HEADLINES

Tiger in the Rough :
More women are continuing to come out and allege sexual affairs with Tiger Woods following his car accident earlier this week. It's now clear why there are so many dimples in his balls.

Pea-Cock of the Walk :
The media giant Comcast has purchased a controlling stock in NBC for an alleged 30 billion dollars despite the networks rating struggles. Comcast decided to purchase NBC after being turned down by ABC, CBS, Fox, BET, QVC, The Game Show Network, and the Catholic Channel.

Blame it on the Henny :
Troubled NBA star Ron Artest admitted yesterday to frequently drinking Hennessey during halftime of games earlier in his career. This makes sense, as an audio investigation of his famous melee in Detroit reveals him saying, "Ima let you finish, but Pacers fans are the best fans of all time!!!"

Nipped in the Butt :
As reported earlier this week, the former Ms. Argentina tragically passed away while undergoing elective surgery for a butt lift. Luckily for the doctors involved, the victim's family has decided to turn the other cheek.*

*RIP