HEADLINES

Lieutenant Calf :
A calf in New Mexico who lost its hind legs in an accident several months ago was fitted with two prosthetic legs this week. The calf can now walk under its own strength to the slaughterhouse to become delicious veal.

Gloria in Excelsis Fido :
A Presbyterian church in California is now allowing its parishioners to bring their dogs to mass. This despite the well known fact that dogs are firm believers in transubstantiation.

Sesame Street Meat :
The famous children's educational series Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on air this week. "&*%^#$@!*&^%$#!" proclaimed Linda.

Brotherly Love :
Barack Obama's half-brother Mark, who has admittedly only met the President a handful of times, is releasing a tell all book about his relationship with his famous brother and their abusive father. The book will aptly be titled, "Ka-Ching!"*

*Onomatopoeia