April 27, 2008

THIS WEEK'S NEWS:

SPORTS

"Draft Madness"
The NFL draft took place this weekend and Arkansas running back Darren McFadden was taken fourth overall despite serious concerns about his character and off field issues, most notably his penchant for illegitimate children. The Raiders are already drafting his contract to include a vasectomy and a bi-monthly appearance on "Maury."

WORLD

"Private Dick"
Authorities in the Congo have arrested a man suspected of being a "penis snatcher." The man is said to have been cursing men with voodoo to make their penises small and impotent. Authorities feel confident in assuming he had already conquered Ireland.

POLITICS

"Johnny B. Angry"
It has been reported that during his first presidential campaign in 2000, Senator John McCain snapped at his wife and amongst other things, called her a "trollop." The incident officially establishes that John McCain is incredibly old.

THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
(NOTE: Not for the weak of heart... for German pornographers)

"Shit Out of Luck"
Well if there's one thing we learn as a child its the fact that "Everybody Poops." There's even a book of the same name (get the Pulitzer ready). As we grow old though, the simple concept of excretion becomes increasingly embarassing. Especially if you're like me and make a habit of popping a squat 3 to 4 times a day. Perhaps there's no more embarassing time to do this most human of things, however, as during a house party. The sensation hits you like a sledgehammer to the kidneys and you know its time. Several things will always happen... and in this order...

1) You wait until there is no one around the bathroom and get in line.
2) The girl who you could see yourself going home with will line up behind you.
3) You offer her your spot in a corny way and say something borderline pedophilic (i.e. "who said chivalry is dead?")
4) She turns you down due to the fact that she will be bringing upwards of 4 friends with her (what the fuck do you ladies do in there?)
5) The door opens and its your turn.
6) You sit on the pot with your pants barely down (basically only your ass exposed), lean forward and press your hands against the door (I never trust locks in these situations).
7) You take an implausably fast shit (2 mins 30 secs tops).
8) You notice there's no toilet paper... QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE - New York Times? Wash cloth? or your own sock?... you decide.
9) There is no air freshener and the room smells like a tijuana port-a-potty.
10) You collect every scented thing in the room (hair spray is clutch) and cover the room in it.
11) Exit and exchange a friendly smile with the girls.
12) Get awkward stares for the rest of the night.

So what did we learn today, kids? Sure, everybody poops, but at what cost?