May 18, 2008

THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING

"Subway Series"
Well it's that time of year; the Yankees and the Mets face off for New York baseball dominance. I was set to go to the first game this Friday, but nature had other plans. Then came Saturday's game, and the coverage on YES was shameful. Obviously they have never had a blimp at a game before because they were clueless as to how to use the aerial shots. I am poised to say that 55% of the first 3 innings were shown from the blimp. I may have contracted vertigo (if that's possible).

Whilst enjoying the subway series, I was informed of a very interesting fact by my friend and colleague John E. Roe. Johnny tells me that there was a time in America's past time (before the Yankee's payroll was equivalent to the Gross National Product of Belize) when Major Leaguers like Yogi Berra and Whitey Ford used to have jobs during the off season just to pay the bills. This got me to thinking. What if this was still the case? What would our favorite Yankees be doing during the off season? Don't worry your pretty little heads, Uncle John is going to tell you...

Jason Giambi (1B)- Bouncer at a NJ Boardwalk dive bar that no one goes to.
Robinson Cano (2B) - A bus boy at an upscale restaurant who shows real potential to one day be a waiter.
Derek Jeter (SS) - Stockbroker/sex-addicted Genesis fan in a nice suit.
Alex Rodriguez (3B) - The asshole outside Abercrombie & Fitch with no shirt on.
Bobby Abreu (RF) - Latin pop star.
Melky Cabrera (CF) - The guy who hand drys your car at the end of the car wash (the kind where you sit in the car... obviously)
Johnny Damon (LF) - Mowgli in an off Broadway production of Disney's "The Jungle Book."
Hideki Matsui (DH) - Sushi chef with a proclivity for hardcore, barely legal porno; the type stuff you can't get in the mail.
Shelley Duncan (Bench) - Matthew Lilliard's stand in.
Morgan Ensberg (Bench) - Head counselor at a leadership camp who's very sad deep down.
Ian Kennedy (SP) - Anything where he would undoubtedly under achieve and let everyone down.
Phil Hughes (SP) - A member of the Goljan family.
Brian Bruney (RP) - Drunk.
Kyle Farnsworth (RP) - Guy Pierce's stand in.
Mariano Rivera (Closer) - Overly protective/cautious owner/manager of a Bodega who is convinced everyone is trying to steal from him.

Play Ball!