HEADLINES

Blinded by the Light :
Earlier this week blind New York Governor David Paterson made a public statement for his competitors in the upcoming gubernatorial race to step forward and state why they would be better than him. Unfortunately, David Paterson unknowingly made his statement standing in a Dairy Queen bathroom.

... :
It was announced today that a statue of Helen Keller will be put on display in a wing of the United States Capital. Said the family of Helen Keller, "*&%$$%##@@!"

Detroit Rock Shitty :
Last night the Minnesota Twins beat the Detroit Tigers in a one game playoff eliminating them from post season contention. That's right, 30 more people in Detroit are out of work.

Everything's Crazier in Texas :
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. The only difference between their journeys was Jesus didn't wear timberlands and make daily stops in Denny's bathrooms.
(TAKE 2)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. So, YES, Mel Gibson is still a little crazy.
(TAKE 3)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. Unfortunately the man's mother chose to reconcile with Barabas.