The 549 Amigos :
549 mariachi musicians gathered in Guadalajara, Mexico on Sunday to break the world record for mariachis performing together. That was roughly 10,000 dishes which went unwashed.
Yellow Man Can't Jump :
A fight broke out at a Chinese basketball game last week after players claimed that a member of the opposing team's great height gave him an unfair advantage. The man in question stood a towering 5'9.
Detroit Cock-Block City :
A Detroit man was arrested this weekend after walking out on his blind date and stealing her car. To make matters worse he never called her back.
Public House :
The New York City public school system is working with an advertising agency to revamp the image of public schools with the creation of new inventive logos and eye catching slogans. Unfortunately, public school students are unable to read them.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
HEADLINES
Folsom Prison Green :
Through a miscommunication, more than 1,500 inmates across the United States received bailout checks from the United States government last week. The government immediately sought to rectify the issue by retrieving the money, however it was in the form of cigarettes, wine made in a toilet, and a 140 pound bitch named Miguel.
Beat Your Street Meat :
A New York City street vendor who has sold hot dogs in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art for years has been told to relocate by authorities. The man is distraught because no one likes wieners more than the men who attend the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Air Vick: Golden Receiver :
Michael Vick made his debut last night with the Philadelphia Eagles in a preseason game; the first action he's seen since being released from federal custody for dog fighting charges. It was a positive return for Vick, as he went 4 for 4, showed confident pocket presence, and didn't electrocute any canines.
Grateful (Almost) Dead :
Ang Lee's new film "Taking Woodstock" premiered this week in Los Angeles and amongst the many invitees were people who actually attended the famous concert in the summer of 1969. Most of them turned down the invite, however, as they didn't want to give up their prime sleeping spot on a street corner in San Francisco.
Through a miscommunication, more than 1,500 inmates across the United States received bailout checks from the United States government last week. The government immediately sought to rectify the issue by retrieving the money, however it was in the form of cigarettes, wine made in a toilet, and a 140 pound bitch named Miguel.
Beat Your Street Meat :
A New York City street vendor who has sold hot dogs in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art for years has been told to relocate by authorities. The man is distraught because no one likes wieners more than the men who attend the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Air Vick: Golden Receiver :
Michael Vick made his debut last night with the Philadelphia Eagles in a preseason game; the first action he's seen since being released from federal custody for dog fighting charges. It was a positive return for Vick, as he went 4 for 4, showed confident pocket presence, and didn't electrocute any canines.
Grateful (Almost) Dead :
Ang Lee's new film "Taking Woodstock" premiered this week in Los Angeles and amongst the many invitees were people who actually attended the famous concert in the summer of 1969. Most of them turned down the invite, however, as they didn't want to give up their prime sleeping spot on a street corner in San Francisco.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
HEADLINES
Shiit-ing on the Black Eyed Peas :
Muslims have been banned from attending a Black Eyed Peas concert which will take place later this month in Malaysia. Authorities said that they will investigate the ban as soon as someone complains.
Mmmm... African Homer :
An advertising agency in the African nation of Angola has launched a nationwide campaign depicting the American cartoon family the Simpsons as black. The effectiveness of the campaign has inspired the agency to depict other American icons as black, starting with Will Smith.
Portrait - Book :
CNN reports that a growing trend on the online social network Facebook is people putting personal portraits up as a profile picture in lieu of a photograph. Did you hear that females with a pretty face who are 20 to 30 pounds overweight? There's hope for you yet!
Step on It! :
Earlier this week, a New Jersey man robbed a bank then proceeded to run outside and hail a cab to get away. The man, who was later arrested, said "I mistimed the bus schedule."
Muslims have been banned from attending a Black Eyed Peas concert which will take place later this month in Malaysia. Authorities said that they will investigate the ban as soon as someone complains.
Mmmm... African Homer :
An advertising agency in the African nation of Angola has launched a nationwide campaign depicting the American cartoon family the Simpsons as black. The effectiveness of the campaign has inspired the agency to depict other American icons as black, starting with Will Smith.
Portrait - Book :
CNN reports that a growing trend on the online social network Facebook is people putting personal portraits up as a profile picture in lieu of a photograph. Did you hear that females with a pretty face who are 20 to 30 pounds overweight? There's hope for you yet!
Step on It! :
Earlier this week, a New Jersey man robbed a bank then proceeded to run outside and hail a cab to get away. The man, who was later arrested, said "I mistimed the bus schedule."
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
HEADLINES
J-E-T-S, Papi!!! :
New York Jets' head coach Rex Ryan announced this morning that Mexican-American rookie Mark Sanchez will be the Jets starting quarterback for the upcoming NFL season. In other outsourcing news, five Pakistani men in wireless headsets will be replacing the Jets' offensive line.
Crikey! :
Reuters reports that through a glitch in the legal system, it will not be illegal to sell pornography to minors in the United Kingdom during the next three months, sending pre-teen British boys into a frenzy. Allegedly the United Kingdom has not yet acquired the internet.
Aggravated Splashing :
A Chicago woman is suing a local zoo after being splashed by a dolphin during an outdoor water exhibit. In related news, a horse is being sued for indecent exposure.
Who Needs a Mini Bar? :
All week the New York Post has been reporting on a posh hotel in the meat packing district of Manhattan where people have gathered to see naked tenants on display in the floor to ceiling windows. Today the Post reports that building management has encouraged tenants to strike provocative poses, but have drawn the line at meat packing.
New York Jets' head coach Rex Ryan announced this morning that Mexican-American rookie Mark Sanchez will be the Jets starting quarterback for the upcoming NFL season. In other outsourcing news, five Pakistani men in wireless headsets will be replacing the Jets' offensive line.
Crikey! :
Reuters reports that through a glitch in the legal system, it will not be illegal to sell pornography to minors in the United Kingdom during the next three months, sending pre-teen British boys into a frenzy. Allegedly the United Kingdom has not yet acquired the internet.
Aggravated Splashing :
A Chicago woman is suing a local zoo after being splashed by a dolphin during an outdoor water exhibit. In related news, a horse is being sued for indecent exposure.
Who Needs a Mini Bar? :
All week the New York Post has been reporting on a posh hotel in the meat packing district of Manhattan where people have gathered to see naked tenants on display in the floor to ceiling windows. Today the Post reports that building management has encouraged tenants to strike provocative poses, but have drawn the line at meat packing.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
MEGA-HEADLINES
Wall Street to Easy Street :
The NY Post published an article yesterday about a man who left his position on Wall Street to drive a New York City cab, in which he attempts to sell his screenplay to wealthy passengers. Unfortunately his attempts have failed such far, possibly because he screams the script synopsis in Creole into his blue tooth.
My Heart Will Go On (Unfortunately) :
Celine Dion announced earlier this week that she and her husband are expecting their second child. That's right, there will be another person who hates Celine Dion.
Five Jacksons, One Cup :
It has been announced that Michael Jackson will be buried on August 29th, about two and a half months after passing away in his California home. This is pretty typical, as in life Michael used to wait until boys were about two and a half months before burying himself in them.
Dude Looks Like a Lady (But More Like a Dude) :
An African runner who has been competing against woman to qualify for the next Summer Olympics has been ordered to take a gender test by the Olympic Committee. The Olympic Committee became suspicious of the athlete when her penis failed to clear the second hurdle.
What the Crack? :
A Massachusetts woman has been arrested after police found 19 bags of crack hidden in her bra. The authorities knew something was awry after Bobby Brown was discovered motor boating her for upwards of an hour.
From Russia with Gold :
During these hard economic times, Russian people have become outraged after discovering that a high ranking government official has ordered a bed made of solid gold. The official has admitted to ludicrous spending and will return the bed and spend the money on vodka as expected.
Pele Melee :
A 23 year old Wyoming woman who was volunteering at a hospital has been arrested for punching a 13 year old mentally challenged, wheel chair bound patient during a friendly game of soccer. In the woman's defense the boy may have taken an exaggerated flop to get a call.
Tonight on the L Train - Live Nudes :
A 19 year old New York woman stripped naked on the L train yesterday and performed an exotic pole dance for many confused riders. In related news there has been a strange outbreak of chlamydia on New Yorker's hands.
The NY Post published an article yesterday about a man who left his position on Wall Street to drive a New York City cab, in which he attempts to sell his screenplay to wealthy passengers. Unfortunately his attempts have failed such far, possibly because he screams the script synopsis in Creole into his blue tooth.
My Heart Will Go On (Unfortunately) :
Celine Dion announced earlier this week that she and her husband are expecting their second child. That's right, there will be another person who hates Celine Dion.
Five Jacksons, One Cup :
It has been announced that Michael Jackson will be buried on August 29th, about two and a half months after passing away in his California home. This is pretty typical, as in life Michael used to wait until boys were about two and a half months before burying himself in them.
Dude Looks Like a Lady (But More Like a Dude) :
An African runner who has been competing against woman to qualify for the next Summer Olympics has been ordered to take a gender test by the Olympic Committee. The Olympic Committee became suspicious of the athlete when her penis failed to clear the second hurdle.
What the Crack? :
A Massachusetts woman has been arrested after police found 19 bags of crack hidden in her bra. The authorities knew something was awry after Bobby Brown was discovered motor boating her for upwards of an hour.
From Russia with Gold :
During these hard economic times, Russian people have become outraged after discovering that a high ranking government official has ordered a bed made of solid gold. The official has admitted to ludicrous spending and will return the bed and spend the money on vodka as expected.
Pele Melee :
A 23 year old Wyoming woman who was volunteering at a hospital has been arrested for punching a 13 year old mentally challenged, wheel chair bound patient during a friendly game of soccer. In the woman's defense the boy may have taken an exaggerated flop to get a call.
Tonight on the L Train - Live Nudes :
A 19 year old New York woman stripped naked on the L train yesterday and performed an exotic pole dance for many confused riders. In related news there has been a strange outbreak of chlamydia on New Yorker's hands.
Monday, August 17, 2009
HEADLINES
Italia Computer Faila :
A glitch on a four star Roman hotel's computer system made it possible to book rooms this weekend for 1 cent a night. The glitch is expected to bring a low brow tourist base to Rome who will spend three days looking for the Olive Garden.
Elephant in the Room :
A French tourist in India was killed this week after being trampled to death by a stampeding elephant. In related news, Indian elephants have been rated better hosts than the French.
Pyro Zero :
A 29 year old Japanese man was arrested for burning his mother's house to the ground after she threw away his collection of action figures. The man faces jail time where he will be deprived of life outside, friends, and the touch of a woman ... so pretty much nothing will change.
Burn One (Million) Down :
It is expected that the wildfires which destroyed nearly 80,000 acres of land in southern California this past week began with the ignition of a large illegal marijuana growing field. Said the first responders, "An entire galaxy can exist on the back of your hand, man... do you have gorditas?"
A glitch on a four star Roman hotel's computer system made it possible to book rooms this weekend for 1 cent a night. The glitch is expected to bring a low brow tourist base to Rome who will spend three days looking for the Olive Garden.
Elephant in the Room :
A French tourist in India was killed this week after being trampled to death by a stampeding elephant. In related news, Indian elephants have been rated better hosts than the French.
Pyro Zero :
A 29 year old Japanese man was arrested for burning his mother's house to the ground after she threw away his collection of action figures. The man faces jail time where he will be deprived of life outside, friends, and the touch of a woman ... so pretty much nothing will change.
Burn One (Million) Down :
It is expected that the wildfires which destroyed nearly 80,000 acres of land in southern California this past week began with the ignition of a large illegal marijuana growing field. Said the first responders, "An entire galaxy can exist on the back of your hand, man... do you have gorditas?"
Thursday, August 13, 2009
HEADLINES
The Reta...SPECIAL Olympics :
Eunice Kennedy Shriver, the sister of John and Robert Kennedy, and founder of the Special Olympics will be laid to rest this afternoon. As a tribute to her life and legacy, her funeral will be attended by family, friends, and assholes looking for a cheap laugh.
Cock(tail) n' Roll :
For the 35th annual World Cocktail Championship, 1,000 bartenders from 52 countries traveled to Berlin this past weekend to show off their skills and compete for the title. With 1,000 bartenders present, guys still had to wait 20 minutes for a drink.
Justice is Served ... with Salsa :
In celebration of Judge Sonia Sotomayor's appointment to the Supreme Court, officials in her hometown of the Bronx are planning a lavish celebration as a tribute. Ruth Bader Ginsberg will bring chips and salsa, and Antonin Scalia will bring good judgment and an understanding of the Constitution.
Across 110th Street :
Former President Bill Clinton recently worked with the people at Zagat to put together a collection of tourist attractions to see in Harlem while visiting New York City. So pick up a copy of Zagat if you're in the Harlem area and looking for a $5 blow job.
Eunice Kennedy Shriver, the sister of John and Robert Kennedy, and founder of the Special Olympics will be laid to rest this afternoon. As a tribute to her life and legacy, her funeral will be attended by family, friends, and assholes looking for a cheap laugh.
Cock(tail) n' Roll :
For the 35th annual World Cocktail Championship, 1,000 bartenders from 52 countries traveled to Berlin this past weekend to show off their skills and compete for the title. With 1,000 bartenders present, guys still had to wait 20 minutes for a drink.
Justice is Served ... with Salsa :
In celebration of Judge Sonia Sotomayor's appointment to the Supreme Court, officials in her hometown of the Bronx are planning a lavish celebration as a tribute. Ruth Bader Ginsberg will bring chips and salsa, and Antonin Scalia will bring good judgment and an understanding of the Constitution.
Across 110th Street :
Former President Bill Clinton recently worked with the people at Zagat to put together a collection of tourist attractions to see in Harlem while visiting New York City. So pick up a copy of Zagat if you're in the Harlem area and looking for a $5 blow job.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
HEADLINES
Deer Lord :
The World Wildlife Fund has confirmed the discovery of a new species of deer weighing only 25 pounds and measuring 20 inches from shoulder to shoulder. The biggest benefit of the new species is the ease it will take suburbanites to scrape it off their bumpers.
The Twitter is Full :
Billionaire New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has begun to tweet in an attempt to stay in contact with and relate to the people of New York City, because what New Yorker can't relate to - "Puttin' new rims on the Rolls Royce, then off to the pad in Corsica for the weekend, l8r!!!"
Wedding Gowns Syndrome :
A Chinese bride broke world records this weekend by walking down the aisle in a custom made wedding gown with a train that was 1.2 miles. The blushing bride then retreated to the honeymoon suite where her new Chinese husband showed off his 1.2 inches.
Let's Get Ready to ... Decrease Our Sugar!!! :
WWE wrestler turned actor Duane "The Rock" Johnson has launched a campaign to help bring an end to diabetes. The Rock will face off against diabetes in a steel cage next month in a no holds barred, ladder match for only $35 on Pay-Per-View.
The World Wildlife Fund has confirmed the discovery of a new species of deer weighing only 25 pounds and measuring 20 inches from shoulder to shoulder. The biggest benefit of the new species is the ease it will take suburbanites to scrape it off their bumpers.
The Twitter is Full :
Billionaire New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has begun to tweet in an attempt to stay in contact with and relate to the people of New York City, because what New Yorker can't relate to - "Puttin' new rims on the Rolls Royce, then off to the pad in Corsica for the weekend, l8r!!!"
Wedding Gowns Syndrome :
A Chinese bride broke world records this weekend by walking down the aisle in a custom made wedding gown with a train that was 1.2 miles. The blushing bride then retreated to the honeymoon suite where her new Chinese husband showed off his 1.2 inches.
Let's Get Ready to ... Decrease Our Sugar!!! :
WWE wrestler turned actor Duane "The Rock" Johnson has launched a campaign to help bring an end to diabetes. The Rock will face off against diabetes in a steel cage next month in a no holds barred, ladder match for only $35 on Pay-Per-View.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
HEADLINES
Brown Acid Reflux :
This weekend marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Woodstock Music Festival in upstate New York. Attendees of the 1969 concert commemorated the event with a 15 second moment of silence, then went back to pumping my gas.
It's Hard Out There for a Shrimp :
A New York man is suing Costco for buying a pre-packaged shrimp cocktail platter that weighed 13.5 ounces and not 15 ounces as advertised. Going forth with the case is almost as bad of an idea as buying pre-packaged seafood at Costco.
Let's Get Sauced :
Inmates at a Florida penitentiary have begun to market a hot sauce which they make themselves from peppers that they harvest in the jailhouse yard. If it's not the best hot sauce you've tasted, you'll get a full cash refund and a cap in your ass.
Secretary of Hate :
During a goodwill tour of Africa on Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a student in the Congo who implied that Clinton "channeled" her decisions through her husband Bill. Hillary made clear that the only things she's ever channeled from Bill were Chelsea and an open sore on her lip.
This weekend marked the 40th anniversary of the historic Woodstock Music Festival in upstate New York. Attendees of the 1969 concert commemorated the event with a 15 second moment of silence, then went back to pumping my gas.
It's Hard Out There for a Shrimp :
A New York man is suing Costco for buying a pre-packaged shrimp cocktail platter that weighed 13.5 ounces and not 15 ounces as advertised. Going forth with the case is almost as bad of an idea as buying pre-packaged seafood at Costco.
Let's Get Sauced :
Inmates at a Florida penitentiary have begun to market a hot sauce which they make themselves from peppers that they harvest in the jailhouse yard. If it's not the best hot sauce you've tasted, you'll get a full cash refund and a cap in your ass.
Secretary of Hate :
During a goodwill tour of Africa on Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a student in the Congo who implied that Clinton "channeled" her decisions through her husband Bill. Hillary made clear that the only things she's ever channeled from Bill were Chelsea and an open sore on her lip.
Monday, August 10, 2009
HEADLINES
Have Your Bear Spayed or Neutered :
Bob Barker began a campaign last week to have several black bears currently in poorly kept Florida zoos re-released into the wild. Barker feels that the bears need freedom, the comfort of living amongst their own, and A NEW CAR!!!
Lady's Night - Men Bone Free :
A bar in Long Island was shut down this weekend after it was discovered that the managers were trafficking Brazilian prostitutes to bar patrons. Authorities became suspicious of the establishment when they noticed guidos actually leaving with women.
Cuban Shiiiiit :
The government of Cuba has announced that as a result of its struggling economy, they are going to run out of a sufficient amount of toilet paper by the end of 2009. The Communist nation is already in the course of drafting a plan to share a single square... watch out for taco night.
If You Remember the 60s ... You're Now a Functioning Member of Society :
The historic Woodstock Music Festival celebrated its 40th anniversary this past weekend. Attendees of the 1969 concert commemorated the occasion with family, friends, and a 9 foot tie-dye rabbit.
Bob Barker began a campaign last week to have several black bears currently in poorly kept Florida zoos re-released into the wild. Barker feels that the bears need freedom, the comfort of living amongst their own, and A NEW CAR!!!
Lady's Night - Men Bone Free :
A bar in Long Island was shut down this weekend after it was discovered that the managers were trafficking Brazilian prostitutes to bar patrons. Authorities became suspicious of the establishment when they noticed guidos actually leaving with women.
Cuban Shiiiiit :
The government of Cuba has announced that as a result of its struggling economy, they are going to run out of a sufficient amount of toilet paper by the end of 2009. The Communist nation is already in the course of drafting a plan to share a single square... watch out for taco night.
If You Remember the 60s ... You're Now a Functioning Member of Society :
The historic Woodstock Music Festival celebrated its 40th anniversary this past weekend. Attendees of the 1969 concert commemorated the occasion with family, friends, and a 9 foot tie-dye rabbit.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
HEADLINES
American Idol Worship :
Earlier this week Paula Abdul announced that she was leaving American Idol by tweeting, "With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to Idol." I'd take the announcement with a grain of salt, however, as 30 minutes earlier she tweeted, "With vodka in my blood stream, I've decided to snort this zany bar."
Putin on the Ritz :
Russian President Vladimir Putin has recently released images of himself on vacation in which he is bare chested and riding a horse. The pictures confirm that Putin has the best chest of a world political leader since Margaret Thatcher.
From Boxing to Box-Waxing :
British boxer Rob Newbiggin has recently announced his decision to undergo a sex change operation to become a woman at which point he will attempt to get a license as a female boxer. While many in the boxing world think this is a horrible idea, Newbiggin would be the only female boxer with no testicles.
Slick Willy Style :
Two Asian-American journalists who were in prison for trespassing in North Korea arrived home yesterday after Bill Clinton flew to North Korea and dealt with feared dictator Kim Jong-Il. While the two women say there is no way they can possibly repay Clinton, they've decided to show their gratitude with a pedicure and free dry cleaning for a year.
Earlier this week Paula Abdul announced that she was leaving American Idol by tweeting, "With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to Idol." I'd take the announcement with a grain of salt, however, as 30 minutes earlier she tweeted, "With vodka in my blood stream, I've decided to snort this zany bar."
Putin on the Ritz :
Russian President Vladimir Putin has recently released images of himself on vacation in which he is bare chested and riding a horse. The pictures confirm that Putin has the best chest of a world political leader since Margaret Thatcher.
From Boxing to Box-Waxing :
British boxer Rob Newbiggin has recently announced his decision to undergo a sex change operation to become a woman at which point he will attempt to get a license as a female boxer. While many in the boxing world think this is a horrible idea, Newbiggin would be the only female boxer with no testicles.
Slick Willy Style :
Two Asian-American journalists who were in prison for trespassing in North Korea arrived home yesterday after Bill Clinton flew to North Korea and dealt with feared dictator Kim Jong-Il. While the two women say there is no way they can possibly repay Clinton, they've decided to show their gratitude with a pedicure and free dry cleaning for a year.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
HEADLINES
Student Groans :
An unemployed New York woman is suing her former college for $70,000, on the grounds that she was guaranteed a diploma would lead to employment. This story has inspired a man to sue the Men's Warehouse, because he didn't "like the way he looked."
Lish Lash :
A woman in Sudan has been charged with 40 lashes after being caught in public wearing trousers, an infraction labeled as "public indecency." In related news, a Sudanese woman caught wearing a skirt will be shot in the face.
The Price of Kin :
A recent study has shown that to raise a child from infancy until they are 18 will cost a family a little bit over $290,000. That is unless you're Michael Douglas, in which case that money will go towards bail alone.
Shiza Surprisa :
A rock festival in Germany has put a ban on kissing to control the spread of germs amongst festival intendees. A simple Google search, however, will show you that when it comes to Germans and the spread of germs, kissing is the very least of their problems.
An unemployed New York woman is suing her former college for $70,000, on the grounds that she was guaranteed a diploma would lead to employment. This story has inspired a man to sue the Men's Warehouse, because he didn't "like the way he looked."
Lish Lash :
A woman in Sudan has been charged with 40 lashes after being caught in public wearing trousers, an infraction labeled as "public indecency." In related news, a Sudanese woman caught wearing a skirt will be shot in the face.
The Price of Kin :
A recent study has shown that to raise a child from infancy until they are 18 will cost a family a little bit over $290,000. That is unless you're Michael Douglas, in which case that money will go towards bail alone.
Shiza Surprisa :
A rock festival in Germany has put a ban on kissing to control the spread of germs amongst festival intendees. A simple Google search, however, will show you that when it comes to Germans and the spread of germs, kissing is the very least of their problems.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Daze of Glory :
It is expected that later today the Arena Football League will declare bankruptcy bringing an end to its 22 year existence. Philadelphia Storm owner Jon Bon Jovi said he's going to use the extra time to focus on his soccer mom haircut.
Just Zoo It :
An Ohio family successfully completed a goal of visiting 52 zoos in 52 weeks across the United States this past week. When asked what their motivation was, they responded "an excuse to leave Ohio."
Rusky Flusky :
The Russian government has told residents who will be traveling outside the country to consume whiskey, because they think it serves as a cure for swine flu. In related news, the entire nation of Ireland is still free from swine flu.
Mister Frost-cheese :
A Long Island man has been arrested for using his job at the ice cream shop "Mister Frostee" as a cover to sell cocaine to customers. Police became suspicious of the establishment when Lindsay Lohan became a 9 times a week customer.
It is expected that later today the Arena Football League will declare bankruptcy bringing an end to its 22 year existence. Philadelphia Storm owner Jon Bon Jovi said he's going to use the extra time to focus on his soccer mom haircut.
Just Zoo It :
An Ohio family successfully completed a goal of visiting 52 zoos in 52 weeks across the United States this past week. When asked what their motivation was, they responded "an excuse to leave Ohio."
Rusky Flusky :
The Russian government has told residents who will be traveling outside the country to consume whiskey, because they think it serves as a cure for swine flu. In related news, the entire nation of Ireland is still free from swine flu.
Mister Frost-cheese :
A Long Island man has been arrested for using his job at the ice cream shop "Mister Frostee" as a cover to sell cocaine to customers. Police became suspicious of the establishment when Lindsay Lohan became a 9 times a week customer.
Monday, August 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Hold the Pickles :
A 72 year old Michigan woman retired last week after working at a McDonald's for four decades. The woman was honored with a gold watch, plaque, and 250 cholesterol level.
Make it Rain :
A New York City sandwich shop was shutdown last week after it was discovered that after hours it doubled as an exclusive strip club. Authorities became suspicious of the shop when the "Everything" came with a dirty thong and 8 crumpled singles.
Bite Me :
A Walmart employee was bitten this weekend after he attempted to stop a shoplifter. Lucky the victim was able to get 500 band aids and 6 tubes of neosporin for $9.99.
Slang Loose :
UCLA's annual slang dictionary was released this week and features the word "Obama" as a euphemism for cool or hip as in "that's so Obama." In related news look for "Biden" under euphemisms for idiot with hair plugs.
A 72 year old Michigan woman retired last week after working at a McDonald's for four decades. The woman was honored with a gold watch, plaque, and 250 cholesterol level.
Make it Rain :
A New York City sandwich shop was shutdown last week after it was discovered that after hours it doubled as an exclusive strip club. Authorities became suspicious of the shop when the "Everything" came with a dirty thong and 8 crumpled singles.
Bite Me :
A Walmart employee was bitten this weekend after he attempted to stop a shoplifter. Lucky the victim was able to get 500 band aids and 6 tubes of neosporin for $9.99.
Slang Loose :
UCLA's annual slang dictionary was released this week and features the word "Obama" as a euphemism for cool or hip as in "that's so Obama." In related news look for "Biden" under euphemisms for idiot with hair plugs.
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