HEADLINES

The Truth Was Out There :
Due to economic hardship, the the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense opted to shut down it's UFO unit last week. This could mean bad news for the UK's Sasquatch and Loch Ness Monster departments.

Walk Toe to Tar Heel :
A North Carolina woman was arrested this week for selling moonshine out of her day care center. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they noticed her pupils inability to hopscotch in a straight line.

No Country For Old Perverts :
A 100 year old sex offender is set to be released from federal custody later this month in New York. So lock up those innocent, impressionable, 65 year olds.

Hot For Teacher :
Two female high school teachers in New York are in serious trouble for engaging in sexual intercourse with one another in an empty classroom. The women were reported to the school by a suspicious janitor as soon as he washed his hands.