HEADLINES

Lets Hug it Out:
An Ohio man broke the Guinness World Record for hugs yesterday giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours. "That's Bullshit!" proclaimed every 300 pound, bearded, drunk guy at a keg party.

Emmett Otter's Drowning Scare :
Police in Maine responded to reports of a child drowning in Maine yesterday, only to find that the "child" in question was an otter. It was an honest mistake as recent studies have shown that most drowning children wear head to toe fur coats and eat clams off their bellies.

Patron Saint of Grinding Teeth :
A Roman Catholic priest was arrested in Philadelphia this weekend after getting caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase cocaine. The priest claims this is just a big misunderstanding - he was buying the cocaine for his 11 year old boyfriend.

One Hit Wonder Remembered :
Don Fieger, the lead singer of the early 1980s rock band The Knack, passed away this weekend at the age of 57. Fieger is survived, b-b-b-byyyyyy Sharona!