HEADLINES

Toddler, M.D. :
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.

Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.

Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.

Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."