HEADLINES

Hungry on Arrival :
An unidentified person in Florida was arrested yesterday after calling 911 twice to report that they were hungry and wanted food. In related news Rosie O'Donnell has posted bail in a Florida jail.

D'oy Vey Hard :
The New York Post reported this morning that certain synagogues throughout New York City are preparing for possible terrorist attacks during the upcoming high holidays by training their congregation in hand to hand combat. Some have gone so far as to replace their yamakas with throwing stars.

The Thigh of the Beholder :
Dutch scientists have conducted a study which shows that women with thin thighs do not live as long as women with more girth to their thighs. If their numbers are correct, Lindsay Lohan died yesterday.

Spot of Teeth :
Reuters has reported that during these hard economic times, many people in England who have been laid off have begun taking trade courses in everything from bee-keeping to the widely popular butchery. Still no one has stepped up and become a dentist.