Bullet Proof Chest :
A New Jersey woman who suffered two gun shot wounds while at a bar last week claims that the only reason she was not killed was because of her love handles. In unrelated news, a woman's fupa saved her from a machete attack.
My Old Kentucky Home :
Politicians in Kentucky are pushing for the removal of a verse in the state's official oath of office which requires Pols to swear off 'dueling' which always causes the state house to erupt in laughter. A smaller group is pushing for the removal of the verse about 'screwing your cousin' which causes the statehouse to erupt in shifty eyed guilt.
Mire High Crub :
A Japanese airline is set to make 'women only' restrooms on their national and international flights. In related news, the mile high club in Japan is about to become a whole lot hotter.
Glass Ceiling Blues :
A recent study has shown that a disproportionate amount of women in positions of professional power rely heavily on prescription drugs. "That's really disappointing to hear," said one man in a position of power while blowing a speed ball off a hooker's hip.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
HEADLINES
Golden Girl (on Borrowed Time) :
Following a much talked about online petition, it was reported today that 88 year old former television star Betty White is very close to inking a deal to host Saturday Night Live - so tune in for your best chance of seeing a person die on live television since the Chris Farley years.
Fare Game :
Starting on Friday New York City taxis will begin picking up multiple passengers for a single fare. The city expects gas usage to go down, difficulty getting a cab to disappear, and puking on a stranger's lap to reach record numbers.
Shadow Dancers :
A new concept restaurant in Taiwan features a moat around its exterior, almost complete darkness, and waiter service by stealth employees dressed as ninjas. They are so stealth, that you can barely tell they dipped their scrotum in your won-ton soup.
Seriously?:
A Czech based travel company is charging $200 to send your favorite stuffed animal around Europe and have its picture taken with the continent's most recognizable landmarks. For those interested it will be a good way to get that pesky teddy bear out of the house for a week to have some romantic time alone with that fluffy pillow on the shays lounge.
Following a much talked about online petition, it was reported today that 88 year old former television star Betty White is very close to inking a deal to host Saturday Night Live - so tune in for your best chance of seeing a person die on live television since the Chris Farley years.
Fare Game :
Starting on Friday New York City taxis will begin picking up multiple passengers for a single fare. The city expects gas usage to go down, difficulty getting a cab to disappear, and puking on a stranger's lap to reach record numbers.
Shadow Dancers :
A new concept restaurant in Taiwan features a moat around its exterior, almost complete darkness, and waiter service by stealth employees dressed as ninjas. They are so stealth, that you can barely tell they dipped their scrotum in your won-ton soup.
Seriously?:
A Czech based travel company is charging $200 to send your favorite stuffed animal around Europe and have its picture taken with the continent's most recognizable landmarks. For those interested it will be a good way to get that pesky teddy bear out of the house for a week to have some romantic time alone with that fluffy pillow on the shays lounge.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
HEADLINES
Don't Want No Short People :
A man from Nepal who stands 22 inches tall has launched a campaign to be recognized as the "World's Smallest Man" by the Guinness Book of World Records which would strip the record from the current holder who stands 28 inches tall. What will ensue is sure to be the most adorable altercation in history.
Doctor of the Year :
A doctor in Czechoslovakia accidentally left a foot long surgical tool inside a woman he was operating on last week. "Not the first time she's had foot long in her!" responded the woman's hysterical boyfriend while receiving a chest bump.
Has Anyone Seen Boner? :
Actor Walter Koenig, most famous for playing "Boner Stabone" on the hit 90s show Growing Pains has been reported missing and authorities are asking for help to crack the case. Their only lead is that Koenig was last seen getting into hilarious mischeif in the Seaver home circa 1993.
Double Threat :
Film director Roman Polanski was honored this weekend with the prestigious "Silver Bear" at the Berlin Film Festival. It was the end to a huge week for Polanski who received the "Crying Teddy Bear" at the annual Statutory Rapist of the Year awards on Wednesday.
A man from Nepal who stands 22 inches tall has launched a campaign to be recognized as the "World's Smallest Man" by the Guinness Book of World Records which would strip the record from the current holder who stands 28 inches tall. What will ensue is sure to be the most adorable altercation in history.
Doctor of the Year :
A doctor in Czechoslovakia accidentally left a foot long surgical tool inside a woman he was operating on last week. "Not the first time she's had foot long in her!" responded the woman's hysterical boyfriend while receiving a chest bump.
Has Anyone Seen Boner? :
Actor Walter Koenig, most famous for playing "Boner Stabone" on the hit 90s show Growing Pains has been reported missing and authorities are asking for help to crack the case. Their only lead is that Koenig was last seen getting into hilarious mischeif in the Seaver home circa 1993.
Double Threat :
Film director Roman Polanski was honored this weekend with the prestigious "Silver Bear" at the Berlin Film Festival. It was the end to a huge week for Polanski who received the "Crying Teddy Bear" at the annual Statutory Rapist of the Year awards on Wednesday.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
HEADLINES
United States of .... Whatever :
An international poll released this week ranked the United States of America the laziest country in the world, making it official - Mexico is no longer considered a country.
Port-a-Party :
The authorities in Brazil are issuing fines for the first time this year for public urination during the annual celebration, Carnival. "It's really just an issue of moral decency," said a half naked drag-queen blowing his boyfriend while on PCP.
From Russia with Cyber Love :
Police in Moscow have arrested the Internet hacker responsible for putting pornographic videos on an electronic billboard at a busy intersection last month. The man is claiming his innocence, but he was caught white handed.
Blues Grass State :
An annual census found that residents of West Virginia and Kentucky tied as the "unhappiest people" in the United States. Polling may have been effected by outside circumstances, however, as Walmart had recently run out of above ground pools.
An international poll released this week ranked the United States of America the laziest country in the world, making it official - Mexico is no longer considered a country.
Port-a-Party :
The authorities in Brazil are issuing fines for the first time this year for public urination during the annual celebration, Carnival. "It's really just an issue of moral decency," said a half naked drag-queen blowing his boyfriend while on PCP.
From Russia with Cyber Love :
Police in Moscow have arrested the Internet hacker responsible for putting pornographic videos on an electronic billboard at a busy intersection last month. The man is claiming his innocence, but he was caught white handed.
Blues Grass State :
An annual census found that residents of West Virginia and Kentucky tied as the "unhappiest people" in the United States. Polling may have been effected by outside circumstances, however, as Walmart had recently run out of above ground pools.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
HEADLINES
Subway... Feet Fresh :
Many New York City subway riders expressed opposition this week to the recent rise in $50 citations given out to people for putting their feet on the seats, while others support it. "Some people just have no respect for their fellow riders," said Manny, the unkempt Gulf War veteran who uses the 4 train as a toilet.
Va-China :
Olympic Chinese figure skaters Shen Xue and Zhoe Hongbo came out of practical obscurity last night to win the gold medal in doubles figure skating, then announced their plans to have a child. Viewers were shocked when they won, and even more shocked to learn that a male figure skater was a heterosexual.
A-Less is A-Mour :
A panel of experts decided this week that the french word "amour" meaning "love" is the world's most romantic word. Coming in dead last for the seventh straight year - "gaping-soggy-grundle-Nazi."
Fur-tive Effort By Under-Dog who Shows no Paws :
New York City's annual dog show for sheltered dogs was won this year by a pit bull with only three legs, giving credence to the old football saying - "It's not the dog in the fight - it's the extent to which Michael Vick maimed that dog."
Many New York City subway riders expressed opposition this week to the recent rise in $50 citations given out to people for putting their feet on the seats, while others support it. "Some people just have no respect for their fellow riders," said Manny, the unkempt Gulf War veteran who uses the 4 train as a toilet.
Va-China :
Olympic Chinese figure skaters Shen Xue and Zhoe Hongbo came out of practical obscurity last night to win the gold medal in doubles figure skating, then announced their plans to have a child. Viewers were shocked when they won, and even more shocked to learn that a male figure skater was a heterosexual.
A-Less is A-Mour :
A panel of experts decided this week that the french word "amour" meaning "love" is the world's most romantic word. Coming in dead last for the seventh straight year - "gaping-soggy-grundle-Nazi."
Fur-tive Effort By Under-Dog who Shows no Paws :
New York City's annual dog show for sheltered dogs was won this year by a pit bull with only three legs, giving credence to the old football saying - "It's not the dog in the fight - it's the extent to which Michael Vick maimed that dog."
Monday, February 15, 2010
HEADLINES
Lets Hug it Out:
An Ohio man broke the Guinness World Record for hugs yesterday giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours. "That's Bullshit!" proclaimed every 300 pound, bearded, drunk guy at a keg party.
Emmett Otter's Drowning Scare :
Police in Maine responded to reports of a child drowning in Maine yesterday, only to find that the "child" in question was an otter. It was an honest mistake as recent studies have shown that most drowning children wear head to toe fur coats and eat clams off their bellies.
Patron Saint of Grinding Teeth :
A Roman Catholic priest was arrested in Philadelphia this weekend after getting caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase cocaine. The priest claims this is just a big misunderstanding - he was buying the cocaine for his 11 year old boyfriend.
One Hit Wonder Remembered :
Don Fieger, the lead singer of the early 1980s rock band The Knack, passed away this weekend at the age of 57. Fieger is survived, b-b-b-byyyyyy Sharona!
An Ohio man broke the Guinness World Record for hugs yesterday giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours. "That's Bullshit!" proclaimed every 300 pound, bearded, drunk guy at a keg party.
Emmett Otter's Drowning Scare :
Police in Maine responded to reports of a child drowning in Maine yesterday, only to find that the "child" in question was an otter. It was an honest mistake as recent studies have shown that most drowning children wear head to toe fur coats and eat clams off their bellies.
Patron Saint of Grinding Teeth :
A Roman Catholic priest was arrested in Philadelphia this weekend after getting caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase cocaine. The priest claims this is just a big misunderstanding - he was buying the cocaine for his 11 year old boyfriend.
One Hit Wonder Remembered :
Don Fieger, the lead singer of the early 1980s rock band The Knack, passed away this weekend at the age of 57. Fieger is survived, b-b-b-byyyyyy Sharona!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
HEADLINES
Roses Are Red, Faces Are White :
Police in an Amsterdam airport stopped a shipment of roses this week when they found a substantial amount of cocaine stashed in the bouquet. The police became suspicious when the roses got in their face and would not shut up about what an awesome time they were having.
Mary Jane Twatson :
It was announced today that the fourth installment of Spiderman will be shot entirely in 3-D. It's assumed that the premiere of the film will coincide with the stripping of the medical license of Kirsten Dunst's dentist.
Dinosaur Bone(r)s :
The Discovery Channel has green lit a show called "Tyrannosaurus Sex" which will explore the highly unknown mating habits of dinosaurs. Spoiler alert - the male dinosaur puts his penis in the female dinosaur.
Cheeb-us Christ :
Police in El Paso, Texas stopped the smuggling of 30 lbs of marijuana yesterday after finding it hidden in an over sized framed picture of Jesus Christ. They knew something was awry when they noticed that Jesus was wearing a Widespread Panic t-shirt and eating a Choco-Taco.
Police in an Amsterdam airport stopped a shipment of roses this week when they found a substantial amount of cocaine stashed in the bouquet. The police became suspicious when the roses got in their face and would not shut up about what an awesome time they were having.
Mary Jane Twatson :
It was announced today that the fourth installment of Spiderman will be shot entirely in 3-D. It's assumed that the premiere of the film will coincide with the stripping of the medical license of Kirsten Dunst's dentist.
Dinosaur Bone(r)s :
The Discovery Channel has green lit a show called "Tyrannosaurus Sex" which will explore the highly unknown mating habits of dinosaurs. Spoiler alert - the male dinosaur puts his penis in the female dinosaur.
Cheeb-us Christ :
Police in El Paso, Texas stopped the smuggling of 30 lbs of marijuana yesterday after finding it hidden in an over sized framed picture of Jesus Christ. They knew something was awry when they noticed that Jesus was wearing a Widespread Panic t-shirt and eating a Choco-Taco.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
HEADLINES
Man's Best Friend with Benefits :
A recent study has shown that 1/5 of people prefer spending Valentine's Day with their pet as opposed to a spouse or significant other. An unrelated study shows that 1/5 of household pets are molested every Valentine's Day.
What the Crack? :
A man in Michigan told police that he was robbed at gunpoint after attempting to buy crack cocaine with a credit card. The man said he hasn't been this outraged since a prostitute declined his government bonds last week.
Erin Go Bra-less :
The man accused of taping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room with a hidden camera, allegedly had 16 other hotel videos of sports personalities. Amongst the more popular ones were John Madden man-scaping and Dick Vitale inserting an enema.
Hooter-nanny :
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. One buyer seems interested - he can't really afford it, but the woman he's been dealing with has been touching his arm and seems really into him.
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. They'd consider a package deal of two buyers at $125 million - one for each tit.*
*Written by my dad.
A recent study has shown that 1/5 of people prefer spending Valentine's Day with their pet as opposed to a spouse or significant other. An unrelated study shows that 1/5 of household pets are molested every Valentine's Day.
What the Crack? :
A man in Michigan told police that he was robbed at gunpoint after attempting to buy crack cocaine with a credit card. The man said he hasn't been this outraged since a prostitute declined his government bonds last week.
Erin Go Bra-less :
The man accused of taping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room with a hidden camera, allegedly had 16 other hotel videos of sports personalities. Amongst the more popular ones were John Madden man-scaping and Dick Vitale inserting an enema.
Hooter-nanny :
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. One buyer seems interested - he can't really afford it, but the woman he's been dealing with has been touching his arm and seems really into him.
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. They'd consider a package deal of two buyers at $125 million - one for each tit.*
*Written by my dad.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
HEADLINES
Fantastic Whore :
A woman in China is receiving a litany of plastic surgeries to look more like Jessica Alba to be more attractive to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the woman's boyfriend wasn't more into Lucy Liu, in which case she'd just have to comb her hair differently.
Saudi A-Rap-ia :
This weekend an 80 year old Saudi Arabian man married a 12 year old girl. The man claims they have a relationship like any other 80 year old man and 12 year old girl, and he frequently pushes her on the sex swing.
Beer Muscles :
A new scientific study has shown that drinking beer actually does make you stronger. The study was conducted by a group of scientists with a keg and novelty rhombus shaped weights.
Pal-in the Ass :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin received negative press yesterday for giving a speech to Tea Party members with what appeared to be notes written on her hand. It seems likely as its hard to beleive she could remember a line like "hopey change" on her own.
A woman in China is receiving a litany of plastic surgeries to look more like Jessica Alba to be more attractive to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the woman's boyfriend wasn't more into Lucy Liu, in which case she'd just have to comb her hair differently.
Saudi A-Rap-ia :
This weekend an 80 year old Saudi Arabian man married a 12 year old girl. The man claims they have a relationship like any other 80 year old man and 12 year old girl, and he frequently pushes her on the sex swing.
Beer Muscles :
A new scientific study has shown that drinking beer actually does make you stronger. The study was conducted by a group of scientists with a keg and novelty rhombus shaped weights.
Pal-in the Ass :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin received negative press yesterday for giving a speech to Tea Party members with what appeared to be notes written on her hand. It seems likely as its hard to beleive she could remember a line like "hopey change" on her own.
Monday, February 8, 2010
HEADLINES
The Earth Was Quakin' :
A strip club in Ohio is offering lap dances for a fixed price with all proceeds going to Haitian earthquake relief. The real winner though is Mrs. Chang, the local dry cleaner specializing in men's slacks.
Here We Go Again :
The Daily News is set to run a story this week alleging several extramarital affairs of New York Governor David Paterson. In fairness to the Governor, he attempted to have an affair but ended up simply having sex with the sleeve of a woman's coat.
St Elmo's Firing Squad :
Actor Andrew McCarthy was taken hostage by an Ethiopian military sect this weekend while filming a documentary in the country. The militant's demands were simple - Weekend at Bernie's 3.
What Dat First Amendment :
Elated Saints fans are buying custom made #9 jerseys with the name "Breesus" on the back. Some people find it sacrilegious, but really what's the worst that can happen - some sort of flood of biblical proportion?
A strip club in Ohio is offering lap dances for a fixed price with all proceeds going to Haitian earthquake relief. The real winner though is Mrs. Chang, the local dry cleaner specializing in men's slacks.
Here We Go Again :
The Daily News is set to run a story this week alleging several extramarital affairs of New York Governor David Paterson. In fairness to the Governor, he attempted to have an affair but ended up simply having sex with the sleeve of a woman's coat.
St Elmo's Firing Squad :
Actor Andrew McCarthy was taken hostage by an Ethiopian military sect this weekend while filming a documentary in the country. The militant's demands were simple - Weekend at Bernie's 3.
What Dat First Amendment :
Elated Saints fans are buying custom made #9 jerseys with the name "Breesus" on the back. Some people find it sacrilegious, but really what's the worst that can happen - some sort of flood of biblical proportion?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
HEADLINES
The Pimp of the Senate :
Republican Scott Brown is set to be sworn into office this week as a Massachusetts Senator. It will be the end of a great week for Scott Brown who just successfully sold his eldest daughter for three oxen and a small plot of land.
Make it Rain, Your Honor :
A female stripper in Alabama was awarded $100,000 in damages by a jury today after a drunk driving incident that occurred after her boss made her drive home intoxicated. Unfortunately for the stripper, however, the jury paid her with singles they shoved up her ass.
Used Car Salesm... I Mean Heisman Trophy Winner :
This morning former Heisman trophy winning quarterback Tim Tebow gave the closing prayer at a prayer service with President Barack Obama. Things got awkward when Obama introduced Tebow as a, "man of faith, servant of God, and gigantic waste of a future draft pick."
NO-Ds :
Toxicology reports released today stated that actress Brittany Murphy died of pneumonia and heiress/socialite Casey Johnson died of complications due to diabetes. Heroin is waiting for its apology you low life gossip outlets.
Republican Scott Brown is set to be sworn into office this week as a Massachusetts Senator. It will be the end of a great week for Scott Brown who just successfully sold his eldest daughter for three oxen and a small plot of land.
Make it Rain, Your Honor :
A female stripper in Alabama was awarded $100,000 in damages by a jury today after a drunk driving incident that occurred after her boss made her drive home intoxicated. Unfortunately for the stripper, however, the jury paid her with singles they shoved up her ass.
Used Car Salesm... I Mean Heisman Trophy Winner :
This morning former Heisman trophy winning quarterback Tim Tebow gave the closing prayer at a prayer service with President Barack Obama. Things got awkward when Obama introduced Tebow as a, "man of faith, servant of God, and gigantic waste of a future draft pick."
NO-Ds :
Toxicology reports released today stated that actress Brittany Murphy died of pneumonia and heiress/socialite Casey Johnson died of complications due to diabetes. Heroin is waiting for its apology you low life gossip outlets.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
HEADLINES
#1, Hold the Spit :
A black New York man is seeking legal action against Burger King after a white employee spit on his burger, claiming it was an act of racism. The head of Burger King has assured the public that this story is a fabrication, and there will be spit on your burger regardless of your race.
Go Get 'Em, Tiger! :
It has been reported that in two weeks Tiger Woods will exit sex rehab and go back to his everyday life of sinking his balls in holes. No word yet on when he'll return to the golf green.
Mile High (as Shit) Club:
A man was arrested on a plane out of San Francisco this week for dropping his pants and chasing a flight attendant after he claims he ate a prescription marijuana cookie. Authorities suspect something more along the lines of a cocaine pound cake.
Mr. Edwards Goes to Washington :
The New York Post reported today that during a recent dispute, former Senator John Edwards smacked his cancer stricken wife Elizabeth. This should come as no surprise, as in 2004, Edwards voted "Yes" on the controversial, "Hitting Women with Terminal Cancer Bill."
A black New York man is seeking legal action against Burger King after a white employee spit on his burger, claiming it was an act of racism. The head of Burger King has assured the public that this story is a fabrication, and there will be spit on your burger regardless of your race.
Go Get 'Em, Tiger! :
It has been reported that in two weeks Tiger Woods will exit sex rehab and go back to his everyday life of sinking his balls in holes. No word yet on when he'll return to the golf green.
Mile High (as Shit) Club:
A man was arrested on a plane out of San Francisco this week for dropping his pants and chasing a flight attendant after he claims he ate a prescription marijuana cookie. Authorities suspect something more along the lines of a cocaine pound cake.
Mr. Edwards Goes to Washington :
The New York Post reported today that during a recent dispute, former Senator John Edwards smacked his cancer stricken wife Elizabeth. This should come as no surprise, as in 2004, Edwards voted "Yes" on the controversial, "Hitting Women with Terminal Cancer Bill."
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
HEADLINES
No Coins in a Fountain:
Police in Memphis are investigating the theft of coins from a wishing fountain in the middle of a popular mall. They thought they had a taped confession of the suspect, but it was simply a classic Corey Feldman scene from the film The Goonies.
Dutch Oven :
A Ducth website which specializes in bestiality media is being shut down by the government for being profane. Look like it's back to the zoo perverts!
King of the Queens Ring :
Two teachers in Queens are being investigated for allowing two fourth grade boys to solve a dispute by wrestling, or as it was called at the Neverland Ranch, "Thursday Afternoon."
Man of Faith :
A Priest in Poland is keeping tabs on the attendance of his parish by installing electronic fingerprint detectors in the vestibule of his church. To save time, for the fingerprints of the young boys in his parish, he will simply dust his penis.
Police in Memphis are investigating the theft of coins from a wishing fountain in the middle of a popular mall. They thought they had a taped confession of the suspect, but it was simply a classic Corey Feldman scene from the film The Goonies.
Dutch Oven :
A Ducth website which specializes in bestiality media is being shut down by the government for being profane. Look like it's back to the zoo perverts!
King of the Queens Ring :
Two teachers in Queens are being investigated for allowing two fourth grade boys to solve a dispute by wrestling, or as it was called at the Neverland Ranch, "Thursday Afternoon."
Man of Faith :
A Priest in Poland is keeping tabs on the attendance of his parish by installing electronic fingerprint detectors in the vestibule of his church. To save time, for the fingerprints of the young boys in his parish, he will simply dust his penis.
Monday, February 1, 2010
HEADLINES
Pork for the Porking :
The President of Argentina told the men of her country to avoid the use of Viagra for impotency and instead use natural solutions like pork products. "Damn!!!" proclaimed Juan Rosenberg, Argentina's sole Orthodox Jew.
Fido-ski :
A dog in Poland was lost at sea and floated nearly 100 miles this weekend before being rescued by Polish fisherman. The dog and the fishermen then perished when their vessel took on water from its screen door.
10 Yards for Cross Dressing :
Male fans of the New Orleans Saints paraded down Bourbon Street today wearing dresses. "That's our bit!" replied the 49ers fabulous fan base.
Ripped Torn :
Hollywood actor Rip Torn was arrested this weekend and is facing jail time for drunkenly breaking into a bank with a loaded gun and passing out on the floor. Luckily for Mr. Torn, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a 350 pound sodomist named Big Daddy.
The President of Argentina told the men of her country to avoid the use of Viagra for impotency and instead use natural solutions like pork products. "Damn!!!" proclaimed Juan Rosenberg, Argentina's sole Orthodox Jew.
Fido-ski :
A dog in Poland was lost at sea and floated nearly 100 miles this weekend before being rescued by Polish fisherman. The dog and the fishermen then perished when their vessel took on water from its screen door.
10 Yards for Cross Dressing :
Male fans of the New Orleans Saints paraded down Bourbon Street today wearing dresses. "That's our bit!" replied the 49ers fabulous fan base.
Ripped Torn :
Hollywood actor Rip Torn was arrested this weekend and is facing jail time for drunkenly breaking into a bank with a loaded gun and passing out on the floor. Luckily for Mr. Torn, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a 350 pound sodomist named Big Daddy.
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