HEADLINES

"Get Out of Mom's Basement Free" Card :
A 19 year old Monopoly expert won one of the largest Monopoly tournaments ever assembled in Las Vegas this past weekend. The man will share his $20,000 prize with those closest to him; his right hand and his left hand.

The Good (?) Reverend :
MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced the Reverend Jesse Jackson as the Revernd Al Sharpton live on air this week. In Brewer's defense, all middle-aged, attention whores, with questionable titles, who relate everything to race no matter the circumstance, do look somewhat similar.

How Did I Get Here? :
New York City police are attempting to identify a teenage woman who they discovered in Times Square last week, with no identification, and no idea who she is. The only information the woman retained was information from a fantasy novel she believed she was writing. Authorities will begin by reaching out to drug dealers with awesome LSD.

Granny Get Your Gun :
Police in Madrid arrested a 92 year old woman in a wheelchair this weekend for smuggling cocaine into the country. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they saw her wheelchair going 55 MPH and the spokes were grinding.

The Red Peril :
After a successful dinner meeting with NBA officials yesterday it appears as if a Russian billionaire will get the go ahead to purchase the New Jersey Nets and help facilitate their move to a state of the art facility in Brooklyn. The only thing standing in front of him is the Brooklyn Zoning Commission... and Jack Bauer.