HEADLINES

Give a Dog a Bone :
An 81 year old Queens man is suing a bar he frequents after tripping over an unleashed dog and causing injuries which he claims have ruined his sex life. In the bar's defense, the sex life of an 81 year old man who frequents a bar could be ruined by a strong wind.

Rocky Topped Off :
A Tennessee man was arrested yesterday morning after being found passed out in a ditch on the side of the highway with a bottle of moonshine and a shotgun. It goes without saying, in prison the man hopes to get conjugal visits from his sister.

Big Johnston :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's granddaughter, is currently writing a tell-all memoir which he says he hopes will be adapted into a movie. The working title of the film is, The Hockey Playing Hick Who Didn't Wear a Condom and Now is Relevant For Some Reason.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew :
Students at a Massachusetts high school have been banned from using the Muppet Beeker's catchphrase "Meep!" in class after yelling it repeatedly to interrupt teachers during class. Responded one student, "Wakka! Wakka!"