HEADLINES

Amster-Damn You! :
A man in Amsterdam is in hot water for calling the authorities to report that someone had stolen his stash of ecstasy pills. The man will likely be put on probation which will limit him to two hash brownies and one prostitute a day.

Number One with a Manischewitz :
A chef has released a recipe for the Jewish favorite latkes, using ingredients entirely from the fast food chain Wendy's for the Hanukkah season - or as they will undoubtedly be called in the deep south, Deep Fried Jew Burgers.

Band on the Hop :
In an interview this week Paul McCartney admitted that his marriage to Heather Mills was a big mistake. Many thought it was obvious from the get go, that the marriage didn't have legs.

Contact Your Caddy for Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours :
While women continue to come forward and claim sexual encounters with Tiger Woods, Tiger continues to lose his countless endorsement deals. Luckily the troubled golfer is in talks with Pfizer to create an erectile dysfunction pill tentatively called, "Tiger Wood."*

*Submitted by my father.