HEADLINES

Limp Pole-and :
The Polish government has announced a new law that men who are arrested more than once for committing acts of pedophilia will be chemically castrated, which will finally answer the age old question, "How many Pollocks does it take to chemically castrate a repeat pedophile?"

Cannabis-consin :
After being pulled over for speeding this weekend, a woman in Wisconsin swallowed a bag of marijuana to avoid getting caught with it. The woman was arrested and brought to the police station after a quick and much needed stop at KFC.

Hardest Part About Rollerblading? :
A 43 year old Connecticut man has been charged with assault after getting into a heated argument with a 4 year old on a tricycle who cut him off while he was rollerblading. Luckily for the man, rollerbladers from Connecticut who assault children are pretty well respected in prison.

Ladies Night :
A renowned female psychologist is releasing a book this week entitled "Why Women Have Sex." Spoiler Alert, the answer is money.