HEADLINES

Armed and Saggy :
A 91 year old Florida man heard an intruder in his home on Saturday night and proceeded to hold the perpetrator at gunpoint until authorities arrived, all while in the nude. The elderly gentleman's plans were nearly foiled when he tripped over his testicles.

Here Comes a Train :
A 19 year old Ohio woman who had cheated on her boyfriend tried to reconcile by wearing a sign on a public street that said "I Cheated on My Boyfriend." While there's no word yet on how her boyfriend reacted, there is a 2 block long line of men willing to forgive her.

Area O'Codes :
Ireland has announced that they will introduce zip codes next year to aid the progress of Irish correspondence. If this rate continues, Ireland will have fax machines by 2055.

What's Wrong with Grandpa?... Why is He Peeing on Me? :
A scientific researcher has found that Alzheimer's cases in the United States are increasing at a frightening rate. The scientist went on to say, "Who are you and where's my rocket ship?"