THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING
"Subway Series"
Well it's that time of year; the Yankees and the Mets face off for New York baseball dominance. I was set to go to the first game this Friday, but nature had other plans. Then came Saturday's game, and the coverage on YES was shameful. Obviously they have never had a blimp at a game before because they were clueless as to how to use the aerial shots. I am poised to say that 55% of the first 3 innings were shown from the blimp. I may have contracted vertigo (if that's possible).
Whilst enjoying the subway series, I was informed of a very interesting fact by my friend and colleague John E. Roe. Johnny tells me that there was a time in America's past time (before the Yankee's payroll was equivalent to the Gross National Product of Belize) when Major Leaguers like Yogi Berra and Whitey Ford used to have jobs during the off season just to pay the bills. This got me to thinking. What if this was still the case? What would our favorite Yankees be doing during the off season? Don't worry your pretty little heads, Uncle John is going to tell you...
Jason Giambi (1B)- Bouncer at a NJ Boardwalk dive bar that no one goes to.
Robinson Cano (2B) - A bus boy at an upscale restaurant who shows real potential to one day be a waiter.
Derek Jeter (SS) - Stockbroker/sex-addicted Genesis fan in a nice suit.
Alex Rodriguez (3B) - The asshole outside Abercrombie & Fitch with no shirt on.
Bobby Abreu (RF) - Latin pop star.
Melky Cabrera (CF) - The guy who hand drys your car at the end of the car wash (the kind where you sit in the car... obviously)
Johnny Damon (LF) - Mowgli in an off Broadway production of Disney's "The Jungle Book."
Hideki Matsui (DH) - Sushi chef with a proclivity for hardcore, barely legal porno; the type stuff you can't get in the mail.
Shelley Duncan (Bench) - Matthew Lilliard's stand in.
Morgan Ensberg (Bench) - Head counselor at a leadership camp who's very sad deep down.
Ian Kennedy (SP) - Anything where he would undoubtedly under achieve and let everyone down.
Phil Hughes (SP) - A member of the Goljan family.
Brian Bruney (RP) - Drunk.
Kyle Farnsworth (RP) - Guy Pierce's stand in.
Mariano Rivera (Closer) - Overly protective/cautious owner/manager of a Bodega who is convinced everyone is trying to steal from him.
Play Ball!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
April 27, 2008
THIS WEEK'S NEWS:
SPORTS
"Draft Madness"
The NFL draft took place this weekend and Arkansas running back Darren McFadden was taken fourth overall despite serious concerns about his character and off field issues, most notably his penchant for illegitimate children. The Raiders are already drafting his contract to include a vasectomy and a bi-monthly appearance on "Maury."
WORLD
"Private Dick"
Authorities in the Congo have arrested a man suspected of being a "penis snatcher." The man is said to have been cursing men with voodoo to make their penises small and impotent. Authorities feel confident in assuming he had already conquered Ireland.
POLITICS
"Johnny B. Angry"
It has been reported that during his first presidential campaign in 2000, Senator John McCain snapped at his wife and amongst other things, called her a "trollop." The incident officially establishes that John McCain is incredibly old.
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
(NOTE: Not for the weak of heart... for German pornographers)
"Shit Out of Luck"
Well if there's one thing we learn as a child its the fact that "Everybody Poops." There's even a book of the same name (get the Pulitzer ready). As we grow old though, the simple concept of excretion becomes increasingly embarassing. Especially if you're like me and make a habit of popping a squat 3 to 4 times a day. Perhaps there's no more embarassing time to do this most human of things, however, as during a house party. The sensation hits you like a sledgehammer to the kidneys and you know its time. Several things will always happen... and in this order...
1) You wait until there is no one around the bathroom and get in line.
2) The girl who you could see yourself going home with will line up behind you.
3) You offer her your spot in a corny way and say something borderline pedophilic (i.e. "who said chivalry is dead?")
4) She turns you down due to the fact that she will be bringing upwards of 4 friends with her (what the fuck do you ladies do in there?)
5) The door opens and its your turn.
6) You sit on the pot with your pants barely down (basically only your ass exposed), lean forward and press your hands against the door (I never trust locks in these situations).
7) You take an implausably fast shit (2 mins 30 secs tops).
8) You notice there's no toilet paper... QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE - New York Times? Wash cloth? or your own sock?... you decide.
9) There is no air freshener and the room smells like a tijuana port-a-potty.
10) You collect every scented thing in the room (hair spray is clutch) and cover the room in it.
11) Exit and exchange a friendly smile with the girls.
12) Get awkward stares for the rest of the night.
So what did we learn today, kids? Sure, everybody poops, but at what cost?
SPORTS
"Draft Madness"
The NFL draft took place this weekend and Arkansas running back Darren McFadden was taken fourth overall despite serious concerns about his character and off field issues, most notably his penchant for illegitimate children. The Raiders are already drafting his contract to include a vasectomy and a bi-monthly appearance on "Maury."
WORLD
"Private Dick"
Authorities in the Congo have arrested a man suspected of being a "penis snatcher." The man is said to have been cursing men with voodoo to make their penises small and impotent. Authorities feel confident in assuming he had already conquered Ireland.
POLITICS
"Johnny B. Angry"
It has been reported that during his first presidential campaign in 2000, Senator John McCain snapped at his wife and amongst other things, called her a "trollop." The incident officially establishes that John McCain is incredibly old.
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
(NOTE: Not for the weak of heart... for German pornographers)
"Shit Out of Luck"
Well if there's one thing we learn as a child its the fact that "Everybody Poops." There's even a book of the same name (get the Pulitzer ready). As we grow old though, the simple concept of excretion becomes increasingly embarassing. Especially if you're like me and make a habit of popping a squat 3 to 4 times a day. Perhaps there's no more embarassing time to do this most human of things, however, as during a house party. The sensation hits you like a sledgehammer to the kidneys and you know its time. Several things will always happen... and in this order...
1) You wait until there is no one around the bathroom and get in line.
2) The girl who you could see yourself going home with will line up behind you.
3) You offer her your spot in a corny way and say something borderline pedophilic (i.e. "who said chivalry is dead?")
4) She turns you down due to the fact that she will be bringing upwards of 4 friends with her (what the fuck do you ladies do in there?)
5) The door opens and its your turn.
6) You sit on the pot with your pants barely down (basically only your ass exposed), lean forward and press your hands against the door (I never trust locks in these situations).
7) You take an implausably fast shit (2 mins 30 secs tops).
8) You notice there's no toilet paper... QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE - New York Times? Wash cloth? or your own sock?... you decide.
9) There is no air freshener and the room smells like a tijuana port-a-potty.
10) You collect every scented thing in the room (hair spray is clutch) and cover the room in it.
11) Exit and exchange a friendly smile with the girls.
12) Get awkward stares for the rest of the night.
So what did we learn today, kids? Sure, everybody poops, but at what cost?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
March 29, 2008 (Back from Sabbatical)
THIS WEEK'S NEW:
ENTERTAINMENT
"Shake a Leg"
Heather Mills, the ex-wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, was awarded $50 million in a divorce hearing which ended last week in London. Mills believes she deserves more, appealing to the judge and requesting $100 million. The judge told her she didn't have a leg to stand on.
"Britney's Back"
Britney Spears made her return to show business this past week when she appeared in a bit role on the television series "How I Met Your Mother." She is now returning full time to her former project, "How I Lost my Children."
POLITICS
"Governor Blues"
One day after officially being sworn in as the new Governor of New York, blind politician David Paterson admitted to having several affairs in the past. His defense, "I'm not seeing them anymore."
SPORTS
"Madness"
Last week marked the beginning of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament popularly referred to as March Madness; a tradition in which young men from far and wide sacrifice their bodies and emotions for decorations and an ultimate prize. Jim McGreevey refers to this as a "Friday Night Special."
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
"The Birth of John O'Brien"
Well I didn't blog last week due to the fact that I was celebrating the 23rd anniversary of my birth. By 'celebrate' of course I mean killing my body with alcohol with those closest to me observing. I've never been to keen to birthday celebrations. I don't understand why you would be celebrated for something you have no control over. Perhaps the celebration should have been for my mother, after all she did do all the leg work.
Twenty three is an odd age. I feel like in generations past I would have made great accomplishments by now, but no. My only accomplishments are a mediocre Sean Connery impression, great chest hair, and a shitty blog. That's just the way it goes though. I've decided to make a list of things I want to accomplish before I turn 24, but at the same time, I want to make it things I can actually accomplish... Enjoy.
1) Watch 'The Karate Kid' trilogy (that Hilary Swank one doesn't count) in one sitting.
2) Streak at Yankee Stadium.
3) Grow a moustache.
4) Purchase a T-Shirt that says 'Who Wants a Moustache Ride?.'
5) Provide said moustache ride.
6) Purchase a scooter from The Scooter Store and a Hoverround and make a Van Diagram comparing the two.
7) Master the 'Free Bird' solo on guitar.
8) Master the 'Free Bird' solo on guitar hero.
9) Retire my wallabees (shoes I always wear) in a military-esque funeral ceremony.
10) Write a blog entry... (CHECK).
And I'm off...
ENTERTAINMENT
"Shake a Leg"
Heather Mills, the ex-wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, was awarded $50 million in a divorce hearing which ended last week in London. Mills believes she deserves more, appealing to the judge and requesting $100 million. The judge told her she didn't have a leg to stand on.
"Britney's Back"
Britney Spears made her return to show business this past week when she appeared in a bit role on the television series "How I Met Your Mother." She is now returning full time to her former project, "How I Lost my Children."
POLITICS
"Governor Blues"
One day after officially being sworn in as the new Governor of New York, blind politician David Paterson admitted to having several affairs in the past. His defense, "I'm not seeing them anymore."
SPORTS
"Madness"
Last week marked the beginning of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament popularly referred to as March Madness; a tradition in which young men from far and wide sacrifice their bodies and emotions for decorations and an ultimate prize. Jim McGreevey refers to this as a "Friday Night Special."
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
"The Birth of John O'Brien"
Well I didn't blog last week due to the fact that I was celebrating the 23rd anniversary of my birth. By 'celebrate' of course I mean killing my body with alcohol with those closest to me observing. I've never been to keen to birthday celebrations. I don't understand why you would be celebrated for something you have no control over. Perhaps the celebration should have been for my mother, after all she did do all the leg work.
Twenty three is an odd age. I feel like in generations past I would have made great accomplishments by now, but no. My only accomplishments are a mediocre Sean Connery impression, great chest hair, and a shitty blog. That's just the way it goes though. I've decided to make a list of things I want to accomplish before I turn 24, but at the same time, I want to make it things I can actually accomplish... Enjoy.
1) Watch 'The Karate Kid' trilogy (that Hilary Swank one doesn't count) in one sitting.
2) Streak at Yankee Stadium.
3) Grow a moustache.
4) Purchase a T-Shirt that says 'Who Wants a Moustache Ride?.'
5) Provide said moustache ride.
6) Purchase a scooter from The Scooter Store and a Hoverround and make a Van Diagram comparing the two.
7) Master the 'Free Bird' solo on guitar.
8) Master the 'Free Bird' solo on guitar hero.
9) Retire my wallabees (shoes I always wear) in a military-esque funeral ceremony.
10) Write a blog entry... (CHECK).
And I'm off...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
March 15, 2008
THIS WEEK'S NEWS:
POLITICS
"In Love with a Jersey Girl"
On Thursday New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned from office after details came out about a tryst with a high priced prostitute. The prostitute in question was a 22 year old girl from Belmar, New Jersey who charged the governor $4,300 for one hour of service. Apparently no one told the governor it doesn't take $4,300 to get a girl from Belmar; all it takes is an "MTV True Life" special and enough cash for a round of jaeger bombs.
"Blind Ambition"
Lieutenant Governor David Paterson, whom is legally blind, will take over for Spitzer. One thing's for certain, there's no need to worry about Paterson spending $5,000 on a prostitute. He can get one at Port Authority for $10 and not be able to tell the difference.
ENTERTAINMENT
"Pride of the Yankees"
On the eve of his 60th Birthday, actor/comedian Billy Crystal fulfilled a childhood dream by stepping up to bat as a member of the New York Yankees in a spring training game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Billy struck out in six pitches, but did make contact with one ball hitting it foul. Crystal is now the most successful Jewish ballplayer in the history of the Major Leagues.
SOCIETY
"Daddy's Little Whore"
A medical board survey found that 1 in 4 teenage girls in the United States suffers from a Sexually Transmitted Disease. The study also showed that the other 3 were fat... Sorry teenage guys!!!
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
"Fond Memories of Paddy's Past"
This Monday marks my 22nd St Patrick's Day. Do I remember them all? No. Do I remember most of them? Hardly. But here is what I do know. St. Patrick's Day is a day unlike any other, and I'm not saying that because my name starts with an "O apostrophe." Can anyone imagine another day where midday public drunkenness is not only excusable, but practically expected, and everyone completely disregards their cultural roots to embrace anther's? The answer is "No."
While everyone celebrates St. Paddy's in their own special way, from Dublin to New York to Savannah, there are certain things which remain true no matter where you go. One, you must begin the day with an Irish Car Bomb (though don't call them this in Irish sensitive regions of the country); Guinness, Baileys, Jameson... you simply can't go wrong. Two, you must deal with Italian friends who year after year try to convince you that St. Patrick was Italian. Simply not true. He was born in a section of Britain which was controlled by the Roman Empire. By this argument Jesus Christ was Italian as well. Third, you must bring your drunkenness to a public forum whether it a parade, a bar, wherever. Experience the day with strangers, and give them sloppy drunken hugs. Finally, Irish music must be the soundtrack to your day. From the Irish Rovers, the The Pogues, to the Saw Doctors, Wolftones, and Dropkick Murphys... play it, and play it loud.
Have a safe and joyful St. Paddy's everybody... God knows I will... Strength & Honor.
POLITICS
"In Love with a Jersey Girl"
On Thursday New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned from office after details came out about a tryst with a high priced prostitute. The prostitute in question was a 22 year old girl from Belmar, New Jersey who charged the governor $4,300 for one hour of service. Apparently no one told the governor it doesn't take $4,300 to get a girl from Belmar; all it takes is an "MTV True Life" special and enough cash for a round of jaeger bombs.
"Blind Ambition"
Lieutenant Governor David Paterson, whom is legally blind, will take over for Spitzer. One thing's for certain, there's no need to worry about Paterson spending $5,000 on a prostitute. He can get one at Port Authority for $10 and not be able to tell the difference.
ENTERTAINMENT
"Pride of the Yankees"
On the eve of his 60th Birthday, actor/comedian Billy Crystal fulfilled a childhood dream by stepping up to bat as a member of the New York Yankees in a spring training game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Billy struck out in six pitches, but did make contact with one ball hitting it foul. Crystal is now the most successful Jewish ballplayer in the history of the Major Leagues.
SOCIETY
"Daddy's Little Whore"
A medical board survey found that 1 in 4 teenage girls in the United States suffers from a Sexually Transmitted Disease. The study also showed that the other 3 were fat... Sorry teenage guys!!!
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
"Fond Memories of Paddy's Past"
This Monday marks my 22nd St Patrick's Day. Do I remember them all? No. Do I remember most of them? Hardly. But here is what I do know. St. Patrick's Day is a day unlike any other, and I'm not saying that because my name starts with an "O apostrophe." Can anyone imagine another day where midday public drunkenness is not only excusable, but practically expected, and everyone completely disregards their cultural roots to embrace anther's? The answer is "No."
While everyone celebrates St. Paddy's in their own special way, from Dublin to New York to Savannah, there are certain things which remain true no matter where you go. One, you must begin the day with an Irish Car Bomb (though don't call them this in Irish sensitive regions of the country); Guinness, Baileys, Jameson... you simply can't go wrong. Two, you must deal with Italian friends who year after year try to convince you that St. Patrick was Italian. Simply not true. He was born in a section of Britain which was controlled by the Roman Empire. By this argument Jesus Christ was Italian as well. Third, you must bring your drunkenness to a public forum whether it a parade, a bar, wherever. Experience the day with strangers, and give them sloppy drunken hugs. Finally, Irish music must be the soundtrack to your day. From the Irish Rovers, the The Pogues, to the Saw Doctors, Wolftones, and Dropkick Murphys... play it, and play it loud.
Have a safe and joyful St. Paddy's everybody... God knows I will... Strength & Honor.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
March 8, 2008
THIS WEEK'S NEWS:
ENTERTAINMENT
"No One Puts Cancer in the Pancreas"
Actor Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Caner. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Swayze, here he is with a bengal tiger. For those of you who know me, I have made a conscious effort throughout my lifetime not to dance. This is why... dancing leads to cancer. Call me crazy now. Sure chalk it up to coincidence... but a couple years down the road when we lose Bacon and Travolta, you'll look back and say, 'That John O'Brien was onto something."
SOCIETY
"Time Square Scare"
Early Thursday morning an explosive was detonated in New York's Times Square. The authorities' only lead is that the suspect was on a bicycle... In related news, expect your Chinese food to arrive late.
POLITICS
"She's Back"
Hillary Clinton is back in the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. I thought she was out, but Texas and Ohio got her back in it (thanks guys). I wonder what the voters in those states based their votes on? Come to think of it, I bet it was who had a bigger set of testicles.
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
"Reason for My Return"
Well, I'm back, and I am going to make a conscious effort to make this a weekly blog. Funny things happen to me about every hour, and I feel like you have a right to hear about said things.
I have a new and improved blog (look there's a picture of me now!) and nothing but time on my hands. So sit back, relax, and let my soulful warbling bring you to a level of euphoria you never would've believed imaginable. As always, Strength & Honor.
ENTERTAINMENT
"No One Puts Cancer in the Pancreas"
Actor Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Caner. For those of you not familiar with Mr. Swayze, here he is with a bengal tiger. For those of you who know me, I have made a conscious effort throughout my lifetime not to dance. This is why... dancing leads to cancer. Call me crazy now. Sure chalk it up to coincidence... but a couple years down the road when we lose Bacon and Travolta, you'll look back and say, 'That John O'Brien was onto something."
SOCIETY
"Time Square Scare"
Early Thursday morning an explosive was detonated in New York's Times Square. The authorities' only lead is that the suspect was on a bicycle... In related news, expect your Chinese food to arrive late.
POLITICS
"She's Back"
Hillary Clinton is back in the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. I thought she was out, but Texas and Ohio got her back in it (thanks guys). I wonder what the voters in those states based their votes on? Come to think of it, I bet it was who had a bigger set of testicles.
THIS WEEK'S RAMBLING:
"Reason for My Return"
Well, I'm back, and I am going to make a conscious effort to make this a weekly blog. Funny things happen to me about every hour, and I feel like you have a right to hear about said things.
I have a new and improved blog (look there's a picture of me now!) and nothing but time on my hands. So sit back, relax, and let my soulful warbling bring you to a level of euphoria you never would've believed imaginable. As always, Strength & Honor.
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