HEADLINES

Teenage Hindu Deity Turtles :
A small Hindu village in India is refusing to hand over an endangered species of turtle because they believe that it is the reincarnation of the God Jagannath. It's an honest mistake, as Jagannath was the God of extreme laziness.

I Do :
A New Jersey woman was amazed this week when her lost engagement ring was returned after being found amongst tons and tons of garbage in a large dump. Or more simply put, an engagement ring was found in New Jersey.

Dopin' :
After pictures surfaced of him looking strangely pale, former MLB great Sammy Sosa has adamantly denied reports that he underwent a skin lightening procedure. If history is any indication, this means that Sammy Sosa most certainly underwent a skin lightening procedure.

Go Ahead... Make my Day :
A judge in New Jersey has upheld a ruling to allow a quadriplegic man to own a gun for self defense. So if you're robbing a quadriplegic man in New Jersey and leave him enough time to voice activate his wheelchair in the direction of a gun, pivot, wheel at you, position the gun just right in his mouth, and pull the trigger with his tongue... Well you're shit out of luck.