HEADLINES

Read Between the Lines :
A recent report found that the reading skills amongst urban 8th graders in the United States are the worst that they have ever been. When asked his take on the findings, one 8th grader responded, "How am I supposed to know without any pictures?"

Immortal Kombat :
Arakawa, a 73 year old architect and artist from Japan who claimed to be immortal, died today at 73. He is survived by many red-faced relatives.

This Just-In :
Teen idol Justin Beiber attempted to shed his clean cut image this week by getting a bird tattoo on his hip. When asked why he decided to get it on his hip, Beiber replied "Because there wasn't enough room on my vagina."

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! :
A group of concerned citizens in a Pennsylvania community are up in arms concerning the recent issuing of citations for public swearing, which they find unconstitutional. The staunch judge told them they can all go fuck themselves.