HEADLINES

Baggage Shame :
Two German women were stopped at a Liverpool airport yesterday for trying to bring a dead body onto a plane. The body was determined to be over 25 pounds and was stowed in cargo.

Team Loyalty :
Former NFL running back and NBC personality Tiki Barber will be leaving his pregnant wife of 13 years after allegedly engaging in an affair with a 23 year old intern. If history is any indication, Tiki's ex-wife will go on to win the Super Bowl this year.

I'm a Lud-ser, Baby :
Two dozen people were arrested in New York today for connection to a multi-million dollar quaaludes ring. When reached for comment the suspects drooled on themselves while petting a fire hydrant.

Miss Congeniality? :
There is speculation that Sandra Bullock is reluctant to file for divorce from her cheating husband Jesse James, because he may be in possession of an extremely graphic sex tape. The tape in question is already getting higher marks on Rotten Tomatoes than Speed 2: Cruise Control.