HEADLINES

The Dow "Pacman" Jones :
The Wall Street Journal released a survey yesterday which found Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan to be the most handsome starting quarterback in the NFL. Ironically US Weekly reported that the NASDAQ closed the day up 3 points and mortgage bankers are urging an overhaul of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Holy Wedgie :
A German couple recently named their child "Djehad" which is German for the Arabic "Jihad" meaning Holy War. In middle school he will undoubtedly be called "Arschloch" which is German for the Arabic "Koos Emek" meaning Asshole.

Yankee Clipper-berg :
The Yankees/Red Sox game scheduled for September 27th was changed from a day game to a night game earlier in the week only to be changed back after complaints that the game interfered with the start of the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Jewish members of either team could not be reached for comment because they don't exist.

Without a Paddle :
Chinese ping pong player, Wang Hoa, widely considered the best ping pong player in the world has been allowed to have a girlfriend after a government ban forbidding him from having one has been lifted. That's right, Wang Hoa is now allowed a Hoa to handle his Wang.