HEADLINES

Love Is a Well Placed Dumpster :
A Kansas couple who were engaging in sexual intercourse in a dumpster were held up and robbed at knife point earlier this week. You heard it here, getting robbed at knife point, about the 50th reason you shouldn't be having sex in a dumpster.

Dr. Seuss's "The Cat in the Couch" :
An Ohio man discovered this week that a couch he had acquired from a Goodwill store had a living kitten lodged between the cushions. Apparently the salesman was being quite literal when he guaranteed the couch would lead to him getting pussy.

Obamye West :
During an off the record portion of an interview yesterday President Barack Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Video Music Awards. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter all had a different, yet similar reaction to the controversy, "What's a Kanye West?"

The Last Samurai :
A Johns Hopkins student confronted a would be robber in his off campus apartment last night and killed the man with a Samurai sword. When authorities asked the student what he was doing with a Samurai sword, he explained it's simply a loner while his Gattling gun is in the shop.