HEADLINES

Tune In, Turn On, Take a Drop :
This weekend, PGA golfer Doug Barron became the first golfer to ever test positive for drugs since the introduction of an anti-doping policy in 2008. John Daly called to congratulate Barron on a well fought battle.

Ground Control to Major Dumb :
A Spanish based company which has been planning the construction of a hotel in space for some years said that they will begin taking $4 million reservations as early as 2012. They ask that those interested form an orderly line behind David Bowie and Lance Bass.

Tranny Thieves :
Five transvestites in the Philippines have been arrested for drugging male tourists and robbing them. Said the transvestites' lawyer, "They don't have the balls to pull such a move."

Christian Values :
A 28 year old male employee of a Christian bookstore in California has been arrested for putting a spy camera in the women's restroom. In the man's defense, there are few things more arousing then a female patron of a Christian bookstore making number 2.