HEADLINES

Jesse and the Rapers :
Actor John Stamos found himself in the headlines this week following allegations of sexual contact with an underage girl and alleged records that can prove it. While the records don't actually show Stamos, it's easy to tell it's him as he proclaims, "Have Mercy" at the point of climax.

The Garfield Special :
A supermarket chain in England has begun selling pre-packaged Lasagna sandwiches in an attempt to bring more culture to their food selection. The sandwiches will be located between the baked ziti parfaits and meatball juice.

Cock of the Walk :
A team of university scientists have come to the definitive conclusion that the chicken came before the egg. Now the team is off to unravel other age old mysteries such as, why did the pot call the kettle black?

That's All Folks! :
Two men were escorted out of a Six Flags theme park in Illinois this week after beating up a female employee dressed as Porky Pig. While no motive has been discovered, all signs point to ever growing hatred toward those with speech impediments.

HEADLINES

A & Effed :
An Abercrombie & Fitch affiliate store in New York had to be shut down this weekend due to a bed bug infestation. The tragic outcome - countless middle school lacrosse players walking to practice without shell necklaces.

Mean Girls v Aryan Nation :
Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in prison today after continually failing to observe the details of several probational sentences. This is big news for Miss Lohan as she hasn't been obligated to be anywhere for 90 days since the wrap of Herbie: Fully Loaded.

The Barber of Tehran :
The government of Iran made it illegal this week for males to sport mullets, so welcome to Iran jheri curls!

Twilight Blown :
This weekend the third installment of the Twilight series grossed $175 million at the box office. Even more impressive, 80 million 14 year old boys experienced their first over the pants hand jobs.

HEADLINES

Gotta Hand it Toe Her :
A New York woman who lost her thumbs in a firework accident earlier this year, successfully had her big toes transplanted in their place. It's a win/win situation, as the woman can maintain activity of her thumbs, and she has cheese on hand at all times.

The Worldwide Leader in Sperm :
The controversial website BeautifulPeople.com is now offering sperm and egg donations from "beautiful" people with a promise of beautiful offspring. They're so confident in their product, if you're not happy with the results, the partial birth abortion is free!

Camel Filters :
A zoo in Quebec saved face Monday after recovering two camels which had escaped from a truck last Friday. The camels were found attempting to cross the US border in overcoats, fake mustaches, and fedoras.

The Safety France :
The highly touted French soccer team was officially eliminated from World Cup play today after being beaten by South Africa. The French should have just followed their nation's motto, "Surrender at all Costs."

HEADLINES

What's All This, Meow? :
An arrest warrant has been issued after a home inspection in Wisconsin uncovered a refrigerator with over 100 dead cats inside. Responded the home's owner with a shrug, "I'm just more of a dog guy."

Speling Erorr :
The locals of Stoughton, Wisconsin are up in arms after seeing that their town's name is misspelled on a $1.2 million dollar water tower with the artist having omitted the "T." Thankfully the town long ago dropped its original name, "Pentis."

Mark Zuckerberg Likes This :
Newly released documents reveal that the online social network Facebook made $800 million in profit in 2009. Adult Friend Finder made $50.75 in small combs and pubic shampoo.

Uh-Oh! :
15 million pounds of Spaghetti-Os were recalled by Campbell's soup and pulled off of shelves this week following reports that the product was tainted. In related news "Italian Night" was cancelled in every trailer park in America.

HEADLINES

Schooner? Damn Near Killed 'Er :
Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old California girl attempting to sail solo around the world had to be rescued from the Indian Ocean this week. Abby demonstrated tremendous courage and maturity on her way to ultimately proving what has long been suspected - girls are terrible at everything.

American Stalker :
A former military man was sentenced to 2 years in prison today after being convicted of stalking Ryan Seacrest. Randy said the sentence didn't really work for him, Paula said he looked gorgeous as always, and Simon said it sounded like a sentence given on a cruise ship.

Neverland Dance :
The creators of Guitar Hero and Rock Band have announced plans to release a Michael Jackson themed video game within the next year. The game is intended to be the first in a series of "first person molesters."

Dean of Cool :
Jimmy Dean passed away this week at the age of 81. Dean's name will always be synonymous with country music, charity, and the that microwavable breakfast sandwich from Wawa which gave you diarrhea during that road trip.

HEADLINES

Don't Want No Short People :
A medical study has found that heart ailments are directly correlated to a person's height with short people having a much greater chance of suffering a heart attack. "I knew it!" shouted Randy Newman.*

Steamy Arabian Nights :
A recently opened sex shop in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain is doing exceptionally well despite the strict religious views of the native Muslim peoples. Let's face it who can resist the sight of a woman in a negligee revealing her wrists.

Man's Ugliest Friend :
A dog named Miss Ellie who held the title of "World's Ugliest Dog" passed away this week at the age of 17. Miss Ellie's remains were salvaged by a local Chinese eatery at which point she earned the title of "World's Most Delicious Egg Roll."

Wax On :
The remake of The Karate Kid dominated the box office this weekend pulling in $56 million. That wasn't the only great news for the franchise, as Ralph Macchio made a $5.60 tip Saturday night at Ruby Tuesdays.

* Fascinating Man

HEADLINES

Beach Tits :

A group of post-op transvestites in Delaware staged a protest earlier this week to gain the right to sunbathe topless on state beaches. Eyewitnesses said if you listened close enough, you could hear their grandfathers rolling in their graves.

Blue Mountains of Justice :

A 32 year old Florida man made headlines this week after calling 9-1-1 on his mother for stealing his beer. The man was given a warning for abusing 9-1-1 - his mother was beaten, tazed, and held without bail.

King of the World? :

A spokesman from British Petroleum has announced that despite reports to the contrary, filmmaker James Cameron will not be contacted to help them stop the oil leak off the Gulf Coast. It's a wise move, as Cameron would likely learn the ways of the oil, befriend it, then lead it in an epic battle against us.

Soda Poop :

A New Jersey teen who confessed to defecating in a classmate's soda during shop class was sentenced to one year probation this week - a lenient sentence because the judge didn't want to destroy his future - because the future is clearly bright for a young man who defecates in another's soft drink.