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Your Vol is Showing :

A Tennessee man who was arrested for streaking this weekend claimed that his only motivation for the criminal act was boredom. His story checks out, as his being from Tennessee immediately eliminates the chance that he can afford a television or is able to read.

Little China :

People are upset by the opening of a new amusement park in China in which all employees are dwarfs dressed in fairytale themed costumes. Amongst those not complaining are the dwarfs - on the grounds that this is their only opportunity for employment considering they can't reach the dry cleaning counter.

You Stay Classy, Augusta :

Joslyn James, the porn star with whom Tiger Woods had a long running affair has announced that she will be in attendance this weekend as Tiger returns to golf in the Masters. While Tiger has not responded, other golfers are upset, especially because her vagina has officially been declared a water hazard.

Happy Paper Jam Day :

Today the office copy machine celebrated it's 50th year of existence. The copy machine is hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough in workplace efficiency, the tantamount example of modern convenience, and an irreplaceable staple in office themed pornos.

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On Guard! :
A school for blind children in Massachusetts announced plans today to create a fencing team for its students. "I think it'll be a great oppor..." said the team's coach before getting stabbed in the face.

Who Down with RNC? :
Members of the Republican National Committee are in hot water after allegedly running a $2,000 tab at a Los Angeles strip club. The men claim that money was simply going towards the young lady's health care anyway.

Ricky's Into Dicky :
Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - putting a decade worth of speculation to rest regarding whether or not Ricky Martin was still alive.

Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - In related news, William Hung was found wandering the streets inconsolable.

Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - Luckily for Ricky, he is still the third least gay guy from Menudo.

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Super Duper Nintendo :
The CEO of Nintendo gaming systems has announced the company's plan to create a 3D system within the decade. "Haaaaaaaa!" replied every adult virgin in the world before puffing on their inhalers.

Safe Cyber Poking :
A study conducted in the UK found a link between the growth of the social network Facebook and the shocking rise of STDs amongst the country's youth. It should come as no surprise as Facebook was known for sleeping around in college.

Autism Reeks :
Alex Hermann, the autistic boy from Illinois who had a perfect NCAA March Madness bracket through two rounds, was dealt his first loss this week when Butler upset Syracuse. "It was certainly a lot of fun," said the boys father while loading his son in the car to be lobotomized and locked in a padded room.

1 Out of 3 Ain't Bad :
A recent study found that 1 out of 3 women in America would be willing to have sex with a complete stranger for a large sum of money. The survey was conducted over the course of 20 years by Charlie Sheen.

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Hospitable Gown :
A fashion designer in the UK has designed a new hospital gown that is more sleek, comfortable, and provides more privacy - so now your incontinent grandma can shit herself with style and confidence.

Red Hot Chili Peppers :
The Indian government is experimenting with the hottest chili pepper in the world to develop a new weapon for military purposes. To date the only casualties have been a half a dozen toilets.

This Little Piggy Was Severed :
A six year old Chinese boy born with seven fingers on each hand is set to undergo an experimental surgery to remove the excess fingers - a decision he will surely regret once he's old enough to masturbate.

Foot Fetish Soldiers :
Word leaked from the Pentagon today that the United States military is set to revoke its stance against homosexual members in its ranks and repeal the much debated "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In unrelated news, the United States government put in an order for 50,000 pairs of camouflage cutoffs.

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Sexism, Your Ass! :
A recent survey of women conducted by the University of Connecticut, found that an overwhelming majority consider all men to be sexist to a certain degree. Said all men, "What do they know? They're just women."

Grand Theft Trig :
The creators of the Nintendo gaming system have announced that the future of the company lies in educational, school-friendly games. The creators of X-Box said that their games already are educational and teach kids lessons like - if a hooker owes you 5K and only coughs over 4, slam the bitches head 9 times in a car door for the total sum.

Heidi Seek :
Heidi Montag has fired her agent who is also a full time psychic after only 2 weeks of his service. Luckily he took it pretty easy as the oracle had foreseen the prophecy.

Schindler's Craigs List :
The actual document drafted by Oskar Schindler, complete with the names of every Jew he saved from the Holocaust, is going to be put up for auction soon with the asking price of $2.2 million. Many well to do Jews are interested in purchasing, but they're going to wait till the Sunday Times prints a coupon.

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Mini Winnie Cooper :
Danica McKellar, the child star of the hit 90s show The Wonder Years, announced yesterday that she is pregnant with her first child. McKellar suspected the pregnancy when she heard Daniel Stern's voice narrating from her vagina.

Ex-Whore House :
A man in Mexico has opened the first ever retirement home for former prostitutes. Families of the women are finding it thoughtful and convenient, but have problems with the $500 an hour rate.

De-Flowered :
A female nudist in Colorado has come under fire for cutting her lawn in the middle of the day while in the nude. Authorities responded to the odd happening after noticing all of the town's men were outside whacking their weeds.

Suckerin' Sukitash! :
Parents in Washington state are outraged after an on demand Bugs Bunny cartoon for children led orderers to an explicit porno movie instead. It wasn't all bad, as it opened the door for that age old discussion between parent and child about why Elmer Fudd was bookaki-ing Bugs.

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Dino-Dung :
A renowned Swiss watch company has announced that they will make a $12,000 dollar watch out of a fossilized piece of dinosaur feces - because nothing say "class and sophistication" like a 200 million year old piece of shit on your wrist.

How Can They Read It? :
The local government of Green Bay, Wisconsin has announced that this decade the most often stolen street sign was that for Mullet Place. "Well, there's always next decade," said Rat Tail Lane.

Generation Sex :
The results of a recently released survey show that women last decade were far more sexually liberal than the woman of the 1960s. Still, however, no one can hold a candle to those strumpets from the 1890s.

He Gone Gone :
The shortest man in the world, a Chinese dwarf named He Ping Ping who stood just 29 inches tall, died this week of heart complications. Of course "heart complications" is Mandarin for "someone stepped on him."

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The Aroostook Bore :
The State Senate of New Hampshire is locked in a heated debate over whether to declare the official state drink milk or apple cider, making it official - New Hampshire is the new Delaware.

Dot Com-motion :
Today the first ever "dot com" website domain celebrated its 25th birthday. The historic milestone was celebrated by internet execs, the technological community, and chronic masturbaters everywhere.

Cig Bums :
An anti-smoking group is blaming the current spike in numbers of teenage girls smoking to a strategically placed, risque advertisement by Camel in women's magazines. They have ruled out the reason being that cigarettes make you feel good, look older, and lose weight.

Got the Tism :
Scientists released a study today which found without a shadow of a doubt that autism is not caused by vaccines despite a media crusade launched by Jenny McCarthy. The discovery begs the question - If you can't trust a former Playboy model, turned co-host of a short lived MTV dating game, who went on to make a string of ill-fated straight to VHS movies before hooking up with Jim Carey - who can you trust?

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What a Boob :
A woman in Staten Island won a civil law suit today against a plastic surgeon who botched her breast augmentation and ended up giving her four breasts. The decision couldn't have come at a worse time as the doctor was scheduled to give her husband two extra hands today.

Super Mario :
Television personality Mario Lopez announced yesterday that he and his girlfriend are expecting their first child - so there will be one more person who can't name a single accomplishment of Mario Lopez besides playing AC Slater.

Hold the Blubber :
A posh sushi restaurant in Los Angeles has come under fire for serving whale. Said a spokesman for the restaurant, "What were we supposed to do not serve the star of Precious?"

Not So Slim Pickings :
Mexican Carlos Slim topped Forbes Magazine's annual list of the richest people in the world with an amassed fortune of nearly $53.5 billion - still no word on how many lawns he had to cut to make that sort of money.

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Oh, Canada :
A movement to change a lyric in the Canadian national anthem which is thought to be sexists was denied this week by the Canadian government - so it looks like "iron my shirt and make me coffee, bitch" will remain as the anthem's bridge.

Crackopoly :
A man in Kansas was arrested yesterday after he was found beaten on the street for attempting to buy crack cocaine with money from the board game Monopoly. The man's bad luck didn't end there - the police also declined his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Doctor Kong :
A doctor in Queens has beaten the world record for the video game Donkey Kong after scoring well over 1,000,000 points. The gaming world was very impressed - the families of his 100 dead patients were not as positive.

Let Your LaGuardia Down :
New York's LaGuardia airport was voted "Worst Airport in America" by an extensive survey ranking airports by a number of criteria. A spokesman for LaGuardia was scheduled to make a statement at 3 PM, then changed it to 5:30 PM, and eventually just sent the press to JFK.

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Dirty Chavez :
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez blasted Secretary of State Hilary Clinton today, and said she was simply a "blonde Condeleeza Rice" - to which Bill Clinton responded, "That's pretty hot. Let's work with that."

This is Your "Pilot" Speaking :
A man was arrested in a Dutch airport this weekend in possession of a fake pilot's license - looks like it's back to waiting in the back seat of the car as his older brother flies the plane for him.

The Outlaw Lil' Wayne :
Hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne was convicted to one year in prison today stemming from an arrest last year for illegal gun possession. Lil' Wayne is expected to change his image in prison, and has supposedly already adopted a new nickname - "Lil' Bitch."

Youth in Asia :
The Chinese government conducted a study which concluded that a record number of children in the country are obese. They plan to rectify the shocking discovery by setting up after school exercise programs for the boys and by castrating, stoning, and drowning the girls.

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Realityin' :
Former Alaskan Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in talks with Mark Burnett to create a reality television show about her and her family. The working title of the show is - "Are You Smarter Than a Teen Mom Ice Road Trucker with Corky from Life Goes On."

Snow Me :
A family in New Jersey has come under criticism for making a sexually explicit female snowman on their property. The women in the town contacted the authorities when their husbands began coming home with chapped penises.

Hairy Situation :
A Deli owner in New Jersey is in hot water for allegedly putting a hair on the order for a police officer who had pulled him over for speeding in the past. In fairness to the man, it was not his intention to put a hair in the officer's food, it must have come off of his nut sack.

Too Chubby to Fly :
A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested yesterday for masturbating in his seat in midair. The woman seated beside the passenger knew something was awry when she noticed his penis was in its upright and lock position.

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Drunkey Business :
A chimpanzee from a zoo in Moscow, Russia was sent to a special rehabilitation program this weekend to ween him off of his reliance to alcohol. The chimp realized he needed help when he woke up one morning and he wasn't in a pile of his own feces.

No Underoos :
Earlier this week 5,200 people posed naked on the steps of the Sydney Opera House as part of a project by famed photographer Spencer Tunick. The photo shoot was going great until one man's shrimp ended up in another man's barbie.

Yankin' His Chain :
New York Governor David Paterson is being investigated for breaking ethics regulations by accepting tickets to go to a Yankees World Series Game. In fairness to Paterson, however, he was told he was simply listening to the game on a radio while standing on a crowded airport runway.

OMFG!!! :
The Israeli military called off a secret raid yesterday after a militant supposedly wrote about the raid on his Facebook status. The Israelis became aware of the situation when half of the "Palestine Rocks!!!" Page "Liked" the status.

HEADLINES

Granny Get Your Gun :
An 80 year old California woman was sentenced to three years in jail last week after being convicted for a string of crimes including burglary. "This is my week!" proclaimed a recently convicted 79 year old woman looking to kick someones ass in the shower.

Proud Mary-Land :
The state government of Maryland is set to legalize gay marriage at an upcoming vote at which point they will officially change their state name to "Nancy-land."

Hot, Hot, Hot :
Today marked the 142nd birthday of the popular hot sauce brand, Tabasco. In unrelated news, tomorrow marks the 142nd birthday of diarrhea, heart burn, and ulcers.

Wicked Smaht :
The state of Massachusetts is seeking to make the use of the term "retard" in its public school illegal and punishable by fines and expulsion. Luckily for every student in Massachusetts, "retahd" still flies.