HEADLINES

The Evolution of Paper :
An original Charles Darwin text has been discovered in a London home and is expected to make millions in an auction later this month. The text, written approximately 150 years ago, is currently walking homo-erectis and making tools.

The Mutants of Wal-Mart :
A Long Island woman has been arrested after leaving her two year old child in a running car outside of a Wal-Mart as she ran inside to shop. The woman will likely lose custody of her child, but on the bright side she does have a 50 pack of Scotch Tape.

Water/Tree Penalty :
Golfer Tiger Woods was involved in a single car accident over the weekend when he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree while leaving his driveway. While the cause of the accident is still uncertain, all signs point to his being half Asian.

The Pale Revolution :
For the second weekend in a row, Twilight: New Moon dominated at the box office, making over $40 million. In related news, for the second week in a row a disproportionate amount of middle schoolers got to second base.