HEADLINES

Jesse and the Rapers :
Actor John Stamos found himself in the headlines this week following allegations of sexual contact with an underage girl and alleged records that can prove it. While the records don't actually show Stamos, it's easy to tell it's him as he proclaims, "Have Mercy" at the point of climax.

The Garfield Special :
A supermarket chain in England has begun selling pre-packaged Lasagna sandwiches in an attempt to bring more culture to their food selection. The sandwiches will be located between the baked ziti parfaits and meatball juice.

Cock of the Walk :
A team of university scientists have come to the definitive conclusion that the chicken came before the egg. Now the team is off to unravel other age old mysteries such as, why did the pot call the kettle black?

That's All Folks! :
Two men were escorted out of a Six Flags theme park in Illinois this week after beating up a female employee dressed as Porky Pig. While no motive has been discovered, all signs point to ever growing hatred toward those with speech impediments.

HEADLINES

A & Effed :
An Abercrombie & Fitch affiliate store in New York had to be shut down this weekend due to a bed bug infestation. The tragic outcome - countless middle school lacrosse players walking to practice without shell necklaces.

Mean Girls v Aryan Nation :
Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in prison today after continually failing to observe the details of several probational sentences. This is big news for Miss Lohan as she hasn't been obligated to be anywhere for 90 days since the wrap of Herbie: Fully Loaded.

The Barber of Tehran :
The government of Iran made it illegal this week for males to sport mullets, so welcome to Iran jheri curls!

Twilight Blown :
This weekend the third installment of the Twilight series grossed $175 million at the box office. Even more impressive, 80 million 14 year old boys experienced their first over the pants hand jobs.

HEADLINES

Gotta Hand it Toe Her :
A New York woman who lost her thumbs in a firework accident earlier this year, successfully had her big toes transplanted in their place. It's a win/win situation, as the woman can maintain activity of her thumbs, and she has cheese on hand at all times.

The Worldwide Leader in Sperm :
The controversial website BeautifulPeople.com is now offering sperm and egg donations from "beautiful" people with a promise of beautiful offspring. They're so confident in their product, if you're not happy with the results, the partial birth abortion is free!

Camel Filters :
A zoo in Quebec saved face Monday after recovering two camels which had escaped from a truck last Friday. The camels were found attempting to cross the US border in overcoats, fake mustaches, and fedoras.

The Safety France :
The highly touted French soccer team was officially eliminated from World Cup play today after being beaten by South Africa. The French should have just followed their nation's motto, "Surrender at all Costs."

HEADLINES

What's All This, Meow? :
An arrest warrant has been issued after a home inspection in Wisconsin uncovered a refrigerator with over 100 dead cats inside. Responded the home's owner with a shrug, "I'm just more of a dog guy."

Speling Erorr :
The locals of Stoughton, Wisconsin are up in arms after seeing that their town's name is misspelled on a $1.2 million dollar water tower with the artist having omitted the "T." Thankfully the town long ago dropped its original name, "Pentis."

Mark Zuckerberg Likes This :
Newly released documents reveal that the online social network Facebook made $800 million in profit in 2009. Adult Friend Finder made $50.75 in small combs and pubic shampoo.

Uh-Oh! :
15 million pounds of Spaghetti-Os were recalled by Campbell's soup and pulled off of shelves this week following reports that the product was tainted. In related news "Italian Night" was cancelled in every trailer park in America.

HEADLINES

Schooner? Damn Near Killed 'Er :
Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old California girl attempting to sail solo around the world had to be rescued from the Indian Ocean this week. Abby demonstrated tremendous courage and maturity on her way to ultimately proving what has long been suspected - girls are terrible at everything.

American Stalker :
A former military man was sentenced to 2 years in prison today after being convicted of stalking Ryan Seacrest. Randy said the sentence didn't really work for him, Paula said he looked gorgeous as always, and Simon said it sounded like a sentence given on a cruise ship.

Neverland Dance :
The creators of Guitar Hero and Rock Band have announced plans to release a Michael Jackson themed video game within the next year. The game is intended to be the first in a series of "first person molesters."

Dean of Cool :
Jimmy Dean passed away this week at the age of 81. Dean's name will always be synonymous with country music, charity, and the that microwavable breakfast sandwich from Wawa which gave you diarrhea during that road trip.

HEADLINES

Don't Want No Short People :
A medical study has found that heart ailments are directly correlated to a person's height with short people having a much greater chance of suffering a heart attack. "I knew it!" shouted Randy Newman.*

Steamy Arabian Nights :
A recently opened sex shop in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain is doing exceptionally well despite the strict religious views of the native Muslim peoples. Let's face it who can resist the sight of a woman in a negligee revealing her wrists.

Man's Ugliest Friend :
A dog named Miss Ellie who held the title of "World's Ugliest Dog" passed away this week at the age of 17. Miss Ellie's remains were salvaged by a local Chinese eatery at which point she earned the title of "World's Most Delicious Egg Roll."

Wax On :
The remake of The Karate Kid dominated the box office this weekend pulling in $56 million. That wasn't the only great news for the franchise, as Ralph Macchio made a $5.60 tip Saturday night at Ruby Tuesdays.

* Fascinating Man

HEADLINES

Beach Tits :

A group of post-op transvestites in Delaware staged a protest earlier this week to gain the right to sunbathe topless on state beaches. Eyewitnesses said if you listened close enough, you could hear their grandfathers rolling in their graves.

Blue Mountains of Justice :

A 32 year old Florida man made headlines this week after calling 9-1-1 on his mother for stealing his beer. The man was given a warning for abusing 9-1-1 - his mother was beaten, tazed, and held without bail.

King of the World? :

A spokesman from British Petroleum has announced that despite reports to the contrary, filmmaker James Cameron will not be contacted to help them stop the oil leak off the Gulf Coast. It's a wise move, as Cameron would likely learn the ways of the oil, befriend it, then lead it in an epic battle against us.

Soda Poop :

A New Jersey teen who confessed to defecating in a classmate's soda during shop class was sentenced to one year probation this week - a lenient sentence because the judge didn't want to destroy his future - because the future is clearly bright for a young man who defecates in another's soft drink.

HEADLINES

Dead Man's Float :
Philippe Croizon, a quadruple amputee, is set to defy the odds and swim solo across the English Channel in late July. In related news, mark your calendars for a memorial service for Philippe Croizan in early August.

Off the Wall :
It is being reported that each one of Michael Jackson's three children is set to make $33 million from the late musician's estate. Unfortunately, most of that money is in giraffe food, gloves, and used syringes.

The Ma-Sheen :
Hollywood star Charlie Sheen is set to spend 30 days in prison after reaching a plea deal following a domestic dispute this past Christmas. In jail, Mr. Sheen will surely be sodomized by two and a half men.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout! :
A recent survey has found that New York drivers are the least hospitable in the United States. "Take that survey and shove it up your motha's twat!" commented one New York driver waving a crow bar out his window.

HEADLINES

Snow White Collar Crime :

Several top figures in the Disney organization were arrested today on charges of insider trading. While there's still speculation regarding their identities, Mickey Mouse was recorded at a share holders meeting last week, saying "Greed is Good, haha!"

Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em :

Many people are shocked and appalled after footage surfaced of a 2 year old Indonesian boy who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day. The boy's father assured everyone that it's not that big of a deal, and that his son only smokes after sex.*

Truffle Shuffle :

The Style Network has announced a new show called Too Fat For 15 - a weight loss show which follows the struggles of obese teens. Many of the contestants are sick and tired of schoolmates mocking them - luckily this show will open a big window, to have the entire country mock them.

What's in a Name? :

A long term study found that a person's name has a large effect on every part of their life including education, employment, and social status. "I don't believe it," said Fuckface McGangbang.

*Submitted by the old man

HEADLINES

Stiff Upper Lip :
Authorities in Colorado had an easy time this week finding a house burglar due to a very identifiable tattoo he had above his upper lip. The man will likely serve jail time, where fellow inmates will most certainly take him up on that "Mustache Ride".

Brack or White :
A 4 year old boy from China has risen to internet fame after footage surfaced of his extremely convincing Michael Jackson impersonation. He dances like Jackson, sings like Jackson, and manhandles his 4 year old groin like Jackson.

Venus, Uranus is Showing :
Spectators at the French Open are up in arms about the vulgar display of skin by female tennis star Venus Williams. Ms. Williams has apologized, and will where a brown paper bag over her head for the rest of the tournament.

It's a Man's World :
A West Virginia man burnt his own house down this week after arriving home from work to find that his wife hadn't prepared his dinner. The heinous, senseless maniac was detained, booked, and from now on will certainly have dinner ready.

HEADLINES

Canadian Baby Tuxedo :
Huggies has announced the release of a new denim diaper for babies – talk about a sure fire way to get people talking around the trailer park.

The Rhode Less Traveled :
The Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and his brother, who is an ex-con, opened a deli last week called Federal Wrap. “I smell a sitcom,” murmured Stephen and Daniel Baldwin.

A Bronx Tail :
Three newborn lion cubs in the Bronx Zoo have officially been given names submitted by readers of the New York Daily News – so welcome to the world, FU David Paterson, Derek Jeter, and Hey Ma’ They Chose Tony!

Chapped Chap :
A 13 year old boy from California broke a world record last week by becoming the youngest person to ever scale Mount Everest. He broke another record by going longer than any other 13 year old without being caught masturbating.

HEADLINES

Read Between the Lines :
A recent report found that the reading skills amongst urban 8th graders in the United States are the worst that they have ever been. When asked his take on the findings, one 8th grader responded, "How am I supposed to know without any pictures?"

Immortal Kombat :
Arakawa, a 73 year old architect and artist from Japan who claimed to be immortal, died today at 73. He is survived by many red-faced relatives.

This Just-In :
Teen idol Justin Beiber attempted to shed his clean cut image this week by getting a bird tattoo on his hip. When asked why he decided to get it on his hip, Beiber replied "Because there wasn't enough room on my vagina."

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! :
A group of concerned citizens in a Pennsylvania community are up in arms concerning the recent issuing of citations for public swearing, which they find unconstitutional. The staunch judge told them they can all go fuck themselves.

HEADLINES

The Reds Like the Green :
A recent survey found that 50% of Russians find bribery to be a legitimate political practice. The other 50% disagreed, but could be persuaded otherwise.

JukeBox Zero :
A stabbing at a bar in North Dakota this weekend was reportedly the result of a fight over the jukebox. One man is greatly injured and the other will likely serve jail time - though the real loser was the man next in line with 2 dollars and a hankering to hear Fine Young Cannibals.

A Pirate's Strife for Me :
A Somali man pleaded guilty in a New York courtroom yesterday to hijacking an American ship last year and partaking in pirate activities. The man is looking at serious jail time, while his parrot was able to smooth talk his way to an immunity agreement.

Where Does Depression Hurt? :
The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced plans to layoff as many as 6,000 employees worldwide. They warned that these sudden and unexpected layoffs could lead to fatigue, nausea, headaches, and erections lasting up to 3 hours.

HEADLINES

Little Blue Pill, Big Red Rocket :
A dog in New York City with a rare heart condition is responding positively to large doses of the erectile dysfunction pill Viagra. The dog is doing great – the same cannot be said for six people’s legs and a throw pillow.

Brain Damage :
An in depth scientific study has determined that there is no connection between excessive cell phone use and brain cancer. The study did, however, uncover a correlation between excessive cell phone use and being a huge asshole.

Roman’s Got a Woody :
Famed film director Woody Allen has come out to support fellow director Roman Polanski who admittedly partook in the statutory rape of a 12 year old girl decades ago – and when it comes to issues of sexual morality, who better to have in your corner than a 70 year old man who married his adopted, Korean teenage daughter.

She Looks a Little Fatwa :
Miss Michigan Rima Fakih, became Miss America last night, becoming the first ever Arab to hold the title. Fakih also set a record by becoming the first ever contestant to partake in the swimsuit competition in a black sheet and head scarf.

HEADLINES

Balls-Eye :
A Colorado man has been charged with illegally discharging a firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the crotch last week. The man was planning on appealing the charges, but he didn't have the balls.*

Catcher in the Rhino :
It took authorities and zookeepers in Florida 5 hours this week to track down and capture a 4,000 pound rhinoceros which escaped from its cage. They finally found the animal attempting to board a plane to Brazil in a bowler hat and fake moustache.

Captain Porn-Io :
Playboy Magazine has announced the release of an issue with a 3D centerfold - so for all those guys who thought there was nothing more embarrassing than your mom catching you masturbating - throw a pair of 3D glasses into the mix.

The Supremes :
If President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is approved, every Supreme Court Justice will have gone to either Harvard or Yale. "We'll get 'em next time," said Teddy Phelps, DeVry '92.

*Submitted by my Dad.

HEADLINES

Face the Music :

A 34 year old Spanish man became the first person in the world to successfully receive a face transplant this week, using the face of another person. When asked what he planned on accomplishing next, he replied, "Break into Alcatraz with Sean Connery."

Greece Frightenin' :

The world economy has taken a hit this week after the Greek government declared bankruptcy due to a vastly growing deficit and other financial woes. This is what happens when your national economy is centered around 24 hour diners.

Granny Panties Redux :
A recent study has found that women in their 60s and 70s are buying sexy lingerie in record numbers. The lingerie really loses something however, when worn over an adult diaper.

I've Got You, Penis :

Today the former Chastity Bono officially became legally recognized as a man following gender reassignment surgery. Mr. Bono is now officially known as "Chaz" though he'll probably be better known as "Sonny and Cher's fat daughter who had a dick glued to her."

HEADLINES

Sweep the Leg :
A Massachusetts woman born with no arms is set to overcome incredible odds and earn her black belt in Tae Kwon Do this week – still no word on how she intends to tie the belt.

Baloncesto Associacion National :
To honor their Mexican-American fan base, and make a political statement against the state’s new immigration laws, the Phoenix Suns wore jerseys with the name “Los Suns” in their playoff game against the San Antonio Spurs last night. The Spurs took it a step further, by sporting backpack blowers and sleeping in a small area of shade during the second half.

100 is the New 85 :
A recent survey of Americans over the age of 100 found that a common factor they credit for longer life is staying up to date with popular culture and changing technology – though most people surveyed were listening to Lou Bega on cassette tape.

What’s in a Name :
Today, a man named Goodluck Jonathan will be sworn in as the new president of the African nation of Nigeria. It was a hard fought campaign, and in the end he just flat out beat his competitor Shitty-Day William.

HEADLINES

Betty Droop :
Veteran television actress Betty White joked on NBC's Today Show this morning that in her upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, she is willing to do anything for a laugh except for nudity - so if you want to see Betty nude, just look at the sleeve of a 50 year old leather jacket which has sustained serious water damage.

Time Scare :
The NYPD along with government officials are seeking a Pakistani man who is suspected of parking an SUV equipped with a explosives in Time Square this weekend. Bystanders immediately became suspicious when they noticed a Pakistani man who wasn't driving a cab.

Request Denied :
A middle school principal in Ridgewood, New Jersey is urging the parents of his students to close down their child's Facebook accounts and keep them away from the social network until they are 18. The principal's plea took an ugly turn, when a group of students waited for him in the parking lot and super poked him.

Not So Corky :
A survey of New York City charter schools has shown that their accommodations for special needs students is amongst the worst in the United States. Said one school representative, "By this time next year our cages will be twice as roomy."

HEADLINES

Jean-Jacques Roustoned :
The University of Maryland will be introducing a new philosophy course next semester which will be taught from midnight to three in the morning on Thursdays. Students will learn to reason, ask exploratory questions, and ration $30 worth of Taco Bell and bottled water over a three hour period.

Old Midgets Die Hard :
Harry Weider, a well known homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf, and outspoken advocate, was struck by a New York City taxi yesterday and passed away. The real loser, however, was the taxi driver, as everyone knows nothing gets homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf off your bumper.

Be Prepared... For Koopa Troopas :
The Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to introduce a new merit badge awarded for achievement in various video games. Once a scout attains this badge, he is only a jerking off and whip-its badge away from making Eagle Scout.

Bring a Slopper for a Whopper :
Burger King announced this week that they will start offering a brunch menu complete with virgin mimosas and ciabatta sandwiches. It's the ideal place to bring your one night stand in case she didn't already feel like a big enough whore.

HEADLINES

Three Ring Circustan :
The government of Turkmenistan has finally overturned legislation strictly banning the circus from coming to their country, passed nearly a decade ago - so now children will no longer dream of running away and joining the the public mob who stone whores in toe-less shoes.

Beast and the Beast :
Porn Queen Jenna Jameson is alleging that her boyfriend, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, beat her this week leaving her badly injured. The incident raises the question - if a porn queen and UFC fighter can't make it work, who can?

Hung Like a Miniature Horse :
This week a miniature horse in New Hampshire set the Guinness World Record as the world's smallest horse measuring 14 inches tall and only 6 pounds. The horse plans to break another record next week, by becoming the world's most adorable bottle of glue.

Jesus Christ, Monkey Balls :
A restaurateur in Indonesia was arrested this week for serving his patrons meatballs made from endangered monkey meat. The man plans to serve his time, then go back to serving rat meat like every other Indonesian restaurateur.

HEADLINES

A Dog Gay Afternoon :
A restaurant owner in Adelaide, Australia is being sued for denying a blind man entry to his establishment because he allegedly thought that his seeing eye dog was gay. In fairness to the owner, the dog wouldn't have been let in anyway in cutoffs and roller blades.

Federico Cant-see-ni :
Emerson University in Massachusetts is now offering a film making course only for blind students - though it's hard to imagine how many original films students can make about the back side of a lens cap.

Pill Your Guts :
The birth control pill celebrates its 50th anniversary this week. It's not all cause to celebrate, however, as this week also marks the 50th anniversary of the death of pulling out.

Beam Me Up North, Scotty :
Leonard Nimoy, most famous for playing Spock in Star Trek, visited the town of Vulcan in Alberta, Canada this weekend where he had his hand print bronzed in the town square. In related news, Leonard Nimoy has officially called it a life.

HEADLINE

Send Lawyer, Guns, and a $5 Check :
An 89 year old woman stopped a would be robber this past Tuesday night by pulling a handgun on him and threatening his life - so Betty White's roller coaster year has officially jumped into high gear.

Anar Sex :
The New York Daily News released a study today which found that Asian woman ages 18 to 24 were most prone to have anal sex without using a condom. The study was conducted by a 15 year old who had just found his father's credit card.

The Circle of Strife :
A town in Idaho has decide to release wild badgers and skunks around lakes and rivers in hopes that they will work together to disperse the growing pelican population. "It's all going according to plan," snarled a wayward beaver.

Prematuris Ejaculaturis :
Amongst the 100 new species discovered by the World Wildlife Federation this year is an extra large slug, native to the island of Borneo, which shoots a "love dart" of calcium on potential mates. The Federation discovered the slug when it came to their door to tell them it was a sex offender.

HEADLINES

Oral-Well's Animal Farm :
A notorious drug kingpin in Washington state was arrested this week for running a bestiality farm where men used various farm animals to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies. The man will certainly serve time in jail where men will use him to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies.

Euro Not So Trash :
The Associated Press is reporting that tourists who have been stranded in European airports for as long as four days due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland have begun to bathe themselves in the public bathrooms. The occasion marks the first time in recorded history, that Europeans have bathed.

Gettin' Down with the Kardashians :
The animal rights group PETA is upset with member Kim Kardashian because she posed for a picture on the internet while holding a cat by the neck. They are thankful, however, that unlike the last time Ms. Kardashian showed her pussy on the internet, this time it wasn't pounded by Brandy's little brother.

No Means NFW :
A recent survey has found that 1/3 of American teenagers send 100 or more text messages everyday. When asked if they thought over-texting was having any effect on their day to day life, one teen responded, "OMFG. STFU. N! L8R."

HEADLINES

Triple Stacker, Hold the Phlegm :
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.

Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."

Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.

TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.

Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!

HEADLINES

Grey Card :
A group of older South African women, ages 60 to 84, have formed a soccer team in hopes of qualifying for a tournament in Michigan later this year. The chipper group of women, really put a face to the old credo, "it's all fun and games till someone trips over their own tits."

Little Orphan Anna Karenina :
A Tennessee couple have found themselves in hot water this week for sending their 7 year old adopted son back to Russia after deciding, they didn't wish to keep him. While morally depraved, there's little the authorities can do, considering the couple sprung for that 6 month warranty.

Dyke and Cover :
DC Comics is set to make history in the coming weeks by releasing a new adventure comic about the first ever, openly gay female superhero. The character will drive around in a Subaru Outback cleaning up the streets in between her duties as a high school field hockey coach.

My Little Whore :
People in the UK are outraged, after an upscale clothing store has begun selling two piece bikinis for little girls with padding in the chest. The store didn't help matters by selling the controversial item right next to the men's overcoats with pre-cut holes in the pockets.

HEADLINES

Nerds Amongst Us :
A new survey has found that 1 in 5 people believe that alien life forms exist amongst us. A similar survey found that 4 in 5 people are not obese virgins living with their mothers.

Lady & The Trampoline :
George Nissen, the inventor of the trampoline, died this week at the age of 96. While his family did not immediately reveal the cause of his death, the safe assumption is a double bounce from his older brother gone awry.

Which One is Her Nipple? :
A Canadian publishing company has announced plans to release braille pornography for the blind. In related news, a large number of blind men have begun to learn reading braille with their left hands.

Darn Tootin'! :
Figures released today show that Sarah Palin has made $12 million since stepping down as Governor of Alaska one year ago. Palin plans to spend the money on better blinds, to keep those pesky neighboring Russians from peaking in her windows.

HEADLINES

Burrito-Chill :
A 28 year old Michigan man was arrested this weekend for walking into a convenient store and eating a burrito and a bag of Funyuns, before revealing he had no money to pay for the items. The man will be charged with larceny, loitering, and smoking awesome pot.

Hairy Leg Day :
This weekend, thousands of men in New York City took to the streets wearing classic Scottish skirts to celebrate Tartan Day - or as they call it in the East Village, "Sunday."

Steel 'Er Innocence :
Today a Georgia DA threw out a case of sexual assault against Pittsburgh Steeler's quarterback Ben Roethlisberger stemming from an incident at a bar one month ago. To save time, however, the DA went ahead and booked Mr. Roethlisberger for the sexual assault he will allegedly commit next month.

What Now Justin Beiber? :
A 13 year old boy from California is seeking to make history by becoming the youngest person to ever climb to the peak of Mount Everest. No word yet on how the young man plans to deal with the physical demands, unpredictable conditions, and unavoidable erections every 30 to 40 minutes.

HEADLINES

Old Man Jumper :
A 96 year old South African man made history this week by becoming the oldest person on record to bungee jump. To save money, in lieu of a bungee cord the man used his scrotum.

McCamp McVictory :
The United States military has announced plans to cease the distribution of fast food at certain military bases located in Afghanistan. To add insult to injury, they also intend to take away the trampolines and go-kart course.

Consult a Physician :
The prescription drug company giant Novartis is officially being brought to trial for discriminatory hiring practices concerning woman. Said one Novartis official, "It's just not easy having women around while experiencing an erection lasting longer than three hours."

White Horse Whitney :
After being hospitalized shortly before a European concert earlier in the week, Whitney Houston assured fans it was simply due to an allergic reaction. When asked what she was allergic to, Whitney replied, "Cocaine."

HEADLINES

Baggage Shame :
Two German women were stopped at a Liverpool airport yesterday for trying to bring a dead body onto a plane. The body was determined to be over 25 pounds and was stowed in cargo.

Team Loyalty :
Former NFL running back and NBC personality Tiki Barber will be leaving his pregnant wife of 13 years after allegedly engaging in an affair with a 23 year old intern. If history is any indication, Tiki's ex-wife will go on to win the Super Bowl this year.

I'm a Lud-ser, Baby :
Two dozen people were arrested in New York today for connection to a multi-million dollar quaaludes ring. When reached for comment the suspects drooled on themselves while petting a fire hydrant.

Miss Congeniality? :
There is speculation that Sandra Bullock is reluctant to file for divorce from her cheating husband Jesse James, because he may be in possession of an extremely graphic sex tape. The tape in question is already getting higher marks on Rotten Tomatoes than Speed 2: Cruise Control.

HEADLINES

Dubai, Dubai, Du :
A British couple were sentenced to jail time in Dubai last week after they were caught kissing in public. To make matters worse, on the man's first night in prison he was pinned down in the shower room as other inmates took turns holding his hand.

Titty City :
About two dozen women in a small Maine town marched the streets topless this weekend to protest the fact that men can be topless in public while women cannot. Someone then took the time to explain to them it's not because they are women - it's because they are fat.

Rad iPad, Tad! :
Apple made history this weekend by selling 300,000 iPads on their first day of release. Some asshole made history later in the day by being the first person to drop the iPad in a toilet while drunk texting.

Shut the Front Door :
It is expected that at sometime this week New York City doormen will go on strike to demand higher wages. They will march the streets to City Hall where unfortunately, no one will be there to open the door for them.

HEADLINES

Your Vol is Showing :

A Tennessee man who was arrested for streaking this weekend claimed that his only motivation for the criminal act was boredom. His story checks out, as his being from Tennessee immediately eliminates the chance that he can afford a television or is able to read.

Little China :

People are upset by the opening of a new amusement park in China in which all employees are dwarfs dressed in fairytale themed costumes. Amongst those not complaining are the dwarfs - on the grounds that this is their only opportunity for employment considering they can't reach the dry cleaning counter.

You Stay Classy, Augusta :

Joslyn James, the porn star with whom Tiger Woods had a long running affair has announced that she will be in attendance this weekend as Tiger returns to golf in the Masters. While Tiger has not responded, other golfers are upset, especially because her vagina has officially been declared a water hazard.

Happy Paper Jam Day :

Today the office copy machine celebrated it's 50th year of existence. The copy machine is hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough in workplace efficiency, the tantamount example of modern convenience, and an irreplaceable staple in office themed pornos.

HEADLINES

On Guard! :
A school for blind children in Massachusetts announced plans today to create a fencing team for its students. "I think it'll be a great oppor..." said the team's coach before getting stabbed in the face.

Who Down with RNC? :
Members of the Republican National Committee are in hot water after allegedly running a $2,000 tab at a Los Angeles strip club. The men claim that money was simply going towards the young lady's health care anyway.

Ricky's Into Dicky :
Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - putting a decade worth of speculation to rest regarding whether or not Ricky Martin was still alive.

Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - In related news, William Hung was found wandering the streets inconsolable.

Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - Luckily for Ricky, he is still the third least gay guy from Menudo.

HEADLINES

Super Duper Nintendo :
The CEO of Nintendo gaming systems has announced the company's plan to create a 3D system within the decade. "Haaaaaaaa!" replied every adult virgin in the world before puffing on their inhalers.

Safe Cyber Poking :
A study conducted in the UK found a link between the growth of the social network Facebook and the shocking rise of STDs amongst the country's youth. It should come as no surprise as Facebook was known for sleeping around in college.

Autism Reeks :
Alex Hermann, the autistic boy from Illinois who had a perfect NCAA March Madness bracket through two rounds, was dealt his first loss this week when Butler upset Syracuse. "It was certainly a lot of fun," said the boys father while loading his son in the car to be lobotomized and locked in a padded room.

1 Out of 3 Ain't Bad :
A recent study found that 1 out of 3 women in America would be willing to have sex with a complete stranger for a large sum of money. The survey was conducted over the course of 20 years by Charlie Sheen.

HEADLINES

Hospitable Gown :
A fashion designer in the UK has designed a new hospital gown that is more sleek, comfortable, and provides more privacy - so now your incontinent grandma can shit herself with style and confidence.

Red Hot Chili Peppers :
The Indian government is experimenting with the hottest chili pepper in the world to develop a new weapon for military purposes. To date the only casualties have been a half a dozen toilets.

This Little Piggy Was Severed :
A six year old Chinese boy born with seven fingers on each hand is set to undergo an experimental surgery to remove the excess fingers - a decision he will surely regret once he's old enough to masturbate.

Foot Fetish Soldiers :
Word leaked from the Pentagon today that the United States military is set to revoke its stance against homosexual members in its ranks and repeal the much debated "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In unrelated news, the United States government put in an order for 50,000 pairs of camouflage cutoffs.

HEADLINES

Sexism, Your Ass! :
A recent survey of women conducted by the University of Connecticut, found that an overwhelming majority consider all men to be sexist to a certain degree. Said all men, "What do they know? They're just women."

Grand Theft Trig :
The creators of the Nintendo gaming system have announced that the future of the company lies in educational, school-friendly games. The creators of X-Box said that their games already are educational and teach kids lessons like - if a hooker owes you 5K and only coughs over 4, slam the bitches head 9 times in a car door for the total sum.

Heidi Seek :
Heidi Montag has fired her agent who is also a full time psychic after only 2 weeks of his service. Luckily he took it pretty easy as the oracle had foreseen the prophecy.

Schindler's Craigs List :
The actual document drafted by Oskar Schindler, complete with the names of every Jew he saved from the Holocaust, is going to be put up for auction soon with the asking price of $2.2 million. Many well to do Jews are interested in purchasing, but they're going to wait till the Sunday Times prints a coupon.

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Mini Winnie Cooper :
Danica McKellar, the child star of the hit 90s show The Wonder Years, announced yesterday that she is pregnant with her first child. McKellar suspected the pregnancy when she heard Daniel Stern's voice narrating from her vagina.

Ex-Whore House :
A man in Mexico has opened the first ever retirement home for former prostitutes. Families of the women are finding it thoughtful and convenient, but have problems with the $500 an hour rate.

De-Flowered :
A female nudist in Colorado has come under fire for cutting her lawn in the middle of the day while in the nude. Authorities responded to the odd happening after noticing all of the town's men were outside whacking their weeds.

Suckerin' Sukitash! :
Parents in Washington state are outraged after an on demand Bugs Bunny cartoon for children led orderers to an explicit porno movie instead. It wasn't all bad, as it opened the door for that age old discussion between parent and child about why Elmer Fudd was bookaki-ing Bugs.

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Dino-Dung :
A renowned Swiss watch company has announced that they will make a $12,000 dollar watch out of a fossilized piece of dinosaur feces - because nothing say "class and sophistication" like a 200 million year old piece of shit on your wrist.

How Can They Read It? :
The local government of Green Bay, Wisconsin has announced that this decade the most often stolen street sign was that for Mullet Place. "Well, there's always next decade," said Rat Tail Lane.

Generation Sex :
The results of a recently released survey show that women last decade were far more sexually liberal than the woman of the 1960s. Still, however, no one can hold a candle to those strumpets from the 1890s.

He Gone Gone :
The shortest man in the world, a Chinese dwarf named He Ping Ping who stood just 29 inches tall, died this week of heart complications. Of course "heart complications" is Mandarin for "someone stepped on him."

HEADLINES

The Aroostook Bore :
The State Senate of New Hampshire is locked in a heated debate over whether to declare the official state drink milk or apple cider, making it official - New Hampshire is the new Delaware.

Dot Com-motion :
Today the first ever "dot com" website domain celebrated its 25th birthday. The historic milestone was celebrated by internet execs, the technological community, and chronic masturbaters everywhere.

Cig Bums :
An anti-smoking group is blaming the current spike in numbers of teenage girls smoking to a strategically placed, risque advertisement by Camel in women's magazines. They have ruled out the reason being that cigarettes make you feel good, look older, and lose weight.

Got the Tism :
Scientists released a study today which found without a shadow of a doubt that autism is not caused by vaccines despite a media crusade launched by Jenny McCarthy. The discovery begs the question - If you can't trust a former Playboy model, turned co-host of a short lived MTV dating game, who went on to make a string of ill-fated straight to VHS movies before hooking up with Jim Carey - who can you trust?

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What a Boob :
A woman in Staten Island won a civil law suit today against a plastic surgeon who botched her breast augmentation and ended up giving her four breasts. The decision couldn't have come at a worse time as the doctor was scheduled to give her husband two extra hands today.

Super Mario :
Television personality Mario Lopez announced yesterday that he and his girlfriend are expecting their first child - so there will be one more person who can't name a single accomplishment of Mario Lopez besides playing AC Slater.

Hold the Blubber :
A posh sushi restaurant in Los Angeles has come under fire for serving whale. Said a spokesman for the restaurant, "What were we supposed to do not serve the star of Precious?"

Not So Slim Pickings :
Mexican Carlos Slim topped Forbes Magazine's annual list of the richest people in the world with an amassed fortune of nearly $53.5 billion - still no word on how many lawns he had to cut to make that sort of money.

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Oh, Canada :
A movement to change a lyric in the Canadian national anthem which is thought to be sexists was denied this week by the Canadian government - so it looks like "iron my shirt and make me coffee, bitch" will remain as the anthem's bridge.

Crackopoly :
A man in Kansas was arrested yesterday after he was found beaten on the street for attempting to buy crack cocaine with money from the board game Monopoly. The man's bad luck didn't end there - the police also declined his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Doctor Kong :
A doctor in Queens has beaten the world record for the video game Donkey Kong after scoring well over 1,000,000 points. The gaming world was very impressed - the families of his 100 dead patients were not as positive.

Let Your LaGuardia Down :
New York's LaGuardia airport was voted "Worst Airport in America" by an extensive survey ranking airports by a number of criteria. A spokesman for LaGuardia was scheduled to make a statement at 3 PM, then changed it to 5:30 PM, and eventually just sent the press to JFK.

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Dirty Chavez :
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez blasted Secretary of State Hilary Clinton today, and said she was simply a "blonde Condeleeza Rice" - to which Bill Clinton responded, "That's pretty hot. Let's work with that."

This is Your "Pilot" Speaking :
A man was arrested in a Dutch airport this weekend in possession of a fake pilot's license - looks like it's back to waiting in the back seat of the car as his older brother flies the plane for him.

The Outlaw Lil' Wayne :
Hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne was convicted to one year in prison today stemming from an arrest last year for illegal gun possession. Lil' Wayne is expected to change his image in prison, and has supposedly already adopted a new nickname - "Lil' Bitch."

Youth in Asia :
The Chinese government conducted a study which concluded that a record number of children in the country are obese. They plan to rectify the shocking discovery by setting up after school exercise programs for the boys and by castrating, stoning, and drowning the girls.

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Realityin' :
Former Alaskan Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in talks with Mark Burnett to create a reality television show about her and her family. The working title of the show is - "Are You Smarter Than a Teen Mom Ice Road Trucker with Corky from Life Goes On."

Snow Me :
A family in New Jersey has come under criticism for making a sexually explicit female snowman on their property. The women in the town contacted the authorities when their husbands began coming home with chapped penises.

Hairy Situation :
A Deli owner in New Jersey is in hot water for allegedly putting a hair on the order for a police officer who had pulled him over for speeding in the past. In fairness to the man, it was not his intention to put a hair in the officer's food, it must have come off of his nut sack.

Too Chubby to Fly :
A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested yesterday for masturbating in his seat in midair. The woman seated beside the passenger knew something was awry when she noticed his penis was in its upright and lock position.

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Drunkey Business :
A chimpanzee from a zoo in Moscow, Russia was sent to a special rehabilitation program this weekend to ween him off of his reliance to alcohol. The chimp realized he needed help when he woke up one morning and he wasn't in a pile of his own feces.

No Underoos :
Earlier this week 5,200 people posed naked on the steps of the Sydney Opera House as part of a project by famed photographer Spencer Tunick. The photo shoot was going great until one man's shrimp ended up in another man's barbie.

Yankin' His Chain :
New York Governor David Paterson is being investigated for breaking ethics regulations by accepting tickets to go to a Yankees World Series Game. In fairness to Paterson, however, he was told he was simply listening to the game on a radio while standing on a crowded airport runway.

OMFG!!! :
The Israeli military called off a secret raid yesterday after a militant supposedly wrote about the raid on his Facebook status. The Israelis became aware of the situation when half of the "Palestine Rocks!!!" Page "Liked" the status.

HEADLINES

Granny Get Your Gun :
An 80 year old California woman was sentenced to three years in jail last week after being convicted for a string of crimes including burglary. "This is my week!" proclaimed a recently convicted 79 year old woman looking to kick someones ass in the shower.

Proud Mary-Land :
The state government of Maryland is set to legalize gay marriage at an upcoming vote at which point they will officially change their state name to "Nancy-land."

Hot, Hot, Hot :
Today marked the 142nd birthday of the popular hot sauce brand, Tabasco. In unrelated news, tomorrow marks the 142nd birthday of diarrhea, heart burn, and ulcers.

Wicked Smaht :
The state of Massachusetts is seeking to make the use of the term "retard" in its public school illegal and punishable by fines and expulsion. Luckily for every student in Massachusetts, "retahd" still flies.

HEADLINES

Bullet Proof Chest :
A New Jersey woman who suffered two gun shot wounds while at a bar last week claims that the only reason she was not killed was because of her love handles. In unrelated news, a woman's fupa saved her from a machete attack.

My Old Kentucky Home :
Politicians in Kentucky are pushing for the removal of a verse in the state's official oath of office which requires Pols to swear off 'dueling' which always causes the state house to erupt in laughter. A smaller group is pushing for the removal of the verse about 'screwing your cousin' which causes the statehouse to erupt in shifty eyed guilt.

Mire High Crub :
A Japanese airline is set to make 'women only' restrooms on their national and international flights. In related news, the mile high club in Japan is about to become a whole lot hotter.

Glass Ceiling Blues :
A recent study has shown that a disproportionate amount of women in positions of professional power rely heavily on prescription drugs. "That's really disappointing to hear," said one man in a position of power while blowing a speed ball off a hooker's hip.

HEADLINES

Golden Girl (on Borrowed Time) :
Following a much talked about online petition, it was reported today that 88 year old former television star Betty White is very close to inking a deal to host Saturday Night Live - so tune in for your best chance of seeing a person die on live television since the Chris Farley years.

Fare Game :
Starting on Friday New York City taxis will begin picking up multiple passengers for a single fare. The city expects gas usage to go down, difficulty getting a cab to disappear, and puking on a stranger's lap to reach record numbers.

Shadow Dancers :
A new concept restaurant in Taiwan features a moat around its exterior, almost complete darkness, and waiter service by stealth employees dressed as ninjas. They are so stealth, that you can barely tell they dipped their scrotum in your won-ton soup.

Seriously?:
A Czech based travel company is charging $200 to send your favorite stuffed animal around Europe and have its picture taken with the continent's most recognizable landmarks. For those interested it will be a good way to get that pesky teddy bear out of the house for a week to have some romantic time alone with that fluffy pillow on the shays lounge.

HEADLINES

Don't Want No Short People :
A man from Nepal who stands 22 inches tall has launched a campaign to be recognized as the "World's Smallest Man" by the Guinness Book of World Records which would strip the record from the current holder who stands 28 inches tall. What will ensue is sure to be the most adorable altercation in history.

Doctor of the Year :
A doctor in Czechoslovakia accidentally left a foot long surgical tool inside a woman he was operating on last week. "Not the first time she's had foot long in her!" responded the woman's hysterical boyfriend while receiving a chest bump.

Has Anyone Seen Boner? :
Actor Walter Koenig, most famous for playing "Boner Stabone" on the hit 90s show Growing Pains has been reported missing and authorities are asking for help to crack the case. Their only lead is that Koenig was last seen getting into hilarious mischeif in the Seaver home circa 1993.

Double Threat :
Film director Roman Polanski was honored this weekend with the prestigious "Silver Bear" at the Berlin Film Festival. It was the end to a huge week for Polanski who received the "Crying Teddy Bear" at the annual Statutory Rapist of the Year awards on Wednesday.

HEADLINES

United States of .... Whatever :
An international poll released this week ranked the United States of America the laziest country in the world, making it official - Mexico is no longer considered a country.

Port-a-Party :
The authorities in Brazil are issuing fines for the first time this year for public urination during the annual celebration, Carnival. "It's really just an issue of moral decency," said a half naked drag-queen blowing his boyfriend while on PCP.

From Russia with Cyber Love :
Police in Moscow have arrested the Internet hacker responsible for putting pornographic videos on an electronic billboard at a busy intersection last month. The man is claiming his innocence, but he was caught white handed.

Blues Grass State :
An annual census found that residents of West Virginia and Kentucky tied as the "unhappiest people" in the United States. Polling may have been effected by outside circumstances, however, as Walmart had recently run out of above ground pools.

HEADLINES

Subway... Feet Fresh :
Many New York City subway riders expressed opposition this week to the recent rise in $50 citations given out to people for putting their feet on the seats, while others support it. "Some people just have no respect for their fellow riders," said Manny, the unkempt Gulf War veteran who uses the 4 train as a toilet.

Va-China :
Olympic Chinese figure skaters Shen Xue and Zhoe Hongbo came out of practical obscurity last night to win the gold medal in doubles figure skating, then announced their plans to have a child. Viewers were shocked when they won, and even more shocked to learn that a male figure skater was a heterosexual.

A-Less is A-Mour :
A panel of experts decided this week that the french word "amour" meaning "love" is the world's most romantic word. Coming in dead last for the seventh straight year - "gaping-soggy-grundle-Nazi."

Fur-tive Effort By Under-Dog who Shows no Paws :
New York City's annual dog show for sheltered dogs was won this year by a pit bull with only three legs, giving credence to the old football saying - "It's not the dog in the fight - it's the extent to which Michael Vick maimed that dog."

HEADLINES

Lets Hug it Out:
An Ohio man broke the Guinness World Record for hugs yesterday giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours. "That's Bullshit!" proclaimed every 300 pound, bearded, drunk guy at a keg party.

Emmett Otter's Drowning Scare :
Police in Maine responded to reports of a child drowning in Maine yesterday, only to find that the "child" in question was an otter. It was an honest mistake as recent studies have shown that most drowning children wear head to toe fur coats and eat clams off their bellies.

Patron Saint of Grinding Teeth :
A Roman Catholic priest was arrested in Philadelphia this weekend after getting caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase cocaine. The priest claims this is just a big misunderstanding - he was buying the cocaine for his 11 year old boyfriend.

One Hit Wonder Remembered :
Don Fieger, the lead singer of the early 1980s rock band The Knack, passed away this weekend at the age of 57. Fieger is survived, b-b-b-byyyyyy Sharona!

HEADLINES

Roses Are Red, Faces Are White :
Police in an Amsterdam airport stopped a shipment of roses this week when they found a substantial amount of cocaine stashed in the bouquet. The police became suspicious when the roses got in their face and would not shut up about what an awesome time they were having.

Mary Jane Twatson :
It was announced today that the fourth installment of Spiderman will be shot entirely in 3-D. It's assumed that the premiere of the film will coincide with the stripping of the medical license of Kirsten Dunst's dentist.

Dinosaur Bone(r)s :
The Discovery Channel has green lit a show called "Tyrannosaurus Sex" which will explore the highly unknown mating habits of dinosaurs. Spoiler alert - the male dinosaur puts his penis in the female dinosaur.

Cheeb-us Christ :
Police in El Paso, Texas stopped the smuggling of 30 lbs of marijuana yesterday after finding it hidden in an over sized framed picture of Jesus Christ. They knew something was awry when they noticed that Jesus was wearing a Widespread Panic t-shirt and eating a Choco-Taco.

HEADLINES

Man's Best Friend with Benefits :
A recent study has shown that 1/5 of people prefer spending Valentine's Day with their pet as opposed to a spouse or significant other. An unrelated study shows that 1/5 of household pets are molested every Valentine's Day.

What the Crack? :
A man in Michigan told police that he was robbed at gunpoint after attempting to buy crack cocaine with a credit card. The man said he hasn't been this outraged since a prostitute declined his government bonds last week.

Erin Go Bra-less :
The man accused of taping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room with a hidden camera, allegedly had 16 other hotel videos of sports personalities. Amongst the more popular ones were John Madden man-scaping and Dick Vitale inserting an enema.

Hooter-nanny :
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. One buyer seems interested - he can't really afford it, but the woman he's been dealing with has been touching his arm and seems really into him.

The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. They'd consider a package deal of two buyers at $125 million - one for each tit.*

*Written by my dad.

HEADLINES

Fantastic Whore :
A woman in China is receiving a litany of plastic surgeries to look more like Jessica Alba to be more attractive to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the woman's boyfriend wasn't more into Lucy Liu, in which case she'd just have to comb her hair differently.

Saudi A-Rap-ia :
This weekend an 80 year old Saudi Arabian man married a 12 year old girl. The man claims they have a relationship like any other 80 year old man and 12 year old girl, and he frequently pushes her on the sex swing.

Beer Muscles :
A new scientific study has shown that drinking beer actually does make you stronger. The study was conducted by a group of scientists with a keg and novelty rhombus shaped weights.

Pal-in the Ass :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin received negative press yesterday for giving a speech to Tea Party members with what appeared to be notes written on her hand. It seems likely as its hard to beleive she could remember a line like "hopey change" on her own.

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The Earth Was Quakin' :
A strip club in Ohio is offering lap dances for a fixed price with all proceeds going to Haitian earthquake relief. The real winner though is Mrs. Chang, the local dry cleaner specializing in men's slacks.

Here We Go Again :
The Daily News is set to run a story this week alleging several extramarital affairs of New York Governor David Paterson. In fairness to the Governor, he attempted to have an affair but ended up simply having sex with the sleeve of a woman's coat.

St Elmo's Firing Squad :
Actor Andrew McCarthy was taken hostage by an Ethiopian military sect this weekend while filming a documentary in the country. The militant's demands were simple - Weekend at Bernie's 3.

What Dat First Amendment :
Elated Saints fans are buying custom made #9 jerseys with the name "Breesus" on the back. Some people find it sacrilegious, but really what's the worst that can happen - some sort of flood of biblical proportion?

HEADLINES

The Pimp of the Senate :
Republican Scott Brown is set to be sworn into office this week as a Massachusetts Senator. It will be the end of a great week for Scott Brown who just successfully sold his eldest daughter for three oxen and a small plot of land.

Make it Rain, Your Honor :
A female stripper in Alabama was awarded $100,000 in damages by a jury today after a drunk driving incident that occurred after her boss made her drive home intoxicated. Unfortunately for the stripper, however, the jury paid her with singles they shoved up her ass.

Used Car Salesm... I Mean Heisman Trophy Winner :
This morning former Heisman trophy winning quarterback Tim Tebow gave the closing prayer at a prayer service with President Barack Obama. Things got awkward when Obama introduced Tebow as a, "man of faith, servant of God, and gigantic waste of a future draft pick."

NO-Ds :
Toxicology reports released today stated that actress Brittany Murphy died of pneumonia and heiress/socialite Casey Johnson died of complications due to diabetes. Heroin is waiting for its apology you low life gossip outlets.

HEADLINES

#1, Hold the Spit :
A black New York man is seeking legal action against Burger King after a white employee spit on his burger, claiming it was an act of racism. The head of Burger King has assured the public that this story is a fabrication, and there will be spit on your burger regardless of your race.

Go Get 'Em, Tiger! :
It has been reported that in two weeks Tiger Woods will exit sex rehab and go back to his everyday life of sinking his balls in holes. No word yet on when he'll return to the golf green.

Mile High (as Shit) Club:
A man was arrested on a plane out of San Francisco this week for dropping his pants and chasing a flight attendant after he claims he ate a prescription marijuana cookie. Authorities suspect something more along the lines of a cocaine pound cake.

Mr. Edwards Goes to Washington :
The New York Post reported today that during a recent dispute, former Senator John Edwards smacked his cancer stricken wife Elizabeth. This should come as no surprise, as in 2004, Edwards voted "Yes" on the controversial, "Hitting Women with Terminal Cancer Bill."

HEADLINES

No Coins in a Fountain:
Police in Memphis are investigating the theft of coins from a wishing fountain in the middle of a popular mall. They thought they had a taped confession of the suspect, but it was simply a classic Corey Feldman scene from the film The Goonies.

Dutch Oven :
A Ducth website which specializes in bestiality media is being shut down by the government for being profane. Look like it's back to the zoo perverts!

King of the Queens Ring :
Two teachers in Queens are being investigated for allowing two fourth grade boys to solve a dispute by wrestling, or as it was called at the Neverland Ranch, "Thursday Afternoon."

Man of Faith :
A Priest in Poland is keeping tabs on the attendance of his parish by installing electronic fingerprint detectors in the vestibule of his church. To save time, for the fingerprints of the young boys in his parish, he will simply dust his penis.

HEADLINES

Pork for the Porking :
The President of Argentina told the men of her country to avoid the use of Viagra for impotency and instead use natural solutions like pork products. "Damn!!!" proclaimed Juan Rosenberg, Argentina's sole Orthodox Jew.

Fido-ski :
A dog in Poland was lost at sea and floated nearly 100 miles this weekend before being rescued by Polish fisherman. The dog and the fishermen then perished when their vessel took on water from its screen door.

10 Yards for Cross Dressing :
Male fans of the New Orleans Saints paraded down Bourbon Street today wearing dresses. "That's our bit!" replied the 49ers fabulous fan base.

Ripped Torn :
Hollywood actor Rip Torn was arrested this weekend and is facing jail time for drunkenly breaking into a bank with a loaded gun and passing out on the floor. Luckily for Mr. Torn, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a 350 pound sodomist named Big Daddy.

HEADLINES

What's Your Emergency, Slugger? :
Yesterday a 3 year old in New Jersey was called a hero for calling 9-1-1 after his grandmother had a diabetic seizure. Two hours later the boy was called a menace when he called 9-1-1 and ordered three pizzas.

Mi Amore It :
The fast food chain McDonald's has announced that they will begin selling a "McItaly Burger" at its Italian locations which features mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce. The announcement couldn't come at a better time as Italians are really getting fed up with the lines at the Olive Garden.

New Jersey Nots :
The New Jersey Nets beat the Los Angeles Clippers yesterday to improve their season record to 4-40 and moving them just two games away from contention for the Special Olympics.

That's One Handsome Penis :
7'1 Portland Trailblazer player Greg Oden is in hot water for taking a picture of his penis and putting it on the Internet. Oden initially tried to play down the incident by claiming that it in fact wasn't his penis but rather a Haitian orphan he adopted.

HEADLINES

Extra Cheese :
A woman was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday with 54 pounds of cocaine. When questioned by authorities the woman fled on foot, but was detained 12 minutes later in St. Louis.

Change? :
Tonight President Obama will deliver his first State of the Union address. It is speculated that Obama will pull the "I never said 'Positive Change'," card.

Drugstore O'Cowboy :
A man in Oregon attempted to rob a drugstore earlier this week in search of oxycontin, but instead stole all prescriptions that were ready for pickup for customers with last names starting in "O." Not all was lost, as old man O'Reilly had some mad Flomax.

Edwards Porno Hands :
A aid to former Senator John Edwards has hinted that there is a sex tape featuring him and his mistress Rielle Hunter. While there is never a closeup of Edwards' face, you can tell it's him because his crotch has a $1,000 bouffant.

HEADLINES

Isn't it Ironic... Don't You Think? :
This weekend in Florida, authorities arrested a man wanted for stealing a car, while he was at home playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." In related news, a man wanted to for taking mushrooms and jumping on people's heads was found playing "Super Mario Brothers."

Gordon Gecko :
A small impoverished village in Indonesia has begun making money by selling a rare form of gecko, indigenous to their village. It's assumed that most buyers are looking to save money on their car insurance.

James "Money Bags" Cameron :
It is expected that by the end of the week, James Cameron's Sci-Fi adventure Avatar will make $1.85 billion worldwide passing James Cameron's last film Titanic, as the highest grossing movie of all time. When reached for comment, Cameron was busy wiping his ass with a $1,000 bill.

Mr. & Mrs. Split :
Internet rumors are circulating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have both hired divorce attorneys to work out a separation agreement. Lucky for them, three of their six children came with a lenient five year return policy.