What's Your Emergency, Slugger? :
Yesterday a 3 year old in New Jersey was called a hero for calling 9-1-1 after his grandmother had a diabetic seizure. Two hours later the boy was called a menace when he called 9-1-1 and ordered three pizzas.
Mi Amore It :
The fast food chain McDonald's has announced that they will begin selling a "McItaly Burger" at its Italian locations which features mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce. The announcement couldn't come at a better time as Italians are really getting fed up with the lines at the Olive Garden.
New Jersey Nots :
The New Jersey Nets beat the Los Angeles Clippers yesterday to improve their season record to 4-40 and moving them just two games away from contention for the Special Olympics.
That's One Handsome Penis :
7'1 Portland Trailblazer player Greg Oden is in hot water for taking a picture of his penis and putting it on the Internet. Oden initially tried to play down the incident by claiming that it in fact wasn't his penis but rather a Haitian orphan he adopted.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
HEADLINES
Extra Cheese :
A woman was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday with 54 pounds of cocaine. When questioned by authorities the woman fled on foot, but was detained 12 minutes later in St. Louis.
Change? :
Tonight President Obama will deliver his first State of the Union address. It is speculated that Obama will pull the "I never said 'Positive Change'," card.
Drugstore O'Cowboy :
A man in Oregon attempted to rob a drugstore earlier this week in search of oxycontin, but instead stole all prescriptions that were ready for pickup for customers with last names starting in "O." Not all was lost, as old man O'Reilly had some mad Flomax.
Edwards Porno Hands :
A aid to former Senator John Edwards has hinted that there is a sex tape featuring him and his mistress Rielle Hunter. While there is never a closeup of Edwards' face, you can tell it's him because his crotch has a $1,000 bouffant.
A woman was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday with 54 pounds of cocaine. When questioned by authorities the woman fled on foot, but was detained 12 minutes later in St. Louis.
Change? :
Tonight President Obama will deliver his first State of the Union address. It is speculated that Obama will pull the "I never said 'Positive Change'," card.
Drugstore O'Cowboy :
A man in Oregon attempted to rob a drugstore earlier this week in search of oxycontin, but instead stole all prescriptions that were ready for pickup for customers with last names starting in "O." Not all was lost, as old man O'Reilly had some mad Flomax.
Edwards Porno Hands :
A aid to former Senator John Edwards has hinted that there is a sex tape featuring him and his mistress Rielle Hunter. While there is never a closeup of Edwards' face, you can tell it's him because his crotch has a $1,000 bouffant.
Monday, January 25, 2010
HEADLINES
Isn't it Ironic... Don't You Think? :
This weekend in Florida, authorities arrested a man wanted for stealing a car, while he was at home playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." In related news, a man wanted to for taking mushrooms and jumping on people's heads was found playing "Super Mario Brothers."
Gordon Gecko :
A small impoverished village in Indonesia has begun making money by selling a rare form of gecko, indigenous to their village. It's assumed that most buyers are looking to save money on their car insurance.
James "Money Bags" Cameron :
It is expected that by the end of the week, James Cameron's Sci-Fi adventure Avatar will make $1.85 billion worldwide passing James Cameron's last film Titanic, as the highest grossing movie of all time. When reached for comment, Cameron was busy wiping his ass with a $1,000 bill.
Mr. & Mrs. Split :
Internet rumors are circulating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have both hired divorce attorneys to work out a separation agreement. Lucky for them, three of their six children came with a lenient five year return policy.
This weekend in Florida, authorities arrested a man wanted for stealing a car, while he was at home playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." In related news, a man wanted to for taking mushrooms and jumping on people's heads was found playing "Super Mario Brothers."
Gordon Gecko :
A small impoverished village in Indonesia has begun making money by selling a rare form of gecko, indigenous to their village. It's assumed that most buyers are looking to save money on their car insurance.
James "Money Bags" Cameron :
It is expected that by the end of the week, James Cameron's Sci-Fi adventure Avatar will make $1.85 billion worldwide passing James Cameron's last film Titanic, as the highest grossing movie of all time. When reached for comment, Cameron was busy wiping his ass with a $1,000 bill.
Mr. & Mrs. Split :
Internet rumors are circulating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have both hired divorce attorneys to work out a separation agreement. Lucky for them, three of their six children came with a lenient five year return policy.
Friday, January 22, 2010
HEADLINES
"It's Complicated with John Edwards" :
Just one day after admitting that he fathered a child with his aid Rielle Hunter, former Senator John Edward's wife Elizabeth, suspended her personal Facebook account. Now Elizabeth isn't getting poked by strangers or her husband.
Original Rex's of New York :
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has refused to wash a pizza stain out of the sweatshirt he wears to Jets practices, because he thinks it may the the reason behind the Jets success. If it's not that, it might be the jelly donut, ice cream, Big Mac, apple pie, or General Tso's stain.
Brittany Murphy's Law :
On the Today Show yesterday the late Brittany Murphy's mother and husband said that Hollywood was to blame for the actress's death several weeks ago. Hollywood is assumed to be the name of Brittany's heroin dealer.
Shore was Nice :
MTV's hit series Jersey Shore aired its heart wrenching finale last night in which the cast member's had to say goodbye. It's now back to real life, where they need to get drunk, dance to techno music, go tanning, fist fight, and speak in poor English.
Just one day after admitting that he fathered a child with his aid Rielle Hunter, former Senator John Edward's wife Elizabeth, suspended her personal Facebook account. Now Elizabeth isn't getting poked by strangers or her husband.
Original Rex's of New York :
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has refused to wash a pizza stain out of the sweatshirt he wears to Jets practices, because he thinks it may the the reason behind the Jets success. If it's not that, it might be the jelly donut, ice cream, Big Mac, apple pie, or General Tso's stain.
Brittany Murphy's Law :
On the Today Show yesterday the late Brittany Murphy's mother and husband said that Hollywood was to blame for the actress's death several weeks ago. Hollywood is assumed to be the name of Brittany's heroin dealer.
Shore was Nice :
MTV's hit series Jersey Shore aired its heart wrenching finale last night in which the cast member's had to say goodbye. It's now back to real life, where they need to get drunk, dance to techno music, go tanning, fist fight, and speak in poor English.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
HEADLINES
Fire in the Hole! :
10 boys in Germany were hospitalized this week after eating a Chili sauce 200 times hotter than normal Chili sauce. The boys are expected to return to the hospital later in the week, when the Chili sauce makes its way out.
Bravo , Johnny :
Former Senator John Edwards has admitted that the child of his former aid Rielle Hunter, is in fact his after months of speculation. There were rumors that Edwards was sending the child up to $20,000 a month, plus additional money not intended for haircuts.
That's My Snooki :
Jersey Shore cast member Snooki admitted this week that in her formative years she struggled with an eating disorder and at one point weighed only 90 pounds. She has since gained a healthy amount of weight, though mostly in hair extensions, spray tan, fake gold jewelry, and "gin and tonic weight".
"The Golden (Shower) Boy" :
Former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is set to appear in a 60 second Super Bowl commercial alongside his mother - in what is sure to be the oddest Levitra commercial to date.
10 boys in Germany were hospitalized this week after eating a Chili sauce 200 times hotter than normal Chili sauce. The boys are expected to return to the hospital later in the week, when the Chili sauce makes its way out.
Bravo , Johnny :
Former Senator John Edwards has admitted that the child of his former aid Rielle Hunter, is in fact his after months of speculation. There were rumors that Edwards was sending the child up to $20,000 a month, plus additional money not intended for haircuts.
That's My Snooki :
Jersey Shore cast member Snooki admitted this week that in her formative years she struggled with an eating disorder and at one point weighed only 90 pounds. She has since gained a healthy amount of weight, though mostly in hair extensions, spray tan, fake gold jewelry, and "gin and tonic weight".
"The Golden (Shower) Boy" :
Former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is set to appear in a 60 second Super Bowl commercial alongside his mother - in what is sure to be the oddest Levitra commercial to date.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
HEADLINES
Tricks Aren't For Kids :
In an attempt to class up it's legalized prostitution sector, the Dutch government is seeking to enforce new laws which would prohibit brothels from opening before noon and mandate that call girls be at least 23. "Boy this is classy!" proclaimed one tourist tripping on peyoti, while banging a 23 year old hooker at 12:05 pm.
No Sleep till 7 PM in Brooklyn :
In Brooklyn yesterday a 99 year old man got into a physical altercation with an 83 year old man over a parking space. The 99 year old had the upper hand until he tripped over his testicles and the 83 year old capitalized.
The Cuban Man-Missile Removal Crisis :
Only a couple years after being illegal, the Cuban government is now sponsoring state sanctioned sexual reassignment surgeries for those who seek them. In unrelated news, it's been a while since the world has heard from Fidel Castro, but his newly discovered sister Fiona Castro is filling in nicely.
From Blue to Brown State :
In a special election yesterday in Massachusetts, Republican Scott Brown shocked the nation by winning in the historically Democratic state, especially following heavy backlash for a nude pictorial in Cosmopolitan Magazine 20 years ago. In his defense, the Bay State loved Ted Kennedy's spread eagle pictorial on Mature Fatty Lovers dot com.
In an attempt to class up it's legalized prostitution sector, the Dutch government is seeking to enforce new laws which would prohibit brothels from opening before noon and mandate that call girls be at least 23. "Boy this is classy!" proclaimed one tourist tripping on peyoti, while banging a 23 year old hooker at 12:05 pm.
No Sleep till 7 PM in Brooklyn :
In Brooklyn yesterday a 99 year old man got into a physical altercation with an 83 year old man over a parking space. The 99 year old had the upper hand until he tripped over his testicles and the 83 year old capitalized.
The Cuban Man-Missile Removal Crisis :
Only a couple years after being illegal, the Cuban government is now sponsoring state sanctioned sexual reassignment surgeries for those who seek them. In unrelated news, it's been a while since the world has heard from Fidel Castro, but his newly discovered sister Fiona Castro is filling in nicely.
From Blue to Brown State :
In a special election yesterday in Massachusetts, Republican Scott Brown shocked the nation by winning in the historically Democratic state, especially following heavy backlash for a nude pictorial in Cosmopolitan Magazine 20 years ago. In his defense, the Bay State loved Ted Kennedy's spread eagle pictorial on Mature Fatty Lovers dot com.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
HEADLINES
Why Clef? :
Haitian born musician Wyclef Jean addressed rumors yesterday that the proceeds of his charity Yele Haiti are being misused. Said Wyclef, "Just cause I take your dough, dough - It don't me me a thief no..."
The "Garden Under Your Bed" State :
In his last day as New Jersey Governor, Jon Corzine signed a bill legalizing the sale and use of medical marijuana. Corzine then suspiciously walked into a screening of Avatar with sunglasses on carrying three bags of food from Sonic.
I'm Still Just a Nic in a Cage :
Actor Nicolas Cage is expected to pay $14 million in back taxes to the IRS this week, which could only mean on thing - Con Air 2: Poe Means Poe.
From Russia with Rough Love :
A major traffic jam occurred in Moscow this weekend when Internet hackers, hacked into a video billboard in a city square and played a pornographic film. No suspects are in custody yet, but police are suspicious of the two young men who had the foresight to set up a Vaseline and tissue stand.
Haitian born musician Wyclef Jean addressed rumors yesterday that the proceeds of his charity Yele Haiti are being misused. Said Wyclef, "Just cause I take your dough, dough - It don't me me a thief no..."
The "Garden Under Your Bed" State :
In his last day as New Jersey Governor, Jon Corzine signed a bill legalizing the sale and use of medical marijuana. Corzine then suspiciously walked into a screening of Avatar with sunglasses on carrying three bags of food from Sonic.
I'm Still Just a Nic in a Cage :
Actor Nicolas Cage is expected to pay $14 million in back taxes to the IRS this week, which could only mean on thing - Con Air 2: Poe Means Poe.
From Russia with Rough Love :
A major traffic jam occurred in Moscow this weekend when Internet hackers, hacked into a video billboard in a city square and played a pornographic film. No suspects are in custody yet, but police are suspicious of the two young men who had the foresight to set up a Vaseline and tissue stand.
Monday, January 18, 2010
HEADLINES
Blind Date? :
The NY Post reported that this weekend New York Governor David Paterson was spotted having a romantic date at a New Jersey restaurant with a woman who was not his wife. Paterson responded by saying, he's not seeing anyone.
The Hippo of the Senate :
The senate race in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy's seat is much closer than most Democrats had expected, and many are projecting Republican Scott Brown as the victor - though let's face it, it'll probably take at least both of these guys to fill Teddy's plus size seat.
The Old Man and the Football :
Yesterday 40 year old Brett Favre led the Minnesota Vikings past the Dallas Cowboys and into the NFC Championship game. They say if you listened closely enough, you could hear John Madden getting an erection.
Los Presidentes :
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush taped a commercial this weekend in an attempt to raise funds for Haiti following last week's devastating earthquake. The commercial was going great till Bush announced, "The first 100 callers will get a free ShamWow!"
The NY Post reported that this weekend New York Governor David Paterson was spotted having a romantic date at a New Jersey restaurant with a woman who was not his wife. Paterson responded by saying, he's not seeing anyone.
The Hippo of the Senate :
The senate race in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy's seat is much closer than most Democrats had expected, and many are projecting Republican Scott Brown as the victor - though let's face it, it'll probably take at least both of these guys to fill Teddy's plus size seat.
The Old Man and the Football :
Yesterday 40 year old Brett Favre led the Minnesota Vikings past the Dallas Cowboys and into the NFC Championship game. They say if you listened closely enough, you could hear John Madden getting an erection.
Los Presidentes :
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush taped a commercial this weekend in an attempt to raise funds for Haiti following last week's devastating earthquake. The commercial was going great till Bush announced, "The first 100 callers will get a free ShamWow!"
Thursday, January 14, 2010
HEADLINES
Scam-ski :
A Polish prostitute was arrested this week for owing $820,000 in taxes to the Polish government. The woman is ashamed, embarrassed, and presumably incredibly bow-legged.
Croatian Nation :
The newly elected president of Croatia was surprised last week, when he signed on to his public Facebook page only to find that he had 7,000 friend requests awaiting him. He was even more shocked when he found 10,000 responses to his Craigslist ad for a 'No Strings Attached Quickie'.
Son of an Oaf :
As reported yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested this week for shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card - officially making him the second biggest disappointment in his immediate family.
Conan O'Porno - Late Night Confessions :
TMZ is reporting that a pornography website has offered Conan O'Brien a lucrative deal to star in one of its productions. Considering, Mr. O'Brien's Irish heritage, however, the film may better qualify as a comedy.
A Polish prostitute was arrested this week for owing $820,000 in taxes to the Polish government. The woman is ashamed, embarrassed, and presumably incredibly bow-legged.
Croatian Nation :
The newly elected president of Croatia was surprised last week, when he signed on to his public Facebook page only to find that he had 7,000 friend requests awaiting him. He was even more shocked when he found 10,000 responses to his Craigslist ad for a 'No Strings Attached Quickie'.
Son of an Oaf :
As reported yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested this week for shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card - officially making him the second biggest disappointment in his immediate family.
Conan O'Porno - Late Night Confessions :
TMZ is reporting that a pornography website has offered Conan O'Brien a lucrative deal to star in one of its productions. Considering, Mr. O'Brien's Irish heritage, however, the film may better qualify as a comedy.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
HEADLINES
State of the Parenthood :
New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested yesterday for allegedly shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card. Governor Paterson thought he gave his son a stern talking to, but he was simply shouting at a coat rack with a hat on it.
2:00 Minutes for Being Western :
A professional Pakistani hockey player was reprimanded this week after a picture surfaced of him drinking beer and hugging a woman. The man had to issue a public statement, the woman was sterilized, stoned, and beheaded.
Now For Some Lowbrow Jay Leno Humor :
A Florida couple this weekend got married in the supermarket where they met. Have you seen this have you heard about this? Apparently they're not too confident in the marriage, they got married in the 5 years or less lane. (guitar riff) Five years or less lane! (Kevin Eubanks murmuring) You know where they honeymooned, Kev? ("No man.") The meat counter! (guitar riff) The meat counter! (Standing ovation from stupid tourists).
Canada was a Little Rough on The Beaver :
A Canadian publisher has announced plans to change the name of the country's oldest magazine, The Beaver, because their emails to readers are being censored as pornographic spam. They will change their name to, Canadian Life, Ideas, and Times or simply, CLIT.
New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested yesterday for allegedly shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card. Governor Paterson thought he gave his son a stern talking to, but he was simply shouting at a coat rack with a hat on it.
2:00 Minutes for Being Western :
A professional Pakistani hockey player was reprimanded this week after a picture surfaced of him drinking beer and hugging a woman. The man had to issue a public statement, the woman was sterilized, stoned, and beheaded.
Now For Some Lowbrow Jay Leno Humor :
A Florida couple this weekend got married in the supermarket where they met. Have you seen this have you heard about this? Apparently they're not too confident in the marriage, they got married in the 5 years or less lane. (guitar riff) Five years or less lane! (Kevin Eubanks murmuring) You know where they honeymooned, Kev? ("No man.") The meat counter! (guitar riff) The meat counter! (Standing ovation from stupid tourists).
Canada was a Little Rough on The Beaver :
A Canadian publisher has announced plans to change the name of the country's oldest magazine, The Beaver, because their emails to readers are being censored as pornographic spam. They will change their name to, Canadian Life, Ideas, and Times or simply, CLIT.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
HEADLINES
Get Out of Town! :
Former Major League Baseball great Mark McGwire admitted yesterday to using steroids during his historic 1998 season when he broke the league home run record. In other shocking revelations yesterday, Freddie Mercury was gay, OJ Simpson is a murderer, and David Hasselhoff is an alcoholic.
I Can't Feel My Face :
A man is suing a New York City strip club after he allegedly blacked out for 90 minutes, then came to and found that he had been charged $21,000. The man is expected to rescind his lawsuit in about a week when the crabs, syphilis, and herpes show up.
Fantastic Mrs. Fox :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin accepted a job as a journalist for the Fox News Channel yesterday. Palin is already planning a monumental interview with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin which she will conduct via a can on a string from her house.
Simon Says :
Simon Cowell has announced that he will be leaving American Idol following this season. Randy said the announcement was "a little pitchy." Paula said Simon, "looked beautiful as always." Kara said "he is sure to be a star." America has spoken, and Simon is a douche bag.
Former Major League Baseball great Mark McGwire admitted yesterday to using steroids during his historic 1998 season when he broke the league home run record. In other shocking revelations yesterday, Freddie Mercury was gay, OJ Simpson is a murderer, and David Hasselhoff is an alcoholic.
I Can't Feel My Face :
A man is suing a New York City strip club after he allegedly blacked out for 90 minutes, then came to and found that he had been charged $21,000. The man is expected to rescind his lawsuit in about a week when the crabs, syphilis, and herpes show up.
Fantastic Mrs. Fox :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin accepted a job as a journalist for the Fox News Channel yesterday. Palin is already planning a monumental interview with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin which she will conduct via a can on a string from her house.
Simon Says :
Simon Cowell has announced that he will be leaving American Idol following this season. Randy said the announcement was "a little pitchy." Paula said Simon, "looked beautiful as always." Kara said "he is sure to be a star." America has spoken, and Simon is a douche bag.
Monday, January 11, 2010
HEADLINES
Oh, Poppycock! :
The National Hockey Legal has issued a statement to players telling them to clean up their language in post game interviews to make the league more "family friendly." "No problem," replied one player as he paralyzed a co-worker.
Blind Ambition :
New York Governor David Paterson is going to suggest the legalization of ultimate fighting this week in an attempt to boost the state's waning economy. Preliminary numbers show the decision could really have a positive impact on the Busch Light, Skoal, and male tramp stamp sectors of said economy.
That's Not a Handrail, Ma'am :
On Saturday, hundreds of New Yorkers rode subway cars in their underwear as part of an annual event hosted by the comedy troupe, Improv Everywhere. "They stole my bit!" proclaimed Teddy, the crazy, Vietnam veteran who lives on the F train.
Viva La Sanchez! :
On Saturday the New York Jets beat the Cincinnati Bengals in the first round of the NFL playoffs, led by an incredible performance by rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez. The event marks the fourth time a rookie quarterback has won a playoff game, and the first time a Mexican worked on a Saturday.
The National Hockey Legal has issued a statement to players telling them to clean up their language in post game interviews to make the league more "family friendly." "No problem," replied one player as he paralyzed a co-worker.
Blind Ambition :
New York Governor David Paterson is going to suggest the legalization of ultimate fighting this week in an attempt to boost the state's waning economy. Preliminary numbers show the decision could really have a positive impact on the Busch Light, Skoal, and male tramp stamp sectors of said economy.
That's Not a Handrail, Ma'am :
On Saturday, hundreds of New Yorkers rode subway cars in their underwear as part of an annual event hosted by the comedy troupe, Improv Everywhere. "They stole my bit!" proclaimed Teddy, the crazy, Vietnam veteran who lives on the F train.
Viva La Sanchez! :
On Saturday the New York Jets beat the Cincinnati Bengals in the first round of the NFL playoffs, led by an incredible performance by rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez. The event marks the fourth time a rookie quarterback has won a playoff game, and the first time a Mexican worked on a Saturday.
Friday, January 8, 2010
HEADLINES
The Getaway :
Police in Pennsylvania have arrested a man who stole $50 from a woman in a Walmart then attempted to flee on a motorized cart which was owned by the store. No word yet on how the authorities cracked the case.
YES WE CAN(S)! :
A couple in Washington is planning to pay for their wedding by collecting and turning in cans for their refund value. They're just hoping their friends and families are cool with a BYOB reception at Arby's.
Born to Shun :
The New Jersey state legislature failed to pass a bill which would legalize gay marriage yesterday. It looks like you're going to have to wait at least one more year DJ Pauly D and The Situation.
This Sounds Familiar :
In last nights BCS Championship game, Garrett Gilbert, a highly thought of yet completely untested and unproven, fresh faced young man needed to take over for a Texas hero and face unbelievable odds which ultimately led to failure - earning him the nickname "Barack Obama."
Police in Pennsylvania have arrested a man who stole $50 from a woman in a Walmart then attempted to flee on a motorized cart which was owned by the store. No word yet on how the authorities cracked the case.
YES WE CAN(S)! :
A couple in Washington is planning to pay for their wedding by collecting and turning in cans for their refund value. They're just hoping their friends and families are cool with a BYOB reception at Arby's.
Born to Shun :
The New Jersey state legislature failed to pass a bill which would legalize gay marriage yesterday. It looks like you're going to have to wait at least one more year DJ Pauly D and The Situation.
This Sounds Familiar :
In last nights BCS Championship game, Garrett Gilbert, a highly thought of yet completely untested and unproven, fresh faced young man needed to take over for a Texas hero and face unbelievable odds which ultimately led to failure - earning him the nickname "Barack Obama."
Thursday, January 7, 2010
HEADLINES
Barack O-Billboard :
The White House is up in arms about a new billboard in Times Square using Barack Obama's likeness to advertise Weatherproof Jackets. They'll be even more upset next week when Joe Biden's banjo playing "Viva Viagra" ad hits the airwaves.
2D is so 2009 :
Sports fans are in a frenzy over ESPN's announcement that they will launch a 3D sports channel within the decade. "What dorks," replied a 40 year old, dressed as an ewok, in his mother's basement.
Taco Belle of the Ball :
Dietitians are upset about Taco Bell's new advertising campaign which promotes their food as a dietary alternative. Explained one Taco Bell executive, "When you spend 7 hours a day on the toilet, it really limits your eating time."
The Adorable Migration :
Due to an unsafe overpopulation in California, animal rights activists are shipping chihuahuas to New York City. In related news, there is now an overpopulation of General Tso's chicken in Chinatown.
The White House is up in arms about a new billboard in Times Square using Barack Obama's likeness to advertise Weatherproof Jackets. They'll be even more upset next week when Joe Biden's banjo playing "Viva Viagra" ad hits the airwaves.
2D is so 2009 :
Sports fans are in a frenzy over ESPN's announcement that they will launch a 3D sports channel within the decade. "What dorks," replied a 40 year old, dressed as an ewok, in his mother's basement.
Taco Belle of the Ball :
Dietitians are upset about Taco Bell's new advertising campaign which promotes their food as a dietary alternative. Explained one Taco Bell executive, "When you spend 7 hours a day on the toilet, it really limits your eating time."
The Adorable Migration :
Due to an unsafe overpopulation in California, animal rights activists are shipping chihuahuas to New York City. In related news, there is now an overpopulation of General Tso's chicken in Chinatown.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
HEADLINES
Rumbly in My Tumbly :
A California airport was shut down yesterday after the detection of a potentially hazardous substance in a passenger's luggage, which turned out to be honey. Unfortunately they did not identify the substance quick enough, as Winnie the Pooh was anally searched then water boarded.
Fat People Got - No Reason :
5,000 users were kicked off of the popular dating website BeautifulPeople.com this week for being "too fat." The people in question yelled and screamed until they ran out of breath, passed out, then woke up, ate a salami and went back to playing World of Warcraft.
Rosie the Riveting Whore :
Rosie O'Donnell went into detail yesterday morning on her Sirius radio show about her new relationship and described it as "delicious." Rosie made headlines by causing 10,000 people to dry gag and by forever tainting the adjective "delicious."
Now for Some Good Ol' Fashion Racism! :
African Americans in New York are outraged by the use of the word "Negro" on the 2010 state census. White policy makers were quick to calm everyone down and explain that this is just so they know which censuses to count as 3/5 of the others.
A California airport was shut down yesterday after the detection of a potentially hazardous substance in a passenger's luggage, which turned out to be honey. Unfortunately they did not identify the substance quick enough, as Winnie the Pooh was anally searched then water boarded.
Fat People Got - No Reason :
5,000 users were kicked off of the popular dating website BeautifulPeople.com this week for being "too fat." The people in question yelled and screamed until they ran out of breath, passed out, then woke up, ate a salami and went back to playing World of Warcraft.
Rosie the Riveting Whore :
Rosie O'Donnell went into detail yesterday morning on her Sirius radio show about her new relationship and described it as "delicious." Rosie made headlines by causing 10,000 people to dry gag and by forever tainting the adjective "delicious."
Now for Some Good Ol' Fashion Racism! :
African Americans in New York are outraged by the use of the word "Negro" on the 2010 state census. White policy makers were quick to calm everyone down and explain that this is just so they know which censuses to count as 3/5 of the others.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
HEADLINES
Pez Be With You :
Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser died this week at the age of 87. Allina's family wanted to have an open casket ceremony, but every time they opened the coffin's lid a small, sugary candy popped out.
All Are Welcome :
The White House revealed yesterday that there was a third party crasher at the White House state dinner last month who entered without an invitation, making it official - the White House is easier to get into than Devry Institute.
What's Eating Gilbert Arenas :
NBA All-star Gilbert Arenas has admitted to pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room over a gambling debt, but has said it was simply a joke. Arenas could be onto something, as preliminary numbers show that shooting someone is this decades "Yo' Mamma'" joke.
The Best and the Brightest... and the Testicularly Mutilated :
This week President Obama has appointed the first ever transgender person, Amanda Simpson, to a presidential cabinet. "Right... the first..." replied Hilary Clinton's penis.
Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser died this week at the age of 87. Allina's family wanted to have an open casket ceremony, but every time they opened the coffin's lid a small, sugary candy popped out.
All Are Welcome :
The White House revealed yesterday that there was a third party crasher at the White House state dinner last month who entered without an invitation, making it official - the White House is easier to get into than Devry Institute.
What's Eating Gilbert Arenas :
NBA All-star Gilbert Arenas has admitted to pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room over a gambling debt, but has said it was simply a joke. Arenas could be onto something, as preliminary numbers show that shooting someone is this decades "Yo' Mamma'" joke.
The Best and the Brightest... and the Testicularly Mutilated :
This week President Obama has appointed the first ever transgender person, Amanda Simpson, to a presidential cabinet. "Right... the first..." replied Hilary Clinton's penis.
Monday, January 4, 2010
HEADLINES
Are You Freakin' McKiddin' Me?! :
An Ohio woman punched through a McDonald's drive-thru window this weekend after she was informed that they had run out of chicken McNuggets. The woman was arrested and charged with being ridiculously American.
Heroin Shei-quita :
Police in Madrid uncovered nearly 25 kilos of heroine being shipped in boxes of bananas last week. They became suspicious when the bananas lost 15 pounds, locked themselves in their rooms, and began listening to Pantera.
Future Bongo Player Born :
Matthew McConaughey became a father yesterday to a baby girl. The baby, Vida, weighed in at 7 lbs and 7 oz, or as Matthew might better understand it, 72 dime bags.
Dubai, Dubai, Du :
The tallest man made structure ever built, a 2,700 foot, 160 story building, opened this morning in Dubai. The architect of the building is assumed to have a very small penis.
An Ohio woman punched through a McDonald's drive-thru window this weekend after she was informed that they had run out of chicken McNuggets. The woman was arrested and charged with being ridiculously American.
Heroin Shei-quita :
Police in Madrid uncovered nearly 25 kilos of heroine being shipped in boxes of bananas last week. They became suspicious when the bananas lost 15 pounds, locked themselves in their rooms, and began listening to Pantera.
Future Bongo Player Born :
Matthew McConaughey became a father yesterday to a baby girl. The baby, Vida, weighed in at 7 lbs and 7 oz, or as Matthew might better understand it, 72 dime bags.
Dubai, Dubai, Du :
The tallest man made structure ever built, a 2,700 foot, 160 story building, opened this morning in Dubai. The architect of the building is assumed to have a very small penis.
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