HEADLINES

Hong Kong Hustle :
A posh penthouse apartment in Hong Kong sold this week for an unbelievable $57 million. About $30 million of that money was spent on stepping stools.

Hold the Gruel :
A mafia hit man detained in a New York City prison issued a complaint this week that the food served inside is far too starchy and unhealthy. He went on to say, "The anal rapes are a bit out of line too."

MASS Hysteria :
A Massachusetts teenager was detained this week after drop kicking his mother in the throat and headbutting his father when they took away his cell phone as a punishment. Unfortunately the boy was unable to text his BFF about totes pwning his rents.

The Choice of a New Generation :
Feminists are upset about a new iPhone Application designed by the Pepsi company which feeds men pickup lines based on stereotypical descriptions of women they meet. So if you want to impress a woman, use coke.