HEADLINES

Keep the Change You Filthy Animal :
A man in Ohio left a $72 tip at a Taco Bell this weekend for a .99 cent taco, simply saying "Merry Christmas." The man left an even bigger tip an hour later when buying $30 worth of toilet paper.

Biker Wangs :
Protesters who had planned on riding their bikes naked through Manhattan on Saturday to protest the closing of bike lanes, cancelled their plans due to over a foot of snow and temperatures in the 10s. It was initially reported that three female die-hards still made it out, but upon closer inspection, they were just very cold males.

For a Better Day's Trip :
Vick's Dayquil has recalled 700,000 bottles which accidentally were shipped to stores without child proof caps. "What Vick's Dayquil?" asked 700,000 11 year olds, tripping balls.

Blue Me :
The big winner at the box office this weekend was James Cameron's highly anticipated Sci-Fi adventure, Avatar. The big loser at the box office, was Michael, the 37 year old, obese, virgin who showed up in a costume.