The Evolution of Paper :
An original Charles Darwin text has been discovered in a London home and is expected to make millions in an auction later this month. The text, written approximately 150 years ago, is currently walking homo-erectis and making tools.
The Mutants of Wal-Mart :
A Long Island woman has been arrested after leaving her two year old child in a running car outside of a Wal-Mart as she ran inside to shop. The woman will likely lose custody of her child, but on the bright side she does have a 50 pack of Scotch Tape.
Water/Tree Penalty :
Golfer Tiger Woods was involved in a single car accident over the weekend when he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree while leaving his driveway. While the cause of the accident is still uncertain, all signs point to his being half Asian.
The Pale Revolution :
For the second weekend in a row, Twilight: New Moon dominated at the box office, making over $40 million. In related news, for the second week in a row a disproportionate amount of middle schoolers got to second base.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
HEADLINES
No Sons in the Champagne Room :
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.
Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.
Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.
Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.
Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.
Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.
Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.
Monday, November 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Kiss-mas Ban :
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.
2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.
The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.
GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.
2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.
The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.
GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.
Friday, November 20, 2009
HEADLINES
Toddler, M.D. :
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.
Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.
Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.
Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.
Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.
Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.
Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
HEADLINES
Old School :
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.
It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.
Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"
He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.
It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.
Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"
He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
HEADLINES
Hamsters Not Included :
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.
Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.
Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."
The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.
Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.
Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."
The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."
Friday, November 13, 2009
HEADLINES
Give a Dog a Bone :
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.
Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.
Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.
Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.
Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
HEADLINES
Come-on-Down.com :
Reuters reported today that plans are in the works for the creation of an online auction site for millionaires to auction off extravagant items such as yachts, luxury cars, and vacation homes. The items will go to whoever bids closest to the actual retail price without going over.
Piss Be with You :
The sudden rise in cases of swine flu throughout Europe has led an Italian man to invent an electric holy water dispenser for Catholic churches; because nothing says welcome to church like the feeling of God pissing on your hands.
Face-Book 'Em Danno :
A Brooklyn man avoided a jail sentence this week by proving that he could not have participated in an armed robbery because at the time he was updating his Facebook status. The Facebook status in question, read "Going to commit armed robbery... back in time for The Hills."
Have You Seen This? Have You Heard About This? :
The young woman who had an affair with ESPN's Steve Phillips has come out to defend her honor after she saw Jay Leno make a joke at her expense on his show. That's right, a woman who wants to be respected watches The Jay Leno Show.
Reuters reported today that plans are in the works for the creation of an online auction site for millionaires to auction off extravagant items such as yachts, luxury cars, and vacation homes. The items will go to whoever bids closest to the actual retail price without going over.
Piss Be with You :
The sudden rise in cases of swine flu throughout Europe has led an Italian man to invent an electric holy water dispenser for Catholic churches; because nothing says welcome to church like the feeling of God pissing on your hands.
Face-Book 'Em Danno :
A Brooklyn man avoided a jail sentence this week by proving that he could not have participated in an armed robbery because at the time he was updating his Facebook status. The Facebook status in question, read "Going to commit armed robbery... back in time for The Hills."
Have You Seen This? Have You Heard About This? :
The young woman who had an affair with ESPN's Steve Phillips has come out to defend her honor after she saw Jay Leno make a joke at her expense on his show. That's right, a woman who wants to be respected watches The Jay Leno Show.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
HEADLINES
Teenage Hindu Deity Turtles :
A small Hindu village in India is refusing to hand over an endangered species of turtle because they believe that it is the reincarnation of the God Jagannath. It's an honest mistake, as Jagannath was the God of extreme laziness.
I Do :
A New Jersey woman was amazed this week when her lost engagement ring was returned after being found amongst tons and tons of garbage in a large dump. Or more simply put, an engagement ring was found in New Jersey.
Dopin' :
After pictures surfaced of him looking strangely pale, former MLB great Sammy Sosa has adamantly denied reports that he underwent a skin lightening procedure. If history is any indication, this means that Sammy Sosa most certainly underwent a skin lightening procedure.
Go Ahead... Make my Day :
A judge in New Jersey has upheld a ruling to allow a quadriplegic man to own a gun for self defense. So if you're robbing a quadriplegic man in New Jersey and leave him enough time to voice activate his wheelchair in the direction of a gun, pivot, wheel at you, position the gun just right in his mouth, and pull the trigger with his tongue... Well you're shit out of luck.
A small Hindu village in India is refusing to hand over an endangered species of turtle because they believe that it is the reincarnation of the God Jagannath. It's an honest mistake, as Jagannath was the God of extreme laziness.
I Do :
A New Jersey woman was amazed this week when her lost engagement ring was returned after being found amongst tons and tons of garbage in a large dump. Or more simply put, an engagement ring was found in New Jersey.
Dopin' :
After pictures surfaced of him looking strangely pale, former MLB great Sammy Sosa has adamantly denied reports that he underwent a skin lightening procedure. If history is any indication, this means that Sammy Sosa most certainly underwent a skin lightening procedure.
Go Ahead... Make my Day :
A judge in New Jersey has upheld a ruling to allow a quadriplegic man to own a gun for self defense. So if you're robbing a quadriplegic man in New Jersey and leave him enough time to voice activate his wheelchair in the direction of a gun, pivot, wheel at you, position the gun just right in his mouth, and pull the trigger with his tongue... Well you're shit out of luck.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
HEADLINES
Gum Shoe :
Police in Connecticut have reported a substantial rise in the number of chewing gum thefts in convenient stores statewide. The authorities have no leads at the moment but hope to get some answers by water boarding a 1st grader.
Dream Off :
Reports are circulating that Steven Tyler will officially leave the band Aerosmith. "Oh no!" declared 1978.
Philly Blues :
Quarterback Michael Vick has stated that he's unhappy with his position on the Philadelphia Eagles and was not told that he would be used only in wildcat formations when he was signed. Said Vick, "If I wanted to get rear ended I would've stayed in prison."
Open Sesame :
The children's television program "Sesame Street" marked its 40th anniversary this week with a celebration including celebrity guests, classic sketches, and a much overdo intervention for Cookie Monster.
I'm working for a new website... Check it out --
outofcontext.com
Police in Connecticut have reported a substantial rise in the number of chewing gum thefts in convenient stores statewide. The authorities have no leads at the moment but hope to get some answers by water boarding a 1st grader.
Dream Off :
Reports are circulating that Steven Tyler will officially leave the band Aerosmith. "Oh no!" declared 1978.
Philly Blues :
Quarterback Michael Vick has stated that he's unhappy with his position on the Philadelphia Eagles and was not told that he would be used only in wildcat formations when he was signed. Said Vick, "If I wanted to get rear ended I would've stayed in prison."
Open Sesame :
The children's television program "Sesame Street" marked its 40th anniversary this week with a celebration including celebrity guests, classic sketches, and a much overdo intervention for Cookie Monster.
I'm working for a new website... Check it out --
outofcontext.com
Monday, November 9, 2009
HEADLINES
950th Times a Charm :
A 68 year old woman in South Korea passed her driving test this week after 950 previous failed attempts. She is now legally able to drive the shoulder, at 10 miles per hour, with her blinker on and her head dangerously close to the wheel.
Carnival 101 :
A female student in Brazil was suspended last week for dressing inappropriately after showing up to school in a pink mini dress. The student has apologized and has agreed to come to school in a bikini and sparkly feathered head dress like the rest of the girls.
Reading for Pleasure :
A teacher in Manhattan has been suspended after assigning his 11th grade class a short story about masturbation. Now that the assigned reading has been nullified, the 11th graders can spend more time masturbating.
Tear Down this Wall :
This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. In that 20 years there have been 5 United States Presidents, countless changes in the economic and social climate of Europe, and 22 cases of alcohol poisoning for David Hasselhoff.
A 68 year old woman in South Korea passed her driving test this week after 950 previous failed attempts. She is now legally able to drive the shoulder, at 10 miles per hour, with her blinker on and her head dangerously close to the wheel.
Carnival 101 :
A female student in Brazil was suspended last week for dressing inappropriately after showing up to school in a pink mini dress. The student has apologized and has agreed to come to school in a bikini and sparkly feathered head dress like the rest of the girls.
Reading for Pleasure :
A teacher in Manhattan has been suspended after assigning his 11th grade class a short story about masturbation. Now that the assigned reading has been nullified, the 11th graders can spend more time masturbating.
Tear Down this Wall :
This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. In that 20 years there have been 5 United States Presidents, countless changes in the economic and social climate of Europe, and 22 cases of alcohol poisoning for David Hasselhoff.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
HEADLINES
Jesus Christ! :
A Tennessee man is claiming that the face of Jesus Christ is continually appearing on the window of his truck. Even more amazing, Mary Magdalene is on his mud flaps.
Man Alive! The Man's Alive! :
Mourners were shocked yesterday when a Brazilian man showed up to what friends and family thought was his funeral after falsely identifying a corpse. There was rejoice, laughter, and the awkward task of ditching a stranger's corpse.
Take a Stab at It :
A Denver man who works at a Blockbuster reportedly stabbed himself this week and blamed it on skinheads to get out of work. The man has been arrested, and more importantly the good reputation of skinheads remains intact.
Miss Cali-Porn-Ia :
The former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who was suing the pageant committee for allegedly taking away her crown due to her views on gay marriage, dropped her lawsuit after the committee supposedly threatened to leak a sex tape of her. Prejean said if she wanted her sexuality exploited, mocked, and judged, she would join another beauty pageant.
A Tennessee man is claiming that the face of Jesus Christ is continually appearing on the window of his truck. Even more amazing, Mary Magdalene is on his mud flaps.
Man Alive! The Man's Alive! :
Mourners were shocked yesterday when a Brazilian man showed up to what friends and family thought was his funeral after falsely identifying a corpse. There was rejoice, laughter, and the awkward task of ditching a stranger's corpse.
Take a Stab at It :
A Denver man who works at a Blockbuster reportedly stabbed himself this week and blamed it on skinheads to get out of work. The man has been arrested, and more importantly the good reputation of skinheads remains intact.
Miss Cali-Porn-Ia :
The former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, who was suing the pageant committee for allegedly taking away her crown due to her views on gay marriage, dropped her lawsuit after the committee supposedly threatened to leak a sex tape of her. Prejean said if she wanted her sexuality exploited, mocked, and judged, she would join another beauty pageant.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Lieutenant Calf :
A calf in New Mexico who lost its hind legs in an accident several months ago was fitted with two prosthetic legs this week. The calf can now walk under its own strength to the slaughterhouse to become delicious veal.
Gloria in Excelsis Fido :
A Presbyterian church in California is now allowing its parishioners to bring their dogs to mass. This despite the well known fact that dogs are firm believers in transubstantiation.
Sesame Street Meat :
The famous children's educational series Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on air this week. "&*%^#$@!*&^%$#!" proclaimed Linda.
Brotherly Love :
Barack Obama's half-brother Mark, who has admittedly only met the President a handful of times, is releasing a tell all book about his relationship with his famous brother and their abusive father. The book will aptly be titled, "Ka-Ching!"*
*Onomatopoeia
A calf in New Mexico who lost its hind legs in an accident several months ago was fitted with two prosthetic legs this week. The calf can now walk under its own strength to the slaughterhouse to become delicious veal.
Gloria in Excelsis Fido :
A Presbyterian church in California is now allowing its parishioners to bring their dogs to mass. This despite the well known fact that dogs are firm believers in transubstantiation.
Sesame Street Meat :
The famous children's educational series Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on air this week. "&*%^#$@!*&^%$#!" proclaimed Linda.
Brotherly Love :
Barack Obama's half-brother Mark, who has admittedly only met the President a handful of times, is releasing a tell all book about his relationship with his famous brother and their abusive father. The book will aptly be titled, "Ka-Ching!"*
*Onomatopoeia
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Tune In, Turn On, Take a Drop :
This weekend, PGA golfer Doug Barron became the first golfer to ever test positive for drugs since the introduction of an anti-doping policy in 2008. John Daly called to congratulate Barron on a well fought battle.
Ground Control to Major Dumb :
A Spanish based company which has been planning the construction of a hotel in space for some years said that they will begin taking $4 million reservations as early as 2012. They ask that those interested form an orderly line behind David Bowie and Lance Bass.
Tranny Thieves :
Five transvestites in the Philippines have been arrested for drugging male tourists and robbing them. Said the transvestites' lawyer, "They don't have the balls to pull such a move."
Christian Values :
A 28 year old male employee of a Christian bookstore in California has been arrested for putting a spy camera in the women's restroom. In the man's defense, there are few things more arousing then a female patron of a Christian bookstore making number 2.
This weekend, PGA golfer Doug Barron became the first golfer to ever test positive for drugs since the introduction of an anti-doping policy in 2008. John Daly called to congratulate Barron on a well fought battle.
Ground Control to Major Dumb :
A Spanish based company which has been planning the construction of a hotel in space for some years said that they will begin taking $4 million reservations as early as 2012. They ask that those interested form an orderly line behind David Bowie and Lance Bass.
Tranny Thieves :
Five transvestites in the Philippines have been arrested for drugging male tourists and robbing them. Said the transvestites' lawyer, "They don't have the balls to pull such a move."
Christian Values :
A 28 year old male employee of a Christian bookstore in California has been arrested for putting a spy camera in the women's restroom. In the man's defense, there are few things more arousing then a female patron of a Christian bookstore making number 2.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
