HEADLINES

Neither a Road Nor an Island :
The state government of Rhode Island has decided to earn some extra revenue by auctioning off unclaimed properties on Ebay. The government of Delaware took notice, and has decided to boost state morale by joining Adult Friend Finder.

Jackassery :
A live Nativity scene in Colorado went awry last week when two donkeys broke away from their handlers and began running the streets. Staying true to the the original Bible story, the three wise men chased down and sedated said donkeys, as the Virgin Mary had a cigarette and the Baby Jesus shit himself.

A Time to Chill :
Authorities in Southern California seized a teddy bear from a toy store last week which was stuffed with a substantial amount of marijuana. There is still no word on what Levi McConaughey received in its place.

Do the Doggy Bounce :
The American Kennel Club has voted Snoopy from The Peanuts as the most famous dog in popular culture. It's widely assumed that Goofy ruined his chances after the release of his controversial coke fueled sex tape earlier this year.