia
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Tune In, Turn On, Take a Drop :
This weekend, PGA golfer Doug Barron became the first golfer to ever test positive for drugs since the introduction of an anti-doping policy in 2008. John Daly called to congratulate Barron on a well fought battle.
Ground Control to Major Dumb :
A Spanish based company which has been planning the construction of a hotel in space for some years said that they will begin taking $4 million reservations as early as 2012. They ask that those interested form an orderly line behind David Bowie and Lance Bass.
Tranny Thieves :
Five transvestites in the Philippines have been arrested for drugging male tourists and robbing them. Said the transvestites' lawyer, "They don't have the balls to pull such a move."
Christian Values :
A 28 year old male employee of a Christian bookstore in California has been arrested for putting a spy camera in the women's restroom. In the man's defense, there are few things more arousing then a female patron of a Christian bookstore making number 2.
This weekend, PGA golfer Doug Barron became the first golfer to ever test positive for drugs since the introduction of an anti-doping policy in 2008. John Daly called to congratulate Barron on a well fought battle.
Ground Control to Major Dumb :
A Spanish based company which has been planning the construction of a hotel in space for some years said that they will begin taking $4 million reservations as early as 2012. They ask that those interested form an orderly line behind David Bowie and Lance Bass.
Tranny Thieves :
Five transvestites in the Philippines have been arrested for drugging male tourists and robbing them. Said the transvestites' lawyer, "They don't have the balls to pull such a move."
Christian Values :
A 28 year old male employee of a Christian bookstore in California has been arrested for putting a spy camera in the women's restroom. In the man's defense, there are few things more arousing then a female patron of a Christian bookstore making number 2.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
HEADLINES
The Philly Whore-Natic :
A Philadelphia woman was arrested earlier this week for prostituting herself in hopes of acquiring World Series tickets. Apparently for an extra bag of Cracker Jacks you could kiss her on the mouth.
The Divorced Boys :
80's actor Corey Feldman announced this week that he will be divorcing his wife of seven years. Said Feldman's wife, "I thought I was marrying the Corey from Lucas."
Dreg's List :
The most popular cemetery in London has announced that people will have to begin sharing grave plots with strangers due to overcrowding. "I call top bunk!" said Queen Elizabeth.
Driving While Related :
Reuters released a study this week which claims that poor driving is directly connected to genetics. So it's been confirmed, all Asian women are related.
LINK OF THE DAY
A Philadelphia woman was arrested earlier this week for prostituting herself in hopes of acquiring World Series tickets. Apparently for an extra bag of Cracker Jacks you could kiss her on the mouth.
The Divorced Boys :
80's actor Corey Feldman announced this week that he will be divorcing his wife of seven years. Said Feldman's wife, "I thought I was marrying the Corey from Lucas."
Dreg's List :
The most popular cemetery in London has announced that people will have to begin sharing grave plots with strangers due to overcrowding. "I call top bunk!" said Queen Elizabeth.
Driving While Related :
Reuters released a study this week which claims that poor driving is directly connected to genetics. So it's been confirmed, all Asian women are related.
LINK OF THE DAY
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
HEADLINES
The Aces of Crystal Meth :
In an upcoming memoir, American tennis great Andre Agassi admits that during his prime he experimented with snorting crystal meth. Tennis enthusiasts can finally make sense of the unforgettable incident at Wimbledon when Agassi ran suicides for 2 hours then cried himself to sleep in the fetal position.
Bah Humbug! :
Reuters reported today that due to the dire economic situation, many American companies have already cancelled annual Christmas celebrations to save money. So it looks like you'll have to get drunk, piss yourself, and screw the fat intern on your own time.
Si-silly News :
A man in Sicily who had been sentenced to home arrest is pleading with the judge to change his sentence to time in prison, because he no longer wants to spend time at home with his wife. One thing's for certain, in jail he'll certainly be having a lot more sex.
Jumping the Shark :
Authorities in Australia are on the search for what's being described as a "monster shark" which bit a 10 foot great white in half over the weekend. They've reached out to those most suited in dealing with such an animal; oceanographers, shark experts, and the head of SciFi original programming.
In an upcoming memoir, American tennis great Andre Agassi admits that during his prime he experimented with snorting crystal meth. Tennis enthusiasts can finally make sense of the unforgettable incident at Wimbledon when Agassi ran suicides for 2 hours then cried himself to sleep in the fetal position.
Bah Humbug! :
Reuters reported today that due to the dire economic situation, many American companies have already cancelled annual Christmas celebrations to save money. So it looks like you'll have to get drunk, piss yourself, and screw the fat intern on your own time.
Si-silly News :
A man in Sicily who had been sentenced to home arrest is pleading with the judge to change his sentence to time in prison, because he no longer wants to spend time at home with his wife. One thing's for certain, in jail he'll certainly be having a lot more sex.
Jumping the Shark :
Authorities in Australia are on the search for what's being described as a "monster shark" which bit a 10 foot great white in half over the weekend. They've reached out to those most suited in dealing with such an animal; oceanographers, shark experts, and the head of SciFi original programming.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
HEADLINES
Motivationality :
Former President George W. Bush gave his first motivational speech this week since leaving the White House 9 months ago. In related news, former President George W. Bush gave his last motivational speech this week.
The Perfect Crime :
A one legged person was detained in Brussels this week after being suspected of stealing a single shoe from a shoe store. It looks like Paul McCartney stopped paying his alimony.
The Children Are the Future :
Schools in the United Kingdom have begun giving career counseling to students who are only nine years old. Preliminary numbers show that we can expect a boom in 10 years of super heroes and princesses.
The Truth is Out There... And You Can't Handle It :
The government of France has declared war on the Church of Scientology. If history is any indication, the French will surrender sometime later this week.
Former President George W. Bush gave his first motivational speech this week since leaving the White House 9 months ago. In related news, former President George W. Bush gave his last motivational speech this week.
The Perfect Crime :
A one legged person was detained in Brussels this week after being suspected of stealing a single shoe from a shoe store. It looks like Paul McCartney stopped paying his alimony.
The Children Are the Future :
Schools in the United Kingdom have begun giving career counseling to students who are only nine years old. Preliminary numbers show that we can expect a boom in 10 years of super heroes and princesses.
The Truth is Out There... And You Can't Handle It :
The government of France has declared war on the Church of Scientology. If history is any indication, the French will surrender sometime later this week.
Friday, October 23, 2009
HEADLINES
"Get Out of Mom's Basement Free" Card :
A 19 year old Monopoly expert won one of the largest Monopoly tournaments ever assembled in Las Vegas this past weekend. The man will share his $20,000 prize with those closest to him; his right hand and his left hand.
The Good (?) Reverend :
MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced the Reverend Jesse Jackson as the Revernd Al Sharpton live on air this week. In Brewer's defense, all middle-aged, attention whores, with questionable titles, who relate everything to race no matter the circumstance, do look somewhat similar.
How Did I Get Here? :
New York City police are attempting to identify a teenage woman who they discovered in Times Square last week, with no identification, and no idea who she is. The only information the woman retained was information from a fantasy novel she believed she was writing. Authorities will begin by reaching out to drug dealers with awesome LSD.
Granny Get Your Gun :
Police in Madrid arrested a 92 year old woman in a wheelchair this weekend for smuggling cocaine into the country. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they saw her wheelchair going 55 MPH and the spokes were grinding.
The Red Peril :
After a successful dinner meeting with NBA officials yesterday it appears as if a Russian billionaire will get the go ahead to purchase the New Jersey Nets and help facilitate their move to a state of the art facility in Brooklyn. The only thing standing in front of him is the Brooklyn Zoning Commission... and Jack Bauer.
A 19 year old Monopoly expert won one of the largest Monopoly tournaments ever assembled in Las Vegas this past weekend. The man will share his $20,000 prize with those closest to him; his right hand and his left hand.
The Good (?) Reverend :
MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced the Reverend Jesse Jackson as the Revernd Al Sharpton live on air this week. In Brewer's defense, all middle-aged, attention whores, with questionable titles, who relate everything to race no matter the circumstance, do look somewhat similar.
How Did I Get Here? :
New York City police are attempting to identify a teenage woman who they discovered in Times Square last week, with no identification, and no idea who she is. The only information the woman retained was information from a fantasy novel she believed she was writing. Authorities will begin by reaching out to drug dealers with awesome LSD.
Granny Get Your Gun :
Police in Madrid arrested a 92 year old woman in a wheelchair this weekend for smuggling cocaine into the country. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they saw her wheelchair going 55 MPH and the spokes were grinding.
The Red Peril :
After a successful dinner meeting with NBA officials yesterday it appears as if a Russian billionaire will get the go ahead to purchase the New Jersey Nets and help facilitate their move to a state of the art facility in Brooklyn. The only thing standing in front of him is the Brooklyn Zoning Commission... and Jack Bauer.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
HEADLINES
Disapproval Rating :
New York Governor David Paterson's most recent approval rating is reportedly at a phenomenally low 27%. In related news, David Paterson has conducted a study which found 73% of New Yorkers to be racist.
DUI to the 3rd :
A Nevada man was arrested this past weekend for his third DUI in the last 17 days; or as Billy Joel would call it, "a good month."
Test Run Away :
A Massachusetts man has been charged with kidnapping after taking a car for a test drive with salesman from the dealership and driving 1,000 miles to Wisconsin. On a positive note, the suspect loved the way the car handled.
President Puffin Stuff :
President Barack Obama said yesterday that he intends to ease the prosecution of medical marijuana sellers and users in 15 states. Celebrating the announcement were patients who rely on marijuana for a better life, believers in holistic healing, and Jimmy, the high school sophomore who scored a medical marijuana license.
New York Governor David Paterson's most recent approval rating is reportedly at a phenomenally low 27%. In related news, David Paterson has conducted a study which found 73% of New Yorkers to be racist.
DUI to the 3rd :
A Nevada man was arrested this past weekend for his third DUI in the last 17 days; or as Billy Joel would call it, "a good month."
Test Run Away :
A Massachusetts man has been charged with kidnapping after taking a car for a test drive with salesman from the dealership and driving 1,000 miles to Wisconsin. On a positive note, the suspect loved the way the car handled.
President Puffin Stuff :
President Barack Obama said yesterday that he intends to ease the prosecution of medical marijuana sellers and users in 15 states. Celebrating the announcement were patients who rely on marijuana for a better life, believers in holistic healing, and Jimmy, the high school sophomore who scored a medical marijuana license.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
HEADLINES
Australia - Earth's Frat House :
The organizers of an annual carnival in Melbourne, Australia have come under criticism for organizing an event they're calling the "Midget Cup," in which Dwarfs will race for a prize. The organizers have apologized for the unethical event, and have replaced it with an amputee potato sack race.
Family Matters :
A police officer in Arkansas has made headlines after tasering his own intoxicated brother during a police raid on a local hot spot. The odds of something like this happening in Arkanasas are about 85%.
The Perfect Crime :
Police in Baton Rouge, Louisiana are on the search for a single suspect who robbed a convenient store last week and stole only 11 cases of beer. The authorities don't want to jump to conclusions, but it could be the same man who robbed 1,000 solo cups and 6 dozen ping pong balls earlier this month.
Anne Frank.0 :
The only known footage of Anne Frank, the young Holocaust victim who's diary has become a celebrated work of non-fiction, appeared on YouTube earlier this week. The young Anne Frank sits on a window sill, stares out a window, and then dances to Kelis's "Milkshake" on a wobbly table.
The organizers of an annual carnival in Melbourne, Australia have come under criticism for organizing an event they're calling the "Midget Cup," in which Dwarfs will race for a prize. The organizers have apologized for the unethical event, and have replaced it with an amputee potato sack race.
Family Matters :
A police officer in Arkansas has made headlines after tasering his own intoxicated brother during a police raid on a local hot spot. The odds of something like this happening in Arkanasas are about 85%.
The Perfect Crime :
Police in Baton Rouge, Louisiana are on the search for a single suspect who robbed a convenient store last week and stole only 11 cases of beer. The authorities don't want to jump to conclusions, but it could be the same man who robbed 1,000 solo cups and 6 dozen ping pong balls earlier this month.
Anne Frank.0 :
The only known footage of Anne Frank, the young Holocaust victim who's diary has become a celebrated work of non-fiction, appeared on YouTube earlier this week. The young Anne Frank sits on a window sill, stares out a window, and then dances to Kelis's "Milkshake" on a wobbly table.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
HEADLINES
Hong Kong Hustle :
A posh penthouse apartment in Hong Kong sold this week for an unbelievable $57 million. About $30 million of that money was spent on stepping stools.
Hold the Gruel :
A mafia hit man detained in a New York City prison issued a complaint this week that the food served inside is far too starchy and unhealthy. He went on to say, "The anal rapes are a bit out of line too."
MASS Hysteria :
A Massachusetts teenager was detained this week after drop kicking his mother in the throat and headbutting his father when they took away his cell phone as a punishment. Unfortunately the boy was unable to text his BFF about totes pwning his rents.
The Choice of a New Generation :
Feminists are upset about a new iPhone Application designed by the Pepsi company which feeds men pickup lines based on stereotypical descriptions of women they meet. So if you want to impress a woman, use coke.
A posh penthouse apartment in Hong Kong sold this week for an unbelievable $57 million. About $30 million of that money was spent on stepping stools.
Hold the Gruel :
A mafia hit man detained in a New York City prison issued a complaint this week that the food served inside is far too starchy and unhealthy. He went on to say, "The anal rapes are a bit out of line too."
MASS Hysteria :
A Massachusetts teenager was detained this week after drop kicking his mother in the throat and headbutting his father when they took away his cell phone as a punishment. Unfortunately the boy was unable to text his BFF about totes pwning his rents.
The Choice of a New Generation :
Feminists are upset about a new iPhone Application designed by the Pepsi company which feeds men pickup lines based on stereotypical descriptions of women they meet. So if you want to impress a woman, use coke.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
HEADLINES
Mach-Oh' Man :
A scientific study has determined that women who are on the birth control pill are less attracted to stereotypical "macho men" than woman who are not. "That explains it," said the chiseled lumberjack with three illegitimate children.
Euro Passed Gas :
A German man was dragged pantless across a train platform yesterday after his pants got caught in the closing doors of the locomotive. The man sustained minor scratches and bruises; the platform sustained substantial skidmarks.
Give the Finger to the System :
An English family is suing a grade school after their daughter lost her fingers in an arts and crafts class earlier this month. To add insult to injury the girl was given an "Incomplete" in finger painting.
Here Comes the Neighborhood :
The home next door to Barack Obama's in Illinois has officially gone up for sale, and the current owner is asking for $2.5 million. Many affluent families love the home, but are not crazy about living in a "black neighborhood."
A scientific study has determined that women who are on the birth control pill are less attracted to stereotypical "macho men" than woman who are not. "That explains it," said the chiseled lumberjack with three illegitimate children.
Euro Passed Gas :
A German man was dragged pantless across a train platform yesterday after his pants got caught in the closing doors of the locomotive. The man sustained minor scratches and bruises; the platform sustained substantial skidmarks.
Give the Finger to the System :
An English family is suing a grade school after their daughter lost her fingers in an arts and crafts class earlier this month. To add insult to injury the girl was given an "Incomplete" in finger painting.
Here Comes the Neighborhood :
The home next door to Barack Obama's in Illinois has officially gone up for sale, and the current owner is asking for $2.5 million. Many affluent families love the home, but are not crazy about living in a "black neighborhood."
Monday, October 12, 2009
HEADLINES
The Honeymoon is Over :
The country of Malaysia is offering free honeymoons to newly married couples to help increase its tourism. The free honeymoons will include beautiful sand beaches, free drinks, live entertainment, and a public caning for women who partake in these activities.
The Maine Event :
A man from Maine won the annual North American Wife Carrying Competition by carrying his wife 300 yards in just over 54 seconds. Coming in dead last, was Gilbert Grape's father. (How outdated).
Detroit Cock City :
A liquor store in Detroit has been shut down after it was discovered that the owner was giving out Viagra and pornography in exchange for food stamps. Authorities became suspicious when store patrons constantly walked out bow-legged.
The Prance on Washington :
Thousands of gay, lesbian, and transgender Americans marched on Washington, DC this weekend as a sign of solidarity in the fight for the Civil Rights of the homosexual community. The march was much like that of the African Americans over 50 years ago, but with much more assless chaps.
The country of Malaysia is offering free honeymoons to newly married couples to help increase its tourism. The free honeymoons will include beautiful sand beaches, free drinks, live entertainment, and a public caning for women who partake in these activities.
The Maine Event :
A man from Maine won the annual North American Wife Carrying Competition by carrying his wife 300 yards in just over 54 seconds. Coming in dead last, was Gilbert Grape's father. (How outdated).
Detroit Cock City :
A liquor store in Detroit has been shut down after it was discovered that the owner was giving out Viagra and pornography in exchange for food stamps. Authorities became suspicious when store patrons constantly walked out bow-legged.
The Prance on Washington :
Thousands of gay, lesbian, and transgender Americans marched on Washington, DC this weekend as a sign of solidarity in the fight for the Civil Rights of the homosexual community. The march was much like that of the African Americans over 50 years ago, but with much more assless chaps.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
HEADLINES
Ohhhhh, Canada :
Two Canadian men were injured at a zoo this weekend after being mauled by a tiger who's cage they broke into. While the motive for their actions is still unknown, all signs point to them being Canadian.
Steve McQueen Style :
A man in a Georgia jail has been detained after attempting to break out during his time in the yard, by stuffing his shirt with newspapers and jumping over the barbed wire fence, only to get stuck. There's still no word on how the jail guards foiled his plot.
T.P. O'Skidmark's :
A school in Cork, Ireland has instructed its students to begin bringing their own toilet paper to school due to budget cuts, or they can simply bring a cork.
Cariboubs :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson has announced plans this week to pose naked in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine. Former Governor Palin has stated that she has no intention of seeing the photo spread unless the shoot takes place in Russia, in which case she'll see it from her house.
Two Canadian men were injured at a zoo this weekend after being mauled by a tiger who's cage they broke into. While the motive for their actions is still unknown, all signs point to them being Canadian.
Steve McQueen Style :
A man in a Georgia jail has been detained after attempting to break out during his time in the yard, by stuffing his shirt with newspapers and jumping over the barbed wire fence, only to get stuck. There's still no word on how the jail guards foiled his plot.
T.P. O'Skidmark's :
A school in Cork, Ireland has instructed its students to begin bringing their own toilet paper to school due to budget cuts, or they can simply bring a cork.
Cariboubs :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson has announced plans this week to pose naked in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine. Former Governor Palin has stated that she has no intention of seeing the photo spread unless the shoot takes place in Russia, in which case she'll see it from her house.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
HEADLINES
Blinded by the Light :
Earlier this week blind New York Governor David Paterson made a public statement for his competitors in the upcoming gubernatorial race to step forward and state why they would be better than him. Unfortunately, David Paterson unknowingly made his statement standing in a Dairy Queen bathroom.
... :
It was announced today that a statue of Helen Keller will be put on display in a wing of the United States Capital. Said the family of Helen Keller, "*&%$$%##@@!"
Detroit Rock Shitty :
Last night the Minnesota Twins beat the Detroit Tigers in a one game playoff eliminating them from post season contention. That's right, 30 more people in Detroit are out of work.
Everything's Crazier in Texas :
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. The only difference between their journeys was Jesus didn't wear timberlands and make daily stops in Denny's bathrooms.
(TAKE 2)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. So, YES, Mel Gibson is still a little crazy.
(TAKE 3)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. Unfortunately the man's mother chose to reconcile with Barabas.
Earlier this week blind New York Governor David Paterson made a public statement for his competitors in the upcoming gubernatorial race to step forward and state why they would be better than him. Unfortunately, David Paterson unknowingly made his statement standing in a Dairy Queen bathroom.
... :
It was announced today that a statue of Helen Keller will be put on display in a wing of the United States Capital. Said the family of Helen Keller, "*&%$$%##@@!"
Detroit Rock Shitty :
Last night the Minnesota Twins beat the Detroit Tigers in a one game playoff eliminating them from post season contention. That's right, 30 more people in Detroit are out of work.
Everything's Crazier in Texas :
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. The only difference between their journeys was Jesus didn't wear timberlands and make daily stops in Denny's bathrooms.
(TAKE 2)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. So, YES, Mel Gibson is still a little crazy.
(TAKE 3)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. Unfortunately the man's mother chose to reconcile with Barabas.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
HEADLINES
Bama Drama :
An Alabama woman was arrested this weekend after driving a van while her infant daughter was in a cardboard box tied to the roof. In the woman's defense, Alabama state law recognizes this child vehicular restraint method as the second most effective after duct taping them to the bumper.
Passed Gas :
Harvard University has rewarded a group of scientists for inventing a woman's bra which can be converted into a gas mask in the case of an emergency. So in the case of an emergency, expect to see men violently struggling to unhook their girlfriend's bras.
Fang Violence :
A woman in Florida was mauled by a pack of raccoons this weekend outside her home. Authorities say the woman was wearing colors which implied allegiance to the rival skunks.
The Splendid Splinter, splinters :
The frozen head of Boston Red Sox great and WWII hero Ted Williams was mutilated last week after an employee at the research lab where it's held attempted to remove a tuna can (which had frozen to the head) by swinging at it with a wrench. Said the employee, "I was hungry for tuna."
LINK OF THE DAY
An Alabama woman was arrested this weekend after driving a van while her infant daughter was in a cardboard box tied to the roof. In the woman's defense, Alabama state law recognizes this child vehicular restraint method as the second most effective after duct taping them to the bumper.
Passed Gas :
Harvard University has rewarded a group of scientists for inventing a woman's bra which can be converted into a gas mask in the case of an emergency. So in the case of an emergency, expect to see men violently struggling to unhook their girlfriend's bras.
Fang Violence :
A woman in Florida was mauled by a pack of raccoons this weekend outside her home. Authorities say the woman was wearing colors which implied allegiance to the rival skunks.
The Splendid Splinter, splinters :
The frozen head of Boston Red Sox great and WWII hero Ted Williams was mutilated last week after an employee at the research lab where it's held attempted to remove a tuna can (which had frozen to the head) by swinging at it with a wrench. Said the employee, "I was hungry for tuna."
LINK OF THE DAY
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
HEADLINES
Limp Pole-and :
The Polish government has announced a new law that men who are arrested more than once for committing acts of pedophilia will be chemically castrated, which will finally answer the age old question, "How many Pollocks does it take to chemically castrate a repeat pedophile?"
Cannabis-consin :
After being pulled over for speeding this weekend, a woman in Wisconsin swallowed a bag of marijuana to avoid getting caught with it. The woman was arrested and brought to the police station after a quick and much needed stop at KFC.
Hardest Part About Rollerblading? :
A 43 year old Connecticut man has been charged with assault after getting into a heated argument with a 4 year old on a tricycle who cut him off while he was rollerblading. Luckily for the man, rollerbladers from Connecticut who assault children are pretty well respected in prison.
Ladies Night :
A renowned female psychologist is releasing a book this week entitled "Why Women Have Sex." Spoiler Alert, the answer is money.
The Polish government has announced a new law that men who are arrested more than once for committing acts of pedophilia will be chemically castrated, which will finally answer the age old question, "How many Pollocks does it take to chemically castrate a repeat pedophile?"
Cannabis-consin :
After being pulled over for speeding this weekend, a woman in Wisconsin swallowed a bag of marijuana to avoid getting caught with it. The woman was arrested and brought to the police station after a quick and much needed stop at KFC.
Hardest Part About Rollerblading? :
A 43 year old Connecticut man has been charged with assault after getting into a heated argument with a 4 year old on a tricycle who cut him off while he was rollerblading. Luckily for the man, rollerbladers from Connecticut who assault children are pretty well respected in prison.
Ladies Night :
A renowned female psychologist is releasing a book this week entitled "Why Women Have Sex." Spoiler Alert, the answer is money.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
HEADLINES
Lone Stars & Stripes :
A school district in Texas has apologized after displaying a United States flag which only had 43 stars. The mistake was caught by the high school's seniors who just learned counting.
Midship(WO)men :
The United States Navy has announced plans to lift the long standing ban on women in submarines. The lifting of the ban is expected to result in an influx of seamen on submarines, as well as more females.
Party Foul :
A woman in Malaysia has been sentenced to a caning after she was caught by local authorities drinking a beer. Take note sorority girls; Spring Break 2010, Malaysia might have been a bad choice.
LSDeceased :
Lucy O'Donnell, an old classmate of Julian Lennon and the inspiration behind the Beatles classic "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," has passed away at the age of 47. Funeral details will be released in the local paper in case if anyone wants to tune in, turn on, or drop out.*
*This one made me very happy. I don't care if you don't like it.
A school district in Texas has apologized after displaying a United States flag which only had 43 stars. The mistake was caught by the high school's seniors who just learned counting.
Midship(WO)men :
The United States Navy has announced plans to lift the long standing ban on women in submarines. The lifting of the ban is expected to result in an influx of seamen on submarines, as well as more females.
Party Foul :
A woman in Malaysia has been sentenced to a caning after she was caught by local authorities drinking a beer. Take note sorority girls; Spring Break 2010, Malaysia might have been a bad choice.
LSDeceased :
Lucy O'Donnell, an old classmate of Julian Lennon and the inspiration behind the Beatles classic "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," has passed away at the age of 47. Funeral details will be released in the local paper in case if anyone wants to tune in, turn on, or drop out.*
*This one made me very happy. I don't care if you don't like it.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
HEADLINES
Ouch :
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a baby this week weighing 19 pounds and 2 ounces. Mother and child are happy and healthy. Vagina is sore and pretty much useless.
Crocodile Rock :
Italian police have confiscated a famous mob boss' pet crocodile which he used as an intimidation method to extort money. Looks like it's back to the more traditional intimidation method; pay me or I'll shoot you in the face.
Hooters & Cooters :
The new campaign to raise breast cancer awareness known as "Save the Boobs" has received an incredible amount of viral and mainstream exposure this week due to its display of large chested women in skimpy outfits. Having much less success is the new testicular cancer campaign, "Rescue the Nads."
Heir-y Anus :
A new 11 mile nature walk has been introduced in Germany made exclusively for nudists, because nothing says nature like a long walk, beautiful landscapes, and a stranger's taint all up in your face.
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a baby this week weighing 19 pounds and 2 ounces. Mother and child are happy and healthy. Vagina is sore and pretty much useless.
Crocodile Rock :
Italian police have confiscated a famous mob boss' pet crocodile which he used as an intimidation method to extort money. Looks like it's back to the more traditional intimidation method; pay me or I'll shoot you in the face.
Hooters & Cooters :
The new campaign to raise breast cancer awareness known as "Save the Boobs" has received an incredible amount of viral and mainstream exposure this week due to its display of large chested women in skimpy outfits. Having much less success is the new testicular cancer campaign, "Rescue the Nads."
Heir-y Anus :
A new 11 mile nature walk has been introduced in Germany made exclusively for nudists, because nothing says nature like a long walk, beautiful landscapes, and a stranger's taint all up in your face.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Barber Shop 3: Rise of the Machines :
A white police officer in Philadelphia has been disciplined and relegated to desk duty after showing up for work with his hair in cornrows. A similar penalty has been passed down for an Asian-American police officer who came to work with a bouffant.
To Serve & Protect (& Wii Bowl) :
Florida police officers have come under heat for playing Wii Bowling in the home of a drug dealer while they were raiding it. When asked why they would play Wii Bowling, one officer responded, "Because they didn't have Wii Tennis."
NY Fuax-st :
Environmentalists were handing out fake issues of the NY Post on Monday on the streets of New York. The fake issues featured big colorful pictures accompanied by brief, poorly written, extremely opinionated articles. There is still no word on which copies are the fakes.
In the Can :
New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress began his 2 year jail sentence yesterday for gun possession charges stemming from an incident last year. Plax will enter jail a tight end and ultimately exit a wide receiver.
LINK OF THE DAY
A white police officer in Philadelphia has been disciplined and relegated to desk duty after showing up for work with his hair in cornrows. A similar penalty has been passed down for an Asian-American police officer who came to work with a bouffant.
To Serve & Protect (& Wii Bowl) :
Florida police officers have come under heat for playing Wii Bowling in the home of a drug dealer while they were raiding it. When asked why they would play Wii Bowling, one officer responded, "Because they didn't have Wii Tennis."
NY Fuax-st :
Environmentalists were handing out fake issues of the NY Post on Monday on the streets of New York. The fake issues featured big colorful pictures accompanied by brief, poorly written, extremely opinionated articles. There is still no word on which copies are the fakes.
In the Can :
New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress began his 2 year jail sentence yesterday for gun possession charges stemming from an incident last year. Plax will enter jail a tight end and ultimately exit a wide receiver.
LINK OF THE DAY
Monday, September 21, 2009
HEADLINES
Armed and Saggy :
A 91 year old Florida man heard an intruder in his home on Saturday night and proceeded to hold the perpetrator at gunpoint until authorities arrived, all while in the nude. The elderly gentleman's plans were nearly foiled when he tripped over his testicles.
Here Comes a Train :
A 19 year old Ohio woman who had cheated on her boyfriend tried to reconcile by wearing a sign on a public street that said "I Cheated on My Boyfriend." While there's no word yet on how her boyfriend reacted, there is a 2 block long line of men willing to forgive her.
Area O'Codes :
Ireland has announced that they will introduce zip codes next year to aid the progress of Irish correspondence. If this rate continues, Ireland will have fax machines by 2055.
What's Wrong with Grandpa?... Why is He Peeing on Me? :
A scientific researcher has found that Alzheimer's cases in the United States are increasing at a frightening rate. The scientist went on to say, "Who are you and where's my rocket ship?"
A 91 year old Florida man heard an intruder in his home on Saturday night and proceeded to hold the perpetrator at gunpoint until authorities arrived, all while in the nude. The elderly gentleman's plans were nearly foiled when he tripped over his testicles.
Here Comes a Train :
A 19 year old Ohio woman who had cheated on her boyfriend tried to reconcile by wearing a sign on a public street that said "I Cheated on My Boyfriend." While there's no word yet on how her boyfriend reacted, there is a 2 block long line of men willing to forgive her.
Area O'Codes :
Ireland has announced that they will introduce zip codes next year to aid the progress of Irish correspondence. If this rate continues, Ireland will have fax machines by 2055.
What's Wrong with Grandpa?... Why is He Peeing on Me? :
A scientific researcher has found that Alzheimer's cases in the United States are increasing at a frightening rate. The scientist went on to say, "Who are you and where's my rocket ship?"
Thursday, September 17, 2009
HEADLINES
Drunk, Nude, and EXTREME is the Way to Live :
A Florida man was pulled over by police last night for driving his motorcycle naked and well over the legal limit. Said the Florida man, "I didn't remember my toilet moving so fast."
Teacher of the Year :
A female teacher in Illinois invited two teenage students to her home to assist her in household chores, and proceeded to pay them with alcohol, marijuana, and a bevy of prescription drugs. While the woman is expected to go to jail, her end of the year teacher evaluations are expected to rank off the charts.
PITT Stop :
The city of Pittsburgh has passed a new law which will make public urination an offense which warrants a fine of at least $500; so if you plan on peeing on the streets of Pittsburgh, it better be behind the cover of a Steel Curtain. (Stupidest joke in blog history!!!)
Hold the Malayo :
A 107 year old Malaysian woman is afraid that her recent marriage to a 37 year old Malaysian man, might not work out. In related news, a 37 year old Malaysian man just won the funniest bet ever.
Link of the Day
A Florida man was pulled over by police last night for driving his motorcycle naked and well over the legal limit. Said the Florida man, "I didn't remember my toilet moving so fast."
Teacher of the Year :
A female teacher in Illinois invited two teenage students to her home to assist her in household chores, and proceeded to pay them with alcohol, marijuana, and a bevy of prescription drugs. While the woman is expected to go to jail, her end of the year teacher evaluations are expected to rank off the charts.
PITT Stop :
The city of Pittsburgh has passed a new law which will make public urination an offense which warrants a fine of at least $500; so if you plan on peeing on the streets of Pittsburgh, it better be behind the cover of a Steel Curtain. (Stupidest joke in blog history!!!)
Hold the Malayo :
A 107 year old Malaysian woman is afraid that her recent marriage to a 37 year old Malaysian man, might not work out. In related news, a 37 year old Malaysian man just won the funniest bet ever.
Link of the Day
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
HEADLINES
Love Is a Well Placed Dumpster :
A Kansas couple who were engaging in sexual intercourse in a dumpster were held up and robbed at knife point earlier this week. You heard it here, getting robbed at knife point, about the 50th reason you shouldn't be having sex in a dumpster.
Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Couch" :
An Ohio man discovered this week that a couch he had acquired from a Goodwill store had a living kitten lodged between the cushions. Apparently the salesman was being quite literal when he guaranteed the couch would lead to him getting pussy.
Obamye West :
During an off the record portion of an interview yesterday President Barack Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Video Music Awards. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter all had a different, yet similar reaction to the controversy, "What's a Kanye West?"
The Last Samurai :
A Johns Hopkins student confronted a would be robber in his off campus apartment last night and killed the man with a Samurai sword. When authorities asked the student what he was doing with a Samurai sword, he explained it's simply a loner while his Gattling gun is in the shop.
A Kansas couple who were engaging in sexual intercourse in a dumpster were held up and robbed at knife point earlier this week. You heard it here, getting robbed at knife point, about the 50th reason you shouldn't be having sex in a dumpster.
Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Couch" :
An Ohio man discovered this week that a couch he had acquired from a Goodwill store had a living kitten lodged between the cushions. Apparently the salesman was being quite literal when he guaranteed the couch would lead to him getting pussy.
Obamye West :
During an off the record portion of an interview yesterday President Barack Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Video Music Awards. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter all had a different, yet similar reaction to the controversy, "What's a Kanye West?"
The Last Samurai :
A Johns Hopkins student confronted a would be robber in his off campus apartment last night and killed the man with a Samurai sword. When authorities asked the student what he was doing with a Samurai sword, he explained it's simply a loner while his Gattling gun is in the shop.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
HEADLINES
Bama Gramma' :
An 11 year old Alabama boy faked his own abduction last Friday because he didn't want to go home and show his sub-par report card to his parents. Fortunately the boy showed up safe and sound and his parents did not punish him, because they can't read.
Finger Lickin' Good :
Members of the animal rights group PETA are attempting to buy a recently abandoned jail in Virginia and turn it into a museum dedicated to chickens. It seems like a natural fit, considering the building has never been a stranger to cocks.
Handled It Like Manure Adults :
A fight between two neighbors in Michigan over stolen manure ended when one man retreated to his house for a shotgun and pointed it at his neighbor's head. According to authorities, the victim produced his own manure.
El Futbol :
The New York Jets beat the Houston Texans on Sunday with Mexican-American rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez at the helm. Not only did Sanchez put up great numbers and show great maturity, but he did it all for $2.85 an hour.
An 11 year old Alabama boy faked his own abduction last Friday because he didn't want to go home and show his sub-par report card to his parents. Fortunately the boy showed up safe and sound and his parents did not punish him, because they can't read.
Finger Lickin' Good :
Members of the animal rights group PETA are attempting to buy a recently abandoned jail in Virginia and turn it into a museum dedicated to chickens. It seems like a natural fit, considering the building has never been a stranger to cocks.
Handled It Like Manure Adults :
A fight between two neighbors in Michigan over stolen manure ended when one man retreated to his house for a shotgun and pointed it at his neighbor's head. According to authorities, the victim produced his own manure.
El Futbol :
The New York Jets beat the Houston Texans on Sunday with Mexican-American rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez at the helm. Not only did Sanchez put up great numbers and show great maturity, but he did it all for $2.85 an hour.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
HEADLINES
The King's English, yo' :
George W. Bush was ranked atop a British survey of the biggest manglers of the English language this past week. Bush responded by saying, "I'm no Bill Shakespeare, but I speak English gooder than more others."
Ricardo Ver-Mont-elban :
Four youths were arrested this past weekend in Vermont for attempting to steal a giant novelty Chili off the top of a Chili's restaurant at 4 in the morning. The youths will be charged with attempted larceny and smoking incredible pot.
I'm With Stupid :
A judge in Ohio has sentenced a shoplifter to perform court ordered community service while wearing a neon green shirt that says, "I AM A THIEF." While passing down the judgment, the judge was wearing a neon green t-shirt that said, "I AM NOT A GOOD JUDGE."
Happiness is a Warm Guitar Hero Controller :
The Beatles Rock Band video game will be released globally today after the announcement of its inception nearly a year ago. If you play the game in career mode, it ends with an avatar of a small Asian woman breaking up the band.
George W. Bush was ranked atop a British survey of the biggest manglers of the English language this past week. Bush responded by saying, "I'm no Bill Shakespeare, but I speak English gooder than more others."
Ricardo Ver-Mont-elban :
Four youths were arrested this past weekend in Vermont for attempting to steal a giant novelty Chili off the top of a Chili's restaurant at 4 in the morning. The youths will be charged with attempted larceny and smoking incredible pot.
I'm With Stupid :
A judge in Ohio has sentenced a shoplifter to perform court ordered community service while wearing a neon green shirt that says, "I AM A THIEF." While passing down the judgment, the judge was wearing a neon green t-shirt that said, "I AM NOT A GOOD JUDGE."
Happiness is a Warm Guitar Hero Controller :
The Beatles Rock Band video game will be released globally today after the announcement of its inception nearly a year ago. If you play the game in career mode, it ends with an avatar of a small Asian woman breaking up the band.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
HEADLINES
Shot Heard Round the Wawa :
A Pennsylvania Civil War collector accidentally fired a 150 year old antique cannon through his neighbor's home last weekend. His neighbor, a Crusades collector, countered with a trebuchet attack.
The McVerdict is McIn :
McDonald's lost its lawsuit last week against the Thai fast food establishment McCurry's over the use of the prefix "Mc." The real loser, however, Thai people's aortic valves.
Gettin' Schooled :
Barack Obama will address the nation's youth today on the importance of education and on his belief that American students should seek to accomplish higher education goals, because someone needs to pay off the debt he created.
Young Blood :
Protesters in the UK are up in arms over an advertising campaign for a clothing line which is using partially nude photos of a 23 year old model who appears to be closer to 14 in age. The brains behind the campaign said he will gladly meet with the protesters as long as its not within 100 yards of a middle school.
A Pennsylvania Civil War collector accidentally fired a 150 year old antique cannon through his neighbor's home last weekend. His neighbor, a Crusades collector, countered with a trebuchet attack.
The McVerdict is McIn :
McDonald's lost its lawsuit last week against the Thai fast food establishment McCurry's over the use of the prefix "Mc." The real loser, however, Thai people's aortic valves.
Gettin' Schooled :
Barack Obama will address the nation's youth today on the importance of education and on his belief that American students should seek to accomplish higher education goals, because someone needs to pay off the debt he created.
Young Blood :
Protesters in the UK are up in arms over an advertising campaign for a clothing line which is using partially nude photos of a 23 year old model who appears to be closer to 14 in age. The brains behind the campaign said he will gladly meet with the protesters as long as its not within 100 yards of a middle school.
Friday, September 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Hungry on Arrival :
An unidentified person in Florida was arrested yesterday after calling 911 twice to report that they were hungry and wanted food. In related news Rosie O'Donnell has posted bail in a Florida jail.
D'oy Vey Hard :
The New York Post reported this morning that certain synagogues throughout New York City are preparing for possible terrorist attacks during the upcoming high holidays by training their congregation in hand to hand combat. Some have gone so far as to replace their yamakas with throwing stars.
The Thigh of the Beholder :
Dutch scientists have conducted a study which shows that women with thin thighs do not live as long as women with more girth to their thighs. If their numbers are correct, Lindsay Lohan died yesterday.
Spot of Teeth :
Reuters has reported that during these hard economic times, many people in England who have been laid off have begun taking trade courses in everything from bee-keeping to the widely popular butchery. Still no one has stepped up and become a dentist.
An unidentified person in Florida was arrested yesterday after calling 911 twice to report that they were hungry and wanted food. In related news Rosie O'Donnell has posted bail in a Florida jail.
D'oy Vey Hard :
The New York Post reported this morning that certain synagogues throughout New York City are preparing for possible terrorist attacks during the upcoming high holidays by training their congregation in hand to hand combat. Some have gone so far as to replace their yamakas with throwing stars.
The Thigh of the Beholder :
Dutch scientists have conducted a study which shows that women with thin thighs do not live as long as women with more girth to their thighs. If their numbers are correct, Lindsay Lohan died yesterday.
Spot of Teeth :
Reuters has reported that during these hard economic times, many people in England who have been laid off have begun taking trade courses in everything from bee-keeping to the widely popular butchery. Still no one has stepped up and become a dentist.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Driving While Pre-Pubescent :
Authorities in Nebraska pulled over a suspected drunk driver last night only to find that the inebriated driver in question was a 12 year old boy who was well over the legal limit for an adult. In the boy's defense he was just laid off, his wife left him, and he got a C on a spelling test.
The Great In-scape :
An ex-convict in Florida was arrested this past weekend for attempting to break back into the penitentiary where he was previously incarcerated. Initial reports suspect that the man was simply attempting to partake in a booty call with a past acquaintance.
Next Stop, Neverland :
A politician in Brooklyn is fighting to turn a specific subway stop into a memorial for the late Michael Jackson. The subway stop in question is seedy and no place where you'd trust a child alone, so basically all it's missing is a commemorative plaque.
Justice is Blind (and Stupid) :
Shamed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced plans to give a lecture series at the City College of New York on the topic of Political Science. Governor David Paterson tried to stop by and offer his words of wisdom to the class, but unfortunately he was simply speaking very loudly in a White Castle.
Authorities in Nebraska pulled over a suspected drunk driver last night only to find that the inebriated driver in question was a 12 year old boy who was well over the legal limit for an adult. In the boy's defense he was just laid off, his wife left him, and he got a C on a spelling test.
The Great In-scape :
An ex-convict in Florida was arrested this past weekend for attempting to break back into the penitentiary where he was previously incarcerated. Initial reports suspect that the man was simply attempting to partake in a booty call with a past acquaintance.
Next Stop, Neverland :
A politician in Brooklyn is fighting to turn a specific subway stop into a memorial for the late Michael Jackson. The subway stop in question is seedy and no place where you'd trust a child alone, so basically all it's missing is a commemorative plaque.
Justice is Blind (and Stupid) :
Shamed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced plans to give a lecture series at the City College of New York on the topic of Political Science. Governor David Paterson tried to stop by and offer his words of wisdom to the class, but unfortunately he was simply speaking very loudly in a White Castle.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
HEADLINES
The Dow "Pacman" Jones :
The Wall Street Journal released a survey yesterday which found Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan to be the most handsome starting quarterback in the NFL. Ironically US Weekly reported that the NASDAQ closed the day up 3 points and mortgage bankers are urging an overhaul of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Holy Wedgie :
A German couple recently named their child "Djehad" which is German for the Arabic "Jihad" meaning Holy War. In middle school he will undoubtedly be called "Arschloch" which is German for the Arabic "Koos Emek" meaning Asshole.
Yankee Clipper-berg :
The Yankees/Red Sox game scheduled for September 27th was changed from a day game to a night game earlier in the week only to be changed back after complaints that the game interfered with the start of the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Jewish members of either team could not be reached for comment because they don't exist.
Without a Paddle :
Chinese ping pong player, Wang Hoa, widely considered the best ping pong player in the world has been allowed to have a girlfriend after a government ban forbidding him from having one has been lifted. That's right, Wang Hoa is now allowed a Hoa to handle his Wang.
The Wall Street Journal released a survey yesterday which found Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan to be the most handsome starting quarterback in the NFL. Ironically US Weekly reported that the NASDAQ closed the day up 3 points and mortgage bankers are urging an overhaul of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Holy Wedgie :
A German couple recently named their child "Djehad" which is German for the Arabic "Jihad" meaning Holy War. In middle school he will undoubtedly be called "Arschloch" which is German for the Arabic "Koos Emek" meaning Asshole.
Yankee Clipper-berg :
The Yankees/Red Sox game scheduled for September 27th was changed from a day game to a night game earlier in the week only to be changed back after complaints that the game interfered with the start of the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Jewish members of either team could not be reached for comment because they don't exist.
Without a Paddle :
Chinese ping pong player, Wang Hoa, widely considered the best ping pong player in the world has been allowed to have a girlfriend after a government ban forbidding him from having one has been lifted. That's right, Wang Hoa is now allowed a Hoa to handle his Wang.
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