HEADLINES

Kiss-mas Ban :
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.

2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.

The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.

GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.