HEADLINES

Driving While Pre-Pubescent :
Authorities in Nebraska pulled over a suspected drunk driver last night only to find that the inebriated driver in question was a 12 year old boy who was well over the legal limit for an adult. In the boy's defense he was just laid off, his wife left him, and he got a C on a spelling test.

The Great In-scape :
An ex-convict in Florida was arrested this past weekend for attempting to break back into the penitentiary where he was previously incarcerated. Initial reports suspect that the man was simply attempting to partake in a booty call with a past acquaintance.

Next Stop, Neverland :
A politician in Brooklyn is fighting to turn a specific subway stop into a memorial for the late Michael Jackson. The subway stop in question is seedy and no place where you'd trust a child alone, so basically all it's missing is a commemorative plaque.

Justice is Blind (and Stupid) :
Shamed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced plans to give a lecture series at the City College of New York on the topic of Political Science. Governor David Paterson tried to stop by and offer his words of wisdom to the class, but unfortunately he was simply speaking very loudly in a White Castle.