Limp Pole-and :
The Polish government has announced a new law that men who are arrested more than once for committing acts of pedophilia will be chemically castrated, which will finally answer the age old question, "How many Pollocks does it take to chemically castrate a repeat pedophile?"
Cannabis-consin :
After being pulled over for speeding this weekend, a woman in Wisconsin swallowed a bag of marijuana to avoid getting caught with it. The woman was arrested and brought to the police station after a quick and much needed stop at KFC.
Hardest Part About Rollerblading? :
A 43 year old Connecticut man has been charged with assault after getting into a heated argument with a 4 year old on a tricycle who cut him off while he was rollerblading. Luckily for the man, rollerbladers from Connecticut who assault children are pretty well respected in prison.
Ladies Night :
A renowned female psychologist is releasing a book this week entitled "Why Women Have Sex." Spoiler Alert, the answer is money.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
HEADLINES
Lone Stars & Stripes :
A school district in Texas has apologized after displaying a United States flag which only had 43 stars. The mistake was caught by the high school's seniors who just learned counting.
Midship(WO)men :
The United States Navy has announced plans to lift the long standing ban on women in submarines. The lifting of the ban is expected to result in an influx of seamen on submarines, as well as more females.
Party Foul :
A woman in Malaysia has been sentenced to a caning after she was caught by local authorities drinking a beer. Take note sorority girls; Spring Break 2010, Malaysia might have been a bad choice.
LSDeceased :
Lucy O'Donnell, an old classmate of Julian Lennon and the inspiration behind the Beatles classic "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," has passed away at the age of 47. Funeral details will be released in the local paper in case if anyone wants to tune in, turn on, or drop out.*
*This one made me very happy. I don't care if you don't like it.
A school district in Texas has apologized after displaying a United States flag which only had 43 stars. The mistake was caught by the high school's seniors who just learned counting.
Midship(WO)men :
The United States Navy has announced plans to lift the long standing ban on women in submarines. The lifting of the ban is expected to result in an influx of seamen on submarines, as well as more females.
Party Foul :
A woman in Malaysia has been sentenced to a caning after she was caught by local authorities drinking a beer. Take note sorority girls; Spring Break 2010, Malaysia might have been a bad choice.
LSDeceased :
Lucy O'Donnell, an old classmate of Julian Lennon and the inspiration behind the Beatles classic "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," has passed away at the age of 47. Funeral details will be released in the local paper in case if anyone wants to tune in, turn on, or drop out.*
*This one made me very happy. I don't care if you don't like it.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
HEADLINES
Ouch :
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a baby this week weighing 19 pounds and 2 ounces. Mother and child are happy and healthy. Vagina is sore and pretty much useless.
Crocodile Rock :
Italian police have confiscated a famous mob boss' pet crocodile which he used as an intimidation method to extort money. Looks like it's back to the more traditional intimidation method; pay me or I'll shoot you in the face.
Hooters & Cooters :
The new campaign to raise breast cancer awareness known as "Save the Boobs" has received an incredible amount of viral and mainstream exposure this week due to its display of large chested women in skimpy outfits. Having much less success is the new testicular cancer campaign, "Rescue the Nads."
Heir-y Anus :
A new 11 mile nature walk has been introduced in Germany made exclusively for nudists, because nothing says nature like a long walk, beautiful landscapes, and a stranger's taint all up in your face.
A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a baby this week weighing 19 pounds and 2 ounces. Mother and child are happy and healthy. Vagina is sore and pretty much useless.
Crocodile Rock :
Italian police have confiscated a famous mob boss' pet crocodile which he used as an intimidation method to extort money. Looks like it's back to the more traditional intimidation method; pay me or I'll shoot you in the face.
Hooters & Cooters :
The new campaign to raise breast cancer awareness known as "Save the Boobs" has received an incredible amount of viral and mainstream exposure this week due to its display of large chested women in skimpy outfits. Having much less success is the new testicular cancer campaign, "Rescue the Nads."
Heir-y Anus :
A new 11 mile nature walk has been introduced in Germany made exclusively for nudists, because nothing says nature like a long walk, beautiful landscapes, and a stranger's taint all up in your face.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Barber Shop 3: Rise of the Machines :
A white police officer in Philadelphia has been disciplined and relegated to desk duty after showing up for work with his hair in cornrows. A similar penalty has been passed down for an Asian-American police officer who came to work with a bouffant.
To Serve & Protect (& Wii Bowl) :
Florida police officers have come under heat for playing Wii Bowling in the home of a drug dealer while they were raiding it. When asked why they would play Wii Bowling, one officer responded, "Because they didn't have Wii Tennis."
NY Fuax-st :
Environmentalists were handing out fake issues of the NY Post on Monday on the streets of New York. The fake issues featured big colorful pictures accompanied by brief, poorly written, extremely opinionated articles. There is still no word on which copies are the fakes.
In the Can :
New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress began his 2 year jail sentence yesterday for gun possession charges stemming from an incident last year. Plax will enter jail a tight end and ultimately exit a wide receiver.
LINK OF THE DAY
A white police officer in Philadelphia has been disciplined and relegated to desk duty after showing up for work with his hair in cornrows. A similar penalty has been passed down for an Asian-American police officer who came to work with a bouffant.
To Serve & Protect (& Wii Bowl) :
Florida police officers have come under heat for playing Wii Bowling in the home of a drug dealer while they were raiding it. When asked why they would play Wii Bowling, one officer responded, "Because they didn't have Wii Tennis."
NY Fuax-st :
Environmentalists were handing out fake issues of the NY Post on Monday on the streets of New York. The fake issues featured big colorful pictures accompanied by brief, poorly written, extremely opinionated articles. There is still no word on which copies are the fakes.
In the Can :
New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress began his 2 year jail sentence yesterday for gun possession charges stemming from an incident last year. Plax will enter jail a tight end and ultimately exit a wide receiver.
LINK OF THE DAY
Monday, September 21, 2009
HEADLINES
Armed and Saggy :
A 91 year old Florida man heard an intruder in his home on Saturday night and proceeded to hold the perpetrator at gunpoint until authorities arrived, all while in the nude. The elderly gentleman's plans were nearly foiled when he tripped over his testicles.
Here Comes a Train :
A 19 year old Ohio woman who had cheated on her boyfriend tried to reconcile by wearing a sign on a public street that said "I Cheated on My Boyfriend." While there's no word yet on how her boyfriend reacted, there is a 2 block long line of men willing to forgive her.
Area O'Codes :
Ireland has announced that they will introduce zip codes next year to aid the progress of Irish correspondence. If this rate continues, Ireland will have fax machines by 2055.
What's Wrong with Grandpa?... Why is He Peeing on Me? :
A scientific researcher has found that Alzheimer's cases in the United States are increasing at a frightening rate. The scientist went on to say, "Who are you and where's my rocket ship?"
A 91 year old Florida man heard an intruder in his home on Saturday night and proceeded to hold the perpetrator at gunpoint until authorities arrived, all while in the nude. The elderly gentleman's plans were nearly foiled when he tripped over his testicles.
Here Comes a Train :
A 19 year old Ohio woman who had cheated on her boyfriend tried to reconcile by wearing a sign on a public street that said "I Cheated on My Boyfriend." While there's no word yet on how her boyfriend reacted, there is a 2 block long line of men willing to forgive her.
Area O'Codes :
Ireland has announced that they will introduce zip codes next year to aid the progress of Irish correspondence. If this rate continues, Ireland will have fax machines by 2055.
What's Wrong with Grandpa?... Why is He Peeing on Me? :
A scientific researcher has found that Alzheimer's cases in the United States are increasing at a frightening rate. The scientist went on to say, "Who are you and where's my rocket ship?"
Thursday, September 17, 2009
HEADLINES
Drunk, Nude, and EXTREME is the Way to Live :
A Florida man was pulled over by police last night for driving his motorcycle naked and well over the legal limit. Said the Florida man, "I didn't remember my toilet moving so fast."
Teacher of the Year :
A female teacher in Illinois invited two teenage students to her home to assist her in household chores, and proceeded to pay them with alcohol, marijuana, and a bevy of prescription drugs. While the woman is expected to go to jail, her end of the year teacher evaluations are expected to rank off the charts.
PITT Stop :
The city of Pittsburgh has passed a new law which will make public urination an offense which warrants a fine of at least $500; so if you plan on peeing on the streets of Pittsburgh, it better be behind the cover of a Steel Curtain. (Stupidest joke in blog history!!!)
Hold the Malayo :
A 107 year old Malaysian woman is afraid that her recent marriage to a 37 year old Malaysian man, might not work out. In related news, a 37 year old Malaysian man just won the funniest bet ever.
Link of the Day
A Florida man was pulled over by police last night for driving his motorcycle naked and well over the legal limit. Said the Florida man, "I didn't remember my toilet moving so fast."
Teacher of the Year :
A female teacher in Illinois invited two teenage students to her home to assist her in household chores, and proceeded to pay them with alcohol, marijuana, and a bevy of prescription drugs. While the woman is expected to go to jail, her end of the year teacher evaluations are expected to rank off the charts.
PITT Stop :
The city of Pittsburgh has passed a new law which will make public urination an offense which warrants a fine of at least $500; so if you plan on peeing on the streets of Pittsburgh, it better be behind the cover of a Steel Curtain. (Stupidest joke in blog history!!!)
Hold the Malayo :
A 107 year old Malaysian woman is afraid that her recent marriage to a 37 year old Malaysian man, might not work out. In related news, a 37 year old Malaysian man just won the funniest bet ever.
Link of the Day
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
HEADLINES
Love Is a Well Placed Dumpster :
A Kansas couple who were engaging in sexual intercourse in a dumpster were held up and robbed at knife point earlier this week. You heard it here, getting robbed at knife point, about the 50th reason you shouldn't be having sex in a dumpster.
Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Couch" :
An Ohio man discovered this week that a couch he had acquired from a Goodwill store had a living kitten lodged between the cushions. Apparently the salesman was being quite literal when he guaranteed the couch would lead to him getting pussy.
Obamye West :
During an off the record portion of an interview yesterday President Barack Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Video Music Awards. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter all had a different, yet similar reaction to the controversy, "What's a Kanye West?"
The Last Samurai :
A Johns Hopkins student confronted a would be robber in his off campus apartment last night and killed the man with a Samurai sword. When authorities asked the student what he was doing with a Samurai sword, he explained it's simply a loner while his Gattling gun is in the shop.
A Kansas couple who were engaging in sexual intercourse in a dumpster were held up and robbed at knife point earlier this week. You heard it here, getting robbed at knife point, about the 50th reason you shouldn't be having sex in a dumpster.
Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Couch" :
An Ohio man discovered this week that a couch he had acquired from a Goodwill store had a living kitten lodged between the cushions. Apparently the salesman was being quite literal when he guaranteed the couch would lead to him getting pussy.
Obamye West :
During an off the record portion of an interview yesterday President Barack Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Video Music Awards. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter all had a different, yet similar reaction to the controversy, "What's a Kanye West?"
The Last Samurai :
A Johns Hopkins student confronted a would be robber in his off campus apartment last night and killed the man with a Samurai sword. When authorities asked the student what he was doing with a Samurai sword, he explained it's simply a loner while his Gattling gun is in the shop.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
HEADLINES
Bama Gramma' :
An 11 year old Alabama boy faked his own abduction last Friday because he didn't want to go home and show his sub-par report card to his parents. Fortunately the boy showed up safe and sound and his parents did not punish him, because they can't read.
Finger Lickin' Good :
Members of the animal rights group PETA are attempting to buy a recently abandoned jail in Virginia and turn it into a museum dedicated to chickens. It seems like a natural fit, considering the building has never been a stranger to cocks.
Handled It Like Manure Adults :
A fight between two neighbors in Michigan over stolen manure ended when one man retreated to his house for a shotgun and pointed it at his neighbor's head. According to authorities, the victim produced his own manure.
El Futbol :
The New York Jets beat the Houston Texans on Sunday with Mexican-American rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez at the helm. Not only did Sanchez put up great numbers and show great maturity, but he did it all for $2.85 an hour.
An 11 year old Alabama boy faked his own abduction last Friday because he didn't want to go home and show his sub-par report card to his parents. Fortunately the boy showed up safe and sound and his parents did not punish him, because they can't read.
Finger Lickin' Good :
Members of the animal rights group PETA are attempting to buy a recently abandoned jail in Virginia and turn it into a museum dedicated to chickens. It seems like a natural fit, considering the building has never been a stranger to cocks.
Handled It Like Manure Adults :
A fight between two neighbors in Michigan over stolen manure ended when one man retreated to his house for a shotgun and pointed it at his neighbor's head. According to authorities, the victim produced his own manure.
El Futbol :
The New York Jets beat the Houston Texans on Sunday with Mexican-American rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez at the helm. Not only did Sanchez put up great numbers and show great maturity, but he did it all for $2.85 an hour.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
HEADLINES
The King's English, yo' :
George W. Bush was ranked atop a British survey of the biggest manglers of the English language this past week. Bush responded by saying, "I'm no Bill Shakespeare, but I speak English gooder than more others."
Ricardo Ver-Mont-elban :
Four youths were arrested this past weekend in Vermont for attempting to steal a giant novelty Chili off the top of a Chili's restaurant at 4 in the morning. The youths will be charged with attempted larceny and smoking incredible pot.
I'm With Stupid :
A judge in Ohio has sentenced a shoplifter to perform court ordered community service while wearing a neon green shirt that says, "I AM A THIEF." While passing down the judgment, the judge was wearing a neon green t-shirt that said, "I AM NOT A GOOD JUDGE."
Happiness is a Warm Guitar Hero Controller :
The Beatles Rock Band video game will be released globally today after the announcement of its inception nearly a year ago. If you play the game in career mode, it ends with an avatar of a small Asian woman breaking up the band.
George W. Bush was ranked atop a British survey of the biggest manglers of the English language this past week. Bush responded by saying, "I'm no Bill Shakespeare, but I speak English gooder than more others."
Ricardo Ver-Mont-elban :
Four youths were arrested this past weekend in Vermont for attempting to steal a giant novelty Chili off the top of a Chili's restaurant at 4 in the morning. The youths will be charged with attempted larceny and smoking incredible pot.
I'm With Stupid :
A judge in Ohio has sentenced a shoplifter to perform court ordered community service while wearing a neon green shirt that says, "I AM A THIEF." While passing down the judgment, the judge was wearing a neon green t-shirt that said, "I AM NOT A GOOD JUDGE."
Happiness is a Warm Guitar Hero Controller :
The Beatles Rock Band video game will be released globally today after the announcement of its inception nearly a year ago. If you play the game in career mode, it ends with an avatar of a small Asian woman breaking up the band.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
HEADLINES
Shot Heard Round the Wawa :
A Pennsylvania Civil War collector accidentally fired a 150 year old antique cannon through his neighbor's home last weekend. His neighbor, a Crusades collector, countered with a trebuchet attack.
The McVerdict is McIn :
McDonald's lost its lawsuit last week against the Thai fast food establishment McCurry's over the use of the prefix "Mc." The real loser, however, Thai people's aortic valves.
Gettin' Schooled :
Barack Obama will address the nation's youth today on the importance of education and on his belief that American students should seek to accomplish higher education goals, because someone needs to pay off the debt he created.
Young Blood :
Protesters in the UK are up in arms over an advertising campaign for a clothing line which is using partially nude photos of a 23 year old model who appears to be closer to 14 in age. The brains behind the campaign said he will gladly meet with the protesters as long as its not within 100 yards of a middle school.
A Pennsylvania Civil War collector accidentally fired a 150 year old antique cannon through his neighbor's home last weekend. His neighbor, a Crusades collector, countered with a trebuchet attack.
The McVerdict is McIn :
McDonald's lost its lawsuit last week against the Thai fast food establishment McCurry's over the use of the prefix "Mc." The real loser, however, Thai people's aortic valves.
Gettin' Schooled :
Barack Obama will address the nation's youth today on the importance of education and on his belief that American students should seek to accomplish higher education goals, because someone needs to pay off the debt he created.
Young Blood :
Protesters in the UK are up in arms over an advertising campaign for a clothing line which is using partially nude photos of a 23 year old model who appears to be closer to 14 in age. The brains behind the campaign said he will gladly meet with the protesters as long as its not within 100 yards of a middle school.
Friday, September 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Hungry on Arrival :
An unidentified person in Florida was arrested yesterday after calling 911 twice to report that they were hungry and wanted food. In related news Rosie O'Donnell has posted bail in a Florida jail.
D'oy Vey Hard :
The New York Post reported this morning that certain synagogues throughout New York City are preparing for possible terrorist attacks during the upcoming high holidays by training their congregation in hand to hand combat. Some have gone so far as to replace their yamakas with throwing stars.
The Thigh of the Beholder :
Dutch scientists have conducted a study which shows that women with thin thighs do not live as long as women with more girth to their thighs. If their numbers are correct, Lindsay Lohan died yesterday.
Spot of Teeth :
Reuters has reported that during these hard economic times, many people in England who have been laid off have begun taking trade courses in everything from bee-keeping to the widely popular butchery. Still no one has stepped up and become a dentist.
An unidentified person in Florida was arrested yesterday after calling 911 twice to report that they were hungry and wanted food. In related news Rosie O'Donnell has posted bail in a Florida jail.
D'oy Vey Hard :
The New York Post reported this morning that certain synagogues throughout New York City are preparing for possible terrorist attacks during the upcoming high holidays by training their congregation in hand to hand combat. Some have gone so far as to replace their yamakas with throwing stars.
The Thigh of the Beholder :
Dutch scientists have conducted a study which shows that women with thin thighs do not live as long as women with more girth to their thighs. If their numbers are correct, Lindsay Lohan died yesterday.
Spot of Teeth :
Reuters has reported that during these hard economic times, many people in England who have been laid off have begun taking trade courses in everything from bee-keeping to the widely popular butchery. Still no one has stepped up and become a dentist.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Driving While Pre-Pubescent :
Authorities in Nebraska pulled over a suspected drunk driver last night only to find that the inebriated driver in question was a 12 year old boy who was well over the legal limit for an adult. In the boy's defense he was just laid off, his wife left him, and he got a C on a spelling test.
The Great In-scape :
An ex-convict in Florida was arrested this past weekend for attempting to break back into the penitentiary where he was previously incarcerated. Initial reports suspect that the man was simply attempting to partake in a booty call with a past acquaintance.
Next Stop, Neverland :
A politician in Brooklyn is fighting to turn a specific subway stop into a memorial for the late Michael Jackson. The subway stop in question is seedy and no place where you'd trust a child alone, so basically all it's missing is a commemorative plaque.
Justice is Blind (and Stupid) :
Shamed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced plans to give a lecture series at the City College of New York on the topic of Political Science. Governor David Paterson tried to stop by and offer his words of wisdom to the class, but unfortunately he was simply speaking very loudly in a White Castle.
Authorities in Nebraska pulled over a suspected drunk driver last night only to find that the inebriated driver in question was a 12 year old boy who was well over the legal limit for an adult. In the boy's defense he was just laid off, his wife left him, and he got a C on a spelling test.
The Great In-scape :
An ex-convict in Florida was arrested this past weekend for attempting to break back into the penitentiary where he was previously incarcerated. Initial reports suspect that the man was simply attempting to partake in a booty call with a past acquaintance.
Next Stop, Neverland :
A politician in Brooklyn is fighting to turn a specific subway stop into a memorial for the late Michael Jackson. The subway stop in question is seedy and no place where you'd trust a child alone, so basically all it's missing is a commemorative plaque.
Justice is Blind (and Stupid) :
Shamed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced plans to give a lecture series at the City College of New York on the topic of Political Science. Governor David Paterson tried to stop by and offer his words of wisdom to the class, but unfortunately he was simply speaking very loudly in a White Castle.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
HEADLINES
The Dow "Pacman" Jones :
The Wall Street Journal released a survey yesterday which found Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan to be the most handsome starting quarterback in the NFL. Ironically US Weekly reported that the NASDAQ closed the day up 3 points and mortgage bankers are urging an overhaul of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Holy Wedgie :
A German couple recently named their child "Djehad" which is German for the Arabic "Jihad" meaning Holy War. In middle school he will undoubtedly be called "Arschloch" which is German for the Arabic "Koos Emek" meaning Asshole.
Yankee Clipper-berg :
The Yankees/Red Sox game scheduled for September 27th was changed from a day game to a night game earlier in the week only to be changed back after complaints that the game interfered with the start of the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Jewish members of either team could not be reached for comment because they don't exist.
Without a Paddle :
Chinese ping pong player, Wang Hoa, widely considered the best ping pong player in the world has been allowed to have a girlfriend after a government ban forbidding him from having one has been lifted. That's right, Wang Hoa is now allowed a Hoa to handle his Wang.
The Wall Street Journal released a survey yesterday which found Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan to be the most handsome starting quarterback in the NFL. Ironically US Weekly reported that the NASDAQ closed the day up 3 points and mortgage bankers are urging an overhaul of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Holy Wedgie :
A German couple recently named their child "Djehad" which is German for the Arabic "Jihad" meaning Holy War. In middle school he will undoubtedly be called "Arschloch" which is German for the Arabic "Koos Emek" meaning Asshole.
Yankee Clipper-berg :
The Yankees/Red Sox game scheduled for September 27th was changed from a day game to a night game earlier in the week only to be changed back after complaints that the game interfered with the start of the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Jewish members of either team could not be reached for comment because they don't exist.
Without a Paddle :
Chinese ping pong player, Wang Hoa, widely considered the best ping pong player in the world has been allowed to have a girlfriend after a government ban forbidding him from having one has been lifted. That's right, Wang Hoa is now allowed a Hoa to handle his Wang.
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