HEADLINES

Triple Stacker, Hold the Phlegm :
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.

Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."

Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.

TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.

Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!