HEADLINES

Come-on-Down.com :
Reuters reported today that plans are in the works for the creation of an online auction site for millionaires to auction off extravagant items such as yachts, luxury cars, and vacation homes. The items will go to whoever bids closest to the actual retail price without going over.

Piss Be with You :
The sudden rise in cases of swine flu throughout Europe has led an Italian man to invent an electric holy water dispenser for Catholic churches; because nothing says welcome to church like the feeling of God pissing on your hands.

Face-Book 'Em Danno :
A Brooklyn man avoided a jail sentence this week by proving that he could not have participated in an armed robbery because at the time he was updating his Facebook status. The Facebook status in question, read "Going to commit armed robbery... back in time for The Hills."

Have You Seen This? Have You Heard About This? :
The young woman who had an affair with ESPN's Steve Phillips has come out to defend her honor after she saw Jay Leno make a joke at her expense on his show. That's right, a woman who wants to be respected watches The Jay Leno Show.