Jean-Jacques Roustoned :
The University of Maryland will be introducing a new philosophy course next semester which will be taught from midnight to three in the morning on Thursdays. Students will learn to reason, ask exploratory questions, and ration $30 worth of Taco Bell and bottled water over a three hour period.
Old Midgets Die Hard :
Harry Weider, a well known homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf, and outspoken advocate, was struck by a New York City taxi yesterday and passed away. The real loser, however, was the taxi driver, as everyone knows nothing gets homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf off your bumper.
Be Prepared... For Koopa Troopas :
The Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to introduce a new merit badge awarded for achievement in various video games. Once a scout attains this badge, he is only a jerking off and whip-its badge away from making Eagle Scout.
Bring a Slopper for a Whopper :
Burger King announced this week that they will start offering a brunch menu complete with virgin mimosas and ciabatta sandwiches. It's the ideal place to bring your one night stand in case she didn't already feel like a big enough whore.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
HEADLINES
Three Ring Circustan :
The government of Turkmenistan has finally overturned legislation strictly banning the circus from coming to their country, passed nearly a decade ago - so now children will no longer dream of running away and joining the the public mob who stone whores in toe-less shoes.
Beast and the Beast :
Porn Queen Jenna Jameson is alleging that her boyfriend, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, beat her this week leaving her badly injured. The incident raises the question - if a porn queen and UFC fighter can't make it work, who can?
Hung Like a Miniature Horse :
This week a miniature horse in New Hampshire set the Guinness World Record as the world's smallest horse measuring 14 inches tall and only 6 pounds. The horse plans to break another record next week, by becoming the world's most adorable bottle of glue.
Jesus Christ, Monkey Balls :
A restaurateur in Indonesia was arrested this week for serving his patrons meatballs made from endangered monkey meat. The man plans to serve his time, then go back to serving rat meat like every other Indonesian restaurateur.
The government of Turkmenistan has finally overturned legislation strictly banning the circus from coming to their country, passed nearly a decade ago - so now children will no longer dream of running away and joining the the public mob who stone whores in toe-less shoes.
Beast and the Beast :
Porn Queen Jenna Jameson is alleging that her boyfriend, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, beat her this week leaving her badly injured. The incident raises the question - if a porn queen and UFC fighter can't make it work, who can?
Hung Like a Miniature Horse :
This week a miniature horse in New Hampshire set the Guinness World Record as the world's smallest horse measuring 14 inches tall and only 6 pounds. The horse plans to break another record next week, by becoming the world's most adorable bottle of glue.
Jesus Christ, Monkey Balls :
A restaurateur in Indonesia was arrested this week for serving his patrons meatballs made from endangered monkey meat. The man plans to serve his time, then go back to serving rat meat like every other Indonesian restaurateur.
Monday, April 26, 2010
HEADLINES
A Dog Gay Afternoon :
A restaurant owner in Adelaide, Australia is being sued for denying a blind man entry to his establishment because he allegedly thought that his seeing eye dog was gay. In fairness to the owner, the dog wouldn't have been let in anyway in cutoffs and roller blades.
Federico Cant-see-ni :
Emerson University in Massachusetts is now offering a film making course only for blind students - though it's hard to imagine how many original films students can make about the back side of a lens cap.
Pill Your Guts :
The birth control pill celebrates its 50th anniversary this week. It's not all cause to celebrate, however, as this week also marks the 50th anniversary of the death of pulling out.
Beam Me Up North, Scotty :
Leonard Nimoy, most famous for playing Spock in Star Trek, visited the town of Vulcan in Alberta, Canada this weekend where he had his hand print bronzed in the town square. In related news, Leonard Nimoy has officially called it a life.
A restaurant owner in Adelaide, Australia is being sued for denying a blind man entry to his establishment because he allegedly thought that his seeing eye dog was gay. In fairness to the owner, the dog wouldn't have been let in anyway in cutoffs and roller blades.
Federico Cant-see-ni :
Emerson University in Massachusetts is now offering a film making course only for blind students - though it's hard to imagine how many original films students can make about the back side of a lens cap.
Pill Your Guts :
The birth control pill celebrates its 50th anniversary this week. It's not all cause to celebrate, however, as this week also marks the 50th anniversary of the death of pulling out.
Beam Me Up North, Scotty :
Leonard Nimoy, most famous for playing Spock in Star Trek, visited the town of Vulcan in Alberta, Canada this weekend where he had his hand print bronzed in the town square. In related news, Leonard Nimoy has officially called it a life.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
HEADLINE
Send Lawyer, Guns, and a $5 Check :
An 89 year old woman stopped a would be robber this past Tuesday night by pulling a handgun on him and threatening his life - so Betty White's roller coaster year has officially jumped into high gear.
Anar Sex :
The New York Daily News released a study today which found that Asian woman ages 18 to 24 were most prone to have anal sex without using a condom. The study was conducted by a 15 year old who had just found his father's credit card.
The Circle of Strife :
A town in Idaho has decide to release wild badgers and skunks around lakes and rivers in hopes that they will work together to disperse the growing pelican population. "It's all going according to plan," snarled a wayward beaver.
Prematuris Ejaculaturis :
Amongst the 100 new species discovered by the World Wildlife Federation this year is an extra large slug, native to the island of Borneo, which shoots a "love dart" of calcium on potential mates. The Federation discovered the slug when it came to their door to tell them it was a sex offender.
An 89 year old woman stopped a would be robber this past Tuesday night by pulling a handgun on him and threatening his life - so Betty White's roller coaster year has officially jumped into high gear.
Anar Sex :
The New York Daily News released a study today which found that Asian woman ages 18 to 24 were most prone to have anal sex without using a condom. The study was conducted by a 15 year old who had just found his father's credit card.
The Circle of Strife :
A town in Idaho has decide to release wild badgers and skunks around lakes and rivers in hopes that they will work together to disperse the growing pelican population. "It's all going according to plan," snarled a wayward beaver.
Prematuris Ejaculaturis :
Amongst the 100 new species discovered by the World Wildlife Federation this year is an extra large slug, native to the island of Borneo, which shoots a "love dart" of calcium on potential mates. The Federation discovered the slug when it came to their door to tell them it was a sex offender.
Monday, April 19, 2010
HEADLINES
Oral-Well's Animal Farm :
A notorious drug kingpin in Washington state was arrested this week for running a bestiality farm where men used various farm animals to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies. The man will certainly serve time in jail where men will use him to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies.
Euro Not So Trash :
The Associated Press is reporting that tourists who have been stranded in European airports for as long as four days due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland have begun to bathe themselves in the public bathrooms. The occasion marks the first time in recorded history, that Europeans have bathed.
Gettin' Down with the Kardashians :
The animal rights group PETA is upset with member Kim Kardashian because she posed for a picture on the internet while holding a cat by the neck. They are thankful, however, that unlike the last time Ms. Kardashian showed her pussy on the internet, this time it wasn't pounded by Brandy's little brother.
No Means NFW :
A recent survey has found that 1/3 of American teenagers send 100 or more text messages everyday. When asked if they thought over-texting was having any effect on their day to day life, one teen responded, "OMFG. STFU. N! L8R."
A notorious drug kingpin in Washington state was arrested this week for running a bestiality farm where men used various farm animals to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies. The man will certainly serve time in jail where men will use him to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies.
Euro Not So Trash :
The Associated Press is reporting that tourists who have been stranded in European airports for as long as four days due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland have begun to bathe themselves in the public bathrooms. The occasion marks the first time in recorded history, that Europeans have bathed.
Gettin' Down with the Kardashians :
The animal rights group PETA is upset with member Kim Kardashian because she posed for a picture on the internet while holding a cat by the neck. They are thankful, however, that unlike the last time Ms. Kardashian showed her pussy on the internet, this time it wasn't pounded by Brandy's little brother.
No Means NFW :
A recent survey has found that 1/3 of American teenagers send 100 or more text messages everyday. When asked if they thought over-texting was having any effect on their day to day life, one teen responded, "OMFG. STFU. N! L8R."
Thursday, April 15, 2010
HEADLINES
Triple Stacker, Hold the Phlegm :
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.
Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."
Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.
TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.
Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.
Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."
Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.
TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.
Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
HEADLINES
Grey Card :
A group of older South African women, ages 60 to 84, have formed a soccer team in hopes of qualifying for a tournament in Michigan later this year. The chipper group of women, really put a face to the old credo, "it's all fun and games till someone trips over their own tits."
Little Orphan Anna Karenina :
A Tennessee couple have found themselves in hot water this week for sending their 7 year old adopted son back to Russia after deciding, they didn't wish to keep him. While morally depraved, there's little the authorities can do, considering the couple sprung for that 6 month warranty.
Dyke and Cover :
DC Comics is set to make history in the coming weeks by releasing a new adventure comic about the first ever, openly gay female superhero. The character will drive around in a Subaru Outback cleaning up the streets in between her duties as a high school field hockey coach.
My Little Whore :
People in the UK are outraged, after an upscale clothing store has begun selling two piece bikinis for little girls with padding in the chest. The store didn't help matters by selling the controversial item right next to the men's overcoats with pre-cut holes in the pockets.
A group of older South African women, ages 60 to 84, have formed a soccer team in hopes of qualifying for a tournament in Michigan later this year. The chipper group of women, really put a face to the old credo, "it's all fun and games till someone trips over their own tits."
Little Orphan Anna Karenina :
A Tennessee couple have found themselves in hot water this week for sending their 7 year old adopted son back to Russia after deciding, they didn't wish to keep him. While morally depraved, there's little the authorities can do, considering the couple sprung for that 6 month warranty.
Dyke and Cover :
DC Comics is set to make history in the coming weeks by releasing a new adventure comic about the first ever, openly gay female superhero. The character will drive around in a Subaru Outback cleaning up the streets in between her duties as a high school field hockey coach.
My Little Whore :
People in the UK are outraged, after an upscale clothing store has begun selling two piece bikinis for little girls with padding in the chest. The store didn't help matters by selling the controversial item right next to the men's overcoats with pre-cut holes in the pockets.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
HEADLINES
Nerds Amongst Us :
A new survey has found that 1 in 5 people believe that alien life forms exist amongst us. A similar survey found that 4 in 5 people are not obese virgins living with their mothers.
Lady & The Trampoline :
George Nissen, the inventor of the trampoline, died this week at the age of 96. While his family did not immediately reveal the cause of his death, the safe assumption is a double bounce from his older brother gone awry.
Which One is Her Nipple? :
A Canadian publishing company has announced plans to release braille pornography for the blind. In related news, a large number of blind men have begun to learn reading braille with their left hands.
Darn Tootin'! :
Figures released today show that Sarah Palin has made $12 million since stepping down as Governor of Alaska one year ago. Palin plans to spend the money on better blinds, to keep those pesky neighboring Russians from peaking in her windows.
A new survey has found that 1 in 5 people believe that alien life forms exist amongst us. A similar survey found that 4 in 5 people are not obese virgins living with their mothers.
Lady & The Trampoline :
George Nissen, the inventor of the trampoline, died this week at the age of 96. While his family did not immediately reveal the cause of his death, the safe assumption is a double bounce from his older brother gone awry.
Which One is Her Nipple? :
A Canadian publishing company has announced plans to release braille pornography for the blind. In related news, a large number of blind men have begun to learn reading braille with their left hands.
Darn Tootin'! :
Figures released today show that Sarah Palin has made $12 million since stepping down as Governor of Alaska one year ago. Palin plans to spend the money on better blinds, to keep those pesky neighboring Russians from peaking in her windows.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
HEADLINES
Burrito-Chill :
A 28 year old Michigan man was arrested this weekend for walking into a convenient store and eating a burrito and a bag of Funyuns, before revealing he had no money to pay for the items. The man will be charged with larceny, loitering, and smoking awesome pot.
Hairy Leg Day :
This weekend, thousands of men in New York City took to the streets wearing classic Scottish skirts to celebrate Tartan Day - or as they call it in the East Village, "Sunday."
Steel 'Er Innocence :
Today a Georgia DA threw out a case of sexual assault against Pittsburgh Steeler's quarterback Ben Roethlisberger stemming from an incident at a bar one month ago. To save time, however, the DA went ahead and booked Mr. Roethlisberger for the sexual assault he will allegedly commit next month.
What Now Justin Beiber? :
A 13 year old boy from California is seeking to make history by becoming the youngest person to ever climb to the peak of Mount Everest. No word yet on how the young man plans to deal with the physical demands, unpredictable conditions, and unavoidable erections every 30 to 40 minutes.
A 28 year old Michigan man was arrested this weekend for walking into a convenient store and eating a burrito and a bag of Funyuns, before revealing he had no money to pay for the items. The man will be charged with larceny, loitering, and smoking awesome pot.
Hairy Leg Day :
This weekend, thousands of men in New York City took to the streets wearing classic Scottish skirts to celebrate Tartan Day - or as they call it in the East Village, "Sunday."
Steel 'Er Innocence :
Today a Georgia DA threw out a case of sexual assault against Pittsburgh Steeler's quarterback Ben Roethlisberger stemming from an incident at a bar one month ago. To save time, however, the DA went ahead and booked Mr. Roethlisberger for the sexual assault he will allegedly commit next month.
What Now Justin Beiber? :
A 13 year old boy from California is seeking to make history by becoming the youngest person to ever climb to the peak of Mount Everest. No word yet on how the young man plans to deal with the physical demands, unpredictable conditions, and unavoidable erections every 30 to 40 minutes.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
HEADLINES
Old Man Jumper :
A 96 year old South African man made history this week by becoming the oldest person on record to bungee jump. To save money, in lieu of a bungee cord the man used his scrotum.
McCamp McVictory :
The United States military has announced plans to cease the distribution of fast food at certain military bases located in Afghanistan. To add insult to injury, they also intend to take away the trampolines and go-kart course.
Consult a Physician :
The prescription drug company giant Novartis is officially being brought to trial for discriminatory hiring practices concerning woman. Said one Novartis official, "It's just not easy having women around while experiencing an erection lasting longer than three hours."
White Horse Whitney :
After being hospitalized shortly before a European concert earlier in the week, Whitney Houston assured fans it was simply due to an allergic reaction. When asked what she was allergic to, Whitney replied, "Cocaine."
A 96 year old South African man made history this week by becoming the oldest person on record to bungee jump. To save money, in lieu of a bungee cord the man used his scrotum.
McCamp McVictory :
The United States military has announced plans to cease the distribution of fast food at certain military bases located in Afghanistan. To add insult to injury, they also intend to take away the trampolines and go-kart course.
Consult a Physician :
The prescription drug company giant Novartis is officially being brought to trial for discriminatory hiring practices concerning woman. Said one Novartis official, "It's just not easy having women around while experiencing an erection lasting longer than three hours."
White Horse Whitney :
After being hospitalized shortly before a European concert earlier in the week, Whitney Houston assured fans it was simply due to an allergic reaction. When asked what she was allergic to, Whitney replied, "Cocaine."
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
HEADLINES
Baggage Shame :
Two German women were stopped at a Liverpool airport yesterday for trying to bring a dead body onto a plane. The body was determined to be over 25 pounds and was stowed in cargo.
Team Loyalty :
Former NFL running back and NBC personality Tiki Barber will be leaving his pregnant wife of 13 years after allegedly engaging in an affair with a 23 year old intern. If history is any indication, Tiki's ex-wife will go on to win the Super Bowl this year.
I'm a Lud-ser, Baby :
Two dozen people were arrested in New York today for connection to a multi-million dollar quaaludes ring. When reached for comment the suspects drooled on themselves while petting a fire hydrant.
Miss Congeniality? :
There is speculation that Sandra Bullock is reluctant to file for divorce from her cheating husband Jesse James, because he may be in possession of an extremely graphic sex tape. The tape in question is already getting higher marks on Rotten Tomatoes than Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Two German women were stopped at a Liverpool airport yesterday for trying to bring a dead body onto a plane. The body was determined to be over 25 pounds and was stowed in cargo.
Team Loyalty :
Former NFL running back and NBC personality Tiki Barber will be leaving his pregnant wife of 13 years after allegedly engaging in an affair with a 23 year old intern. If history is any indication, Tiki's ex-wife will go on to win the Super Bowl this year.
I'm a Lud-ser, Baby :
Two dozen people were arrested in New York today for connection to a multi-million dollar quaaludes ring. When reached for comment the suspects drooled on themselves while petting a fire hydrant.
Miss Congeniality? :
There is speculation that Sandra Bullock is reluctant to file for divorce from her cheating husband Jesse James, because he may be in possession of an extremely graphic sex tape. The tape in question is already getting higher marks on Rotten Tomatoes than Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HEADLINES
Dubai, Dubai, Du :
A British couple were sentenced to jail time in Dubai last week after they were caught kissing in public. To make matters worse, on the man's first night in prison he was pinned down in the shower room as other inmates took turns holding his hand.
Titty City :
About two dozen women in a small Maine town marched the streets topless this weekend to protest the fact that men can be topless in public while women cannot. Someone then took the time to explain to them it's not because they are women - it's because they are fat.
Rad iPad, Tad! :
Apple made history this weekend by selling 300,000 iPads on their first day of release. Some asshole made history later in the day by being the first person to drop the iPad in a toilet while drunk texting.
Shut the Front Door :
It is expected that at sometime this week New York City doormen will go on strike to demand higher wages. They will march the streets to City Hall where unfortunately, no one will be there to open the door for them.
A British couple were sentenced to jail time in Dubai last week after they were caught kissing in public. To make matters worse, on the man's first night in prison he was pinned down in the shower room as other inmates took turns holding his hand.
Titty City :
About two dozen women in a small Maine town marched the streets topless this weekend to protest the fact that men can be topless in public while women cannot. Someone then took the time to explain to them it's not because they are women - it's because they are fat.
Rad iPad, Tad! :
Apple made history this weekend by selling 300,000 iPads on their first day of release. Some asshole made history later in the day by being the first person to drop the iPad in a toilet while drunk texting.
Shut the Front Door :
It is expected that at sometime this week New York City doormen will go on strike to demand higher wages. They will march the streets to City Hall where unfortunately, no one will be there to open the door for them.
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