HEADLINES

Snow White Collar Crime :

Several top figures in the Disney organization were arrested today on charges of insider trading. While there's still speculation regarding their identities, Mickey Mouse was recorded at a share holders meeting last week, saying "Greed is Good, haha!"

Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em :

Many people are shocked and appalled after footage surfaced of a 2 year old Indonesian boy who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day. The boy's father assured everyone that it's not that big of a deal, and that his son only smokes after sex.*

Truffle Shuffle :

The Style Network has announced a new show called Too Fat For 15 - a weight loss show which follows the struggles of obese teens. Many of the contestants are sick and tired of schoolmates mocking them - luckily this show will open a big window, to have the entire country mock them.

What's in a Name? :

A long term study found that a person's name has a large effect on every part of their life including education, employment, and social status. "I don't believe it," said Fuckface McGangbang.

*Submitted by the old man

HEADLINES

Stiff Upper Lip :
Authorities in Colorado had an easy time this week finding a house burglar due to a very identifiable tattoo he had above his upper lip. The man will likely serve jail time, where fellow inmates will most certainly take him up on that "Mustache Ride".

Brack or White :
A 4 year old boy from China has risen to internet fame after footage surfaced of his extremely convincing Michael Jackson impersonation. He dances like Jackson, sings like Jackson, and manhandles his 4 year old groin like Jackson.

Venus, Uranus is Showing :
Spectators at the French Open are up in arms about the vulgar display of skin by female tennis star Venus Williams. Ms. Williams has apologized, and will where a brown paper bag over her head for the rest of the tournament.

It's a Man's World :
A West Virginia man burnt his own house down this week after arriving home from work to find that his wife hadn't prepared his dinner. The heinous, senseless maniac was detained, booked, and from now on will certainly have dinner ready.

HEADLINES

Canadian Baby Tuxedo :
Huggies has announced the release of a new denim diaper for babies – talk about a sure fire way to get people talking around the trailer park.

The Rhode Less Traveled :
The Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and his brother, who is an ex-con, opened a deli last week called Federal Wrap. “I smell a sitcom,” murmured Stephen and Daniel Baldwin.

A Bronx Tail :
Three newborn lion cubs in the Bronx Zoo have officially been given names submitted by readers of the New York Daily News – so welcome to the world, FU David Paterson, Derek Jeter, and Hey Ma’ They Chose Tony!

Chapped Chap :
A 13 year old boy from California broke a world record last week by becoming the youngest person to ever scale Mount Everest. He broke another record by going longer than any other 13 year old without being caught masturbating.

HEADLINES

Read Between the Lines :
A recent report found that the reading skills amongst urban 8th graders in the United States are the worst that they have ever been. When asked his take on the findings, one 8th grader responded, "How am I supposed to know without any pictures?"

Immortal Kombat :
Arakawa, a 73 year old architect and artist from Japan who claimed to be immortal, died today at 73. He is survived by many red-faced relatives.

This Just-In :
Teen idol Justin Beiber attempted to shed his clean cut image this week by getting a bird tattoo on his hip. When asked why he decided to get it on his hip, Beiber replied "Because there wasn't enough room on my vagina."

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! :
A group of concerned citizens in a Pennsylvania community are up in arms concerning the recent issuing of citations for public swearing, which they find unconstitutional. The staunch judge told them they can all go fuck themselves.

HEADLINES

The Reds Like the Green :
A recent survey found that 50% of Russians find bribery to be a legitimate political practice. The other 50% disagreed, but could be persuaded otherwise.

JukeBox Zero :
A stabbing at a bar in North Dakota this weekend was reportedly the result of a fight over the jukebox. One man is greatly injured and the other will likely serve jail time - though the real loser was the man next in line with 2 dollars and a hankering to hear Fine Young Cannibals.

A Pirate's Strife for Me :
A Somali man pleaded guilty in a New York courtroom yesterday to hijacking an American ship last year and partaking in pirate activities. The man is looking at serious jail time, while his parrot was able to smooth talk his way to an immunity agreement.

Where Does Depression Hurt? :
The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced plans to layoff as many as 6,000 employees worldwide. They warned that these sudden and unexpected layoffs could lead to fatigue, nausea, headaches, and erections lasting up to 3 hours.

HEADLINES

Little Blue Pill, Big Red Rocket :
A dog in New York City with a rare heart condition is responding positively to large doses of the erectile dysfunction pill Viagra. The dog is doing great – the same cannot be said for six people’s legs and a throw pillow.

Brain Damage :
An in depth scientific study has determined that there is no connection between excessive cell phone use and brain cancer. The study did, however, uncover a correlation between excessive cell phone use and being a huge asshole.

Roman’s Got a Woody :
Famed film director Woody Allen has come out to support fellow director Roman Polanski who admittedly partook in the statutory rape of a 12 year old girl decades ago – and when it comes to issues of sexual morality, who better to have in your corner than a 70 year old man who married his adopted, Korean teenage daughter.

She Looks a Little Fatwa :
Miss Michigan Rima Fakih, became Miss America last night, becoming the first ever Arab to hold the title. Fakih also set a record by becoming the first ever contestant to partake in the swimsuit competition in a black sheet and head scarf.

HEADLINES

Balls-Eye :
A Colorado man has been charged with illegally discharging a firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the crotch last week. The man was planning on appealing the charges, but he didn't have the balls.*

Catcher in the Rhino :
It took authorities and zookeepers in Florida 5 hours this week to track down and capture a 4,000 pound rhinoceros which escaped from its cage. They finally found the animal attempting to board a plane to Brazil in a bowler hat and fake moustache.

Captain Porn-Io :
Playboy Magazine has announced the release of an issue with a 3D centerfold - so for all those guys who thought there was nothing more embarrassing than your mom catching you masturbating - throw a pair of 3D glasses into the mix.

The Supremes :
If President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is approved, every Supreme Court Justice will have gone to either Harvard or Yale. "We'll get 'em next time," said Teddy Phelps, DeVry '92.

*Submitted by my Dad.

HEADLINES

Face the Music :

A 34 year old Spanish man became the first person in the world to successfully receive a face transplant this week, using the face of another person. When asked what he planned on accomplishing next, he replied, "Break into Alcatraz with Sean Connery."

Greece Frightenin' :

The world economy has taken a hit this week after the Greek government declared bankruptcy due to a vastly growing deficit and other financial woes. This is what happens when your national economy is centered around 24 hour diners.

Granny Panties Redux :
A recent study has found that women in their 60s and 70s are buying sexy lingerie in record numbers. The lingerie really loses something however, when worn over an adult diaper.

I've Got You, Penis :

Today the former Chastity Bono officially became legally recognized as a man following gender reassignment surgery. Mr. Bono is now officially known as "Chaz" though he'll probably be better known as "Sonny and Cher's fat daughter who had a dick glued to her."

HEADLINES

Sweep the Leg :
A Massachusetts woman born with no arms is set to overcome incredible odds and earn her black belt in Tae Kwon Do this week – still no word on how she intends to tie the belt.

Baloncesto Associacion National :
To honor their Mexican-American fan base, and make a political statement against the state’s new immigration laws, the Phoenix Suns wore jerseys with the name “Los Suns” in their playoff game against the San Antonio Spurs last night. The Spurs took it a step further, by sporting backpack blowers and sleeping in a small area of shade during the second half.

100 is the New 85 :
A recent survey of Americans over the age of 100 found that a common factor they credit for longer life is staying up to date with popular culture and changing technology – though most people surveyed were listening to Lou Bega on cassette tape.

What’s in a Name :
Today, a man named Goodluck Jonathan will be sworn in as the new president of the African nation of Nigeria. It was a hard fought campaign, and in the end he just flat out beat his competitor Shitty-Day William.

HEADLINES

Betty Droop :
Veteran television actress Betty White joked on NBC's Today Show this morning that in her upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, she is willing to do anything for a laugh except for nudity - so if you want to see Betty nude, just look at the sleeve of a 50 year old leather jacket which has sustained serious water damage.

Time Scare :
The NYPD along with government officials are seeking a Pakistani man who is suspected of parking an SUV equipped with a explosives in Time Square this weekend. Bystanders immediately became suspicious when they noticed a Pakistani man who wasn't driving a cab.

Request Denied :
A middle school principal in Ridgewood, New Jersey is urging the parents of his students to close down their child's Facebook accounts and keep them away from the social network until they are 18. The principal's plea took an ugly turn, when a group of students waited for him in the parking lot and super poked him.

Not So Corky :
A survey of New York City charter schools has shown that their accommodations for special needs students is amongst the worst in the United States. Said one school representative, "By this time next year our cages will be twice as roomy."