HEADLINES

950th Times a Charm :
A 68 year old woman in South Korea passed her driving test this week after 950 previous failed attempts. She is now legally able to drive the shoulder, at 10 miles per hour, with her blinker on and her head dangerously close to the wheel.

Carnival 101 :
A female student in Brazil was suspended last week for dressing inappropriately after showing up to school in a pink mini dress. The student has apologized and has agreed to come to school in a bikini and sparkly feathered head dress like the rest of the girls.

Reading for Pleasure :
A teacher in Manhattan has been suspended after assigning his 11th grade class a short story about masturbation. Now that the assigned reading has been nullified, the 11th graders can spend more time masturbating.

Tear Down this Wall :
This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. In that 20 years there have been 5 United States Presidents, countless changes in the economic and social climate of Europe, and 22 cases of alcohol poisoning for David Hasselhoff.