HEADLINES

The Honeymoon is Over :
The country of Malaysia is offering free honeymoons to newly married couples to help increase its tourism. The free honeymoons will include beautiful sand beaches, free drinks, live entertainment, and a public caning for women who partake in these activities.

The Maine Event :
A man from Maine won the annual North American Wife Carrying Competition by carrying his wife 300 yards in just over 54 seconds. Coming in dead last, was Gilbert Grape's father. (How outdated).

Detroit Cock City :
A liquor store in Detroit has been shut down after it was discovered that the owner was giving out Viagra and pornography in exchange for food stamps. Authorities became suspicious when store patrons constantly walked out bow-legged.

The Prance on Washington :
Thousands of gay, lesbian, and transgender Americans marched on Washington, DC this weekend as a sign of solidarity in the fight for the Civil Rights of the homosexual community. The march was much like that of the African Americans over 50 years ago, but with much more assless chaps.