HEADLINES

Hamsters Not Included :
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.

Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.

Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."

The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."