HEADLINES

Governing Hot Bodies :
Governor Charlie Crist of Florida has apologized for accidentally forwarding calls from uninsured parents to a phone sex line instead of a state sponsored toll-free number. The glitch has been corrected, but the parents are still going to be screwed.

Cock Flight :
A man from Guatemala was arrested at Dulles Airport this weekend for attempting to bring $4,000 worth of cocaine into the US, hidden in a cooked chicken. Authorities became suspicious when the cooked chicken escaped from a bag and ran in circles for 14 hours.

Monkey See, Monkey Upload :
Nonja, an orangutan in an Austrian zoo, has become a Facebook sensation due to her ability to take pictures, which are then uploaded onto her Facebook page. One person who's not amused is Be-Bop, the tweeting rhino.

The Wonderful Thing About Tigers :
The newest woman to come forward and claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods is an adult film actress. Needless to say, Tiger had no trouble on that hole.