Sex and the Saudi :
A Saudi Arabian man has come under fire from the ultra conservative Saudi government for going on television and giving advice on how to spice up your sex life. Among the man's more radical suggestions was, let the woman out of her cage.
I Love the Smell of Perfume in the Morning :
34 employees at a bank in Texas were hospitalized yesterday for dizziness and trouble breathing, in what authorities initially reported as carbon dioxide poisoning. Further investigation, however revealed that the cause of sickness was a fellow employees tainted perfume bottle. The perfume was the new controversial Nausea by Calvin Klein.
It's Gettin' Hot in Heeeeere :
Allen Stanford, a white color criminal who stole over 7 billion dollars, has requested to be moved to a different federal prison, because the one he is currently in is not air conditioned. In related news, Carlos the rapist has requested to also be moved because the brunch buffet has a sub par carving station.
Strong Island Redux :
A national health survey has found that Zach's Beach in Long Island is the most polluted beach in the United States. The most prominent pollutants were hair gel and 5 dollar cologne from Hollister.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
HEADLINES
Give Me a Break :
To help the environment, some companies in New York City are allowing employees to ride their bikes to work and keep them in their offices and cubicles, because nothing says environmentally friendly like a wedgie in suit pants.
That's My Bush :
The New Orleans Saints star running back Reggie Bush and reality television personality Kim Kardashian amicably split this past weekend. Said the newly single star, "I have a hectic schedule in front of me; getting tackled, bruised, and thrown around on a weekly basis by guys twice my size." Reggie Bush could not be reached for comment.
Utah'lkin to Me? :
A 7 year old Mormon boy in Utah stole his parents car this weekend and led police on a scary chase to avoid going to church. The boy's wives were worried sick.
I've Got Your Number on my Ebay :
The phone number 867-5309, made famous by the 1980's Tommy Tutone hit "Jenny" is now available on Ebay to the highest bidder. The highest bidder will receive a new phone number, a great party story, and weekly weeping drunk dials from Tommy Tutone.
To help the environment, some companies in New York City are allowing employees to ride their bikes to work and keep them in their offices and cubicles, because nothing says environmentally friendly like a wedgie in suit pants.
That's My Bush :
The New Orleans Saints star running back Reggie Bush and reality television personality Kim Kardashian amicably split this past weekend. Said the newly single star, "I have a hectic schedule in front of me; getting tackled, bruised, and thrown around on a weekly basis by guys twice my size." Reggie Bush could not be reached for comment.
Utah'lkin to Me? :
A 7 year old Mormon boy in Utah stole his parents car this weekend and led police on a scary chase to avoid going to church. The boy's wives were worried sick.
I've Got Your Number on my Ebay :
The phone number 867-5309, made famous by the 1980's Tommy Tutone hit "Jenny" is now available on Ebay to the highest bidder. The highest bidder will receive a new phone number, a great party story, and weekly weeping drunk dials from Tommy Tutone.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
HEADLINES
Singin' (Naked) in the Rain :
Men in a small farm town in India have begun to send their daughters naked into their fields with plows while chanting religious hymns to appease the gods and attract much needed rainfall. While the chanting has not brought rainfall thus far, it has attracted an uncanny amount of 14 year old boys and men in overcoats.
Field of Wet Dreams :
Two drunk Iowa men were arrested this weekend for stealing 50 gallons of water from a public fire hydrant to use on their backyard slip n' slide. While no penalty has been handed down as of yet, living in Iowa may be punishment enough.
Your on Subway Camera :
The MTA has announced plans to put far more substantial video surveillance cameras in New York subway cars in an attempt to bring an end to criminal activity, so get ready to start buying your batteries at Radio Shack.
Vick Head :
The NFL officially reinstated Michael Vick yesterday after he spent 3 years in federal custody for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. While Vick still has arm strength, determination, and a high football IQ, there is no word on how his option style will be effected by the fact that he's now bow-legged.
Men in a small farm town in India have begun to send their daughters naked into their fields with plows while chanting religious hymns to appease the gods and attract much needed rainfall. While the chanting has not brought rainfall thus far, it has attracted an uncanny amount of 14 year old boys and men in overcoats.
Field of Wet Dreams :
Two drunk Iowa men were arrested this weekend for stealing 50 gallons of water from a public fire hydrant to use on their backyard slip n' slide. While no penalty has been handed down as of yet, living in Iowa may be punishment enough.
Your on Subway Camera :
The MTA has announced plans to put far more substantial video surveillance cameras in New York subway cars in an attempt to bring an end to criminal activity, so get ready to start buying your batteries at Radio Shack.
Vick Head :
The NFL officially reinstated Michael Vick yesterday after he spent 3 years in federal custody for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. While Vick still has arm strength, determination, and a high football IQ, there is no word on how his option style will be effected by the fact that he's now bow-legged.
Monday, July 27, 2009
HEADLINES
Textual Relations :
New York Senator Chuck Shumer introduced legislation last week which would put a strict ban on text messaging by train and bus operators in the state of New York. Said one bus driver, "Omfg - toats pwnage - l8r".
Pound for Pound (Cake) :
Army Colonel Henry Moak celebrated his retirement from the United States Army yesterday by opening an army rationed piece of pound cake he had in his possession since 1969 and eating it. In unrelated news, Army Colonel Henry Moak has died of dysentery.
Thanks be to Super Sets :
A church in Ohio has been renovated and turned into a gym, while keeping all the religious symbols and decor in place. Many woman have already complained that the shaggy haired guy on the cross is ogling them inappropriately.
Right and Thong :
Police in Mississippi this weekend were on the hunt for a woman who carjacked another citizen while wearing a bikini. Eyewitnesses described the suspect as Caucasian, 5'4, and unshaven.
New York Senator Chuck Shumer introduced legislation last week which would put a strict ban on text messaging by train and bus operators in the state of New York. Said one bus driver, "Omfg - toats pwnage - l8r".
Pound for Pound (Cake) :
Army Colonel Henry Moak celebrated his retirement from the United States Army yesterday by opening an army rationed piece of pound cake he had in his possession since 1969 and eating it. In unrelated news, Army Colonel Henry Moak has died of dysentery.
Thanks be to Super Sets :
A church in Ohio has been renovated and turned into a gym, while keeping all the religious symbols and decor in place. Many woman have already complained that the shaggy haired guy on the cross is ogling them inappropriately.
Right and Thong :
Police in Mississippi this weekend were on the hunt for a woman who carjacked another citizen while wearing a bikini. Eyewitnesses described the suspect as Caucasian, 5'4, and unshaven.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
HEADLINES
French Onion Splooge :
A man in California is suing a restaurant after finding a condom in his french onion soup. In defense of the dyslexic chef, he got confused by the instructions, "put soup in crock."
All Lockered Up :
A 20 year old German man had to be rescued this weekend after accidentally locking himself in a locker at a train station. Soon after being let go, the man accidentally gave himself a wedgie and held his own head in the toilet.
Dental Problems :
A woman in south Florida has been arrested after illegally running a dental practice out of her own garage. The southern woman had inspected 50 patients and roughly 17 teeth.
Rest in (Mexican) Pizza :
Gidget, the chihuahua who rose to fame in the mid-90s starring in Taco Bell commercials has passed away at the age of 15. Gidget will be memorialized by being cremated and served as a crunch wrap supreme.
A man in California is suing a restaurant after finding a condom in his french onion soup. In defense of the dyslexic chef, he got confused by the instructions, "put soup in crock."
All Lockered Up :
A 20 year old German man had to be rescued this weekend after accidentally locking himself in a locker at a train station. Soon after being let go, the man accidentally gave himself a wedgie and held his own head in the toilet.
Dental Problems :
A woman in south Florida has been arrested after illegally running a dental practice out of her own garage. The southern woman had inspected 50 patients and roughly 17 teeth.
Rest in (Mexican) Pizza :
Gidget, the chihuahua who rose to fame in the mid-90s starring in Taco Bell commercials has passed away at the age of 15. Gidget will be memorialized by being cremated and served as a crunch wrap supreme.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
HEADLINES
Toakland, Brah' :
On Tuesday, Oakland became the first city in California to begin taxing the sale of medical marijuana in an attempt to stimulate the states struggling economy. When reached for comment, the mayor of Oakland said, "Dude, are you okay to drive to Sonic?"
Soccer Tool-igan :
A spectator who jumped from the stands last week and got into a scuffle with the LA Galaxy's David Beckham has been given a lifetime ban from attending Major League Soccer games. The man joins the 95% of the country who will never step foot in a soccer game. Welcome to the majority!
Boxers or Briefs? :
A German man was arrested last week for allegedly stealing over 1,000 pairs of underwear from various department stores over the course of the past several weeks. Should the man decide to hang himself in his prison cell, he certainly has a lot of elastic waste bands to choose from.
Vice President Vice :
In an interview yesterday Joe Biden stated that Ukrainian women were the most beautiful women in the world. It was a strange response to, "What are your thoughts on the wide scale opposition to the President's new health care initiative?"
On Tuesday, Oakland became the first city in California to begin taxing the sale of medical marijuana in an attempt to stimulate the states struggling economy. When reached for comment, the mayor of Oakland said, "Dude, are you okay to drive to Sonic?"
Soccer Tool-igan :
A spectator who jumped from the stands last week and got into a scuffle with the LA Galaxy's David Beckham has been given a lifetime ban from attending Major League Soccer games. The man joins the 95% of the country who will never step foot in a soccer game. Welcome to the majority!
Boxers or Briefs? :
A German man was arrested last week for allegedly stealing over 1,000 pairs of underwear from various department stores over the course of the past several weeks. Should the man decide to hang himself in his prison cell, he certainly has a lot of elastic waste bands to choose from.
Vice President Vice :
In an interview yesterday Joe Biden stated that Ukrainian women were the most beautiful women in the world. It was a strange response to, "What are your thoughts on the wide scale opposition to the President's new health care initiative?"
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
HEADLINES
I Now Pronounce You Kelly and Kelly :
A Florida couple who share the same exact name, Kelly Hildebrandt, intend to get married this October marking the first time in United States history that this has occurred. When the expectant groom was asked, "What will it be like pleasuring someone named Kelly Hildebrandt," he replied, "Middle School."
Babies on Board :
A New York based minor league baseball team had a special promotion this weekend by filling the stands with pregnant women. The promotion went well until a fight broke out during the Seventh Inning Stretch-Marks.
We Landed on the Moon!!! :
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin spent 21 hours and 38 minutes exploring the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated the historic event by spending 21 hours and 38 minutes trying to get off the toilet.
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by taking one small step into his Cadillac, and one giant leap towards the Denny's early-bird buffet.
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing when American astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin touched down in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by landing in a sea of tranquility on his mattress's surface.
A Florida couple who share the same exact name, Kelly Hildebrandt, intend to get married this October marking the first time in United States history that this has occurred. When the expectant groom was asked, "What will it be like pleasuring someone named Kelly Hildebrandt," he replied, "Middle School."
Babies on Board :
A New York based minor league baseball team had a special promotion this weekend by filling the stands with pregnant women. The promotion went well until a fight broke out during the Seventh Inning Stretch-Marks.
We Landed on the Moon!!! :
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Apollo 11 moon landing when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin spent 21 hours and 38 minutes exploring the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated the historic event by spending 21 hours and 38 minutes trying to get off the toilet.
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by taking one small step into his Cadillac, and one giant leap towards the Denny's early-bird buffet.
Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing when American astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin touched down in the Sea of Tranquility on the moon's surface. The 80 year old Buzz Aldrin celebrated by landing in a sea of tranquility on his mattress's surface.
Monday, July 20, 2009
HEADLINES
Cupcake Madness :
A town in Minnesota broke a Guinness World Record last week by making a cupcake that weighed 150 pounds. Next for the town, making a 200 pound diabetes test.
Old Timers Day :
A World War I veteran died in Great Britain this weekend at the age of 113. The man's parents are devastated.
Dog Eat Dog :
Former NFL all-star quarterback Michael Vick was released from jail today after serving over three years in federal custody for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. While in jail, Vick learned the fault of his ways, having now seen the world through the eyes of a bitch.
(Another sodomy joke on a Monday?... well if you really want...)
Model Behavior :
A British male model says that he will continue to work as a model despite the fact that he is incarcerated in Queens for committing several robberies over the last year. The man will go from being in Guess to guessing who's going to be in him.
(HEEEEEEY-YOOOOO)
A town in Minnesota broke a Guinness World Record last week by making a cupcake that weighed 150 pounds. Next for the town, making a 200 pound diabetes test.
Old Timers Day :
A World War I veteran died in Great Britain this weekend at the age of 113. The man's parents are devastated.
Dog Eat Dog :
Former NFL all-star quarterback Michael Vick was released from jail today after serving over three years in federal custody for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. While in jail, Vick learned the fault of his ways, having now seen the world through the eyes of a bitch.
(Another sodomy joke on a Monday?... well if you really want...)
Model Behavior :
A British male model says that he will continue to work as a model despite the fact that he is incarcerated in Queens for committing several robberies over the last year. The man will go from being in Guess to guessing who's going to be in him.
(HEEEEEEY-YOOOOO)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
HEADLINES
NYPD Shoe :
An NYPD officer returned to work this week after losing his leg in the line of duty last year. For a year now, the officer has been telling colleagues "I'll be back," to which they responded, "You don't have a leg to stand on."
Marlbor - oh no! :
A New Hampshire man was charged 23 quadrillion dollars for a pack of cigarettes this weekend due to a glitch with the credit card machine. To add insult to injury, the clerk accidentally gave him menthols.
I Can't Believe it's not MJ! :
PETA has announced that they will make a life size statue of Michael Jackson out of a non-dairy butter spread as a tribute. If children approach the statue they will find themselves covered in a white, slippery substance; so it will be much like the real Michael Jackson.
Super Market Creep :
An executive of Gristedes supermarket chain was arrested yesterday after planning to meet with a 14 year old girl he met online for sex. To the man's credit, he did bring protection... both paper and plastic.
An NYPD officer returned to work this week after losing his leg in the line of duty last year. For a year now, the officer has been telling colleagues "I'll be back," to which they responded, "You don't have a leg to stand on."
Marlbor - oh no! :
A New Hampshire man was charged 23 quadrillion dollars for a pack of cigarettes this weekend due to a glitch with the credit card machine. To add insult to injury, the clerk accidentally gave him menthols.
I Can't Believe it's not MJ! :
PETA has announced that they will make a life size statue of Michael Jackson out of a non-dairy butter spread as a tribute. If children approach the statue they will find themselves covered in a white, slippery substance; so it will be much like the real Michael Jackson.
Super Market Creep :
An executive of Gristedes supermarket chain was arrested yesterday after planning to meet with a 14 year old girl he met online for sex. To the man's credit, he did bring protection... both paper and plastic.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
HEADLINES
Thanks Be to Fraud :
A Pennsylvania man was arrested yesterday after dressing up as a Roman Catholic priest and visiting patients in a local hospital. The authorities became skeptical of the man when the patients in the children's wing went unmolested.
It's Just Not Cricket :
Supreme Court hopeful Sonia Sotomayor has admitted that during her first year of attending Princeton University she could not sleep because she was terrified of the crickets around her dormitory. Sotomayor went on to say, "A person who's afraid of minuscule insects, can make a better judgment than a white man."
Apoca-Calypso :
Mel Gibson recently finished directing his Russian girlfriend's new music video. The video is already being considered the front runner for the VMA's prestigious "Best X-Rated Torture Scene in a Holocaust Denying Video."
'We Don't Need No Stinkin' Deodorant' :
The employees of an office building in Santa Fe, New Mexico are claiming that there is a stench in the building so bad that they are no longer able to work there. Explained the buildings manager, "I'm sorry, that's just Mexico."
A Pennsylvania man was arrested yesterday after dressing up as a Roman Catholic priest and visiting patients in a local hospital. The authorities became skeptical of the man when the patients in the children's wing went unmolested.
It's Just Not Cricket :
Supreme Court hopeful Sonia Sotomayor has admitted that during her first year of attending Princeton University she could not sleep because she was terrified of the crickets around her dormitory. Sotomayor went on to say, "A person who's afraid of minuscule insects, can make a better judgment than a white man."
Apoca-Calypso :
Mel Gibson recently finished directing his Russian girlfriend's new music video. The video is already being considered the front runner for the VMA's prestigious "Best X-Rated Torture Scene in a Holocaust Denying Video."
'We Don't Need No Stinkin' Deodorant' :
The employees of an office building in Santa Fe, New Mexico are claiming that there is a stench in the building so bad that they are no longer able to work there. Explained the buildings manager, "I'm sorry, that's just Mexico."
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
HEADLINES
Louisville Drugger :
Last night was Major League Baseball's annual Home Run Derby. The first 500 children under the age of 10 to arrive received HGH and a syringe signed by the participants.
M-Gay :
A new book to be published claims that the late Michael Jackson was a homosexual who partook in many gay liaisons over the last two decades. In other shocking news, it has been determined that the Earth is round.
"F" is for Fat :
A study conducted in New York City has determined that obese students do significantly worse in school than their fit counterparts. When reached for comment, one obese student said, "pass the salt."
Pimps, Hoes, and Bikers :
In order to reduce global warming a brothel in Berlin, Germany is offering a reduced rate if clients ride a bike to the house of ill repute, as opposed to a car. A small minority of men might consider removing the seat from said bicycles and cutting out the middle man.
Last night was Major League Baseball's annual Home Run Derby. The first 500 children under the age of 10 to arrive received HGH and a syringe signed by the participants.
M-Gay :
A new book to be published claims that the late Michael Jackson was a homosexual who partook in many gay liaisons over the last two decades. In other shocking news, it has been determined that the Earth is round.
"F" is for Fat :
A study conducted in New York City has determined that obese students do significantly worse in school than their fit counterparts. When reached for comment, one obese student said, "pass the salt."
Pimps, Hoes, and Bikers :
In order to reduce global warming a brothel in Berlin, Germany is offering a reduced rate if clients ride a bike to the house of ill repute, as opposed to a car. A small minority of men might consider removing the seat from said bicycles and cutting out the middle man.
Monday, July 13, 2009
HEADLINES
Time to Make the Doughnuts, 'ey :
This morning in New York City, thirteen Tom Horton's doughnuts shops opened up. Tom Horton's is a Canadian franchise which serves doughnuts which are extremely high in sugar, fat, and calorie count, making it the unhealthiest Canadian import since John Candy.
Zoo-bama :
A zoo in Germany apologized this weekend for naming a chimpanzee "Obama"; a gesture which many people found racially insensitive. Still no apologies for the jack-ass named "Biden" or the female canine named "Clinton."
Bottle Service :
Over ten of New York City's most popular night clubs were fined this week, after it was discovered that they fill their top shelf liquor bottles with cheaper liquor and significantly over charge for it. In the clubs' defense, they didn't want their dads to find out they drank all of the good stuff.
Supreme Court Drudge :
Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearing to join the Supreme Court began this morning. Sotomayor, who would be the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice, actually arrived late to the proceedings. Allegedly she had trouble hitching a ride from the Home Depot parking lot.
(Sorry about that last one... it was too good not to use)
This morning in New York City, thirteen Tom Horton's doughnuts shops opened up. Tom Horton's is a Canadian franchise which serves doughnuts which are extremely high in sugar, fat, and calorie count, making it the unhealthiest Canadian import since John Candy.
Zoo-bama :
A zoo in Germany apologized this weekend for naming a chimpanzee "Obama"; a gesture which many people found racially insensitive. Still no apologies for the jack-ass named "Biden" or the female canine named "Clinton."
Bottle Service :
Over ten of New York City's most popular night clubs were fined this week, after it was discovered that they fill their top shelf liquor bottles with cheaper liquor and significantly over charge for it. In the clubs' defense, they didn't want their dads to find out they drank all of the good stuff.
Supreme Court Drudge :
Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearing to join the Supreme Court began this morning. Sotomayor, who would be the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice, actually arrived late to the proceedings. Allegedly she had trouble hitching a ride from the Home Depot parking lot.
(Sorry about that last one... it was too good not to use)
Friday, July 10, 2009
HEADLINES
Super Zero :
Two men dressed as Superman and Batman were arrested in Time Square yesterday after causing a ruckus. Both men spent the night in jail. Lucky for them, they probably lost their virginity.
Black or White or... :
A source close to Michael Jackson said yesterday that Jackson wore his trademark single white glove to hide his skin problems. Bang up job Michael, we didn't notice a thing!!!
Load of Bull :
A man in Pamplona, Spain died yesterday in the annual Running of the Bulls. While the autopsy is not yet complete, it has been speculated that the cause of death was stupidity.
Seal-ed With a Kiss :
A Brooklyn, New York aquarium is charging $200 for attendees to visit the seal exhibit and get a kiss from a seal. For $250 they offer a flipper job. (Hey-yoooo!!)
Two men dressed as Superman and Batman were arrested in Time Square yesterday after causing a ruckus. Both men spent the night in jail. Lucky for them, they probably lost their virginity.
Black or White or... :
A source close to Michael Jackson said yesterday that Jackson wore his trademark single white glove to hide his skin problems. Bang up job Michael, we didn't notice a thing!!!
Load of Bull :
A man in Pamplona, Spain died yesterday in the annual Running of the Bulls. While the autopsy is not yet complete, it has been speculated that the cause of death was stupidity.
Seal-ed With a Kiss :
A Brooklyn, New York aquarium is charging $200 for attendees to visit the seal exhibit and get a kiss from a seal. For $250 they offer a flipper job. (Hey-yoooo!!)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
HEADLINES
Forget it Jake, This is Chinatown :
The owner of the famous Chinese restaurant Mr. Chow in New York is seeking to take legal action against a man named Phillipe Chow who opened a restaurant with the same name, and with a very similar menu. In Phillipe Chow's defense, there are only so many ways to prepare Cocker Spaniel meat.
Over the Hills and Far Away :
Greenpeace Activists staged a protest on Wednesday by displaying a banner on Mount Rushmore imploring President Obama to take action against the threat of global warming. Lets face it, if you want to stage a large scale, widely recognized demonstration, where better than in the mountains of South Dakota.
Mental Floss :
A Connecticut man was arrested this week after showing up to a dentist appointment completely naked. Said the man, "I simply wanted my cavity checked."
Rest in (Reces) Peaces :
In very tragic news, a New Jersey man who worked in a chocolate factory died yesterday after slipping into a vat of chocolate and drowning. The man's family has asked that in lieu of flowers, funeral attendees bring fondue sticks and fruit.
The owner of the famous Chinese restaurant Mr. Chow in New York is seeking to take legal action against a man named Phillipe Chow who opened a restaurant with the same name, and with a very similar menu. In Phillipe Chow's defense, there are only so many ways to prepare Cocker Spaniel meat.
Over the Hills and Far Away :
Greenpeace Activists staged a protest on Wednesday by displaying a banner on Mount Rushmore imploring President Obama to take action against the threat of global warming. Lets face it, if you want to stage a large scale, widely recognized demonstration, where better than in the mountains of South Dakota.
Mental Floss :
A Connecticut man was arrested this week after showing up to a dentist appointment completely naked. Said the man, "I simply wanted my cavity checked."
Rest in (Reces) Peaces :
In very tragic news, a New Jersey man who worked in a chocolate factory died yesterday after slipping into a vat of chocolate and drowning. The man's family has asked that in lieu of flowers, funeral attendees bring fondue sticks and fruit.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
HEADLINES
Movin' on Up :
On Tuesday a man from Arkansas was arrested for living in a Pennsylvania family's attic for over a week. The family became aware of the man's presence when his sister dropped by for a booty call.
Manny Being Manny :
Manny Ramirez, who was suspended from Major League Baseball in April for taking female fertility drugs, was suspended from a game yesterday after throwing his batting helmet, bat, and storming away from an umpire after a close strike call. Manny went to the clubhouse where he took a bath, ate ice cream, and cried while watching "Grey's Anatomy."
Thanks be to TV :
A new reality show in development will put 10 atheists in a house with a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam, who will all try to convert the contestants before the shows finale. Word of advice to the Rabbi; I wouldn't open with the circumcision.
DWI - Driving While In the Nude :
Police pulled over a drunk driver in Delaware last night, only to find that the man was not wearing any pants. Said the inebriated driver, "I didn't think I drove a stick."
On Tuesday a man from Arkansas was arrested for living in a Pennsylvania family's attic for over a week. The family became aware of the man's presence when his sister dropped by for a booty call.
Manny Being Manny :
Manny Ramirez, who was suspended from Major League Baseball in April for taking female fertility drugs, was suspended from a game yesterday after throwing his batting helmet, bat, and storming away from an umpire after a close strike call. Manny went to the clubhouse where he took a bath, ate ice cream, and cried while watching "Grey's Anatomy."
Thanks be to TV :
A new reality show in development will put 10 atheists in a house with a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam, who will all try to convert the contestants before the shows finale. Word of advice to the Rabbi; I wouldn't open with the circumcision.
DWI - Driving While In the Nude :
Police pulled over a drunk driver in Delaware last night, only to find that the man was not wearing any pants. Said the inebriated driver, "I didn't think I drove a stick."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
HEADLINES
No One Wants to be Defeated -
It is estimated that over 1 million people will be flooding the streets of Los Angeles today to pay their last respects to Michael Jackson, and over 20% of those people will be children. Needless to say, if Michael Jackson is watching he's definitely "beat-ing it."
Can't Stand It -
A budget airline based out of Ireland was given permission this week to sell standing room only tickets for flights to and from Ireland. Now that they've cleared that hurdle, the next obstacle is finding an Irishman who can stand.
Dane in the Ass -
Dane Cook's brother was charged today with stealing over $11 million dollars from his comedian brother over the course of the past 4 years. In the spirit of Dane Cook, this joke will not have a punchline.
Camp "I-Don't-Wanna" -
Through a loop-hole in the legal system, it is unlawful for camps in New York to do background checks on its potential counselors to see whether or not they are sex offenders. Said potential counselors, "What about a hole!!?"
(I scattered the pedophile jokes)
It is estimated that over 1 million people will be flooding the streets of Los Angeles today to pay their last respects to Michael Jackson, and over 20% of those people will be children. Needless to say, if Michael Jackson is watching he's definitely "beat-ing it."
Can't Stand It -
A budget airline based out of Ireland was given permission this week to sell standing room only tickets for flights to and from Ireland. Now that they've cleared that hurdle, the next obstacle is finding an Irishman who can stand.
Dane in the Ass -
Dane Cook's brother was charged today with stealing over $11 million dollars from his comedian brother over the course of the past 4 years. In the spirit of Dane Cook, this joke will not have a punchline.
Camp "I-Don't-Wanna" -
Through a loop-hole in the legal system, it is unlawful for camps in New York to do background checks on its potential counselors to see whether or not they are sex offenders. Said potential counselors, "What about a hole!!?"
(I scattered the pedophile jokes)
Monday, July 6, 2009
HEADLINES
Rumble in The Bronx:
A 22 year old man was arrested in a club in the Bronx this weekend after allegedly punching a fellow club goer in the face, after she refused his request to dance with him. In the man's defense, it may have been a cabbage patch gone awry.
Little People, Big Controversy:
Little people around the USA are protesting the use of the term "Midget" on television broadcasts. To show that they are serious they've threatened to take the networks to small claims court.
Strong Island:
Due to a 150% rise in mosquitoes so far this year in Long Island resulting from above average rainfall, officials are releasing a gas which is thought to stop mosquitoes from mating and procreating. Next up, a similar gas, but for guidos.
The Obama and the Heir:
On the 4th of July, a sea turtle named Obama was re-released into the waters of the coast of Key West, Florida. In related news, a sea turtle named for Vice President Joe Biden was found dead, having choked on its own foot.
A 22 year old man was arrested in a club in the Bronx this weekend after allegedly punching a fellow club goer in the face, after she refused his request to dance with him. In the man's defense, it may have been a cabbage patch gone awry.
Little People, Big Controversy:
Little people around the USA are protesting the use of the term "Midget" on television broadcasts. To show that they are serious they've threatened to take the networks to small claims court.
Strong Island:
Due to a 150% rise in mosquitoes so far this year in Long Island resulting from above average rainfall, officials are releasing a gas which is thought to stop mosquitoes from mating and procreating. Next up, a similar gas, but for guidos.
The Obama and the Heir:
On the 4th of July, a sea turtle named Obama was re-released into the waters of the coast of Key West, Florida. In related news, a sea turtle named for Vice President Joe Biden was found dead, having choked on its own foot.
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