Kennedy Cent-ah Hon-ahs :
Last night CBS aired the annual Kennedy Center Honors from Washington, DC. Honorees this year included Mel Brooks, Dave Brubeck, Robert DeNiro, Bruce Springsteen, and Grace Bumbry who unfortunately had to come straight from the veterinarian's office.
From Russia, With Elbow Grease :
The Russian government has announced plans to destroy an asteroid which may or may not be hurdling towards Earth. Training is already under way to find the brave Russian man or woman who can heave a Vodka bottle the highest.
Double Trouble :
In a story seemingly from a bad movie, two identical twin brothers were arrested this week for running a $2 million dollar investment scam. "YES!!!" replied Jeremy and Jason London.
Meet the Mets :
All-star left fielder Jason Bay was picked up by the New York Mets yesterday and already seems eager and excited to contribute to the team's spirit and traditions. In other words, he'll get injured, under achieve, and undoubtedly fade into oblivion.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
HEADLINES
Neither a Road Nor an Island :
The state government of Rhode Island has decided to earn some extra revenue by auctioning off unclaimed properties on Ebay. The government of Delaware took notice, and has decided to boost state morale by joining Adult Friend Finder.
Jackassery :
A live Nativity scene in Colorado went awry last week when two donkeys broke away from their handlers and began running the streets. Staying true to the the original Bible story, the three wise men chased down and sedated said donkeys, as the Virgin Mary had a cigarette and the Baby Jesus shit himself.
A Time to Chill :
Authorities in Southern California seized a teddy bear from a toy store last week which was stuffed with a substantial amount of marijuana. There is still no word on what Levi McConaughey received in its place.
Do the Doggy Bounce :
The American Kennel Club has voted Snoopy from The Peanuts as the most famous dog in popular culture. It's widely assumed that Goofy ruined his chances after the release of his controversial coke fueled sex tape earlier this year.
The state government of Rhode Island has decided to earn some extra revenue by auctioning off unclaimed properties on Ebay. The government of Delaware took notice, and has decided to boost state morale by joining Adult Friend Finder.
Jackassery :
A live Nativity scene in Colorado went awry last week when two donkeys broke away from their handlers and began running the streets. Staying true to the the original Bible story, the three wise men chased down and sedated said donkeys, as the Virgin Mary had a cigarette and the Baby Jesus shit himself.
A Time to Chill :
Authorities in Southern California seized a teddy bear from a toy store last week which was stuffed with a substantial amount of marijuana. There is still no word on what Levi McConaughey received in its place.
Do the Doggy Bounce :
The American Kennel Club has voted Snoopy from The Peanuts as the most famous dog in popular culture. It's widely assumed that Goofy ruined his chances after the release of his controversial coke fueled sex tape earlier this year.
Monday, December 28, 2009
HEADLINES
A Sphincter Says, "What" :
A British man was given an artificial sphincter last week and his bowel movements are now controlled with a remote control. The device is a huge technological breakthrough for medicine, it does however result in quite a mess when his dog gets a hold of that remote.
White Collar, Red Stool :
Bernie Madoff required medical attention this weekend for what the press has described as "dizziness and shortness of breath" - or as inmates described it, "an ass raping."
A Case for the Ed Hardy Boys :
Controversial reality television dad, Jon Gosselin's posh Manhattan apartment was trashed and robbed this weekend while he was in Pennsylvania for the holidays. Police are seeking anyone who might have negative feelings toward Jon Gosselin, and they've already narrowed their list to everyone.
New Year's Green Eve :
The annual New Year's celebration in New York's Time Square was given an eco-friendly makeover this year. The crystal ball will be lit by LED lights, confetti will be reused, and Dick Clark will be outfitted with a recyclable diaper.
A British man was given an artificial sphincter last week and his bowel movements are now controlled with a remote control. The device is a huge technological breakthrough for medicine, it does however result in quite a mess when his dog gets a hold of that remote.
White Collar, Red Stool :
Bernie Madoff required medical attention this weekend for what the press has described as "dizziness and shortness of breath" - or as inmates described it, "an ass raping."
A Case for the Ed Hardy Boys :
Controversial reality television dad, Jon Gosselin's posh Manhattan apartment was trashed and robbed this weekend while he was in Pennsylvania for the holidays. Police are seeking anyone who might have negative feelings toward Jon Gosselin, and they've already narrowed their list to everyone.
New Year's Green Eve :
The annual New Year's celebration in New York's Time Square was given an eco-friendly makeover this year. The crystal ball will be lit by LED lights, confetti will be reused, and Dick Clark will be outfitted with a recyclable diaper.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
HEADLINES
Little League Baller :
A 5th grader in Indiana got in trouble this week for bringing $10,000 in cash to school which he had taken from his grandfather's safe. Unfortunately he couldn't go through with his after school plans of making it rain on Chuck E. Cheese waitresses.
Eeeeeevil Womaaaaan :
A 54 year old woman in Minnesota has been arrested for pulling a man so hard by the genitals that he required medical attention and several stitches. The woman is expected to get probation, unless of course she gets a male judge in which case she's looking at death by lethal injection.
First Time Long Time :
President Barack Obama surprised listeners yesterday by calling into a Washington DC talk radio station as "Barry from DC." Listeners were even more surprised when he begged for OzzFest tickets.
Vagi-gills :
A man was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday for attempting to smuggle endangered fish into the United States. Authorities were quick to react when they noticed an odd odor, and have already issued an apology to an innocent female bystander for questioning her feminine hygiene.
(Yup... That's what I'm leading into my MERRY CHRISTMAS with)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
A 5th grader in Indiana got in trouble this week for bringing $10,000 in cash to school which he had taken from his grandfather's safe. Unfortunately he couldn't go through with his after school plans of making it rain on Chuck E. Cheese waitresses.
Eeeeeevil Womaaaaan :
A 54 year old woman in Minnesota has been arrested for pulling a man so hard by the genitals that he required medical attention and several stitches. The woman is expected to get probation, unless of course she gets a male judge in which case she's looking at death by lethal injection.
First Time Long Time :
President Barack Obama surprised listeners yesterday by calling into a Washington DC talk radio station as "Barry from DC." Listeners were even more surprised when he begged for OzzFest tickets.
Vagi-gills :
A man was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday for attempting to smuggle endangered fish into the United States. Authorities were quick to react when they noticed an odd odor, and have already issued an apology to an innocent female bystander for questioning her feminine hygiene.
(Yup... That's what I'm leading into my MERRY CHRISTMAS with)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
HEADLINES
Winter Wonderland :
In the early hours of Sunday morning a spontaneous snowball fight broke out in Time Square involving hundreds of people. It was all fun and games until a snowball hit the MTV building, and old man Kurt Loder called the police.
The Stork is Coming... and has Syphilis :
Media outlets are reporting that troubled reality star Tila Tequila will act as a surrogate mother for her brother. This couldn't come at a better time, as US Magazine is reporting that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is the new Autism.
Spending Time with Tiger :
Amidst current controversy, Tiger Woods has lost his endorsement deal with watch company Tag Hauer. It's not all bad news, however, as he did acquire a new deal with their raunchy affiliate "Tag A Whauer."
Lethal Weapon V :
Hollywood actor Danny Glover has scrutinized President Barack Obama for not doing enough to help black people. Barack Obama fired back with three words, "Operation - Dumbo - Drop."
In the early hours of Sunday morning a spontaneous snowball fight broke out in Time Square involving hundreds of people. It was all fun and games until a snowball hit the MTV building, and old man Kurt Loder called the police.
The Stork is Coming... and has Syphilis :
Media outlets are reporting that troubled reality star Tila Tequila will act as a surrogate mother for her brother. This couldn't come at a better time, as US Magazine is reporting that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is the new Autism.
Spending Time with Tiger :
Amidst current controversy, Tiger Woods has lost his endorsement deal with watch company Tag Hauer. It's not all bad news, however, as he did acquire a new deal with their raunchy affiliate "Tag A Whauer."
Lethal Weapon V :
Hollywood actor Danny Glover has scrutinized President Barack Obama for not doing enough to help black people. Barack Obama fired back with three words, "Operation - Dumbo - Drop."
Monday, December 21, 2009
HEADLINES
Keep the Change You Filthy Animal :
A man in Ohio left a $72 tip at a Taco Bell this weekend for a .99 cent taco, simply saying "Merry Christmas." The man left an even bigger tip an hour later when buying $30 worth of toilet paper.
Biker Wangs :
Protesters who had planned on riding their bikes naked through Manhattan on Saturday to protest the closing of bike lanes, cancelled their plans due to over a foot of snow and temperatures in the 10s. It was initially reported that three female die-hards still made it out, but upon closer inspection, they were just very cold males.
For a Better Day's Trip :
Vick's Dayquil has recalled 700,000 bottles which accidentally were shipped to stores without child proof caps. "What Vick's Dayquil?" asked 700,000 11 year olds, tripping balls.
Blue Me :
The big winner at the box office this weekend was James Cameron's highly anticipated Sci-Fi adventure, Avatar. The big loser at the box office, was Michael, the 37 year old, obese, virgin who showed up in a costume.
A man in Ohio left a $72 tip at a Taco Bell this weekend for a .99 cent taco, simply saying "Merry Christmas." The man left an even bigger tip an hour later when buying $30 worth of toilet paper.
Biker Wangs :
Protesters who had planned on riding their bikes naked through Manhattan on Saturday to protest the closing of bike lanes, cancelled their plans due to over a foot of snow and temperatures in the 10s. It was initially reported that three female die-hards still made it out, but upon closer inspection, they were just very cold males.
For a Better Day's Trip :
Vick's Dayquil has recalled 700,000 bottles which accidentally were shipped to stores without child proof caps. "What Vick's Dayquil?" asked 700,000 11 year olds, tripping balls.
Blue Me :
The big winner at the box office this weekend was James Cameron's highly anticipated Sci-Fi adventure, Avatar. The big loser at the box office, was Michael, the 37 year old, obese, virgin who showed up in a costume.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
CENTENNIAL HEADLINES
That's right guys. This is my 100th blog entry. This blog has changed a lot since I started it in early 2008, but my mission has always been the same; make you guys laugh. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback, offended a few (who I didn't like anyway), but most importantly I've had a really fun time doing it. I spend 30 minutes to an hour everyday trying to be funny, and the fact that you guys take the time to read it is really cool. Thanks, and here's to 100 more!
Nice Headlights :
A female teenager in New Zealand was hit by a car this week while flashing oncoming traffic. Luckily the young woman was not hurt, as her airbags were deployed.
Beer Flows Like Wine :
To fill the stands this past weekend, the NBA's Sacramento Kings offered a special $1 beer promotion - or as fans came to call it, a 6 month suspended license promotion.
Night Putting :
The neighbors of Tiger Woods have told the press that the troubled golfer has been seen and heard out hitting golf balls at odd times during the night. This scenario sees highly unlikely, however, as Tiger's wife has his balls in a noose.
You ARE the Father :
This week the former mistress of Senator John Edwards is expected to reveal that her child is actually his and sue him for as much as $17,000 a month in child support - or as Edwards calls that, "haircut money."
I Now Pronounce You Man and Machine :
A Japanese man legally married a female video game avatar this week. The honeymoon was going great till the man accidentally inserted his memory stick into her floppy disk drive.
Earth.0 :
NASA scientists have discovered a new planet 40 light years away that is nearly identical to Earth in size, chemical makeup, and general appearance, yet there is no sign of life. The planet has aptly been named "Frank Stallone."
Christmas Links -
24 on 34th Street
Hall and Oates
"Shitter was Full!"
Nice Headlights :
A female teenager in New Zealand was hit by a car this week while flashing oncoming traffic. Luckily the young woman was not hurt, as her airbags were deployed.
Beer Flows Like Wine :
To fill the stands this past weekend, the NBA's Sacramento Kings offered a special $1 beer promotion - or as fans came to call it, a 6 month suspended license promotion.
Night Putting :
The neighbors of Tiger Woods have told the press that the troubled golfer has been seen and heard out hitting golf balls at odd times during the night. This scenario sees highly unlikely, however, as Tiger's wife has his balls in a noose.
You ARE the Father :
This week the former mistress of Senator John Edwards is expected to reveal that her child is actually his and sue him for as much as $17,000 a month in child support - or as Edwards calls that, "haircut money."
I Now Pronounce You Man and Machine :
A Japanese man legally married a female video game avatar this week. The honeymoon was going great till the man accidentally inserted his memory stick into her floppy disk drive.
Earth.0 :
NASA scientists have discovered a new planet 40 light years away that is nearly identical to Earth in size, chemical makeup, and general appearance, yet there is no sign of life. The planet has aptly been named "Frank Stallone."
Christmas Links -
24 on 34th Street
Hall and Oates
"Shitter was Full!"
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
HEADLINES
We Snortin' :
Jamaican reggae star Buju Banton, was arrested this week and charged with possession of 11 pounds of cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that Banton didn't have a steel drum band, it was just his teeth grinding.
McWiFi :
Fast food giant McDonald's, has announced plans to offer wireless Internet to it's customers starting sometime in 2010. Good luck explaining that special sauce stain on your keyboard to your friends.
To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Barack Obama :
The press is reporting that Barack Obama has sent a personal letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il in an attempt to alleviate the tension between their two nations. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden sent a singing telegram to Hugo Chavez.
The Tiger King :
Today the Associated Press named Tiger Woods "Athlete of the Decade", narrowly beating out Lance Armstrong. The two men had similar careers this decade - Armstrong overcame cancer and Woods came over cocktail waitresses.
(I apologize for two seamen jokes ... won't happen again)
Jamaican reggae star Buju Banton, was arrested this week and charged with possession of 11 pounds of cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that Banton didn't have a steel drum band, it was just his teeth grinding.
McWiFi :
Fast food giant McDonald's, has announced plans to offer wireless Internet to it's customers starting sometime in 2010. Good luck explaining that special sauce stain on your keyboard to your friends.
To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Barack Obama :
The press is reporting that Barack Obama has sent a personal letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il in an attempt to alleviate the tension between their two nations. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden sent a singing telegram to Hugo Chavez.
The Tiger King :
Today the Associated Press named Tiger Woods "Athlete of the Decade", narrowly beating out Lance Armstrong. The two men had similar careers this decade - Armstrong overcame cancer and Woods came over cocktail waitresses.
(I apologize for two seamen jokes ... won't happen again)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
HEADLINES
I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas :
A town in Italy is outraged about a public nativity scene which portrays Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as black. The town spokesman has apologized for the controversy and is set to display new figurines with olive skin, tank tops, and scally caps.
Titanic 2.0 :
James Cameron's much anticipated film Avatar will be released this weekend after nearly 10 years of planning by the director. The Sci-Fi community expects the film to be a definitive piece of cinema mixing the best of live action with groundbreaking CGI effects. The non Sci-Fi community expects it to be a three hour cartoon.
Mother of the Year :
A Colorado woman and her son are receiving recognition as business moguls for the success of their out of home business which grows and distributes medical marijuana. Like all business moguls, they drafted a mission statement, wowed investors, then sat around eating Pop Tarts and watching Nick Jr.
Year of the Poon :
Almost 3,500 Chinese people were arrested this week as part of a government sting to shut down illegal pornography sites. No word yet on where the people of China will turn now for their Caucasian fetish porn.
A town in Italy is outraged about a public nativity scene which portrays Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as black. The town spokesman has apologized for the controversy and is set to display new figurines with olive skin, tank tops, and scally caps.
Titanic 2.0 :
James Cameron's much anticipated film Avatar will be released this weekend after nearly 10 years of planning by the director. The Sci-Fi community expects the film to be a definitive piece of cinema mixing the best of live action with groundbreaking CGI effects. The non Sci-Fi community expects it to be a three hour cartoon.
Mother of the Year :
A Colorado woman and her son are receiving recognition as business moguls for the success of their out of home business which grows and distributes medical marijuana. Like all business moguls, they drafted a mission statement, wowed investors, then sat around eating Pop Tarts and watching Nick Jr.
Year of the Poon :
Almost 3,500 Chinese people were arrested this week as part of a government sting to shut down illegal pornography sites. No word yet on where the people of China will turn now for their Caucasian fetish porn.
Monday, December 14, 2009
HEADLINES
Granny Get Your Gun :
In Massachusetts a 100 year old woman has been arrested for killing her 98 year old nursing home roommate. The woman is likely to spend the rest of her life in prison - that's right, the entire week.
SAT 2 1/2 :
A test prep business in New York City is now offering tutoring to 3 year olds in preparation for the entrance exam to upscale kindergartens. The first lesson they teach is, don't shit your pants during the exam.
Panda Bear-y White :
Zookeepers in Australia are attempting with limited success to have two pandas in captivity mate. Every time they appear to be getting close the female panda gets a headache.
Heroine Sheiky Friday :
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan has begun auctioning off her old, used clothing on her website - so if you ever wanted high end clothing covered in cigarette ash, ejaculate, and cocaine residue, your prayers have been answered.
In Massachusetts a 100 year old woman has been arrested for killing her 98 year old nursing home roommate. The woman is likely to spend the rest of her life in prison - that's right, the entire week.
SAT 2 1/2 :
A test prep business in New York City is now offering tutoring to 3 year olds in preparation for the entrance exam to upscale kindergartens. The first lesson they teach is, don't shit your pants during the exam.
Panda Bear-y White :
Zookeepers in Australia are attempting with limited success to have two pandas in captivity mate. Every time they appear to be getting close the female panda gets a headache.
Heroine Sheiky Friday :
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan has begun auctioning off her old, used clothing on her website - so if you ever wanted high end clothing covered in cigarette ash, ejaculate, and cocaine residue, your prayers have been answered.
Friday, December 11, 2009
HEADLINES
Amster-Damn You! :
A man in Amsterdam is in hot water for calling the authorities to report that someone had stolen his stash of ecstasy pills. The man will likely be put on probation which will limit him to two hash brownies and one prostitute a day.
Number One with a Manischewitz :
A chef has released a recipe for the Jewish favorite latkes, using ingredients entirely from the fast food chain Wendy's for the Hanukkah season - or as they will undoubtedly be called in the deep south, Deep Fried Jew Burgers.
Band on the Hop :
In an interview this week Paul McCartney admitted that his marriage to Heather Mills was a big mistake. Many thought it was obvious from the get go, that the marriage didn't have legs.
Contact Your Caddy for Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours :
While women continue to come forward and claim sexual encounters with Tiger Woods, Tiger continues to lose his countless endorsement deals. Luckily the troubled golfer is in talks with Pfizer to create an erectile dysfunction pill tentatively called, "Tiger Wood."*
*Submitted by my father.
A man in Amsterdam is in hot water for calling the authorities to report that someone had stolen his stash of ecstasy pills. The man will likely be put on probation which will limit him to two hash brownies and one prostitute a day.
Number One with a Manischewitz :
A chef has released a recipe for the Jewish favorite latkes, using ingredients entirely from the fast food chain Wendy's for the Hanukkah season - or as they will undoubtedly be called in the deep south, Deep Fried Jew Burgers.
Band on the Hop :
In an interview this week Paul McCartney admitted that his marriage to Heather Mills was a big mistake. Many thought it was obvious from the get go, that the marriage didn't have legs.
Contact Your Caddy for Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours :
While women continue to come forward and claim sexual encounters with Tiger Woods, Tiger continues to lose his countless endorsement deals. Luckily the troubled golfer is in talks with Pfizer to create an erectile dysfunction pill tentatively called, "Tiger Wood."*
*Submitted by my father.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
HEADLINES
Pee-U-I :
A Wisconsin man was sentenced to a year in prison this week for urinating on a police officer when he was pulled over for a DUI last year. The man has a whole year of confinement to think about what he did, and laugh hysterically.
Shore Thing :
Many sponsors have pulled their ads from MTV's "Jersey Shore" due to coming attractions which show female cast mate Snookie getting punched in the face by a man. One sponsor which is standing strong - "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts.
Oral Exams :
As reported yesterday, a female Spanish teacher, and female French teacher, were immediately fired from a New York school when they were caught having sexual intercourse in a vacant classroom. The school board has now turned its investigation to a suspicious pizza delivery boy and cable repair man.
Washington v. Redskins :
The United States government is set to pay Native Americans over $3 billion to settle a lawsuit filed in 1996. Due to the dire economic times, payment will be made in alcohol, Mohegan Sun chips, and tainted blankets.
A Wisconsin man was sentenced to a year in prison this week for urinating on a police officer when he was pulled over for a DUI last year. The man has a whole year of confinement to think about what he did, and laugh hysterically.
Shore Thing :
Many sponsors have pulled their ads from MTV's "Jersey Shore" due to coming attractions which show female cast mate Snookie getting punched in the face by a man. One sponsor which is standing strong - "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts.
Oral Exams :
As reported yesterday, a female Spanish teacher, and female French teacher, were immediately fired from a New York school when they were caught having sexual intercourse in a vacant classroom. The school board has now turned its investigation to a suspicious pizza delivery boy and cable repair man.
Washington v. Redskins :
The United States government is set to pay Native Americans over $3 billion to settle a lawsuit filed in 1996. Due to the dire economic times, payment will be made in alcohol, Mohegan Sun chips, and tainted blankets.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
HEADLINES
The Truth Was Out There :
Due to economic hardship, the the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense opted to shut down it's UFO unit last week. This could mean bad news for the UK's Sasquatch and Loch Ness Monster departments.
Walk Toe to Tar Heel :
A North Carolina woman was arrested this week for selling moonshine out of her day care center. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they noticed her pupils inability to hopscotch in a straight line.
No Country For Old Perverts :
A 100 year old sex offender is set to be released from federal custody later this month in New York. So lock up those innocent, impressionable, 65 year olds.
Hot For Teacher :
Two female high school teachers in New York are in serious trouble for engaging in sexual intercourse with one another in an empty classroom. The women were reported to the school by a suspicious janitor as soon as he washed his hands.
Due to economic hardship, the the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense opted to shut down it's UFO unit last week. This could mean bad news for the UK's Sasquatch and Loch Ness Monster departments.
Walk Toe to Tar Heel :
A North Carolina woman was arrested this week for selling moonshine out of her day care center. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they noticed her pupils inability to hopscotch in a straight line.
No Country For Old Perverts :
A 100 year old sex offender is set to be released from federal custody later this month in New York. So lock up those innocent, impressionable, 65 year olds.
Hot For Teacher :
Two female high school teachers in New York are in serious trouble for engaging in sexual intercourse with one another in an empty classroom. The women were reported to the school by a suspicious janitor as soon as he washed his hands.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
HEADLINES
I Love You, 911 :
A Tennessee man was arrested this weekend for drunk dialing 9-1-1 just to talk. The man will be given a free pass, as he and 9-1-1 recently ended a pretty long and serious relationship.
North Korean Tuxedo :
A company in North Korea has just started distributing a posh designer jean; the first of its kind from the country's limited fashion industry. Unfortunately the jeans are designed for North Koreans, however, and need to be advertised to Westerners as designer jorts.
The Daly News :
Troubled PGA golfer John Daly, told ESPN this week that he really wants to produce a biopic about his rough and tumble life, and he says he wants Kevin James to star. The working title of the project is "King of Whores."
Zhu Zhu Horror :
It was first reported yesterday, that this years hottest holiday toy the Zhu Zhu pet, a motorized gerbil, may contain a hazardous metal which can pose serious health risks. In related news, Richard Gere's colon is in critical condition.
"John the Greek" -
Last night I had a vivid dream that the New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers in this years Super Bowl. If this comes to fruition I will direct you back to this entry. If it does not... well, you'll never see this again.
A Tennessee man was arrested this weekend for drunk dialing 9-1-1 just to talk. The man will be given a free pass, as he and 9-1-1 recently ended a pretty long and serious relationship.
North Korean Tuxedo :
A company in North Korea has just started distributing a posh designer jean; the first of its kind from the country's limited fashion industry. Unfortunately the jeans are designed for North Koreans, however, and need to be advertised to Westerners as designer jorts.
The Daly News :
Troubled PGA golfer John Daly, told ESPN this week that he really wants to produce a biopic about his rough and tumble life, and he says he wants Kevin James to star. The working title of the project is "King of Whores."
Zhu Zhu Horror :
It was first reported yesterday, that this years hottest holiday toy the Zhu Zhu pet, a motorized gerbil, may contain a hazardous metal which can pose serious health risks. In related news, Richard Gere's colon is in critical condition.
"John the Greek" -
Last night I had a vivid dream that the New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers in this years Super Bowl. If this comes to fruition I will direct you back to this entry. If it does not... well, you'll never see this again.
Monday, December 7, 2009
HEADLINES
Governing Hot Bodies :
Governor Charlie Crist of Florida has apologized for accidentally forwarding calls from uninsured parents to a phone sex line instead of a state sponsored toll-free number. The glitch has been corrected, but the parents are still going to be screwed.
Cock Flight :
A man from Guatemala was arrested at Dulles Airport this weekend for attempting to bring $4,000 worth of cocaine into the US, hidden in a cooked chicken. Authorities became suspicious when the cooked chicken escaped from a bag and ran in circles for 14 hours.
Monkey See, Monkey Upload :
Nonja, an orangutan in an Austrian zoo, has become a Facebook sensation due to her ability to take pictures, which are then uploaded onto her Facebook page. One person who's not amused is Be-Bop, the tweeting rhino.
The Wonderful Thing About Tigers :
The newest woman to come forward and claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods is an adult film actress. Needless to say, Tiger had no trouble on that hole.
Governor Charlie Crist of Florida has apologized for accidentally forwarding calls from uninsured parents to a phone sex line instead of a state sponsored toll-free number. The glitch has been corrected, but the parents are still going to be screwed.
Cock Flight :
A man from Guatemala was arrested at Dulles Airport this weekend for attempting to bring $4,000 worth of cocaine into the US, hidden in a cooked chicken. Authorities became suspicious when the cooked chicken escaped from a bag and ran in circles for 14 hours.
Monkey See, Monkey Upload :
Nonja, an orangutan in an Austrian zoo, has become a Facebook sensation due to her ability to take pictures, which are then uploaded onto her Facebook page. One person who's not amused is Be-Bop, the tweeting rhino.
The Wonderful Thing About Tigers :
The newest woman to come forward and claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods is an adult film actress. Needless to say, Tiger had no trouble on that hole.
Friday, December 4, 2009
HEADLINES
Kitty Life :
A company is marketing a new "Cat Cam" which will allow cat owners to watch their cats when they are not home. This will be the first time you can look at a pussy on your work computer without getting fired.
Totes Tying the Knizot :
A Maryland man has under come scrutiny for updating his Facebook status from the altar during his own wedding last week. The man is expected to make similar headlines when he tweets from his annulment this week.
Alabama Slamma 2.0 :
An Alabama man was arrested yesterday for hiding in a Walmart after it had closed and attempting to rob the store's cash registers. The man has been arrested and charged with stealing ideas from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Tommy J :
A graduate student who was cleaning out the library at the University of Delaware this week was astonished to find an original letter composed by the third President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. The title of the letter was, "52 year old white man seeking some brown sugar."
A company is marketing a new "Cat Cam" which will allow cat owners to watch their cats when they are not home. This will be the first time you can look at a pussy on your work computer without getting fired.
Totes Tying the Knizot :
A Maryland man has under come scrutiny for updating his Facebook status from the altar during his own wedding last week. The man is expected to make similar headlines when he tweets from his annulment this week.
Alabama Slamma 2.0 :
An Alabama man was arrested yesterday for hiding in a Walmart after it had closed and attempting to rob the store's cash registers. The man has been arrested and charged with stealing ideas from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.
Tommy J :
A graduate student who was cleaning out the library at the University of Delaware this week was astonished to find an original letter composed by the third President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. The title of the letter was, "52 year old white man seeking some brown sugar."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
HEADLINES
Tiger in the Rough :
More women are continuing to come out and allege sexual affairs with Tiger Woods following his car accident earlier this week. It's now clear why there are so many dimples in his balls.
Pea-Cock of the Walk :
The media giant Comcast has purchased a controlling stock in NBC for an alleged 30 billion dollars despite the networks rating struggles. Comcast decided to purchase NBC after being turned down by ABC, CBS, Fox, BET, QVC, The Game Show Network, and the Catholic Channel.
Blame it on the Henny :
Troubled NBA star Ron Artest admitted yesterday to frequently drinking Hennessey during halftime of games earlier in his career. This makes sense, as an audio investigation of his famous melee in Detroit reveals him saying, "Ima let you finish, but Pacers fans are the best fans of all time!!!"
Nipped in the Butt :
As reported earlier this week, the former Ms. Argentina tragically passed away while undergoing elective surgery for a butt lift. Luckily for the doctors involved, the victim's family has decided to turn the other cheek.*
*RIP
More women are continuing to come out and allege sexual affairs with Tiger Woods following his car accident earlier this week. It's now clear why there are so many dimples in his balls.
Pea-Cock of the Walk :
The media giant Comcast has purchased a controlling stock in NBC for an alleged 30 billion dollars despite the networks rating struggles. Comcast decided to purchase NBC after being turned down by ABC, CBS, Fox, BET, QVC, The Game Show Network, and the Catholic Channel.
Blame it on the Henny :
Troubled NBA star Ron Artest admitted yesterday to frequently drinking Hennessey during halftime of games earlier in his career. This makes sense, as an audio investigation of his famous melee in Detroit reveals him saying, "Ima let you finish, but Pacers fans are the best fans of all time!!!"
Nipped in the Butt :
As reported earlier this week, the former Ms. Argentina tragically passed away while undergoing elective surgery for a butt lift. Luckily for the doctors involved, the victim's family has decided to turn the other cheek.*
*RIP
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
HEADLINES
Throw the Facebook at 'Em :
This week 3,500 sex offenders from the state of New York were stripped of their Facebook and Myspace accounts in accordance with a new state law. It looks like it's back to the park bench!
Open a Tab :
A researcher has announced that a shockingly high number of children ages 1 to 18 swallowed the tabs from soda cans this year. This means your grandfather's assertions were right; children are stupider these days.
Yahoo Yahoos :
The Internet search engine Yahoo! announced today that the three most widely searched topics for 2009 were "Michael Jackson," "Twilight," and "WWE." That's right, it took a decade, but Yahoo! finally cornered the racially ambiguous, pedophile, pre-teens, who live in a trailer park, market.
Baby's Got Back :
In sad news, former Ms. Argentina died this week during elective surgery to get a butt lift. Medical examiners are hopeful and say they found a big crack in the case.*
*Bravo, John.
This week 3,500 sex offenders from the state of New York were stripped of their Facebook and Myspace accounts in accordance with a new state law. It looks like it's back to the park bench!
Open a Tab :
A researcher has announced that a shockingly high number of children ages 1 to 18 swallowed the tabs from soda cans this year. This means your grandfather's assertions were right; children are stupider these days.
Yahoo Yahoos :
The Internet search engine Yahoo! announced today that the three most widely searched topics for 2009 were "Michael Jackson," "Twilight," and "WWE." That's right, it took a decade, but Yahoo! finally cornered the racially ambiguous, pedophile, pre-teens, who live in a trailer park, market.
Baby's Got Back :
In sad news, former Ms. Argentina died this week during elective surgery to get a butt lift. Medical examiners are hopeful and say they found a big crack in the case.*
*Bravo, John.
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