The Philly Whore-Natic :
A Philadelphia woman was arrested earlier this week for prostituting herself in hopes of acquiring World Series tickets. Apparently for an extra bag of Cracker Jacks you could kiss her on the mouth.
The Divorced Boys :
80's actor Corey Feldman announced this week that he will be divorcing his wife of seven years. Said Feldman's wife, "I thought I was marrying the Corey from Lucas."
Dreg's List :
The most popular cemetery in London has announced that people will have to begin sharing grave plots with strangers due to overcrowding. "I call top bunk!" said Queen Elizabeth.
Driving While Related :
Reuters released a study this week which claims that poor driving is directly connected to genetics. So it's been confirmed, all Asian women are related.
LINK OF THE DAY
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
HEADLINES
The Aces of Crystal Meth :
In an upcoming memoir, American tennis great Andre Agassi admits that during his prime he experimented with snorting crystal meth. Tennis enthusiasts can finally make sense of the unforgettable incident at Wimbledon when Agassi ran suicides for 2 hours then cried himself to sleep in the fetal position.
Bah Humbug! :
Reuters reported today that due to the dire economic situation, many American companies have already cancelled annual Christmas celebrations to save money. So it looks like you'll have to get drunk, piss yourself, and screw the fat intern on your own time.
Si-silly News :
A man in Sicily who had been sentenced to home arrest is pleading with the judge to change his sentence to time in prison, because he no longer wants to spend time at home with his wife. One thing's for certain, in jail he'll certainly be having a lot more sex.
Jumping the Shark :
Authorities in Australia are on the search for what's being described as a "monster shark" which bit a 10 foot great white in half over the weekend. They've reached out to those most suited in dealing with such an animal; oceanographers, shark experts, and the head of SciFi original programming.
In an upcoming memoir, American tennis great Andre Agassi admits that during his prime he experimented with snorting crystal meth. Tennis enthusiasts can finally make sense of the unforgettable incident at Wimbledon when Agassi ran suicides for 2 hours then cried himself to sleep in the fetal position.
Bah Humbug! :
Reuters reported today that due to the dire economic situation, many American companies have already cancelled annual Christmas celebrations to save money. So it looks like you'll have to get drunk, piss yourself, and screw the fat intern on your own time.
Si-silly News :
A man in Sicily who had been sentenced to home arrest is pleading with the judge to change his sentence to time in prison, because he no longer wants to spend time at home with his wife. One thing's for certain, in jail he'll certainly be having a lot more sex.
Jumping the Shark :
Authorities in Australia are on the search for what's being described as a "monster shark" which bit a 10 foot great white in half over the weekend. They've reached out to those most suited in dealing with such an animal; oceanographers, shark experts, and the head of SciFi original programming.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
HEADLINES
Motivationality :
Former President George W. Bush gave his first motivational speech this week since leaving the White House 9 months ago. In related news, former President George W. Bush gave his last motivational speech this week.
The Perfect Crime :
A one legged person was detained in Brussels this week after being suspected of stealing a single shoe from a shoe store. It looks like Paul McCartney stopped paying his alimony.
The Children Are the Future :
Schools in the United Kingdom have begun giving career counseling to students who are only nine years old. Preliminary numbers show that we can expect a boom in 10 years of super heroes and princesses.
The Truth is Out There... And You Can't Handle It :
The government of France has declared war on the Church of Scientology. If history is any indication, the French will surrender sometime later this week.
Former President George W. Bush gave his first motivational speech this week since leaving the White House 9 months ago. In related news, former President George W. Bush gave his last motivational speech this week.
The Perfect Crime :
A one legged person was detained in Brussels this week after being suspected of stealing a single shoe from a shoe store. It looks like Paul McCartney stopped paying his alimony.
The Children Are the Future :
Schools in the United Kingdom have begun giving career counseling to students who are only nine years old. Preliminary numbers show that we can expect a boom in 10 years of super heroes and princesses.
The Truth is Out There... And You Can't Handle It :
The government of France has declared war on the Church of Scientology. If history is any indication, the French will surrender sometime later this week.
Friday, October 23, 2009
HEADLINES
"Get Out of Mom's Basement Free" Card :
A 19 year old Monopoly expert won one of the largest Monopoly tournaments ever assembled in Las Vegas this past weekend. The man will share his $20,000 prize with those closest to him; his right hand and his left hand.
The Good (?) Reverend :
MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced the Reverend Jesse Jackson as the Revernd Al Sharpton live on air this week. In Brewer's defense, all middle-aged, attention whores, with questionable titles, who relate everything to race no matter the circumstance, do look somewhat similar.
How Did I Get Here? :
New York City police are attempting to identify a teenage woman who they discovered in Times Square last week, with no identification, and no idea who she is. The only information the woman retained was information from a fantasy novel she believed she was writing. Authorities will begin by reaching out to drug dealers with awesome LSD.
Granny Get Your Gun :
Police in Madrid arrested a 92 year old woman in a wheelchair this weekend for smuggling cocaine into the country. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they saw her wheelchair going 55 MPH and the spokes were grinding.
The Red Peril :
After a successful dinner meeting with NBA officials yesterday it appears as if a Russian billionaire will get the go ahead to purchase the New Jersey Nets and help facilitate their move to a state of the art facility in Brooklyn. The only thing standing in front of him is the Brooklyn Zoning Commission... and Jack Bauer.
A 19 year old Monopoly expert won one of the largest Monopoly tournaments ever assembled in Las Vegas this past weekend. The man will share his $20,000 prize with those closest to him; his right hand and his left hand.
The Good (?) Reverend :
MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced the Reverend Jesse Jackson as the Revernd Al Sharpton live on air this week. In Brewer's defense, all middle-aged, attention whores, with questionable titles, who relate everything to race no matter the circumstance, do look somewhat similar.
How Did I Get Here? :
New York City police are attempting to identify a teenage woman who they discovered in Times Square last week, with no identification, and no idea who she is. The only information the woman retained was information from a fantasy novel she believed she was writing. Authorities will begin by reaching out to drug dealers with awesome LSD.
Granny Get Your Gun :
Police in Madrid arrested a 92 year old woman in a wheelchair this weekend for smuggling cocaine into the country. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they saw her wheelchair going 55 MPH and the spokes were grinding.
The Red Peril :
After a successful dinner meeting with NBA officials yesterday it appears as if a Russian billionaire will get the go ahead to purchase the New Jersey Nets and help facilitate their move to a state of the art facility in Brooklyn. The only thing standing in front of him is the Brooklyn Zoning Commission... and Jack Bauer.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
HEADLINES
Disapproval Rating :
New York Governor David Paterson's most recent approval rating is reportedly at a phenomenally low 27%. In related news, David Paterson has conducted a study which found 73% of New Yorkers to be racist.
DUI to the 3rd :
A Nevada man was arrested this past weekend for his third DUI in the last 17 days; or as Billy Joel would call it, "a good month."
Test Run Away :
A Massachusetts man has been charged with kidnapping after taking a car for a test drive with salesman from the dealership and driving 1,000 miles to Wisconsin. On a positive note, the suspect loved the way the car handled.
President Puffin Stuff :
President Barack Obama said yesterday that he intends to ease the prosecution of medical marijuana sellers and users in 15 states. Celebrating the announcement were patients who rely on marijuana for a better life, believers in holistic healing, and Jimmy, the high school sophomore who scored a medical marijuana license.
New York Governor David Paterson's most recent approval rating is reportedly at a phenomenally low 27%. In related news, David Paterson has conducted a study which found 73% of New Yorkers to be racist.
DUI to the 3rd :
A Nevada man was arrested this past weekend for his third DUI in the last 17 days; or as Billy Joel would call it, "a good month."
Test Run Away :
A Massachusetts man has been charged with kidnapping after taking a car for a test drive with salesman from the dealership and driving 1,000 miles to Wisconsin. On a positive note, the suspect loved the way the car handled.
President Puffin Stuff :
President Barack Obama said yesterday that he intends to ease the prosecution of medical marijuana sellers and users in 15 states. Celebrating the announcement were patients who rely on marijuana for a better life, believers in holistic healing, and Jimmy, the high school sophomore who scored a medical marijuana license.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
HEADLINES
Australia - Earth's Frat House :
The organizers of an annual carnival in Melbourne, Australia have come under criticism for organizing an event they're calling the "Midget Cup," in which Dwarfs will race for a prize. The organizers have apologized for the unethical event, and have replaced it with an amputee potato sack race.
Family Matters :
A police officer in Arkansas has made headlines after tasering his own intoxicated brother during a police raid on a local hot spot. The odds of something like this happening in Arkanasas are about 85%.
The Perfect Crime :
Police in Baton Rouge, Louisiana are on the search for a single suspect who robbed a convenient store last week and stole only 11 cases of beer. The authorities don't want to jump to conclusions, but it could be the same man who robbed 1,000 solo cups and 6 dozen ping pong balls earlier this month.
Anne Frank.0 :
The only known footage of Anne Frank, the young Holocaust victim who's diary has become a celebrated work of non-fiction, appeared on YouTube earlier this week. The young Anne Frank sits on a window sill, stares out a window, and then dances to Kelis's "Milkshake" on a wobbly table.
The organizers of an annual carnival in Melbourne, Australia have come under criticism for organizing an event they're calling the "Midget Cup," in which Dwarfs will race for a prize. The organizers have apologized for the unethical event, and have replaced it with an amputee potato sack race.
Family Matters :
A police officer in Arkansas has made headlines after tasering his own intoxicated brother during a police raid on a local hot spot. The odds of something like this happening in Arkanasas are about 85%.
The Perfect Crime :
Police in Baton Rouge, Louisiana are on the search for a single suspect who robbed a convenient store last week and stole only 11 cases of beer. The authorities don't want to jump to conclusions, but it could be the same man who robbed 1,000 solo cups and 6 dozen ping pong balls earlier this month.
Anne Frank.0 :
The only known footage of Anne Frank, the young Holocaust victim who's diary has become a celebrated work of non-fiction, appeared on YouTube earlier this week. The young Anne Frank sits on a window sill, stares out a window, and then dances to Kelis's "Milkshake" on a wobbly table.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
HEADLINES
Hong Kong Hustle :
A posh penthouse apartment in Hong Kong sold this week for an unbelievable $57 million. About $30 million of that money was spent on stepping stools.
Hold the Gruel :
A mafia hit man detained in a New York City prison issued a complaint this week that the food served inside is far too starchy and unhealthy. He went on to say, "The anal rapes are a bit out of line too."
MASS Hysteria :
A Massachusetts teenager was detained this week after drop kicking his mother in the throat and headbutting his father when they took away his cell phone as a punishment. Unfortunately the boy was unable to text his BFF about totes pwning his rents.
The Choice of a New Generation :
Feminists are upset about a new iPhone Application designed by the Pepsi company which feeds men pickup lines based on stereotypical descriptions of women they meet. So if you want to impress a woman, use coke.
A posh penthouse apartment in Hong Kong sold this week for an unbelievable $57 million. About $30 million of that money was spent on stepping stools.
Hold the Gruel :
A mafia hit man detained in a New York City prison issued a complaint this week that the food served inside is far too starchy and unhealthy. He went on to say, "The anal rapes are a bit out of line too."
MASS Hysteria :
A Massachusetts teenager was detained this week after drop kicking his mother in the throat and headbutting his father when they took away his cell phone as a punishment. Unfortunately the boy was unable to text his BFF about totes pwning his rents.
The Choice of a New Generation :
Feminists are upset about a new iPhone Application designed by the Pepsi company which feeds men pickup lines based on stereotypical descriptions of women they meet. So if you want to impress a woman, use coke.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
HEADLINES
Mach-Oh' Man :
A scientific study has determined that women who are on the birth control pill are less attracted to stereotypical "macho men" than woman who are not. "That explains it," said the chiseled lumberjack with three illegitimate children.
Euro Passed Gas :
A German man was dragged pantless across a train platform yesterday after his pants got caught in the closing doors of the locomotive. The man sustained minor scratches and bruises; the platform sustained substantial skidmarks.
Give the Finger to the System :
An English family is suing a grade school after their daughter lost her fingers in an arts and crafts class earlier this month. To add insult to injury the girl was given an "Incomplete" in finger painting.
Here Comes the Neighborhood :
The home next door to Barack Obama's in Illinois has officially gone up for sale, and the current owner is asking for $2.5 million. Many affluent families love the home, but are not crazy about living in a "black neighborhood."
A scientific study has determined that women who are on the birth control pill are less attracted to stereotypical "macho men" than woman who are not. "That explains it," said the chiseled lumberjack with three illegitimate children.
Euro Passed Gas :
A German man was dragged pantless across a train platform yesterday after his pants got caught in the closing doors of the locomotive. The man sustained minor scratches and bruises; the platform sustained substantial skidmarks.
Give the Finger to the System :
An English family is suing a grade school after their daughter lost her fingers in an arts and crafts class earlier this month. To add insult to injury the girl was given an "Incomplete" in finger painting.
Here Comes the Neighborhood :
The home next door to Barack Obama's in Illinois has officially gone up for sale, and the current owner is asking for $2.5 million. Many affluent families love the home, but are not crazy about living in a "black neighborhood."
Monday, October 12, 2009
HEADLINES
The Honeymoon is Over :
The country of Malaysia is offering free honeymoons to newly married couples to help increase its tourism. The free honeymoons will include beautiful sand beaches, free drinks, live entertainment, and a public caning for women who partake in these activities.
The Maine Event :
A man from Maine won the annual North American Wife Carrying Competition by carrying his wife 300 yards in just over 54 seconds. Coming in dead last, was Gilbert Grape's father. (How outdated).
Detroit Cock City :
A liquor store in Detroit has been shut down after it was discovered that the owner was giving out Viagra and pornography in exchange for food stamps. Authorities became suspicious when store patrons constantly walked out bow-legged.
The Prance on Washington :
Thousands of gay, lesbian, and transgender Americans marched on Washington, DC this weekend as a sign of solidarity in the fight for the Civil Rights of the homosexual community. The march was much like that of the African Americans over 50 years ago, but with much more assless chaps.
The country of Malaysia is offering free honeymoons to newly married couples to help increase its tourism. The free honeymoons will include beautiful sand beaches, free drinks, live entertainment, and a public caning for women who partake in these activities.
The Maine Event :
A man from Maine won the annual North American Wife Carrying Competition by carrying his wife 300 yards in just over 54 seconds. Coming in dead last, was Gilbert Grape's father. (How outdated).
Detroit Cock City :
A liquor store in Detroit has been shut down after it was discovered that the owner was giving out Viagra and pornography in exchange for food stamps. Authorities became suspicious when store patrons constantly walked out bow-legged.
The Prance on Washington :
Thousands of gay, lesbian, and transgender Americans marched on Washington, DC this weekend as a sign of solidarity in the fight for the Civil Rights of the homosexual community. The march was much like that of the African Americans over 50 years ago, but with much more assless chaps.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
HEADLINES
Ohhhhh, Canada :
Two Canadian men were injured at a zoo this weekend after being mauled by a tiger who's cage they broke into. While the motive for their actions is still unknown, all signs point to them being Canadian.
Steve McQueen Style :
A man in a Georgia jail has been detained after attempting to break out during his time in the yard, by stuffing his shirt with newspapers and jumping over the barbed wire fence, only to get stuck. There's still no word on how the jail guards foiled his plot.
T.P. O'Skidmark's :
A school in Cork, Ireland has instructed its students to begin bringing their own toilet paper to school due to budget cuts, or they can simply bring a cork.
Cariboubs :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson has announced plans this week to pose naked in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine. Former Governor Palin has stated that she has no intention of seeing the photo spread unless the shoot takes place in Russia, in which case she'll see it from her house.
Two Canadian men were injured at a zoo this weekend after being mauled by a tiger who's cage they broke into. While the motive for their actions is still unknown, all signs point to them being Canadian.
Steve McQueen Style :
A man in a Georgia jail has been detained after attempting to break out during his time in the yard, by stuffing his shirt with newspapers and jumping over the barbed wire fence, only to get stuck. There's still no word on how the jail guards foiled his plot.
T.P. O'Skidmark's :
A school in Cork, Ireland has instructed its students to begin bringing their own toilet paper to school due to budget cuts, or they can simply bring a cork.
Cariboubs :
Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson has announced plans this week to pose naked in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine. Former Governor Palin has stated that she has no intention of seeing the photo spread unless the shoot takes place in Russia, in which case she'll see it from her house.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
HEADLINES
Blinded by the Light :
Earlier this week blind New York Governor David Paterson made a public statement for his competitors in the upcoming gubernatorial race to step forward and state why they would be better than him. Unfortunately, David Paterson unknowingly made his statement standing in a Dairy Queen bathroom.
... :
It was announced today that a statue of Helen Keller will be put on display in a wing of the United States Capital. Said the family of Helen Keller, "*&%$$%##@@!"
Detroit Rock Shitty :
Last night the Minnesota Twins beat the Detroit Tigers in a one game playoff eliminating them from post season contention. That's right, 30 more people in Detroit are out of work.
Everything's Crazier in Texas :
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. The only difference between their journeys was Jesus didn't wear timberlands and make daily stops in Denny's bathrooms.
(TAKE 2)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. So, YES, Mel Gibson is still a little crazy.
(TAKE 3)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. Unfortunately the man's mother chose to reconcile with Barabas.
Earlier this week blind New York Governor David Paterson made a public statement for his competitors in the upcoming gubernatorial race to step forward and state why they would be better than him. Unfortunately, David Paterson unknowingly made his statement standing in a Dairy Queen bathroom.
... :
It was announced today that a statue of Helen Keller will be put on display in a wing of the United States Capital. Said the family of Helen Keller, "*&%$$%##@@!"
Detroit Rock Shitty :
Last night the Minnesota Twins beat the Detroit Tigers in a one game playoff eliminating them from post season contention. That's right, 30 more people in Detroit are out of work.
Everything's Crazier in Texas :
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. The only difference between their journeys was Jesus didn't wear timberlands and make daily stops in Denny's bathrooms.
(TAKE 2)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. So, YES, Mel Gibson is still a little crazy.
(TAKE 3)
Earlier this week a man finished a journey from his Texas home to Washington state on foot while bearing a 12 foot cross, to feel the pain of Jesus and prove his religious devotion to his estranged mother. Unfortunately the man's mother chose to reconcile with Barabas.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
HEADLINES
Bama Drama :
An Alabama woman was arrested this weekend after driving a van while her infant daughter was in a cardboard box tied to the roof. In the woman's defense, Alabama state law recognizes this child vehicular restraint method as the second most effective after duct taping them to the bumper.
Passed Gas :
Harvard University has rewarded a group of scientists for inventing a woman's bra which can be converted into a gas mask in the case of an emergency. So in the case of an emergency, expect to see men violently struggling to unhook their girlfriend's bras.
Fang Violence :
A woman in Florida was mauled by a pack of raccoons this weekend outside her home. Authorities say the woman was wearing colors which implied allegiance to the rival skunks.
The Splendid Splinter, splinters :
The frozen head of Boston Red Sox great and WWII hero Ted Williams was mutilated last week after an employee at the research lab where it's held attempted to remove a tuna can (which had frozen to the head) by swinging at it with a wrench. Said the employee, "I was hungry for tuna."
LINK OF THE DAY
An Alabama woman was arrested this weekend after driving a van while her infant daughter was in a cardboard box tied to the roof. In the woman's defense, Alabama state law recognizes this child vehicular restraint method as the second most effective after duct taping them to the bumper.
Passed Gas :
Harvard University has rewarded a group of scientists for inventing a woman's bra which can be converted into a gas mask in the case of an emergency. So in the case of an emergency, expect to see men violently struggling to unhook their girlfriend's bras.
Fang Violence :
A woman in Florida was mauled by a pack of raccoons this weekend outside her home. Authorities say the woman was wearing colors which implied allegiance to the rival skunks.
The Splendid Splinter, splinters :
The frozen head of Boston Red Sox great and WWII hero Ted Williams was mutilated last week after an employee at the research lab where it's held attempted to remove a tuna can (which had frozen to the head) by swinging at it with a wrench. Said the employee, "I was hungry for tuna."
LINK OF THE DAY
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