HEADLINES

The Aces of Crystal Meth :
In an upcoming memoir, American tennis great Andre Agassi admits that during his prime he experimented with snorting crystal meth. Tennis enthusiasts can finally make sense of the unforgettable incident at Wimbledon when Agassi ran suicides for 2 hours then cried himself to sleep in the fetal position.

Bah Humbug! :
Reuters reported today that due to the dire economic situation, many American companies have already cancelled annual Christmas celebrations to save money. So it looks like you'll have to get drunk, piss yourself, and screw the fat intern on your own time.

Si-silly News :
A man in Sicily who had been sentenced to home arrest is pleading with the judge to change his sentence to time in prison, because he no longer wants to spend time at home with his wife. One thing's for certain, in jail he'll certainly be having a lot more sex.

Jumping the Shark :
Authorities in Australia are on the search for what's being described as a "monster shark" which bit a 10 foot great white in half over the weekend. They've reached out to those most suited in dealing with such an animal; oceanographers, shark experts, and the head of SciFi original programming.