HEADLINES

Throw the Facebook at 'Em :
This week 3,500 sex offenders from the state of New York were stripped of their Facebook and Myspace accounts in accordance with a new state law. It looks like it's back to the park bench!

Open a Tab :
A researcher has announced that a shockingly high number of children ages 1 to 18 swallowed the tabs from soda cans this year. This means your grandfather's assertions were right; children are stupider these days.

Yahoo Yahoos :
The Internet search engine Yahoo! announced today that the three most widely searched topics for 2009 were "Michael Jackson," "Twilight," and "WWE." That's right, it took a decade, but Yahoo! finally cornered the racially ambiguous, pedophile, pre-teens, who live in a trailer park, market.

Baby's Got Back :
In sad news, former Ms. Argentina died this week during elective surgery to get a butt lift. Medical examiners are hopeful and say they found a big crack in the case.*

*Bravo, John.