HEADLINES

Mach-Oh' Man :
A scientific study has determined that women who are on the birth control pill are less attracted to stereotypical "macho men" than woman who are not. "That explains it," said the chiseled lumberjack with three illegitimate children.

Euro Passed Gas :
A German man was dragged pantless across a train platform yesterday after his pants got caught in the closing doors of the locomotive. The man sustained minor scratches and bruises; the platform sustained substantial skidmarks.

Give the Finger to the System :
An English family is suing a grade school after their daughter lost her fingers in an arts and crafts class earlier this month. To add insult to injury the girl was given an "Incomplete" in finger painting.

Here Comes the Neighborhood :
The home next door to Barack Obama's in Illinois has officially gone up for sale, and the current owner is asking for $2.5 million. Many affluent families love the home, but are not crazy about living in a "black neighborhood."